Advertisements
Hello, my dh and i have been looking into adoption because of infertility. We are not doing IUI or IVF because it is against the church. (a VERY hard decision to deal with) but I called catholic charities and they won't accept us whatsoever because we are 21 years old!!! I couldn't believe it! There are plenty of wonderful parents out there who are younger than us!!! You see, they didn't even listen to us, they didn't care what our situation was, the rule was at the least 23, usually 25. My dh and I are both VERY stable in our careers, have been married for over two years, almost three, have awesome credit, make enough money, and own our second home which has over three bedrooms and 2000 sqft. We are also both ready to become parents, we have been trying since the day we got married, to no avail. I don't want to wait another two or three years!! There are other agencies who would accept us, so why wouldnt' they? Other religions have programs specifically for thier members for adoption, but the CC seem to turn thier back. I would think that since they tell us NOT to do IUI or IVF they would at least have another option. This is very disheartening, especially to someone who loves thier religion very much. I really wish the church would set up another agency or something for catholic's adopting. Also, why don't catholics get a better price than other couples? We tithe and we support our church, so if they are here for us why can't they give us a discounted rate, or something to try to help members of thier own church first. I do not mean to bash CC and have heard many good things, but I just think that catholic's should have more options with adoption and more help from the church.
Like
Share
To be honest this may have been a year and half ago but your words help others and the replies too. Someone is right where you were back then. While I am so excited about adoption, I still struggle with a "gap" at times because if God teaches that a child is the product of life-giving sex...what is wrong with us then? Is there something wrong with us? I have an adopted sister who was taken from her bmom at birth by the county, she is the sixth child all in the system...all with FAS, how is that life giving? This woman is drinks 6-12 beers a day regardless of whether she is pregnant or not.I do not begrudge anyone who is able to conceive no matter what their station in life but seriously...I live my life for God, am involved in church, and heartbroken when I leave mass on Sunday because of all the little babies that cry out in service, or have mothers nursing them in the pew next to me. I am left to wonder what have I done so wrong or what lesson can come from my empty arms?Yep, still working on the "gap" myself... however I am so glad you took time for you and you are on your way with a great agency. I will say I only spent 5 minutes on the phone with a rude lady at CC and decided to find another option. Too bad huh?
Advertisements
Hmm, it really is too bad. And I think that's where so much of the additional conflict comes from, too, meadopting. For people who do have a pretty strong belief system to be discouraged by their very own belief system, either for monetary reasons, age restrictions, or just turned off by their tone in general, this is a hard thing to figure out. If you're like me, you try to find the bigger meaning in it, and drive yourself nuts. And sometimes there is no bigger meaning. Some people are just rude, or having a bad day, or their rules are what they are and we all know the rules in the Catholic church don't change easily.. Anyway, Runyan, I'm glad I helped. I completely understand. I tried talking to my mom about it, too, and she was nice enough about it, but she just automatically assumed that I was completely anti God. I just needed some space I think. I admire the people who can hang onto their faith through difficult times. I wish I could be more like that. But this was too much for me, and I did turn my back on God for a short time. I did this about a decade ago, too, when I first met DH. I had been coming out of an abusive relationship and had previously had such GREAT self esteem, that when I met DH and started to get well again I tortured myself emotionally with how could I be so dumb? How could I have let myself be hurt like that? What is wrong with me? And when I started asking those questions, I started to dislike myself a bit, so I disliked God, too.. And at that time, mom was great about it. But part of it was I was making some decisions that I knew the church frowned upon, but I didn't want the guilt so I figured if I decided to not be active in the church anymore, that would be easier to cope. So it's not quite the same as the "gap" that happened with IVF. But I came back soon after, when I realized I was still the same good person I had been and that I just had to experience something bad before something good. And when DH had some health issues, I turned to God 110% and taught DH to pray. He had no real religious beliefs previously. So that was pretty good. During IVF, we stayed strong in our faith at first. But then we just felt like the world was such a mean place, and how could the women we see on the news... the ones that drown their kids or throw them off a bridge, or leave them in a dumpster, etc, etc.. how can THEY have kids and we can't? That was something we struggled with real hard. Then, after one of the miscarriages, after we had seen a heartbeat, that one put us over the edge. We took all of our religious posters/crosses/palms, everything down. Removed our crosses from our chains. Kept it all down for a couple years, too. We bought a condo and didn't put one religious thing up the whole time we were there (2 years). It was when we moved here in October of this year that I said to DH that I'm ready to put my cross back on and I'm ready to put the religious stuff back up. He wasn't so sure yet, but he was okay with my decision for myself, and indifferent about me putting the religious decor on the walls. We went to midnight mass Christmas Eve, first time we'd gone to church in YEARS. We started going weekly again when DD was almost 2 weeks old. So we're still new at going back, but, we are back. We even registered this week. lol! AND, DH put his cross back on recently. It's funny, we're not angry anymore. I stopped being angry when we were about halfway through our wait. I was still timid, but not angry anymore. And, the DaVinci Code (which I read purely out of curiosity, and do not take it all as fact as some people do.. am looking forward to the movie much like I did Lord of the Rings..) helped me, too. Believe it or not. I don't know why, but somehow that book brought me back to my religion. Maybe it was the realization that nobody knows which religion is "right" but that we have the right to do what feels right to us. To me, Christianity feels right. And I also realized that there will never be any one religion that will encompass all that I want. And I have hope that there will be reform within Catholicism to be less judgemental of others (a different story there. lol!) But, Runyan, I'm back. And I'm not bitter anymore. And if anything else, I think this experience has helped me in my religion. It has renewed my faith in God. That He really DID have a plan for us all along. We were unable to just trust, which is bad, and we need to work on this, but now that we see the end result, we understand why we couldn't have bio kids. And I can't tell you the peace I feel right now. Now that I am a mom, I finally feel like I am what I am meant to be. I always thought I was meant to be a career woman or that I was meant to do great things for humanity, but all I am is a mom and I have the most fulfillment imaginable. I am so grateful. I am sorry I'm rambling, I'll head off to bed now, but wanted to write back. Don't be too hard on yourself for questioning where God is in all this, and if there is a God at all. You need to get these toxic feelings out before your child comes into your life, and if your way of getting them out is getting down right angry at God right now, then that's what you need to do. At least, it worked for us. Hang in there, it'll get better.
