What if the child isn't told the truth?

Our son looks just like us. In fact, when people find out he is adopted, they are shocked. We have been speaking very openly to him about adoption since he was a wee toddler. I cannot imagine having it any other way. Believe me, if your sister does not tell her child that he or she is adopted, someone else will. Without knowing, the child's life is being built around a lie. Honesty is always the best policy. :)

As an adoptee, I agree with the other posters that it is wrong to lie to a child about being adopted and believe that it does have the potential to cause great emotional harm. My amother told me that she "practiced" telling me that I was adopted before I could understand. At some point it must have sunk in because I do not remember ever being told ~ it's something I have simply always known. It's never been a big deal at all ~ to me, any of my arelatives, friends of family or friends of myself. It was normal ~ some people are born into families and some join a family by adoption. As I never knew any different, it was normal. On the other hand, I know two situations ~ acquaintances of my aparents ~ where children were lied to and the results were disastrous. One, a girl was told that her "father" was killed in WWII. Her Mother had a framed photo of her "husband", the girl's "father" on display. The truth was, her Mother had had an affair with a married man. This was in the mid 1940's and to publicly admit the truth would have labeled the child "illegitimate" and worse, not to mention what the Mother would have been called. The girl learned the truth when she was in her late teens ~ now the early 60's, still much less "open minded" than today ~ and the girl was horrified that she had been lied to, embarressed that she was "illegitimate" and even more horrified that her Mother had been "that type of woman". Instead of rebelling or being wild herself the girl became very strict with herself to prove that she was nothing like her Mother. Her relationship with her Mother never healed. The second situation was a young man that was adopted as an infant and never told. His aparents had a biological daughter five years after adopting him. In the early 70's when he was 15 he learned the truth. He went wild, accused his aparents of favoring their "real child" (not true), got involved with drugs and got in trouble with the law. He never recovered and remained completely alienated from his parents. He died when he was in his early 20's. It was a drug overdose and it was never clear if it was accidental or a suicide. These are two situations I have direct knowledge of. I have read many posts on the forum by adoptees that were lied to and learned the truth by accident when they were older or learned that they had been adopted after the death of their aparents. The adoptees posted how they felt horribly betrayed by their aparents. Very sad, but certainly understandable. I agree with BrandyHagz that for for your sister The truth eventually will come out. Please print this thread and share with your sister.

The research on this issue is very clear. The sooner the better. Just like you begin telling your daughter that she is a girl from birth, the same applies with adopted children. In that way the knowledge is something they have from their earliest memory and it is not a "shock" or "new" information. Generally, the later a child is told, the worse off. The child will feel that they cannot trust the parents because of the lies. regards

I was adopted at 6 weeks and always knew I was adopted-I must have been told at a very early age.Reading this thread I've tried to imagine how I would have felt if I had not been told and had found out by accident.I think I would feel livid,totally betrayed.Whatever the reasons I would not be able to believe that the choice to lie to me was out of love.I could fully imagine myself cutting myself off from my parents completely and never trusting another person.If you cannot trust the people who bring you up who can you trust? I know this sounds extreme and emotional, but the emotional pain and trauma an adopted child/adult goes through on discovering such deception must be almost unbearable. Unfortunately I think there are more adoptees that are lied to than we would like to think.All of us are capable of saying the right words to get approved to adopt.Maybe there should be a way that adoptees are told about their adoption at a certain age by an outside agency of some sort so that adoptive parents would not be able to decieve their children, Jude

Even assuming by some miracle the child didn't find out, it is still a bad idea not to tell. There are a number of medical decisions that might be made incorrectly, if the child gives his adoptive parents medical history rather then his biological parents, or lists unknown.

Bluebonnet is right. What happens if your niece needs a transfusion and her "parents" blood type doesn't match. Or the doctor is concerned about a possible health problem and she says "There is no history of 'breast cancer/heart disease/ high blood pressure, etc. in my family." That kind of lie can literally kill her.

I have a cousin whose parents never told him he was adopted. They lived in a different state and I saw them rarely growing up. When I was in college I spent a Thanksgiving holiday with my grandmother (closer to my college than home) and my cousins family was there. After dinner, I started to ask my aunt about the adoption - I had no idea it was a secret. She quickly hushed me and it was very uncomfortable - they had never told him. My Aunt was so anxious about being "discovered" that it almost consumed her. About two years later - my cousin found out that he was adopted and he was devastated. I think that there are really two problems with not telling your kids that they are adopted. First is that you are not being truthful. How can they trust their parents about anything if they can't trust you to be truthful about where they came from? Second - it is devastating to a child's self-esteem when the parents think that their very origin is so shameful that it needs to be secret. I suppose another way of looking at it is this: Your sister is the role model for how she wants her child to behave . . . What does she want her child to lie to her about?

