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My husband and I have three biological children and are compelled to look into adoption to expand our family. We have been talking about this for the past two months and are getting frustrated with all the varying options and opinions. We have been talking to many people and can not decide which way to go. We like the thought about going through the state to help kids here and it would also be financially easier for us but when we talk to people about state kids they say they can really bring problems into your house becuase of all the baggage they carry. That is why we are also looking at Ethiopia where the children are suffering loss but don't have quite so many problems. There have got to be good kids out there in our state. We are thinking about adopting one or possibly two (siblings) in the 0-6 age range. We also wonder if going through the state is better than going through AAI which we have heard wonderful things about. Can anyone help us?
Some of the reasons for many of the common problems with adopted kids are a history of prenatal exposure, abuse, neglect, trauma, etc. With international adoptions, it is often difficult to know the child's history. There is no particularly compelling reason to think a child from another country will have had less trauma, or will repsond differently. The stereotyped picture of the "grateful orphan" is unrealistic, and insulting. (I didn't mean you expected that, but some do). But there is no reason to think internationally adopted kids will be easier, more appreciative, or anything else.
A friend has adopted 2 beautiful kids from Russia. One has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, not diagnosed till long after the adoption was final. The other has intense fears and anxiety about abandonment, and has started telling stories about his grandmother beating him, and leaving him in the woods. No way to tell if these stories are based on facts or imagination (he was cared for by a grandmother for awhile before adoption).
These kids are sweet, wonderful children, and have enriched their parents' lives greatly. But their needs are no different than any other kid, and it has only made it more difficult to have no dependable history or financial assistance. Both are in therapy that would have been subsidized if they had been domestic adoptions. With a little more background, perhaps the parents could have sought help sooner. I don't know, and I don't mean to be critical of people who do international adoptions. I just wanted to point out that the issues parents face are not all that different.
Good luck to you on your journey, whatever path you take!
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Hi-
I am relatively new to this forum and equally new to foster / adopt, but thought you might like to hear from someone who is going through it now and for the first time...
If you are looking to foster/adopt through the state, you will receive assistance from them, including training classes that will help you deal with any potential behavior problems, etc. Also, in dealing with the state (most I believe), you must complete a profile stating what levels of "abuse" you are willing to take. My husband and I were quite specific in not accepting sexually abused children (after dealing with a relative who had been sexually abused we realized we didn't want to live that kind of nightmare every day) and also stated that we preferred not to accept drug addicted babies, etc.
If you are willing to wait, you will find the right child will come to you. We waited almost two years for our foster daughter and she is an angel... not to say her halo isn't a little tarnished, but again, like it has been said even biochildren aren't always perfect. I will tell you though to expect some difficulties with sleeping and other transitions such as daycare. Our fd has been with us two months and is really settling into a routine and very content; all her caseworkers are so pleased by her progress and we were blessed that she didn't bring along a LOT of emotional baggage. Of course, she did not come from an abusive home, she was taken for neglect (which brings along its own set of worries) and does have some attachment issues, such as ZERO fear of strangers and a HUGE fear of abandonment (for the first two weeks of daycare, she cried every morning - now she rarely even looks back after I take her to her classroom).
Foster / adoption through the state can also be a better alternative for those who don't have the financial resources for other types of adoptions. You will recieve a monthly stipend for room / board which will cover food, clothing and the increased utilities (although just barely!) and most provide assistance with things like daycare and any special medical / psychological needs.
I will warn you of two things, though, unique to the foster / adopt arena...
ASK LOTS OF QUESTIONS!!! Not every caseworker is going to be the ideal... they tend to be overworked, underpaid and have a huge caseload. Don't be afraid to ask questions... though we thought we knew all about our foster daughter when she came to live with us, after two weeks and a ton more questions, a lot more came to light than what we were originally told.