Runyan2002
I never expected catholic charities to "not charge" for thier services, i did, however, expect them to give more help to catholics though. I sincerely expected them to give me and my husband, who are devout catholics and have been tithing all of our lives, and really participate in our church, more help.
bromanchik
Natalie,
The thing is CC receives very little assistance from the Catholic Church. They are connected in jurisdiction only. They are not part of the Dioceses budget. They are like any other agency that operates off of fees and donations. If you feel strongly about tithing, tithe part of the money to Catholic Charities in the form of a donation. I believe that to be acceptable. You might want to ask for their annual report to see where the money is coming from and where it is going.
Runyan-as a Catholic myself, I really struggled with infertility and why me? I struggled with the fact that we had a failed domestic adoption, after the boy was with me and was my son. I thought, "He's really going to have to give me some answers. Why did I lose this child to grandparents who didn't want him, why did his bio-mom, a drug addict, get pregnant with him after we had been trying to do so for years?" Now that my boys are home, I have my answers. I don't think all answers are for us to know, but to be honest, I feel blessed and chosen to have gone through what we did. I think very few married couples are as close as dh and I, or have been through some of the things we have and come out stronger. I believe that my boys, although born in Russia, were always meant to be my children. I believe I was meant to have a happy family this way, and that maybe another child will find parents who saw how happy we are and decided to do what we did. All of my doubts are gone. But they were there!!! As for tithing the church, it's a personal decision. My problem with donating to the church is this: I live in a middle to upper middle class area. We moved here 3 years ago and chose our church for a strange reason. It was welcoming to small children, which our old one was not. But what really appealed to me was that the pews were older and chipped upthe decorations were out of date. Here, I thought, they're taking our money and giving it to give food to the hungry, aid to the sick, anything. Now, they are trying to get all families to commit to 10K in the next 2 years for a 6Million dollar renovation. 6 million could feed a lot of people, could clothe a lot of people, or could assist me in adopting more children from (maybe a little selfishness involved there:) ) orphanages. I have come to this decision: God wants me to give money. I don't necessarily believe he wants it to be spent on beautiful new chalices and crucifixes. His own son wasn't a rich man, in worldly possessions. I now give more money to St. Jude's and to orphanage donations and to whatever charity I believe in. There is corruption involved in some organizations, but the way I see it, I will have tried. Are you considering adopting from another agency, and maybe using CC in a few years? Best wishes!!
Advertisements
Natalie, I undertstand your frustration about the cost. I know when I went to Catholic school, my parents paid less becuase they were members of the church. They assumed my parents tithed, so the cost was less. However, there were a couple kids I went to school with that were not Catholic. They went to the Ctaholic shcool because it was a better school. I know their tuition was quite a bit higher than mine. You would think there would be a similar arrangement with adoption. My mother is the most devout Catholic I have ever met. We used to earn money for vacations by reciting prayers and memorizing things like Beatitudes. (Spelling???) My dh and I chose not to do any fertility testing or treatment. We felt like if God intended for us to get pregnant, we would. When we finally told my parents what was going on and that we were choosing the adoption route, my mom could not understand why we would choose to forgo fertility treatments. She kept calling me with reccomendations of fertility specialists she had heard about. I admit I have had many moments of being 'mad' at God, but I have never waivered from believing I was on the right path. It was quite a shock for me to see my mother go through the waivering. She has finally accepted that we feel God is leading us in this direction and is happy, excited, supportive! I am really not sure what my point was in starting this response. I had one, but I think I have lost it. Anyway, if anyone is interested I do know of a Catholic Charity whose fees are based on your income. That is a little better, I think. I have not worked with this agency (much longer wait and not much cheaper for us, so it was not worth it.) However, I know a few people that did work with the agency and were very happy. PM me if interested.
