Pregnant,Confused and Lost

I have some questions for you, or maybe some things for you to think about. You say you have this boyfriend (the father of your baby inutero). I question when you state, " I don't want him adopting her either because he is unstable too". First of all, I don't think you can place your baby for adoption if he is not willing. He is still the dad with rights. Along the line of that question, I wonder, if he's so unstable and will leave you if you try to place your baby, why are you with this guy anyway? You don't need to answer that, I just wanted you to think about it. I am glad you want to give this baby the best life possible. Perhaps sitting with your boyfriend and asking him in a calm, caring way, how you can give the baby the best life possible. A man who is in your words, "unstable" and willing to leave with the baby, does this seem like the kind of guy you want to end up with?? Sorry to sound like a mother to you. I just really want you to think about yourself and your other children as well. Take care.

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Hi there Maya~ I am very sorry you are in such a difficult position. You clearly are trying to do what you feel is best for your baby. I think you have correct information. Adoption laws/rules do vary state-by-state, but I think if you give your daughter to the state (any state) then he would be able to choose to parent. The only option I see is for you to try to educate him more on the benefits of adoption. If you can get him to agree to an adoption plan, then you can pick out the adoptive parents together. Would he talk to an adoption counselor? Would he read a book about adoption or look at articles on the internet? Also, does he have a realistic view of parenting? Can you talk to him about your responsibilities of being a parent 24-7 and how challenging it is? Do you know of any teen fathers who would talk to him about what it's like. Maybe if you keep sharing with him the dreams you have for your daughter, he will see adoption as giving her a gift. A gift of stable, mature parents and the gift of opportunities in life that you want for her. Ultimately, though, he has as many rights as you to be a parent to her, so if he doesn't come around to your view, will you parent her? Oh, Maya, this is such a difficult situation. Good luck and keep posting here. Maybe someone will have other ideas. I'm thinking of you, Nina

This is from the Adoption.com's site on "Who Must Consent" [/list]What's that mean? The birthfather must consent. Stable or not, he has a right to that child. It is now your duty to either convince him that adoption is right for your child or make plans for parenting. Best of luck. [url="http://laws.adoption.com/statutes/consent-to-adoption.html"]http://laws.adoption.com/statutes/consent-to-adoption.html[/url]

Remember that "open adoption" isn't a sure thing, millions of girls have open adoption but still recieve no letter, photos, or visists. I feel that if your boyfriend wants the baby he has a right to parent, he is the natural father.

Hi Maya, I know how it is to want to place your child and have a birthfather you beleive is unfit. First are you going through an agency or the state. I went through an agency and they told me to give me every ounce of anything I thought would make him unfit. So I did and they said that he was unfit and would take his rights away cause the state can do that if it is in the interest of the child. Like if he cant hold a job or a place o stay or he has anger problems with controlling his temper things like that. Needless to say my sons bfather signed the papers but when he first said he would not they were going to do their best not to let him have my son and I dont think the state will give a child to an unfit father anyway so if he truely is unfit dont worry! What I did when all my stuff with my ex happend I gave it all to God. God wont let anything happen to your baby when you place that baby in Gods hands. So pray and see what God wants you to do. Have hope cause if he is unfit he wont get him

I am going to assume that he is about your age? And he wants his child? He is excited about being a family? What makes him unstable? That he is young and living a young life? Any chance that, if given the responsiblity of caring and loving his child he can rise to the occassion and be a good dad? Really, unless he is a threat to the child's well being...and that does not mean that his apartment is ugly or he doesn't wash his socks often...it means that he would hurt his child..then he deserves and has the right to be a dad. Yes..an agency has ways of getting around a reluctant dad. Thay can strong arm him and threaten him and make him feel worthless, but it is not right. It is not right to browbeat someone into doing something that they don't want to do. And you know what...eventually..it feels really lousy to know that you took part in it. You might not be willing to raise this child, but if he is..and he is able to speak realistically of a plan, able to be motivated and driven to be the best dad that he can..then he should be allowed to exercise his right to parent. I'm sorry but I just don't feel his desires regarding his child can be dismissed so easily. You can't play God.