BE PREPARED FOR AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER! I think the hardest part of this whole process is not the children, but the birth families... in dealing with state-custody children, you will run across some pretty bitter and angry birthparents. And in doing foster / adopt, it is considered "legal risk" type placements, meaning you must cooperate with the birth family until the courts decide if / when to terminate their parental rights. At the same time, you will see the origins / causes of a lot of the behaviors the kids bring from dealing with their parenting (or lack thereof). The first two weeks of our placement, I thought I was going to have a melt-down from the emotional upheaval, but two months into this, I feel like an "old hand" in dealing with the system.
I guess, in all fairness, these little guys are first and foremost CHILDREN and they are never completely demons or angels, it's just those in fostercare have had their horns sharpened and their wings clipped, so they really do need a family prepared to give loads of TLC and patience.
Good luck and God bless you for making this choice!
SunnyAndi13
Welcome to the foster / adopt process. We have adopted 6 kids. 5 of which came thru the foster system, 4 of which are a sibling group we fostered then adopted.
Our first adoption was from another foster system in another state. We saw her on a web site, applied for her, and were chosen. We were told she was RAD, uh, nope. No way no how. She bonded almost immediately but she had a really good cw and fp that had her prepared. She does have abandonment issues and still worries if I have to leave her with a sitter (which has only been with our older bio kids). If a sitter comes to our home, she is fine. (** left her at daycare and didn't come back, she was 5 and now 8).
Our sibling group, bonded well right away too. They were glad to be out of the previous foster home and 2 were torn about going back to bf or staying here (they felt they were betraying their bf). One other one wanted to stay here from beginning and little one to young to remember any other life. They are from neglect, 2 were molested by ** boyfriend but are OK now. We had a few issues at first but we were consistent with our rules and we haven't had an incident in almost a year (we've had them 20 mos). Oldest dd is developmentally delayed but we believe it is due to birth home and environment. She is making great progress being homeschooled.
Our youngest was a private adoption from birth so no issues there. Got her because bp didn't want to deal with a baby that is Down Syndrome.
Ages of our adopted kids: girls, 10, 9, 8, 4, 18 mos. 1 boy, 8 yo. Bio kids, boys 25 and 24 and girl 23 in Feb.
The nice thing about doing foster / adopt, was we got to know the kids prior to the TPR and then given the choice if we wanted to keep them. We knew them, we were comfortable with them and them us. Our first dd, we were chosen for her May 2002, met her on a Monday in Aug and brought her home that Friday. Yes, we had the 6 month waiting period and we wouldn't have disrupted for the world but I've heard of it happening.
Good luck and God's Blessings on whichever decision you make!
Thank you. Those are exactly the stories we are looking for. I want people to be real and let us know what happened with them. We just want this to be a good move for our family and the children we are adopting in. I just don't want it to cause too much stress on our marriage or our family core by wanting to add to our family. I guess the biggest thing is getting a good case worker and letting them know what we are willing to handle and a lot of praying and faith that we will get the child or children that God intended for us.
Thank you for your input.
I have been doing some reading on the web site and reading some books. All these books sound so depressing and hopeless. Do the children go through a period of horrible behavior and then regression. The books talk a lot about attachment problems as well. Is this accurate or are the books trying to show you the worse side so you are prepared.
One other question how do the schools react when enrolling the children. Are they sensitive to their needs? Do they allow retesting for placement in the school after they have been with you for awhile and have adjusted. I remember my necies and nephews in school and if they were ever evaluated lower they were labeled that way through school and were never given a chance to get rid of that label. One of my brohters(eleven in my family) fought the system and did have the lable removed. I am sure this is probably the same today since it is easier for them to label the child than to do anything. Do you have problems with the school systems at all?
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My appologies for not completely reading all the above posts.
I just wanted to encourage you to check out some books. One specifically being.. Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. I think this will give you some great insight on transition and bonding, and a realistic look at adopting a non-infant. The more you learn about drug exposure and abuses, the better you may feel about your decision.
