help: pushy agency on openness

Your post popped up before I was done mine... From what I'm hearing from you, boundries are key. If that means at this time you don't establish email contact, so be it... I do hear you when you say your emotional state affects your son. Just remember you are in control of how you let things affect you. Sounds like you are really honest with yourself, so don't feel you need to apologize for your feelings. Who knows, with time you might see things differently. Despite the heartache, it really is a beautiful process... IMHO!

Cobb, I would love to hear how you went about validatating your own parenthood. You see, in addition to dealing with bmom's not-so-good acknowledgement of my motherhood, I originally had an issue with my husband early on. Now, don't worry, he's very supportive now and a *wonderful* father, but we had some rough times in the beginning. You see, our infertility was male infertility, as in 0 sperm count, due to a genetic issue. So, our son arrives, and my husband goes from normal-wonderful-love-of-my-life guy to have-to-be-the-best-parent-who-ever-lived-guy. So, I found myself hearing how I have no special role in my son's life, that there's nothing I can do for him that my husband can't do, and even - in the heat of an argument - that I am a bad mother (because I was exhausted at the end of the day home with our son when he was a baby and rountinely went up to take a nap when my husband got home from work). So, to say that I have a little emotional baggage going on is probably an understatement. HOWEVER, everything settled down as I validated my husband's fatherhood (and he really is superb), and bmom faded into the background for a year and half. Things had just settled down and we were so happy. So, anyway, just more background for my free group therapy sessions with y'all. PS: I also did my best to validate our bmom's role. When I gave our son his first haircut, I sent her the snipet - first fruits if you will. I did not keep any for myself.

Yes, you are getting good advice. Personal boundaries is important. Unfortunately, you need to limit how people affect you. In other words, they will still act how they act, but you can only be the changing factor. Me- I'm much better now with boundaries than I was many years ago. Time will help you, and talking to people...But only I could help the way I was feeling. I am firmly entrenched in parenthood, birth parenthood, life and I have seen my ideals, beliefs acted upon/ reacted to/ carried out and thereby been reaffirmed that I was 'right' (for me and my children - all 4 of them) by the outcomes. When I learned I was 'wrong' I worked to change my thought process to avoid being 'wrong' again (wrong for my life). Birth parents are not the acting parents but ultimately we are all looking out for the future of a person and in that, we are parents still. Jens - Thank you. I find you (and so many others here) so very inspiring. I consider these lives I read about here, the experiences, the outcomes, the learnings in most of my decisions now about adoption, with my personal situation, about reform and my letter writing... all of it. Thank you Maia :)

looksee1: just popped in, but don't have time to post right now. Wanted to let you know I will be back... :)

"So, to say that I have a little emotional baggage going on is probably an understatement. HOWEVER, everything settled down as I validated my husband's fatherhood (and he really is superb), and bmom faded into the background for a year and half. Things had just settled down and we were so happy." There are soooo many things I'd love to tell you, but the first is, if things are this way for you now after they "settled down" they were never really settled, only sleeping. Your issues are still there and unless they are addressed now, they will remain. I am an amom in a very open adoption. I have lived with the surivior's guilt, as you describe it, for too long and am working very hard at ridding myself of it. But, my working on myself doesn't preclude me from trying to be helpful to my child's birthmother. I have heard too many of her feelings too, heard too much of her inner most thoughts, and it has weighed heavily on my heart. But, I am still here for her- not because I am a glutten for punishment- but because she is important to me, and ultimately her health is important to my child. In the past I put myself second too often, I let myself not be seen as my child's mother by my child's birthfamily (and to some extent other family) because I didn't want to hurt anyone (especially the birthmother), and in doing so devalued myself. Today I am rebuilding my identity as a mom, in my own eyes and hopefully in theirs as well. But, (again with the but) I am still here, still listening, still helping my child's birthmother with her pain. Be clear about how often you are able to read and reply to email. As for being called mom, having your role as mom respected, where is the agency's help in this? You say you read the books mentioned, by Gritter and Melina, but it doesn't seem much stayed with you from those books. You did respond positively to Brandy's account of being an adoptee, then I would like to recommend you read Children of Open Adoption. It has many firsthand accounts and letters shared by children and their birth and adoptive families. Many of the adoptions are not fully open, most are semi open or semi closed with a component of written communication. None of us here are trying to convert you to open adoption, we are suggesting you give this email a try, but don't just let it happen to you, be in charge of it. I say don't just let it happen to you because I hear that in your "voice." Take charge, that is what we are all telling you to do by telling you to set boundaries and be honest about your feelings (about not bieng called mom, hearing disparaging remarks about the birthfather). Don't sit back and feel resentful that something is being done to you. You have an opportunity here. I respect that you came here for feedback. It's not easy and honestly I wanted to be pretty harsh with you from your first few posts. I recognized, however, you wouldn't still be posting or engaging if you weren't still reading and considering. My last thing, the last I can remember this late anyway, considering finding a counselor for yourself. An impartial person who is there for you maybe a very important part of sorting out your feelings. Even if the birthmother does fade away again and things "settle down" a counselor is a good idea. (speaking from experience here) Take care, and I think most of here want to know how your emails pan out.