Maya ~ I agree that, as a biological father, he has rights and should be allowed to explore his options. Look at it this way...you are still very young, yet you are raising 3 small children (I assume, since you didn't say otherwise). Obviously, you are providing for them. How would you have felt if you were denied the option to make choices and parent your children...perhaps based on your age, socioeconomic level, education, etc. It would not have any different than you wanting to deprive him of his choice. Nina24, IMO, has some good suggestions. Maybe if you talk to him about why you are leaning toward adoption, get some joint counseling, at least he will see where you are coming from. But it needs to be HIS choice, as well...legally and ethically. faith2005 ~ I am glad I don't know the agency you used, as I would launch a campaign to stop their strongarm tactics. That kind of behavior is totally (IMO) unethical. It never occurred to you that perhaps that agency had more vision of $$$$ than anything else? Some of these agencies are placing babies under shady circumstances only to have long, drawn out court battles and a displaced baby caught in the middle with hurt and anger on all sides of the triad. I am sorry you were told to blast the birthfather. This is not any type of judgement call on you, just the practices that are sometimes used. I don't know your story, and I certainly don't know the character of the biofather, but it just saddens me to hear things like this. Maya ~ Whatever decision you are able to reach, I hope that you will do it with honesty and integrity. Do all you can to respect the situation for all involved, especially your child, and remember that half of the genetic make-up came from the biofather. Just my opinion. ~Deb

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Hi Maya, I am another Maia :D I agree with the last two posters... this man is this child's father. As such, he has the right to help choose her future. You might feel anger with him, or what not but really, that is not the basis to decide a person is unfit. The consequences of your choice of man is that he is whom you deal with... I could want that my children have some great dad who takes care of them always... but instead I must deal with reality. Frankly, I'm kinda with him on the idea that if you relinquish your rights, he'd take the child and leave you. Not everyone would want to stay in that situation. But really, I just think its angry you talking to angry him... I don't see a good end coming at this rate. I understand it's nerve-wracking to be pregnant, caring for young children, don't know what to do... I've done that. But I believe he would make a great life for this baby if given the chance. There had to be some bright spark of wonderfulness for you to choose to be with him once, can you find that again and see it in a parenting light? Can you sit down and talk, as adults - without the hurt and anger - and work on what will happen. It's something to consider. And finally, if you do manage to terminate this man's rights in an illegal maneuver, perhaps in an unregulated adoption, how will you explain to the child as an adult that you denied her HER right to know, love and grow up with her Father? Good luck though. Consider your choices carefully. Maia

First let me explain something to all of you my sons birthfather was abusive He tried to kill me when I was 6 months pregant with his son so I hope you dont still think that the agency was wrong for what they did. I agree that if the birthfather is fit then he should have him, but like I said before and I guess you did not understand my, If the father is a potianal threat to the child he should not have that child and the state should not allow hin to have that child. By all means if he the father is Fit he has every right to the child. I am sorry that you all misunderstood what I was saying. In my cause the agency would have taken him to court cause he was abusive tried to kill me and has neglected to take care of his first child for 2 years. So would you let him have a child

Well, she has a mother and father. He father sounds like he would like to provide for her..and with the steady job, home, car and a great willingness to forgo his own needs. Sounds like you already have the great dad part covered. I can understand that you have your hands full with three other children under 3, but I beg you to read some of the stories for adoptees who speak of what being separated from their natural families felt like. Yes, some are happy, but some are not..and no matter what nobody really knows yet how to ensure that every child grows up feeling happy and not rejected from their adoption. And with the truth being that her father wanted to keep her, but you didn't? It's the willing mother part that is lacking and that is the area that you really have control over. And yes, I will say it..it is selfish. What if you let him take her? Give him primary custody, but still retained your maternal rights. Let him raise her as he wants too and did visitation like an open adoption. As time went on, you might want to see her more, life might get easier for you and you might want to still have your daughter in your life. Worse case senerio, he does poorly, he bales out ( though it doesn't sound like it) and you would always have CPS to fall back on. But at least it gives them a chance to be together and you are not totally giving up all rights to your daughter either.And your kids could know each other. And in time, he might find a great woman who would be willing to be the kind of mother that he would like for his daughter. At least she has her natural father. It's more like a divorce when dad gets primary or sole custody. Go to laywers, make it legal. Have contingencies for reevlauation of a plan. That's fair and doing something that meets what you all want.

Maya, it sounds as though you have a full plate. My name is Angie! My son was born this summer. He was placed for adoption with a wonderful couple. I get emails a few times a week and just had a visit about three weeks ago. I hope everything works out with you and your boyfriend. Please email me if you ever need to talk. I am good with venting! ;) Best of Luck!

Girl two words birth control. Its not fair to your boyfriend who wants to be a father to try to take that away from him just like you have choices so does he. He can choose to adopt that baby and be a father no one can say what kind of father he will be until he has the chance to be one. It sounds like he wants to be resonible for his actions and I comend him for that. Do you realize how many men leave thier young girlfriends because thier pregnant? All he wants is a family and there is nothing wrong with that maybe after you have this child you should think about a way to stop getting pregnant. I don't want to hurt your feelings but the reality is there are people worse off than you. And afterall this is something you could have prevented if you really wanted to. You have three children at 17 that in itself is a shame you barely had a life before you were raising a life. You know how your getting pregnant so take measures and use protection next time. But as for this time if the father is willing to be a parent then he has that right you may be carring the child but he helped give her life. GOOD LUCK IN WHATEVER YOU DO, Palicia