Need Input From Birthmoms

I gave my daughter away in 64 and was told to just forget it. Back then thats the way it was. Have the baby, give it away, come home, and nobody talks about it after that. My daughter found me this past Feb. I have never felt so whole before. My arms welcomed her and I thank God she searched for me. Good luck to you. Chris

Chris, I LOVE to hear stories like yours.........It just does my heart good!,,,,,,,,and keeps me haning in! Con-grats,,, Candie:)

This is to any of the birth moms I am a 22 year old adoptee who is looking for anyone in her birthfamily. I always wanted to seach but just recently got around to it. I've been looking for only a month now. The thing that really bothered me growing up was that the non identifying info about my birth mom said she was 21 and had a commerical degree. it always bothered me knowing that she was that old. other adoptees I had known had mothers that were 16 or 18. I always felt she should have done what she could have to take care of her baby. at 21 I just felt that was not too too young and with a 2 year degree. Does that mean she really just didn't want me? As a kid, I would get teased a lot in school. kids called me ugly and other names. I always felt my birth mother didn't want me b/c i was an ugly baby. it has affected my life in ways i never thought. i still suffer from depression especially on birthdays or when i'm around my family that is nothing like me. Did she really not want me? i've been hurting a long time. i need answers.

Veronique Just because your birthmother was 21 and had a degree did not mean she felt able to do her best for you at that time. It could have been any number of other reasons why she had you adopted. She could have been abandoned by her family and had no help to be able to work and provide for you both or it could have been that she was pressurized into it by her family or authorities. Social workers desperate for babys for adoption in some cases told the birthmothers that if they loved their baby at all they should give their baby to others who had more to give and they did this when the young mother was afraid and vunerable and who were made to feel selfish if they wanted to keep the baby. There are so many scenarios of what the reason would have been, not many mothers would really have wanted to part with their child if they did not feel that it was necessary. Adoption is a monumentus lifetime, irreversible decision usually made by a very young person under great pressure and at that age you can not tell how life is going to be in the future. Many folk who even say that they made the choice willingly say also that as times passes that they truly did not realize the enormity of the decision they were making until it was too late and in hindsight would have not gone through with it. Basically, you have to try and not fixate on one negative reason - try to keep an open mind about the 'whys and hows'. I hope you get to find out one day and it turns out postive. R PS: 21 is not that old and not everone is necessarily, entirely mature by then. Try to imagine now that you are 22 what you would do in the face of some of the scenarios your mother may have been in at that time. When you get into your 30s you will see that 21 is very young still.

Dear Rowan: I completely understand what you are saying. I know I should be more positive and try to look from her perspective at the time. It's just that I see some ** online say they have no feelings about the child they gave up and that really hurts me. I need to know who I am. I feel like until I meet this woman I don't really know anything about me. I need to see her, hear her voice, know her name. I want to do this for myself as well as for my kids that I may have one day. I look nothing like my parents, so I know they will ask. I used to ask when I was younger. I am a medium complexioned black female and my mom is practically white while my dad is lighter complexioned than I and my grandparents were creole. You may be able to understand the difficulty I had finding my place in my family. Do you know if in 1981 New Orleans birthmothers were allowed to hold their babies? Also, why is the only new born picture I have of myself on a button and not a real copy? Does she have the real picture of me? Do birthmothers get the new names of their children? What info do they receive? I just have my blood work papers, adoption papers from the courts, and papers from the Volunteers of Americal as well as the home my mother stayed at.

This is how I feel about my birth daughter. I do not want to intrude on her life or replace her parents. But she is a part of me that will never go away. Barbara [QUOTE]Originally posted by Veronique I need to see her, hear her voice, know her name.

Veronique I cannot predict that what you will find will be good or bad but I can say if you need to know what your roots are and need answers then you have to go forward and discover what the truth is regardless of the outcome - to at least give yourself some closure of some sort. Just try and be prepared and even try to have some counseling if possible, you will need all the emotional strength you can get. As a birth mother, I too have a physical and emotional need to see, hear and touch my child and the need to know he is well and happy. I too am searching and hoping for some answers but I also realise that my child may have no feelings or may be indifferent or may be angry and negative and that whatever the outcome - I need to know and try. My heart sinks when I read adoptees who say they have no interest in contact with their birth parents etc which I have read on some boards. Adoptees and Birth Parents have to enter the same unknown zone when searching and it is scary. I do not know much about New Orleans rules and regulations in 1981 about adoption but I can try to ask a few folk who may be able to answer that, I will get back to you. R