Looksee, I've thought alot about how to respond to your thread. While I could tell you exactly the way I view my own situation, I doubt that would be helpful. It's not the end result that's important, it's the process I went through to get there. So, in thinking about your posts (also realizing that what you posted is only a small part of what you've experienced), I am left with the impression that you haven't been able to sort out all the emotions surrounding your son's bmom. A technique I have found valuable when dealing with complex feelings is first visualize the whole situation, making careful note of how you feel, any response in your body (tight chest, queeziness, etc.). Once you have that pretty clear in your head, pick one part of the issue and set it aside. For instance, it bothers you that bmom refers to herself as mom. When you take that out of the equation, you can revisualize the situation as if that isn't a problem (meaning she stops doing that one behavior). Make a note of whether your feelings change. If you feel 100% better, then that's the only issue you need to address (rarely this easy though). If you don't feel any different, it's not your real issue. If you feel a little better, it is one of your issues. So, put that issue back in and take something else out, say bmom's negativity about bdad. Go back through the process. This is a simplistic explanation, since obviously these two issues bother you. What happens to your feelings if you take both those issues out? If you trully feel better about the bmom after doing so, then fixing or dealing with these issues should help. If not, you need to dig deeper. Some ideas, lack of acknowledgement as a mom from your husband, lingering grief over infertility. Only you know what your issues are. If you can sort them out a little and break them into smaller chunks each becomes easier to address. When your able to focus on one part, it is alot less overwhelming. After you determine what specifically about the relationship is troubling for you, you will have a better ability to chose your course of action. I also wanted to give you a different way to look at relationships. We are wired to think from a win/lose perspective. Our gut makes us afraid of giving what we value to others, because we are afraid of losing some of it for ourselves. I want to offer a scenerio that most of us can relate to using myself as an example, then apply it to adoption. About three years into our marriage dh and I had that realization that every argument was about the same thing, even when we thought we were arguing about something else. :rolleyes: We found ourselves in that pattern, didn't want to be hurtful to one another, so set out to fix it. Even though on the surface I rejected the idea that "when we married, we became one", I do believe it lingered in my subconscious. I wanted him to communicate my way... What I realized is, instead of becoming one, we actually became three. Him, me and who we are together or the relationship. The trick became, whenever we found ourselves in a pointless win/lose argument, the first one who realized it, would stop fighting for themselves and start fighting for the relationship. Because both of us have invested so deeply in who we are as a couple, when we fight for the relationship, we're not giving anything away. When the relationship is nurtured I win, because it's part of who I am. By giving what is necessary to keep it strong, I'm not losing anything personally and find it easier to empathize with him and find the compromise. We were able to turn it around, it became win/win. I can't begin to tell you how much of a difference this has made in our marriage... The thing I realize is that any relationship we value has this same component. You value your son's bmom, because she is important to him. Can you begin to think of that relationship as a separate entity that you are invested in? What are the actions you can take to make it stronger? Where is that point of compromise, where you give what it takes to make it work, but not so much that you feel like your losing something valuable to you. Obviously it's easier to go through this process when two people are both committed to working on the relationship, but do you think you could take the lead? By helping her, you would be helping yourself. Sugarbaby gives some great reasons for why it's worth making the effort. If you decide you want to reach out to her, you have to cut out the agency as a middle man and communicate with her directly. There are two things I think would be necessary right at the beginning. First, the boundries - you are not expected to devote your life to this one relationship, you have many others that are important to you that need your time and attention. Figure out what the balance point is and be clear. Second, address with her your concerns about negativity towards the bdad and calling herself mom. She might not realize that the negativity has the potential of hurting your son and surely the two of you can come up with a name that both of you can live with. Maybe she just needs some title that recognizes her contribution to his life, it doesn't have to mom, but maybe a special name followed by her first name. This got long (others out there aren't surprised :p). I know that I'm not always clear, so feel free to ask me anything you want. Also, feel free to tell me if I'm off base. My motto is take what's useful and discard the rest! I know that this is a difficult time for you, but guarantee if you work on your feelings and issues now, you will be richer for it! In doing so you will have a deeper understanding of yourself. That's always a good thing. Take Care, Cobb

