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I don't know why I'm here. I've made so many mistakes, and I have no idea where to start fixing things. I don't even know why I'm writing here. In 2001, my girlfriend at the time came to me and told me she was pregnant, and that the child was mine. I was very happy, as I was helping her raise her first child from a previous relationship, and loved both of them very much. She did not share my feelings. She wanted to put the child up for adoption. Long story short, we disagreed on what was to be done, and after her family shared the opinion I held, (which was that we keep the child) she screamed at me that I was "turning her family against her" even though I had never even brought up the issue with them. She broke off our engagement and told me she never wanted to see me again. At the time, I was destroyed by this. I moved, I lost my job, and I lost all hope. She wouldn't return my phone calls. I had no idea what was happening. Her family wouldn't talk to me. I don't even know if the child was born or if she got an abortion. Now, a couple of years later, I still have no idea what happened, and to compound the issue, now I don't think I have enough information to find out. We now live in different states, and with no idea if she even listed me as the birth father, I don't have any idea what to do. Because of all this, I haven't trusted anyone since. I'm finally starting to open up again, and I think its because I've finally started dealing with the emotional damage. With my situation, is it even wise for me to be considering trying to find out what happened? Do I have any way of finding out? Legally, do I even have the rights availabe to me to get the information? I'm so frustrated. I've been angry so long that all that's left is sadness. Three years later and the wounds are still fresh. I can't see a child playing, hear them laugh. I just break down. I have some major guilt. I feel it even though I try to tell myself I was as responsible as I could have been, and that its not my fault. I don't know what to do, and I'm here because I need to say something to someone or it will just sit inside me and kill me a little more each day. I feel empty inside, and I feel like its all my fault. Is it? Do I deserve this? These are the questions that keep me up at night. I'm sorry for venting on you folks. Merry Christmas, good luck, and God bless.
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mrlonely,
I dont' have any words of advice... I know nothing about searching for someone/information.
Just wanted to give you a little (hug), and bump your thread, so maybe someone more knowledgeable will see it.
((hugs))
Nicole
P.S. Have you tried getting in touch with your ex-fiancee or her family? That's where I'd start....
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mrlonely ~ There have been a few good discussions about birthfather rights, lately. The plight that some of you go through is certainly no an easy one.
Like Nicole, I don't have much advice, but wanted you to know that someone is listening, and that we care. I'm going to send this link to another birthfather here, and hopefully he can pick up where we are lost.
Don't sweat the venting...we all do it from time to time...better to get the feelings out that have them eating you up inside. You are among friends, here.
Hugs!
~Deb
mrlonely,
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. :( I don't have much helpful advice, but I wanted to offer my support.
One thing I would suggest is contacting an adoption agency in the state where you were living at the time (and where this girl would most likely have given birth) and asking for information about that state's adoption registry, if one exists. I'm not sure how much help it would be, but you can supply your information, and then the child will at least be able to search for you. I know that's not much comfort right now, but it's a place to start.
Please feel free to vent! All of us are ready to lend an ear. :)
Coco
Hi Mrlonely,
I am sorry to hear that you are in pain and that you dont know what happened with your child. It also sounds like there might be some issues with the loss of the girlfriend you loved.
If the child was born and placed for adoption she most certainly didnt place you on the birth certificate. If she had you would have been contacted. You had a fundamental right to parent your child. Unfortunately, you needed to assert that in a court of law. Because you didnt, your rights would have been stripped away.
I dont want to be too presumptious, but I would guess that you will never have peace of mind until you know what happened. I would find a discreet and trusted third party (maybe your parents) to contact the girl and her family and politely inquire as to what happened. I would make it clear to her and the family that you are simply looking for information and that you will have no further contact and that you will not disrupt their lives again once you know.
If the family refused to divulge what happened then I would contact a lawyer and have then draft a letter stating that you will bring her and her family into court to find out what happened. Even if your rights have been stripped away, you still have a fundamental right to be heard in a court of law. My guess is that the girl and the family would then answer because they certianly wouldntwant to be dragged into court - especially if they previously deceived the court. If you have to, I would actually take it to court. It depends how far you would want to take this.
You can also check with your state to see if they ever published a public notification under her name for an unknown birthfather.
Please remember that your girlfriend went through a tramatic experience, regardless of what action she took. Always remember that and treat her kindly even if you are putting her through a difficult time by asserting your rights.
Also, you need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Do you have people close to you that you can talk about this with? Have you considered seeing someone professionally. What you are going through is terribly traumatic and it is important to make sure that you have support.
Something about this story just doesnt seem right. It is odd that they would abruptly stop contact and then not tell you what happened to your child.
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Maybe I can help. Please email me at Lmc618@hotmail.com I'm a birthmom, my son will almost be a year old. Anyways, I hope you can email me.
Oh I feel for you. Hugs as well.
As a Adoptee that has read my records and know birth mother's name but not father as she did not list him I feel for all fathers. My records say that my father did not even know about me as they had broken up before she knew about me and she had no idea how to contact him. I feel bad because this guy has a daughter out there he does not even know about.
mrlonely
I don't know why I'm here. I've made so many mistakes, and I have no idea where to start fixing things. I don't even know why I'm writing here. In 2001, my girlfriend at the time came to me and told me she was pregnant, and that the child was mine. I was very happy, as I was helping her raise her first child from a previous relationship, and loved both of them very much. She did not share my feelings. She wanted to put the child up for adoption. Long story short, we disagreed on what was to be done, and after her family shared the opinion I held, (which was that we keep the child) she screamed at me that I was "turning her family against her" even though I had never even brought up the issue with them. She broke off our engagement and told me she never wanted to see me again. At the time, I was destroyed by this. I moved, I lost my job, and I lost all hope. She wouldn't return my phone calls. I had no idea what was happening. Her family wouldn't talk to me. I don't even know if the child was born or if she got an abortion. Now, a couple of years later, I still have no idea what happened, and to compound the issue, now I don't think I have enough information to find out. We now live in different states, and with no idea if she even listed me as the birth father, I don't have any idea what to do. Because of all this, I haven't trusted anyone since. I'm finally starting to open up again, and I think its because I've finally started dealing with the emotional damage. With my situation, is it even wise for me to be considering trying to find out what happened? Do I have any way of finding out? Legally, do I even have the rights availabe to me to get the information? I'm so frustrated. I've been angry so long that all that's left is sadness. Three years later and the wounds are still fresh. I can't see a child playing, hear them laugh. I just break down. I have some major guilt. I feel it even though I try to tell myself I was as responsible as I could have been, and that its not my fault. I don't know what to do, and I'm here because I need to say something to someone or it will just sit inside me and kill me a little more each day. I feel empty inside, and I feel like its all my fault. Is it? Do I deserve this? These are the questions that keep me up at night. I'm sorry for venting on you folks. Merry Christmas, good luck, and God bless.