How to explain about birthmother/drug addiction?

Actually, I just found a great thread that I thought I would include here in case anyone else had a similar question to mine: thread title is "How to explain that the Birth Mother has made very bad Choices?"

I'm in a similar situation. My son just turned 3 years old and hasn't yet started to ask questions. His birth-mother is a long-time drug addict (at the time of his birth a 9 year user). She also used during her pregnancy. However, since she was incarcerated for much of that time, she had very limited access to drugs and Shai was born healthy, if small. He was released from the hospital directly to foster care. I often wonder what to tell him. How much does he need to know? What my husband and I are planning to do is this: If he asks questions, we'll answer. Age appropriate. A 4 year old, an 8 year old definitely doesn't need to know that his birth-mother is a drug addict and made a complete mess of her life. As he gets older, we want him to know as much of the truth as he can handle emotionally. The teen years are difficult enough without having to carry the knowledge of his birth-mother's troubles. We also plan on consulting with our social worker and/or with a psychologist when it comes to the how/how much/when to tell him. We won't lie to him, but we don't want him hurt by an overwhelming amount of painful information. He'll always know that he is loved.

Shai's mom, thanks for your reply. I hope I didn't make too much of a mistake with our 4 1/2 yr old. I was taken by surprise when she asked (I don't live with them, but stay over sometimes and she asked while being tucked in bed). She asked why her "other mommy" didn't keep her, and I said her birth mommy loved her but was a drug addict, which changes a person to where they can't take care of babies. Then she asked if her other mommy was in jail! I said we didn't know, that we weren't sure where she was. Then she said she thought she would be a jail a long long time. I just siad I didn't know, but that the main thing for her to remember was that she was a gift from her birthmommy's tummy, that her daddy was there when she was born and was so happy to have her, and loved her, and that I met her when she was 2, and I loved her like a mommy and that we would always love her no matter what. She's asked several questions since then about drug addiction and if I or daddy would do that, so I said no, we would never do that and she would never have to worry about that. I haven't answered her specific drug questions (like where did she get them), but have said "the main thing to remember is that we love you and will always love you". Sorry for the long post, but it just happened and I was worrying about it. I think I might have messed up mentioning the drug addiction, but I hope that emphasizing that her daddy was there and how much we will always love her will repair that. Any input on what else to say, or how else to handle it since I already opened my big mouth and talked about the drug addiction and not being allowed to take care of babies...i.e. it wasn't really birthmom's fault but the "drugs that changed her so she couldn't take care of her" fault. Thanks for reading!!

Mosiac, I think your response was not only appropriate but Beautiful! You did not put the bmom down, you were honest, and you were also supportive. So many people put off telling the truth so long that the child hears the truth somewhere else. It is always best to hear the truth from someone that loves you. It is true, drugs do change people and they do things that they wouldn't normally do. Most bmom's do love their children to the best of their ability.

Mosaic, I agree with Rights's post as well. This is such a difficult subject, and, when it comes down to it, we have to tell our kids the best way we know how. Who is to say that my way is right and your way is wrong. The goal is to make sure our children know the truth of where they came from without them feeling "responsible" for their biological parent's failures. As much as I love my son, I can't wrap him in cotton and put him in a little box to protect him from all the hurt he will have to face. When he asks, I will have to find a way to tell him. And I hope I'll have the wisdom to choose the right words.

Our kids knew the truth when they came to us (bmom is an addict), and in the two years since then, our now 8 year old son still talks and asks about her. What worries me is the education at school seems to demonize drug addicts. I think you not only need to tell your kids the truth, but you also need to round out what they're hearing in class - just say no is appropriate for them, but sometimes people (like your mom) are hurting so badly they make poor choices. I tell him she must have been hurting so much to try them, and we know she started when she was a kid, and sometimes kids don't make the best decisions because they don't know what can happen with drugs ("but you do, don't you, huh?") To get a feel for what the drugs do, I explain it's like when I'm calling him to come here when he really, really has to go to the bathroom. He wants to do what I ask, he really does, but he's GOTTA GO. It's like that with drugs - his mom wanted to take care of him, but the drugs were pulling her so hard she couldn't do what she needed to so he'd be safe, fed and cared for. And it's not like you can take drugs before you need them, like going to the bathroom before you're desperate, because the drugs stop you from doing the things you need to do. I respect what the schools are doing, but I don't want my kids to think their birth mother is a monster or doesn't love them. Loving a child and being able to take care of a child are two very different things. She needs to find the strength to fix her addiction, but she's got to be the one to do it and I gently explain some people do, and some people don't. We don't know yet if she will, but WE won't ever do drugs and we'll always be their family.