Adoptees who don't want to be found

I had more info for her , because I ended up adopting a friend's cousin's baby. We didn't realize that until afterwards. It was a strange thing. and I do understand the need to find out where one comes from. and the need to also to want to look at a birth"mother" to ask why she did what she did. It was the constant telling of the 2 to each other on facebook that they love each other right away before she even ever went to meet her. Every one was wondering about that part , even her friends. And they even told her why are you telling that stranger you love her? That is disrespectful to your mother. Your mother is the one that raised you. When I asked my daughter she said : I only said it because I though it was expected of me. I notice that what ever the bm says on fb, my daughter says the same back. there is a little more to our story, since I found out some things about the bm that made me angry from the beginning. I don't like when people are not thruthful. I am trying very hard though to let go and let my daughter do what ever it is she wants. but it isn't easy.

If your daughter told you that then perhaps you can keep that in mind when you see that interaction occur -- she is doing it because she thinks it's expected. I am guessing that your daughter may feel very caught in the middle in this situation and is not wanting to upset either of you. She might also not feel secure enough in the newer relationship she has with her first-mother to say anything if she is not comfortable with the language they use with each other. Mirroring back what someone else says is a natural thing some people instinctively do when they are trying to build a relationship from scratch. If she is feeling more secure and comfortable with the relationship she has with you then I suspect she might be more open with you about how she's feeling. If she disagrees with you on something, you might take that as a sign that she's comfortable enough with you to say so. As far as her friends saying that she shouldn't call her first mother "mother"... this is a difficult topic all the way around and different adoptees feel different ways about it. I think she needs to be given the chance to define these terms for herself, and she may need to try different approaches before figuring out what she's comfortable with. Her non-adopted friends will likely not understand, but plenty of adoptees feel that the person who gave birth to them is also their "mother" even if her relationship and role in their life is different than the "mother" they have known growing up, the "mother" who raised them. You indicate from your other posts that you also have a son.When you tell your son that you love him, does that diminish the love you feel for your daughter? Or vice-versa? Others have made the point on here before that if someone can feel love for more than one child, why can't adoptees feel love for more than one mother? Having new contact with a person in one's life does not diminish the bonds one already has with other people. It's certainly understandable to be upset and angry when someone lies to you. It may help to try to keep this issue separate from what is happening with your daughter as much as possible, unless it's directly relevant (such as if she's lying to your daughter).I can imagine that it's not. Adoption as a whole isn't really easy for anyone, I think.

Yep, adoptees and b-families are strangers, but we are related strangers. Of course, many people find the reunion dynamic between adoptees and b-families to be odd. It is odd. It is a rarity for children to not grow up with their biological families. I have two mothers and two fathers. Each one of them contributed to who I have become as a person. I don't love my adoptive family any less now that I have found my b-family. I certainly do not think it is disrespectful to love the woman who created me, gave birth to me, and grieved over the loss of me. It isn't a b-mom versus a-mom contest. I can love both of them.

Sadmommy - perhaps you need to remove yourself from facebook. Regardless of what her friends are saying to her - you are the one who is supposed to be educated about the need many adoptees have to reconnect, and have had a long time to get ready if that day ever happened. I would suggest that you not make your daughter have to answer deeply personal questions in the midst of an already overwhelming time in her life. And hopefully you didn't come across as angry as I would be concerned that you pushing her to prove her loyalty to you after all these years - right now - may back-fire on you. You have had multiple adoptees tell you that their reunion did not change their feelings for their parents. I do think that it would be interesting to know how their parents handled the reunion, and what affect their reactions had on the adoptees feelings. Did they have parents who were upset and perhaps inserting themselves, or did they have parents who accepted it. I get that it is scary but really - have a little faith that a relationship over so many years, that I am assuming is good, can stand one of them getting to know another person who loves them too. Kind regards,Dickons

What strikes me the most about your postings are the use of quotation marks when describing "your" daughter's first mother. Does your daughter use the finger quotes motion when she introduces you as her adoptive "mom".You may also want to check your paperwork to determine if you adopted a minor child or an adult. "Your" daughter has become an adult and can now make the choices that she wants to in her life. If that is the willingness to search and establish a relationship with her natural mother, that is her choice. We relinquished children, not adults and future grandchildren. There are no restraining orders attached to the adoption papers that state that no contact shall ever be made. Adoptees do not remain children, they grow into adults that can then make their own decisions.When "your" daughter gets married, are you going to be hurt if she loves her mother-in-law? It appears to me "your" daughter is much more grounded in the roles of those individuals around her than you are. I would think about educating myself if I were you. There are many wise women on these boards that are MOTHERS and MOMS who relinquished their children. A gift that scarred many of us. A gift that we were told we were selfless in giving. Now it is your turn to act selfless. Do that for "your" daughter.

In my case:My a-parents were both supportive when I searched... They told me everything they knew about my first mom (which was hardly anything) and how to contact the adoption agency to try to find out more. I shared with them what was happening as I went through the process.I didn't find out until after the fact that my a-mom felt very anxious as I contacted my n-mom for the first time and my a-dad got very anxious when I contacted my n-dad. I felt sad hearing about their anxiety.My a-parents have told me more than once that they'd like to meet my natural mother and thank her. This idea makes ME anxious and so it has not happened. I have felt stuck in the middle of three families (n-mother's and n-father's families are not in contact, either) and although I really like them all, that can be an uncomfortable place to be. At times I fantasize that it might be best to just disappear so I'm no longer in the position of being the one link these families have to each other.