Rowan, all I can say girl is You have a way with words......you took them right outta my mouth. I was going to say those very same things :) What was the question again? Oh yes, I placed my son when I was also 21, in the 70's. It wasn't something I fully checked out now that I think about it, it was something that I just knew I couldn't have the capability at that time to raise my child. I was barely making it myself. I wasn't emotionally ready or fit to raise a child myself. My deep fear was also that my child would never know he was adopted, I never wanted to interfere for those reasons and open Pandora's box. But at the same time, I had the need to know that he was alright, that his life had turned out fine and his aparents were good to him and loved him as their own. They never failed me. I also never told my own kids and felt if his aparents never told him (which for some reason was my belief), then I shouldn't tell my kids because what if they never met? then telling them would be all for naught. What if he went on his life and never knew I existed? But Rowan's right, it's a two way street on both end of the journey....it's a very scary thought. I wish now, that I had told my own kids when they were still young to grow up with the idea and live with it instead of finding out in their teens and not coming to terms with it because of influence from their dad. It truly is sad. Go with your heart........if you have the need to know, then do it. One foot in front the other. Good luck

Veronigue...I to am a bmom, I had my first child a 16 and you have no idea the presure that I was under It got so bad that I agread when I was only 3 months pregnant that this baby would be put up for adoption. So the worker procede to find an adoptive family that would take her. I was in labour for 3 days was not given anything for pain, and ripped myself so bad that I needed 8 stitches without freezing or anything. This was in 1964 and treatment was not good when it came to unwed mothers, I gues they wanted to make sure that i would never do that again. I did not see my baby but I did hear her cry. The Dr. came to tell me that there was so much damage that I would not be able to have any more children. When it was time to leave the hospital I said that i would not leave with out her. They called social worker and was told that if I kept her I would have to pay the hospital bill and legal fee that the afamily had put out for all this,and i said so be it. Then they told me that my baby would have to go to foster care till the bill was paid,and I still had not seen her. I know I never paid a cent and don't remember what was aranged but one day my folks said today is the day we go and get her, and trust me that was the happiest day of my life. She will be 41 next week.Well let me tell you that being an unwed mother in the 60s was no joke either, for now everybody know s what i had done and all the guys thought that i was easy and being told that I could not have anymore kids i never toke any precossions and got pregnent again. Here I was not 18 yet and pregnent with a second child, there was no way that I could keep this one, an other girl. I had no chose but to put her up for adoption and it broke my heart. They made me sign the papers real fast for fear that I would change my mind again I don't remember signing I was so devestaited. After that my life went downhill fast, started drinking and running around. I asked a Dr. for birth control pills said I could not have them for I was not married. What a ton of crap that was. I had one more child during those awfull years and he was put up finally at 20 I settled down a bit got married had 2 more kids and thought that life was good untill the divorce I was married for 6 years. my husdand was aware of my past but I think that was a downfall. The divorce was messy said the kids were not his and I went through hell. But I come back, met a nice man we have been together for 29 years now not married no kids with him . but he does not now about my past and I feel guilty about that. I'm looking for my kids but have no great hope that they will except me. But I have to try.If I could live my life over again, but I can't so I have to live with this Maria

I gave up my bson for adoption 23 years ago - it was and will always be the hardest thing to do in my life. Over the years his adoption was only mentioned 3 times so I lived with my pain in silence until we were reunited last year. It is hard to describe the emotions I went through but I think I went through just about every one you can think of except jealousy of his parents bringing him up. For some reason I have never been jealous of his parents seeing him grow up, I just feel sad that I missed that. Even now though I can't get over how much he is like me in temperament, have similar likes/dislikes, have the same colour eyes and his hair is a bit lighter in colour than mine. No matter what happens with our reunion at least I have the peace of mind that he is alive and well which is what I worried about for all those years. Montravia :)

I agree with you about the baby not having a choice. I have a birthdaughter was abused after I placed her, and I felt so guilty about it, and sometimes even thought that I could never forgive myself. However, I am trying to bond slowely again with her. She just turned 17 back in July. If you feel you need to know then try to find your bparents. However, remeber it is not easy for bparents either to give up a child. It is a feels like you have lost part of yourself. I am not sure that I could ever do it again.

