This birthday is harder than the rest

i wonder all the time heather, if she will ever look for me. I hope that she is like me and won't rest until she at least knows if we may have the same laugh & smile. and with all the other posts i never really thought about maybe it would hurt all over again when we do meet...there are so many diffrent things that have to do with adoption and here i am 9 years later still learning!

From what I've read from others it seems like we are constantly learning. There are so many issues to consider, so many people involved to look out for. It truly is mind boggling to me at times. Thank God for the internet though. Women in my bmoms generation were just told to hide it and never thin about it again. At least we have each other to talk to :)

Heather, I am just past my son's 29th birthday. I finally decided to ask the agency to do a search for me. I am certain that at this age, he will be able to make teh decision to meet me if he so chooses, without offending his adoptive parents. I know how you feel. I would put my arms around you and give you a big hug if I could. (No weird stuff...just complete understanding and empathy.) There are so many things that you think about...so many people who can't possibly understand how hard those birthdays are. Every kid that same age is your's until you learn their birthdays and if tehy were adopted. I know. I look all the time. It never gets any easier...you just have to decide how to handle that pain, and what, if any action you might take. I remember calling the agency when my son was about 6 weeks old. I had no one to discuss my pain with. I was absolutely devastated. I was uncertain if I had made the right decision. I asked the social worker if he was o.k. She said "Oh Teresa!" in a patronizing tone, like I did not have the right to ask. I was devastated all over again. I was hurt so badly at the tone she used with me. I had ZERO self esteem from that point on for a LONG time. I have 3 sons now, and They are all old enough to understand what I'm doing, and my husband is behind me 100%. I am searching for him, and if he doesn't want to see me, at least I tried. i need to know he's o.k., and so do you need to know about your baby. In time, things will be more clear. I am suffering right along with you sweetie. Everything happen for a reason. Stay strong. The right thing to do will be clear to you when it's time. Know that you are not alone. Teresa

Thanks Teresa (((HUGS))) :) I was 27 before I began my search for my bmom and looking back now, I'm glad I waited. I know it may be a while (if ever) for my son to search. Doesn't make it any easier but like you said at least I know I've done everything I can on my end to be there for him when he's ready.

I struggled every year as my birthson's birthday approached. I was very aware when he turned 18. I remember writing to the adoption agency and updating my address and phone numbers. I wondered when would be the best time for me to search. I asked that question to many people at this site.....I got many responses. Finally I decided that I would wait until he had established himself fully as an adult....I figured 25 would be a good time for me to actively start searching. This decision took more than a year...I really wanted to do the right thing....I didn't want to intrude and didn't want to put myself in a position where I would be unwelcome (that would have been painful for me). Last summer my birthson contacted me by phone...no warning, no preparation. Our relationship has moved slowly and I have tried to be patient.....this birthday is the first time that I have been able to send him a card and a gift....putting the package in the mail made me so happy. Peace, fred

Thanks Fred :D So glad to hear that you are in reunion, gives me hope that one day I will be too!

I know what you mean! My daughter turns 18 this month and I don't know what to do with myself.I sit here and wonder if she's searching for me or do i need to search for her.Well i've decided to start searching for her. But i'm wondering if any one know's of any more places togo to.

Have you registered with I.S.S.R. ? I contacted the agency who placed my son to let them know I was open to contact. There are several registries online. If you do a search for adoption registries you should see several that you can check out. Wish you lots of luck in your search.