I agree, it's a very uncomfortable place to be. And due to it, I disappear frequently from all three families! It really is much more peaceful just being concerned with MY own family now (my husband and kids) And that is all I plan to be concerned with for Thanksgiving :) Looking for a place now to hide,,, errr vacation for Christmas!

My parents tried to handle it some. At least they tried to hide their anxiety from me some. I knew before I told them I had found my other families that they wouldn't take it very well, and they didn't, but I am thankful they have tried some. 10 years into reunion my Mom still winces when she says "your mother" while she's talking about my other mother . Like, "Is your mother cooking Tday dinner?" or "Did you send your mother a christmas card." or "did your mother send your kids anything for their birthdays, and what was it and how much did it cost and what did you send her........":rolleyes: I get it. I've always found it a bit funny tho, the wince, the jealousy, anxiety, whatever it is. Funny, because I can forgive her for behavior that she obviously cannot control. I can't help but LOL (with love) about it right now. I can tell you that if she were to say "your mother" and put quotes around mother in writing, or used her fingers to make the quotes around mother while talking - I wouldn't stick around long at all, and wouldn't be too worried about coming back for a visit. And if I did stick around, she wouldn't like what I had to say, or how I'd choose to say it. I'd do the same with any of my mothers. If I did catch her venting on an amom forum with quotes around my mother - I'd be happy she was venting and learning(hopefully), and would probably die giggling at her silly and uncalled for freak out. I can't imagine that uncomfortableness is as severe as being stuck in the middle of a mountain of guilt from every direction. I dunno which is worse feeling stuck in the unfair middle with no way out, or feeling left out? Not that it matters, I imagine they both suck pretty bad, nobody's having much fun with it I'm sure. I was raised to respect my mother and father, no matter how many. And the rule isn't at all specific about which mother I should respect, or if there is some kind of limit on mothers. So to be safe I am going with all of them. I'd insist all of my mothers should respect each of my mothers. I love all of my mothers like I love all of my children, for who they are to me, for what they have given me, for what I can give them. Yes, have a little faith, it all really can work out just fine. 10 years after my reunion with my original families, which went well, I have never been closer to my Mom and Dad, no where near it. It's a wonderful thing to be past all of that anxiety of reunion ruining our adopted relationships. For us it didn't ruin anything that was true. In fact it improved our relationships beyond measure, in amazing ways that I never expected.

My a-father died prior to my reunion with my b-family. I really have no idea how he would have handled it. I think he would have kept silent about his thoughts on it. My a-mother is not pro-reunion. She has known since I was a young girl that I wanted to search, yet she has selective amnesia on that topic, so she was always surprised every time I brought up the topic. I didn't tell her that I requested my OBC. I didn't tell her that I found either of my b-parents. Over the years, my a-mother has mentioned how difficult it was for her and my father when they found out that they couldn't conceive biological children. She has said that it was one of the most difficult periods in her life. . . . Okay, I got it. I understood. So, exactly why is it so difficult for a-parents to understand our need to find our biological connections? I think it might be precisely because they know how difficult it was when they couldn't meet their own b-children and how much it would mean to them to meet them. . . . It's just a thought. To Sadmommy100, I want you to know that I, too, opened Pandora's box. My b-father is a very troubled man. But, I needed to know about my origins. Does the truth pinch? Yes, but I have a tendency to want to know the truth at all costs. . . . I may never be able to meet him in person. I am still trying to assess his level of stability. However, I have talked with him on the phone, and he has been very good to me. Even if he and I never had another conversation, I would feel good about the fact that I was able to connect with him for even a short period of time.

L4R, my b-father is now deceased and I did meet him once, unexpectedly. Except for that, I could have written almost exactly what you did here.

Sitta, I'm sorry that you lost your b-father. I hope that you got some of what you needed from meeting with him. I know that just the two phone discussions that I have had with my b-father have helped to clarify some things for me. I hope you talk with your b-father did the same for you.

L4R, I'm glad your phone conversations with your n-father were helpful to you. I hope future contact (if you want it) improves. I was helped more by phone and snail-mail contact with my n-father than I was by the in-person meeting. Meeting others on his side of the family was also very helpful.

Thank you for what you said!

L4R I am glad you got that chance.

The family that rqaised me were very good to me and there was no time to even think about finding contact with my biological family though there was always an urge to spend time with my bilogical family on any given day eventhough there was a bit of anger for being away from them spending most of the adult years guessing on where abouts of them in my early twentys though there was contact with my biological father and a strong wanting of spending more time with him instead of my adopive parents and it seem to build a walll betweeen the two of us from that point on from my biological father fro saying it was not ok to see him and there is the wondering mind of finding a location of my mother which has been gone since my early years as a child when she decided do ditch us of to a neighbor and take offf so I don't want to have any contact with this person ever for being so inconsiderable to another persons feelings leaving a lot of answers not answered