Forgot to say: When establishing boundries remember that we teach others how to treat us. If we tolerate bad behavior without saying something, we inadvertently condone it. Respect yourself and show others what respecting you means. One last thought, the girls bmom was not in a position where visits would be healthy with the girls. Not only had she neglected them, but she put them in situations in which they were abused. I have alot of anger about the decisions she's made. Yet, I still reach out to her. First, she will never say or do anything that would make that anger go away. It's my issue and my responsibility to deal with, not hers. Second, I figure I have a choice. I can try to be a positive influence or a negative one. Neither of us gain anything if I were to write her off. Instead, I stay open to her and do what I can to support her in changing her life (without investing myself in her changing - which I have no control over). In doing so, I could be supportive when she realized she was unable to take care of the girls emotional needs even though she wasn't ready to acknowledge that she also didn't keep them safe. I don't even necessarily do this for her, but for myself. I find peace in knowing I have done all I can. Not sure how this last bit might apply to you, but wanted to put it out there.

You should be a therapist; maybe you are! I tried your technique. The thing that gets my goat, using your technique, is the calling herself mom thing. Related to that is the 2-year-old "mine,mine, mine" mentality I've got going on. I'm going to spend some time thinking about how to grow up. You've given me a lot to think about. I'll be back in touch.

Looksee: I had a few thoughts as I read through this thread too. I am a mom of one son with a very open adoption and a second foster, soon to be adoptive son, who will likely have very little openness in his adoption. We planned to have open adoptions with both adoptions (and will try to open the second as much as possible), but there were definitely some issues that were very hard about open adoption that we were definitely not prepared for--and that I think touch on some of the same issues you are having. When Ben was born we had three visits with his birthfamily members within the first six weeks. At those visits both his birthmom and birthdad would swoop in and pick him up and carry him about calling themselves "mommy" and "daddy" and him their son. It was unbelievably and surprising hard for us. It took a call or two to our social worker and a little more time for everyone to get used to the situation before the feelings died down. I think for his birthparents it just took time for them to get used to the idea on a deep level that they were not raising him. The "mommy" and "daddy" stuff died out fairly quickly, but I think a big part of that was because they saw him fairly often and it became clear that they were not parenting him in any traditional sense. I suspect, that for your son's birthmom, in many ways he, as a toddler, is not real to her. She is probably still seeing him as the infant she was the mom to, that she did care for in the months before he was born and probably for a short period after he was born. Because she has no real life contact with you, it may be hard for her to let go of that picture. Hopefully, if you point out to her how hurtful it is to hear her use "mom" because you feel it doesn't acknowledge your role, you two can come together to come up with another special title for her role in your son's life. As to son, our social worker pointed out to us that he is their son and always will be. She is right. He is the son of four now, and grandson, great-grandson, cousin, nephew, etc. of many more. The second thought I had is that whatever feelings are present in an adoption are going to be present no matter how long you take to address them. So, if you don't address them now, when your son is young, they are only going to fester and be there in a bigger and deeper way when he is older. If you don't work out whatever issues you and his birthmom have now, then they are going to cloud whatever relationship your son and she may eventually have--and incidentally whatever relationship you and your son have. I cannot imagine how hard it would have been if the insecurities, difficulties, fears we had about open adoption all had to be faced at once when my son was 20, or 30 or 40. As it is now, I feel like we have worked through most of these feelings as they came up, and because of that we have a strong enough relationship that should stuff arise in the future it will be much easier to face. Boundaries help a lot (as others have urged), but also letting his birthparents know they can communicate with us, and we will communicate with them and they will get to see him (as that was part of our agreement) made their pressure to see and communicate with us less urgent and more natural making it much easier. It has been hard at times--but overall extremely rewarding and now, five years after placement and adoption, I am very happy with the relationship, as are they. You should definitely take in all viewpoints and do what you feel most comfortable with--but I also think that if you work through what bothers you with the birthmom and encourage communication with limits, in the end both of you will end up being happier and feeling better about the relationship and in the end your son will be the winner.