[font=Comic Sans MS][/font]Veronique, I am a birthmother who placed when I was 21. My daughter is 3 1/2, now. When I (reluctantly) tell people that I placed, the first thing they ask is how old I was. They seem to think of me differently when I tell them I was able to drink legally, vote, own property, be in the military, what have you.I get alot of discrimination, because as we see today there are 15 and 16 year olds who keep and raise their children, sometimes having multiple children before they even reach 21. My own family is ashamed of my actions, and hardly allows me to even bring the subject up. I placed for many reasons. My top reasons were:#1, I was with a very physically and emotionally (verbally...I think those go hand in hand) man. I had a miserable relationship with him, and feared that my daughter would grow up being abused by him as well.#2, His family are lunatics. I mean that. He was sexually and physically abused by his parents, kicked out when he was 15, not long after ending a long period of being locked up as a teenager. His extened family was very cruel as well, his cousin threatened to kill me when I was pregnant. I believed her, and to this day believe that if she had the opportunity, would have done just that.#3, my parents are very screwed up people. I grew up physically abused and neglected by my stepmother, my own mother having run out on me because she was addicted to cocaine. My father wasn't around much, he worked all the time and eventually became seriously addicted to prescription pain medication. To date, he's been severely addicted for almost 15 years.In short, I was 21, with a full academic scholarship to college and pregnant, facing raising my child in very similar circumstances that I was raised. I absolutely refused to allow my daughter to grow up in the environment I did. I still have issues to this day about my past. I have nightmares about my ex. I can't even have a real relationship with my own family. My daughter deserved more than that, she deserved to be around a family that would nurture her and make her feel as if she had every right to be who she wanted to be, and never make her feel bad for her decisions in life. If I would have kept her, she would have grown up in abuse, possibly on welfare (okay, probably). I tried only to think of her. For your birthmother, I'm certain that she felt as if she couldn't care for you the way she thought that you needed. Whatever her reasons were, it seems to be an underlying reason among many birthmothers. We only want better for our children. As far as you being an ugly baby- you can ask ANY mother. There is NOTHING more beautiful and precious than the child that they carried and cared for for nine months. The moment is savored for life, when they finally get to meet their child. I can most certainly say that your b/mother didn't think you ugly.Rowan is also right about the social workers. Many of them manupulate the mind of a birthmother so much. It astounds me to this day. I was told that if I loved my child I would "Do the right thing. And you know what that is." I was made to feel selfish for wanting to change my mind. I was made to feel guilty for the people who can't biologically have their own, and for the money that is spent in the adoption proceedings.If you are able to make contact, then don't assume what your b/mother went through, let her tell you. We ALL have our reasons, and they are all very good ones. I agree that you should seek counseling, even before you begin any kind of search, to help you deal with being adopted. Seek counseling for any kind of reunion, also. Be it a good one or a bad one. Couselors are great people, and even if your situation is perfect, they can help you make heads or tails of it, still. You need to learn how to give love to yourself, and not be depressed so much. Being down in the dumps is one thing- everyone gets there, but depression is another. A counselor can give you the tools to make yourself feel better. No one can do that for you, even your b/mother. Give back to yourself, you certainly deserve it.

to quote you".... wow......a newborn baby had less choice,,"Humm ... maybe you should go read the stories and facts on [url="http://www.exiledmothers.com"]www.exiledmothers.com[/url] I believe that this website will give you a much more realistic perspective on what many of us went through and the coersion alot of us faced. In my personal case I was very young and told by my own mother that if I brought a baby home I would have to find another place to live then to top it off when I got home without my beautiful daughter I was forced out anyway.

VeroniqueI read your posts and just wanted to say sweetie don't think bad thoughts about why your bmom gave you up until you finally hear why. I agree with everyone else you just never know why she did. My story....I was raped at the time I knew giving my baby up was best. How was I going to look that baby in the face and not think about what had been done to me. Now by the time I had him and after carring him 9 months the minute they placed him in my arms the whys all left me. I had him in the early 70's so in answer to your question no alot of times they didn't want you to hold your baby. I was just very demanding. As far as getting any paper work I got nothing. In fact when I went into the hospital they gave me a fake name. I kept that name for years but had a house fire and lost all info. So when I began my search all I had was I knew where I was the day and the year. My mom had died before I began my search so I had no one to ask for info. My son on the other hand had more info than me. Believe me though there wasn't a day go by I didn't want to find him when he turned 18. Just made it alot harder to find him. So it could be the same with your bmom. It may be she has no info to go on either. And like so many bmoms have said do I have the right to search after giving them up. I thought that too. So there would be times I would look then give up thinking I didn't have the right. I didn't want to hurt him all over again. But believe me had he been the one to find me.......I wouldn't have thought twice about seeing him. I loved him the minute he was born and will love him til the day I die. So please don't give up. Wish you the very best of luck.

I am a birth sibling that only discovered I had an older sister out there after my mother passed away. Obviously, I had no choice in the decision my mother made nor in her never telling me. I am currently searching for a sister I have always longed for but never knew I had - and now that both of my parents are deceased I need her more than ever. I am 35 and my sister would be 10 years older than me. So this can be more than issues you have with your birth mother but maybe there is a sibling out there longing for you and needing you too!