Birthmother contacted me at my home!

I would contact the agency first off. Depending on their reply I would write a letter back to the birthmom telling her that all correspondence needs to be done through the agency. If you are not wanting visits at this time be upfront and tell her. If you are willing tell her that the two of you can start very slowly through letters to build a relationship and trust.

I agree contact the agency and go through them or through a PO box. Explain (if you do write a letter) that things need to start slowly and that visits are not possible right now. You know why he was placed in foster care and what role his birth mother played in that. That has to play into the decision.

I would not listen to what your extended family or friends have to say. Because most likely they will be scared and tell you what they are already telling you "don't do it" they would say "get on with your life and family and let the birthmom get on with hers". The truth is, she is trying to get on with her life and contacting you is one way she is doing it. She is feeling the need to check on him, make sure he is ok and to let him know that she is always there if she ever needs him. That doesn't mean that she want's to diminish your role as mother....she just wants to also be known...as someone important in his life....someone he will one day be very interested in searching out and meeting. You will always be his mother...you've had him since he was so young, you've guided him through life...but he will want to know the person who actually gave him life and where he came from. If you have contact with her all along...your son will have answers to his questions as he gets older and will know that two woman loved him very much....even though one was not in a position to raise him. Talk with your husband and do what you feel is right for your child in your heart. maybe the situation that brought him into fostercare....is reason enough to be guarded and want things more closed. She already knows your address....that can be a very scary thing...when you weren't expecting it or wanting that kind of info to be let out. If you are serious of only going through the agency then I would make it clear to her that you don't mind letters and pictures every now and then....but that by writing you directly she was overstepping the boundaries and that it makes you uncomfortable. My guess is that she found out by some slip up and had only good intentions and would have never wanted to scare you...or put you in an awkward situation. Working through DHS is very diffcult at times....I've been trying to get contact with my adoptive sons grandparents(who were interested in contact with him after the adoption) for over a year now. The social worker keeps saying...she has a ton of files to go through and she will get to it as soon as possible. My belief is that she never intended to let them have contact...and have just been leading us on. Your bmom might have had a similiar problem with the agency...and decided to contact you directly instead. In the end it really is up to you to decide what contact your child is ready for and waht kind of contact your family is ready for....because it can be very emotional on all of you...with very conflicting feelings.

There are several good threads on this board right now. One called "Why do I think of her" started by Jamie, the other is called "Openness after Foster Care". You might like to read both of them as they are both very interesting and deal with this exact situation. Just so you know - we did estebalish contact with our boys birthmom (we adopted them at ages 3 and 4) and now, as the kids age, we have found this relationship to be very positive and a good addition to our lives. Jen

Why does she want to know clothing sizes? That is kinda strange...I would say definitely to contact your agency and have them work with you on this. Maybe a positive relationship could come out of this, but you will never know if you do nothing. On the other hand, if there is more behind her trying to contact you, you need help only professionals can give to you.

It's not so strange to wonder what a child's sizes are/ likes/ dislikes if one is trying to decide on a gift. Anyway, that was my initial take on it :) Maia PS - Personally, I prefer the lack of a 'middle-man' (and openness) so that is 'normal' to me. Good luck :)

I think I would be pretty paranoid too if our dd's birthmother contacted us directly, but I would just recommend that you put yourself in her position for a minute. Our dd's birthmother has made a lot of mistakes, but I can't imagine that she doesn't hurt terribly through all of this. I know that if I lost a child (even through mistakes of my own), I would always wonder and worry about that child. That's not to say that you should just open up to her. You have to set appropriate boundaries. If you're not comfortable with contact at this time, let her know. But I would also recommend giving her the peace of mind that the child she gave birth to is doing well. You might also want to consider what you will one day tell your son about this incident. Will he be hurt or angry to know that she did want contact, but you wouldn't allow it? You might want to do some research on the benefits of open adoption, then decide what you and your dh are comfortable with.

You mentioned that you fostered your son since he was one. Was he placed in the system due to abuse or neglect? If so, I would have some concerns. On the other hand, even abusive parents can love their children. It sounds like she is just wanting to be a part of his life in some way. I would contact your agency and express your concerns. She may only want to keep up with his life and in knowing his size, send him some kind of present. I would also want to know how she was able to contact you directly? Are you listed in the phone directory? Please check with your social worker and see what her/his advice would be. JJ