hard times

First....(((HUGS))) I know the pain that you are feeling. I placed my son on 12/16 and I'm just now starting to feel the turmoil of emotions that come with placing a child. I can only imagine how I will be feeling 3 years from now... Do you have support from family and friends? Were you able to attend counseling after you placed? If not, I suggest that maybe you find a good counselor that might be able to help you work through things. Also, you said that you haven't seen your daughter for two years but do you receive updates? Was this supposed to be an open adoption? My heart goes out to you :( . I'm finally realizing what a painful process this truly is. Something that I have to keep in mind is what would my son do if he knew some of the thoughts I've been having lately (pertaining to depression, suicide, etc). I think that if my son knew that the adoption was causing me such pain that he would feel....responsible(?) in a way for it. And I know that I would NEVER want him to feel that. You see, I placed my son so that we could BOTH have a better future (my son's welfare was #1). What would my son think if I just let that chance go to waste? I think my son would want me to go on and live a very full and happy life. These are just my thoughts. Coming here has also brought such relief. Knowing that their are others who really understand my pain and heartache in a way that no best friend or family memeber can. We are all here to listen and support you. Don't ever feel bad for venting here to us. We all need each other's support. Please seek out a support system if you don't already have one in place. Vanda

My heart goes out to you...I know this must be a really hard time for you, being so soon after your placement... My situation was supposed to be an open adoption....They had told me that they would see me whenever I wanted and they would send tons of cards & letters...But they send all the cards and letters to my mother, not to me...I never bothered them..I would only send a card on Christmas and other special days..But would never call or anything like that....But then when I wrote and asked to see her last summer they just seemed to give me excuses..Thats ok, I guess..I just wish they would tell me that they don't feel comfortable seeing me or whatever..I guess it would be easier on me that way then keep me guessing and worrying over here. I guess it's all this worrying that I am doing that is making me so depressed...I am so scared that I will never see her again..And she is only lives like 2 hours from me. I did go to counseling right after I had her...But that only lasted for like 2 months..Because the adoption agency/adoptive parents only paid for a certain amount of sessions..And the only counselor I could find that dealt with adoption was over an hour away fro where I lived...So is stopped going...

You can add my hug to Vanda's. I too am a birthmom who places 27 years ago. I went through major depression after I placed her, did everything I could to relieve the pain-drugs, drinking, thoughts of suicide-all because I had no one to talk to. Counseling was never an option. It wasn't until she was 13 years old that I saw an ad in the paper for a birthmom support group. I didn't realize they existed. I thought there weren't that many birthmothers around. Boy was I wrong. The first meeting I went to there were about 30 women, some birthmothers and some birth grandmothers. The first time I spoke all I could do was cry, but it was a cleansing cry, From that day on was my healing process, I was able to grieve for my daughter, talk about her without feeling ashamed or guilty, and as my healing progressed I started working with other birthmothers who were struggling with their grief. Then from there I started speaking at high schools and middle schools about adoption. I guess what I am getting at is get help as soon as you can. I would never want anyone to go through the needless self destruction that I did. If only someone was there to reach out to me. Don't wait for your case worker to contact you. If you don't have a good relationship with he/she, call another agency and see if they have a support group for birthmothers. You will be surprised the great friendships that come out of these groups. I still have close relationships today with many of the women in the group. I'm not saying the counseling will take away the pain, it just helps you to deal with it in a healthier way and will help you get back on track. You can not lose focus on what you have put into schooling. It was once your goal and it can be again. Don't give up. You have too much to offer people. I always say God works in mysterious ways, and I would never had imagined after placing a baby at 17 years old I would be speaking to large groups of people about my experience and helping others. Take care and God Bless. Teresa