My dh and I went into the state system to adopt not wanting a child with many issues--if any. We didn't want a hyper-active child, we wanted a child under 2, no drug exposure, or physical limitations...Well, we got a 13 mo. little boy who'd been exposed to meth and cocaine and was hep C positive, as we felt this was the child the Lord may want for us. The more I learned about treatments out there and therapy, and hope for him, the better we felt. He is 100% hep C free--thank you Jesus! Appearently he just carried his bmom's anti-bodies. He is totally healthy and on target (very smart), beautiful, funny. He is very high energy though. He wouldn't be who he is though without these things. The next time around we were much more open to these effects (looking at children case by case of course). Our youngest son was placed at 5 1/2 mo. He was exposed to meth and other drugs throughout the pregnancy. He showed some drug effects but is developing normally now and is sweet and very intelligent. I don't know what the future holds for my boys, but I am glad I was open to whoever the Lord would have us adopt and didn't keep Him in a box. He knew ultimately what would make us stronger and a great family. I wouldn't trade my life with my boys for ANYTHING and am so glad we adopted the way we did. Our oldest has some sensory integration issues, but I am learning so much in working with him. Sorry to ramble. I just want to encourage you to not look negatively at the system's children because the child God has for you, He will give you everything you need to meet thier needs and help you in the process.
My kids were younger, so transitioning them was a bit easier than I've heard with younger children. Again, please look into the Toddler Adoption book. It will give you some helpful ideas. I want to encourage you too, not to look at a special child like you are rescuing them, but that perhaps, in many ways, they will change your life for the better.
Blessings to you with your journey!
Arizona - I, too, felt very dismayed after reading a lot of the books out there. Kept thinking "geez! where's the positive things?" Finally decided to take the information out there as education and plow ahead anyway.
While you can't go through the process thinking "MY child will never be this way or do these things", you might look at it this way..."IF my child were to do these things, could I handle it?" And if your answer to "IF my child were sexually abused and acted out, could I deal with that and get her the help she needs" is "no", then you can be honest with yourself and search for a child whose needs you can support.
Dh and I have 4 wonderful kids and they are not without challenges but nothing we can't support and help them heal through. Overall, our challenges in the beginning were mostly with bonding, food issues, control issues, safety issues,and basic grief/loss issues. It's been a little over 2 years and we've bonded, the food issues are almost non existent, dd has a big control issue but that's not only expected but manageable, and our oldest 2 have had a lot of help in accepting the loss of bmom and dealing with accepting dh and I as their forever family. Was it easy? No, not everyday. And yes, there's some days or periods of time of regression but with each time, the regression is less severe and not as long.
In a lot of ways, you might not read about a family like ours because in comparison to other kids, my kids do not have as many challenges. And yes, the books do want to show all the possible scenarios in order to educate.
As for the school...we still need to advocate for our children and their rights. I think it's gotten better though and there's less "labeling" going on.
There are positives out there! Really!
Crick
crick88
Arizona - I, too, felt very dismayed after reading a lot of the books out there. Kept thinking "geez! where's the positive things?" Finally decided to take the information out there as education and plow ahead anyway.
While you can't go through the process thinking "MY child will never be this way or do these things", you might look at it this way..."IF my child were to do these things, could I handle it?" And if your answer to "IF my child were sexually abused and acted out, could I deal with that and get her the help she needs" is "no", then you can be honest with yourself and search for a child whose needs you can support.
Dh and I have 4 wonderful kids and they are not without challenges but nothing we can't support and help them heal through. Overall, our challenges in the beginning were mostly with bonding, food issues, control issues, safety issues,and basic grief/loss issues. It's been a little over 2 years and we've bonded, the food issues are almost non existent, dd has a big control issue but that's not only expected but manageable, and our oldest 2 have had a lot of help in accepting the loss of bmom and dealing with accepting dh and I as their forever family. Was it easy? No, not everyday. And yes, there's some days or periods of time of regression but with each time, the regression is less severe and not as long.
In a lot of ways, you might not read about a family like ours because in comparison to other kids, my kids do not have as many challenges. And yes, the books do want to show all the possible scenarios in order to educate.
As for the school...we still need to advocate for our children and their rights. I think it's gotten better though and there's less "labeling" going on.
There are positives out there! Really!
Crick
I really want to thank you for this reply. I couldn't believe it was as bad as all the books said. This cleared up a lot of things for me and eleviated a lot of stress and questions.