I'm adopted and have an adopted daughter. It is harmful. She will find out and it will damage their relationship, possibly beyond repair. I have know for as long as I can remember I'm adopted. The earlier a child is told, the better. It is just a fact of life. I am proud to be adopted and even more proud that my aparents loved and respected me enough to be truthful. Another issue is medical info. Is your sister planning on making their medical history hers as well? Are they being honest with the doctor? This could have hundreds of potentially dangerous implications.

Hi. I'm a bmom of a man who would be 31 now. I searched for him last year and found him deceased. I have become close to several of his friends. They tell me he "found" his adoption papers in the attic when he was 19. His parents never intended on telling him he was adopted. He was stunned at being deceived to say the least. His best friend told me that after that my son began a downward spiral. Drugs, depression, and he ultimately ended his own suffering. So, take it from one who knows. Witholding a child's heritage is NOT WISE, the repercussions can be devastating and permanent. Good luck and God Bless, Kim

While I agree with what is being said, I thought I'd point out that the original post was back in 2005...so while it's a good topic to discuss, the person who had the original question is probably not still questioning this!

I am 50 and have known I was adopted from the get-go. I am confortable with that fact. I was very wanted and very fortunate. If you don't tell, trust me, someone will do it for you. Family, friends, someone in the communty...just a little slip...and then resentment sets in. I would rather know I was adopted and wonder what they are like, rather than to get the shock later in life. And then I am in a situation where we really need to find my birthmother for health reasons. I have enough heart to love All my family in my life. shelley

Ever since I gave my daughter up of adoption on 8/23/1971, if I heard it once I heard it 100 times, " they matched her up so close that they will never have to tell her so was adopted". When I was younger I thought it was a good idea but as I got older I thought how wrong it was and I hope she was told and not find out on her own.

Hi, I'm brand new to this board and was searching for a post just like this one. I'm glad you posted this question because I've been laboring over this very thing for years but, especially the last couple of days. I've adopted 5 children. The oldest is 9 and the youngest is 6. My sister adopted 2 children. The oldest is 10 and the youngest is 8. She just told her children thier story on Thanksgiving. I haven't admitted to my children being adopted yet. Don't flame me. I'm being honest. I have to tell them because they aren't all the same race. Lot's of kids have asked them were they adopted and I told them to tell the kids to mind thier own buisness. I've made some comments about what if I weren't thier real mother and some say they don't care, some say they'd cry. Then somehow they go right on talking about something else. I've read the books that earlier is better but me or my husband never wanted to address it. In fact, he never wanted to tell some of them. Now I'm stressing that I need to tell them. But how? I love them so much I don't want to devastate them. I don't want to be seen as not thier real mom. I just love them so much. Each of my children were born with drugs in thier system. All of them came as little babies (taken as babies immediately from thier mother- all on drugs) but 1, he came when he was almost 3 and in the beginning he use to talk about his other foster mom. When he saw her a week after being placed with me he acted like he was terrified of her. He hasn't said that in years. Here, I'll mention that the one's that were placed in foster care for a while were abused. They were placed with me through emergency services. I just need some advice and encouraging words. I will be telling them because I know it's the right thing to do. Don't blast me. I know these kids have had a better life. We've given them more love and attention and just things than either my or my husbands bio kids (now grown) ever had. We're in position to do so much for them. My heart breaks when I look into thier face and know I have to reveal that I didn't have them from my tummy. Or, they may know more than I give them credit for. Thanks for listening.

sblk, I would suggest that you create a list of 'how and when' and look at the pro's and con's of each scenario, on paper. Once something is laid out in writing it is easier to view objectively. Example of a how and when to list - which is just off the top of my head:As a group, each with his own story, starting from oldest to youngest. Pro's - they all find out at the same time and can talk it out with you and between them. Con's - each of your children are unique and may react differently and you won't be able to address it then specifically. As to being their Mom and Dad...from an adoptee...YOU ARE THEIR MOM AND DAD...being honest ensures that they always trust you. They have another family out there but that family is unique to YOU and YOU are unique to them - we have more than enough love to love both families in different ways. YOU are raising YOUR children, they are YOUR children. Don't worry you are unique and not replaceable. Take a deep breath, look to your future, a future built with your family in complete honesty (age appropriate of course). Kind regards,Dickons

Yeah... I need to just relax. And think about what I'm going to say. You have good suggestions. I'll talk to them as a whole then as they ask and as time goes on I'll talk to them individually. I am going to talk to them but I really do dread it. Thanks for being so kind. I expect or expected to really get an ear full.