Looksee, It's great that your honest with yourself about your feelings. I think many of us have gone through the "mine" issue. In some ways it's inevitable. Our only way to describe our relationship to another is with some possessiveness. For instance, if I want to introduce dh and explain his role in my life. I would say this is MY husband. There is really no other way of doing it. The reality is that he's not mine though. He only belongs to himself (and because of his personal beliefs, to God). He may have a lot of people who define his relationship to them, he's my son, my brother, my father, my uncle, my friend... but it's impossible for any one of those relationships to encompass who he is as a person, they are only a part of the equation. Ultimately, it is the same with our children. One of the hardest things about parenting is that realization that our children aren't really ours and that our job is to decrease their dependence on us. That can be hard to see when your child is small since their whole lives are wrapped up in yours. But, it is our responsibilty to prepare them to live independently, so we must loosen our hold. At the same time, many relationships have two components, a public and a personal. In the case of my biodaughter the public occured as soon as I signed the birth certificate, which granted me the legal right to make decisions for her. The personal, while existent at birth deepened over time. I invite you to think about what makes you your son's mommy. While the adoption finalization is an important legal component that provides your family with validation and security, it only confers upon you the public recognition of your relationship. I'm sure you became mommy before that happened. A judge can't make that so, only you can through your care of your son, the rocking, late night feedings, giggles, kissing of boo-boos form the bond that exists between the two of you. No one can ever replace that relationship you have formed with him, it is unique. You are mommy. In other words it's not the title, but the relationship you've formed that's significant. Your sons bmom also has a unique relationship with him. But, she has no legal recognition of that relationship. Hers is on the personal level which developed through her pregnancy and existed at birth. Because she decided she was unable to parent her child, that relationship she has with him develops in a different way. I think Volfe expressed it best in that she has a lifelong concern and investment in your son's future. That's a good thing. The more people that love and care for a child, the better off that child is (IMO). But, is that relationship something to be jealous of, is it comprable to the relationship that you have formed... I don't mean to imply that one is better or worse, but that they are different. There is absolutely no way that bmom can co-op your role as mommy, even if she thinks of herself as mom. It does sound as if your son's bmom has issues that she needs to work through. It is in her best interest to understand the reality of her relationship with your son. I think LeslieP's post is a really good representation of that. But, I guess my thought is that her needs don't need to be precieved as a threat. (Not sure if I explained it well?!?!?) You are a legitimate parent because you parent every day... Your son is a unique little guy who benefits from that love and parenting... At his age, quantity counts! A few visits or email correspondance, won't jeopardize your relationship. Don't know exactly how all of this pertains to your decision making process. It's hard for me to express how I view the mother/child relationship. I hope this makes some sense.

Thanks for these last few thoughtful posts. I have had some time to think things over, and I am actually looking forward to starting the email correspondence in January. I think it is time for bmom and I to talk directly about how things are going to go in the future. We've been talking through the agency for too long. I think that there are a lot of things that she needs to hear from me; that she is a part of his life forever, that I see her in so many things about him, that she is going to be very important to him in a way that is unique to her, and that we love him with our very hearts and souls. I think, too, that it is time for us to lay out how we believe things should go. After having read a lot of emails on this forum, the majority of them from bmoms, we feel pretty comfortable with our original idea, that there will be no visits or direct communication on some type of scheduled, routine basis. It is too difficult to reduce it if we have a less open adoption with a second, or if circumstances change. It breaks bmom's heart. We will, however, be very open to visits and direct communication when he hits that age - whenever that will be - when he has questions whose answers really need to come from her. At that point, we will have as many visits or talks between them as he needs and, after letting her know that badmouthing bdad is off limits, we will step out of it and let that relationship develop naturally. And we will be the sole judge of when that time comes; not the agency, not bmom. When I take Cobb's breathing test, I feel relaxed with this decision.

Looksee, hope you stick around through your journey. Let us know how it goes. There's bound to be rough patches, but we'll be here to help carry you through.

Looksee, I'm so glad to hear that you're starting to feel excited about email contact. Just take it one day at a time. You may be surprised to find our where it leads you... Make sure to keep us informed!

looksee1, Not sure if you stop around here much anymore, but hadn't forgotten your story and was wondering how things are going? Hope to find you around...

Hi everyone. I saw the request for the update. I haven't been on for a long time because, to tell the truth, I was exhausted after our flurry of email and needed to absorb what I'd learned. And, drumroll please.... bmom has not written me a thing! I just wrote her our next pic & letter installment; the second since she requested our email address, and reitterated that we'd love to hear from her. We've not heard a squeak. So, perhaps she had second thoughts. Perhaps she's really busy. Perhaps she got a vibe of reluctance from us (who knows what the agency tells her about these things when they filter info to her). I don't know. I'm about to call the agency again to see if there is anything we can do. I can't believe how much time I spent obsessing about how to do this right for everyone and it all turned out to be much ado about nothing. LOL. Story of my life. Since then, however, we have been rejected by two bmoms who just sounded like wondeful matches with us, right down to the degree of openness with which they were comfortable, so I'm very, very down. I'll be sure to be back in touch if anything interesting happens. Thanks for caring, all.