Teresa, I want to do EXACTLY what you are doing. I also want to be able to take my pain and grief and use it for some good. Eventually I would like to be able to talk at schools too. I haven't been able to find a support group in my area yet and have been thinking about starting one myself. I just am not sure where to start :confused: . I want to help others that have been in my situation. Of course I should probably wait a few months before I do all of this since I just placed a few weeks ago and am not in a very "happy place" right now :( . jw96ss, I'm glad that you are at least still getting some pics and letters, even if they are going to your parents and not you. Do your parents see or talk to the aparents at all? It sounds like you wanted to give them lots of time and space but maybe they took that as you were having a hard time and wanted to minimize contact. They might send those letters to your parents because they want to respect your feelings and your grief. I'm a big fan of honesty and communication. Perhaps you could write a letter explaining how you are feeling and what you are hoping for and see how they respond? I wasn't sure if I should suggest that or not because I don't know if they would be 'scared off' or something but it sounds like you don't have much to lose since you don't get to see her now anyway. Have you looked for support groups in the area? I'm so dissapointed that I haven't found anything yet because as Teresa mentioned, I think that you would be able to find strong solid friendships that could last a lifetime...and these people would actually be able to say..."I understand". *sigh*....I understand your pain :( Vanda

VKH- If you are serious about starting a support group, I could put you in touch with the person who runs the agency I worked with (not the adoption). You might be surprised how many birthparents are out there that are looking for the same thing as you. I do understand you are not ready now, but don't wait too long. Teresa

Teresa, I would LOVE that! I posted on a local website and have found two bmoms that are interested. I still need to call my agency and see if my counselor knows of bmoms that would like to join. If you could pm me any information that you can think of that might be useful to me I'd sure appreciate it. :) Vanda

Vanda-email me at tgifvt@verizon.net and we can talk about it more. I'm so glad you found a couple birthmoms who want help too. Sometimes it's easier to start out small, then the word will get around. We had speakers come in, etc. We'll talk later. Teresa

jw96ss....how are you doing? Just wanted to say *hi* and send some (((hugs))). Hope that you are doing okay. I haven't seen you post recently so wanted to make sure that you are doing okay (whatever that means these days). Sincerely, Vanda

I can absolutely relate with that feeling of being aged and almost thinking that its all permanent damage. But you can find a way to get going again. I focus on the future. She can come looking for you one day and it would be so sad if your life was wasted away instead of being something amazing that she can be proud of. And if not for her, but also for yourself, make sure that you're not letting your life choices be too compromised by your current situation so that it doesn't get the opportunity to hold you down forever. I don't mean stop caring or stop crying or just fake that you're not a mess at the moment. That stuff is all real and its part of the process right? But its not worth losing out forever and re-evaluating yourself years down the road and still feeling like you're in the same spot. I did that quite a bit but 2004 was my year for changing all of that. (My daughter was adopted at nearly 1yo and she is now 7.5yo). I'm back in school and I have LOTS of things in my life that I can't fix until I've got the career and financial stability.. but its all in the plan. :) The other thing you'd said about not being a nurse anymore and changing your major... I must say that they really need people in those positions who actually have a heart and have been through things so they can be less discriminatory (in my opinion). Of course, building back up your emotional stability is crucial, but still nursing is all about empathy and heart so the more you've survived the better you can help others. My sis is now a neonatal icu nurse. She took all of her painful experiences and channeled them into a strength and it gives her that drive and dedication necessary to treat those babies. No matter what you do, you'll know what is right eventually and you'll find a path. Its in you somewhere.... now all you have to do is work on finding it ;) GOOD LUCK! -- Janet

I totally understand what you are going through right now. I recently had my daughter on 1/5/05. I was forced to place her for adoption to my sister. I never wanted to go through with it, so now I am trying to get her back. If it werent for the people on this site, I would be curled up in a ball on my bed crying over her. I still cry for her every day, but I know that one day soon, I will be with her. I am going to a therapist, it helps sometimes, but other times I feel as if she made things worse. Just to let you know, you are not alone. You have me, and all the other members here for you. Just let us know what you need and we will be there for you. These times are rough, I know, but we will get through them together. Diana

Diana, I am very sorry about what happened with your daughter. In this day and age it still shocks me that women are "forced" to place their children. I don't know all of the circumstances, but I will say a prayer for you and ask that God do what is best for the well being of your daughter. It may take a while for prayers to be answered, and we need to be patient. Keep writing, we are all here to support you. Teresa