proudmommyof 2
As for tithing the church, it's a personal decision. My problem with donating to the church is this: I live in a middle to upper middle class area. We moved here 3 years ago and chose our church for a strange reason. It was welcoming to small children, which our old one was not. But what really appealed to me was that the pews were older and chipped upthe decorations were out of date. Here, I thought, they're taking our money and giving it to give food to the hungry, aid to the sick, anything. Now, they are trying to get all families to commit to 10K in the next 2 years for a 6Million dollar renovation. 6 million could feed a lot of people, could clothe a lot of people, or could assist me in adopting more children from (maybe a little selfishness involved there:) ) orphanages. I have come to this decision: God wants me to give money. I don't necessarily believe he wants it to be spent on beautiful new chalices and crucifixes. His own son wasn't a rich man, in worldly possessions. I now give more money to St. Jude's and to orphanage donations and to whatever charity I believe in. There is corruption involved in some organizations, but the way I see it, I will have tried.
Are you considering adopting from another agency, and maybe using CC in a few years?
Best wishes!!
I don't think it sounds corny or stupid. I think that it is almost natural to question your faith at the time in your life where your dream, the one you've had since you were a little girl, is seemingly out of reach. You'll just have to keep working on your faith, and being thankful for your life, family, dh, etc. But I am honestly telling you, someday, when you finally have your children, it will all make sense. I can't even remember now why I was mad at God. I was chosen, I think, to be an adoptive mother. The anger is gone, and a sense of gratitude it there that never was before. I've been blessed with these children, and with this unending love for them. I appreciate them much more than if they would have come to us easily. I feel closer to God as a parent. Now I know why He went from an angry Old Testament God to a forgiving one the in the New Testament-He became a dad. It all makes sense to me now. And now, I think, we're okay with each other. These are my children, but they are His children, too, and he brought us together. There were days that we didn't have enough money to buy groceries while trying to scrape together the adoption money, and those were the days we'd get an escrow check in the mail, or that our agency would call and say they didn't require an application fee for the second child. We took Dennis into our custody exactly one year to the day that we lost our first child in court. To me, these are all signs that He was there all along. As someone else said, "My unexplained infertility now has an explanation" Another quote from someone else that I love: God's will is exactly what you would desire if you had all the facts And one more: Faith makes all things possible, not easy. Hang in there...
Loving all these posts! I always check the Catholic boards, but not too much goes on here, sadly. This has been great. I'm glad someone resurrected (no pun intended) your old thread, Runyan. I'm a bit more like mommamarci, as we didn't even contemplate the fertility treatments - I've always known God intended for me to be a mom. In fact, I wonder if that's not my main God-given talent, as I don't seem to have many others to offer so far, and it kept me busy teaching Bible school and CCD (oops, called SRE now) so I'd have interaction with others' kids while waiting on my own. Someone above mentioned something about being at peace with God finally during the wait - I remember rejoicing once we got past all the paperwork and were approved because although we couldn't go anything else at that point to affect the outcome of things, I could rest assured that it was all in God's hands at that point. It made things much easier! I felt so calm when I could pray for our child during the wait. Even if it wavers from time to time, I don't know how anyone gets through infertility and adoption without faith. Maybe that's one of the reasons we have gone through these things.... I wanted to add -- although we had a couple of moments where we questioned our choice to adopt though CC, I'm so glad we stayed w/ them. I'm glad someone pointed out that they're not really fully supported by the diocese (I thought it CRAZY that our DRE and PLC couldn't tell me where to call when we started and wanted the info on CC adoption!) but are like other agencies, yet maybe with even less funding. I hope I'm now an advocate for our local agency and can help spread the work about them.
Advertisements
Storkwatcher, I was just coming on to say the same thing. That I'm glad this thread is getting action. It's actually helping me in lots of ways to know other people have struggled with these same feelings. I can't tell you how comforting it is to know I'm not alone with this. And it helps me forgive myself, too. Runyan, thank you for all that you give to these forums. I've read so many of your posts and your threads, and you make such a difference. It's nice to have a positive voice here. Thank you.
Runyan2002
I never expected catholic charities to "not charge" for thier services, i did, however, expect them to give more help to catholics though. I sincerely expected them to give me and my husband, who are devout catholics and have been tithing all of our lives, and really participate in our church, more help.
proudmommyof 2
I feel closer to God as a parent. Now I know why He went from an angry Old Testament God to a forgiving one the in the New Testament-He became a dad.
proudmommyof 2
And one more: Faith makes all things possible, not easy.
Kat-L
Just like a woman who gives birth forgets the pain due to the overwhelming joy when she holds the baby, an adoptive mom also experiences that same joy when she holds her child for the first time.
Advertisements