Need advice!

Snuffie ~ Tough call! There are so many "what ifs"... I have trouble with open-ended things...I'd write once more, just to let her know the door is open and then leave it alone. Maybe go get a friendly-type card..."Thinking of You," or something light. Write a little note saying that you are available and welcome contact, but if she has chosen to back off, then you will respect that. I'm sorry that you are having to go through the rejection, and now it seems complicated by the fact that you are in limbo. That bites. Wishing you the best! ~Deb

Wow.....well I know we all hate to hear stories of that nature. However, it is common. I agree with the first post. Send a letter, letting them know that your door is always open for contact. Explain to them that you understand why they feel like NOT having contact with you. Also, explain to them that there will be no hard feelings, if they do infact decide never to have any further contact with you. Don't get discouraged with this. Put yourself in their shoes. I am not saying that you would have reacted like this, but I am sure that this came as a REAL shock to them. You have done all that you can do. And I commend you for not stooping to their level of immaturity....Well, thats not the right word.......not stooping to thier willingness to be hurtful. God Bless, Julie

Snuffy, Sorry to hear about what you are going through! You've helped me alot in the past. I'm dealing with my half brother not wanting contact with me as well and I know how rough it is. Might try writing a short note and let her know how sad you are but that you understand and will respect her wishes. Man this sucks we work so hard to find them and then they don't want contact. I mailed off a copy of my non-id info to my half brother today with a note that just said "thought you might want to see this". Now I've got to let go! Hang in there.

Thank you so much for your replies and encouragement! It really helps! I did get a Christmas card from the nice cousin. It arrived after Christmas. It didn't have a note or anything on it so I'm guessing that she knows about the letter her sister sent me and maybe is a little afraid of how I would react. I wrote a "hi how are you" letter to her yesterday with some pictures of my dog. (She's the most photogenic one in the family.) And I didn't mention the letter from her sister at all. So hopefully I will hear from her again. Newlyorphaned I hope that after your half brother reads your non id he will "come around." Sometimes it just takes time I guess and it is so hard to keep from thinking it is us they are rejecting. But most of the time it is something in themselves they are having difficulty dealing with. (I have to keep reminding myself of this!) Julie I agree that we are a "shock." And some people have an easier time of it than others dealing with something that upsets their perception of what their life is. Newlyorphaned please keep me posted on how things are going. I'll be thinking of you. It is so nice to have people who are going through the same things you are and who are willing to reach out with kindness!

I had to smile when I read that you received a card from your "nice" cousin!! :D You might recall that I have a birthcousin who is the only member of my birthfamily who has consented to contact of any kind, and while it's been somewhat "stilted" over the last couple of years, she has been my only life-line, for which I am eternally thankful. I've come to understand the tough position she's in. When my birthmom denied contact, thru a state-appointed intermediary, I set out to find her on my own -- just to know where she was. I was resolved to accept and respect her wishes, but I just felt that knowing who and were she was, was important enough to me to pursue. When I finally did locate her, I also located the most enormous shock of my life -- the fact that I knew my birthmom's sister (my aunt) and her daughter, Shannon (my cousin). I went to school with Shannon all my life!!! When I wrote to my aunt, she, too, felt it necessary to deny contact with me out of respect for her sister, but she decided to share the "big family secret" with Shannon, since we knew one another. Our conversations, e-mails and visits were strained. It was helpful that we knew one another, but it never quite felt "right" between us -- and she made it clear, up front, that there were things she wasn't "allowed" to share with me. She never answers the "tough" questions, and when she does, on occasion, she tells me things that are in direct contradiction to things she shared with me before. I often walk away feeling confused about what the "reality" is in what she's shared and less than fulfilled by what she offers. It took me a long time to really see how hard this is for her. She isn't allowed to share any of this with anyone[/B]....except her husband. She knows her aunt is dead set against anyone even knowing about me, let alone having a relationship with me. Her daughter is the same age as one of my birthsister's sons, and she can't even talk about me in her own home, for fear her daughter might overhear and let the "cat out of the bag" to my sister's son. At family gatherings, she says she feels tremendous guilt instead of enjoying her time with her family. She constantly has to watch what she says......not just with me, but also with her family. In short, because she was kind enough to reach out to me, when no one else would, her entire world has been turned upside down.

It's a difficult situation for her....she wants to help me -- to answer my questions and to provide me with the sense of belonging that I seek -- but at the same time, she is sacrificing her own comfort within a family she's been a part of for almost 40 years......the same family I haven't been a part of for 40 years. She's torn between two worlds....between an alliance she's had for an entire lifetime, and an alliance she feels she needs to form for herself and for me.

I've been more respectful of that in the last several months. I've stopped asking so many questions (even tho she is the only one who can help me find the answers) and have just tried to stay in touch on a more "old friend from school" basis. I mail her once a month or so and just chat it up about everyday things....and she responds to that. It seems that removing the probing questions and requests for information has relaxed Shannon in a way, and no one could have been more surprised than I, when I came home from shopping one day, right before Christmas, and my husband greeted me with, "guess who was here while you were gone?" Apparently, he was out working in the barn when he heard a tapping at the door. He opened it, and he said there was a woman standing there that he didn't know, holding a gift bag. She extended her hand and said, "Hi, I'm Sally's cousin, Shannon!" :eek: She came by to drop off a gift for me!!! :eek: I could hardly even fathom that she had gotten me a gift....let alone that she had come all the way over here, unannounced, to deliver it! :eek: I think it was the best surprise I've ever gotten!! :)

I guess, in short, my best advice to you, with regard to your "nice" cousin is to do just what you did. Keep the lines of communication open with short, simple cards or notes. Sending the dogs picture was wonderful.....it's non-threatening and it's something you can share that doesn't have any other motive than just what it is -- you sharing something precious about your life that isn't related to adoption or family or any "issues" that cause feelings that might become uncomfortable.

If you can be patient, and build a relationship with her based on who you both are today, rather than where you came from in relation to her family, I think, in the end, you will find what you are looking for.

It's hard.....so hard that sometimes it makes you crazy......but I think it's the best way to go about things, at least from my own experience!

Keep us posted, okay????

Hugs,

Sally