I can read your reply and many others on this website and be satisifed that it is entirely possible to adopt a sibling group and have a normal family. A normal family is one I define as one of love, acceptance of indivuals but normal conflict so that everyone can learn and grows.
HI, I understand how you feel. We are going through the same situation. We are new to the adoption community and have lots of questions. The only thing I can tell you is to pray to God about your situation. He always seems to know whats best for us, even when we don't.
Good luck, keep me posted on how you are doing. Also, could you refresh my memory on how to post a message. I did one before last week and now I've drawn a blank. Thanks, Judi in Kentucky
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HI, I understand how you feel. We are going through the same situation. We are new to the adoption community and have lots of questions. The only thing I can tell you is to pray to God about your situation. He always seems to know whats best for us, even when we don't.
Good luck, keep me posted on how you are doing. Also, could you refresh my memory on how to post a message. I did one before last week and now I've drawn a blank. Thanks, Judi in Kentucky
Just wanted to jump in and say to educate yourself on sexual abuse before you automatically turn down a placement. I was abused for 13 years, my bro and sis as well, and we are are normal, productive well adjusted adults. I am currently completing my second homestudy to adopt. Sexual abuse is just one aspect of a child's personality. Does it affect me? Yes, every day. But I never "acted out" or attacked anyone or went to jail or whathaveyou.
I just wanted to throw that out there.
Good point, Cubbiegirl. I think I read that less than 20%
of sexual abuse victims become perpatrators. And that a huge percentage (I forget the number, but it was over 1/2) of kids in the system have been abused, by bio-family, foster family, or other kids, and many do not report it. So it would do us all well to prepare ourselves to recognise symptoms and know when to seek therapy, but not be too worried in advance. A history of abuse really IS only one facet of a child's personality.
cubbiegirl
Just wanted to jump in and say to educate yourself on sexual abuse before you automatically turn down a placement. I was abused for 13 years, my bro and sis as well, and we are are normal, productive well adjusted adults. I am currently completing my second homestudy to adopt. Sexual abuse is just one aspect of a child's personality. Does it affect me? Yes, every day. But I never "acted out" or attacked anyone or went to jail or whathaveyou.
I just wanted to throw that out there.
I want to add my real life knowledge of this, as well. I come from a very large family and many of my sisters and necies have been sexually abused. Not by a family member but in most cases by neighbors or baby sitters. My sister was raped by my our sisters in laws brother(she never told anyone but us many years later). It is true that they didn't attach anyone else, but some like my sister is very reserved and causes pain even today but she married and had children. My neices are all grown today and have normal lives, as well. I do know that at least one of them tried to get her brother to touch her the way the molester did but he talked to her. She never did it again. So you are right and it always confused me when I read about having to keep the children from others. But then again they were not molested everyday for their entire lives by their mother or father(the abuse for my neices went on for months, however until they said anything beause they hid when the molester came by or acted out somehow. I will never understand why the courts said let it go it will be better for the child. With no criminal record for these abuser they can go forth and do it agian. But this was 20 years ago and things were different then)
But once again they are normal adults, they were normal teens, and normal children. Someone does have to listen to them when they need to talk about it and let them know it wasn't anything they did wrong. The scars are there but they are normal loving people.
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Another thing to keep in mind with adopting form our own foster system is Adoption Support. If problems surface later on the adoption support can be renogiated. I have a friend that adopted a four year old girl. She had just the basic Adoption Support. Two years later her daughter was diagnosed as bi-polar. Her disabilities are pretty severe, and my friend cannot hold a full time job because she never knows when she will have to drop everything to go handle a crisis. When she went before the courts they upped he adoption support significantly.
We had a foster daughter who had been sexually abused, we have an adopted daughter who had been sexually abused (severely), and the two girls we are in the process of transitioning into our home have also probably been sexually abused. We haven't had any acting out with any of them. We have "rules" at our house regarding no closed bedroom doors and only one person in the bathroom at a time. We have talks about good and bad touching. The girls have also had counseling and therapy. I think this is something that they can overcome and they won't do to others.