I registered with adoption.com in April of 2002....shortly before my son was to turn 18. I left my information there in the open for him to find. I decided to give him some time to look for me and if it didn't happen I would do some searching and find him to see if he was ready for contact. In June of last year, it took me all of 5 hours to know where he was exactly. It was wonderful to have the information in front of me and I decided to write a letter. Making a long story short...my 18 year old daughter wrote to him in October 2004, as I hadn't received a reply from my summer letter....still nothing. The holidays passed as I didn't want a reunion to be associated with a big time of the year...I wanted it to have it's own meaning. Once January came, I did another search and found a screen name for him. My daughter ran and signed in and was talking to him within minutes. Several days later, I was chatting online with him as well. I have had some wonderful chats with him and it has been a blessing to receive pictures etc. to know what he looks like (it's like looking in a mirror) and that he is safe. Now things have slowed down...and I have had a wealth of emotions go through my head...the largest one being the guilt...not of the relinquishment itself, but for the denying of all my children to have been raised together as a family unit. I have a beautiful home, not so much with tangible items, but because of a love that pours out from all of us to one another, and I want my son to be able to share in that. If and when he decides to become more involved with us, we will be here with open hearts and arms....patience, I have been told, is my best asset so I will use and consume myself in it until the time comes when he is ready. This is his call, I told him...decisions were made for him years ago and his life has to include who he wants it to include, because HE decides it.... So I leave with you now a simple thought...the searching can be painful because it takes so long sometimes, but once you have the information, somewhere along the way we may not have prepared ourselves for the way we feel at different stages of the development of a reunion. Read everything you can even if you don't think it pertains to your particular situation. Bless you...and I wish you all good graces in your searches. When the time is right, we will all know how our stories will unfold...adoption is so complicated and full of emotions that it can be overwhelming. Let love be your guide, and patience steer the way...it will work out as it is supposed to for all of us...there is a plan in place. Cheryl

As far as my son's birthday is concerned...I think of it every year. My dad's birthday is the same day so I would call to say happy birthday to my dad, and at some point during the day my mom would call me to see how I was doing. (My dad wasn't aware of the birth of my son.) So yes, in my situation..I think of him every year....however it is not just on birthdays. I think of him all the time...and as my other children have been growing up I would think how I missed that with him, and I wonder how he handled each step in his growth to this point with his adoptive parents. He's wonderful today, but we have not spoken of anything other than the simple things and his likes etc. (which of course is huge to me) One day I hope to have the opportunity to talk to him at length about his ups and downs, and how the adoption has affected him and how he actually feels about me. We are just beginning, so there is time for all of those conversations. I will be there for whatever he chooses to discuss with me. And I am prepared for any reaction or outcome. This has simply been a blessing. So, in answer to your question about thinking about our relinquished children..in my case, yes I did, and still think about him every day. Some have made it a point to block it out of their minds..it is not that way in my case, so I can't speak to that. I will let someone with that experience go into details on that aspect. Have you thought of searching for your biological parents? Is this something that has crossed your mind? If you do, I wish you good graces, and if I can do anything to help you, please feel free to let me know here or in a PM. Cheryl

Stonecld- Love your name by the way ;) :) I've spoken with a lot of bmoms over the last 7 years of being online and I have YET to meet one who said she didn't think about her relinquished child, especially on birthdays. Glad you found us here, there are plenty of bmoms willing to share their experiences with you. I'm also curious if you ever thought of searching for your bfamily?

Although we all have our own stories to tell, we are still dealing with many of the same emotions. The more we share with each other, the more we learn of different ways to look at things..and isn't it great that.."Variety is the spice of life"? :D Cheryl

stonecldcrazy~first being from TX, I really love your name. I am a 43 yr old adoptee and am actively searching for my bmom...have hired a PI to assist. I really (selfishly) never considered the importance my searching might have for my bmom. I am also a bmom. My son contacted me when he was 23. It was I have to say one of the best days of my life. It was like he was reborn. I always thought of him even when it wasn't his birthday. I prayed for him and his aparents through out the years. It was this AAHA moment of how important it was for me that i realized it might be just as important for my bmom. I had dinner with this wonderful young man just this evening. Everytime is better than the last. I am sooooo glad he looked for me. I know it is not always perfect or wonderful for everyone. You will never know if you don't try.

Hey stonecldcrazy~glad to hear from you! Reserve your judgement on bmom not contacting you, regardless of what was in your file, she may have been badgered with the go on with your life, you should never contact your child. My son was born in 1980 and I was told "if he wants to contact you" never was it presented that I had any say once those papers were signed. I, however, made sure he could find me with just a phone call. He commented at dinner the other night when we were talking about my search, "Boy, you are having to do alot. It was easy for me." My answer was "I made sure it was." Go ahead and get your info, you just never know what it will hold. Remember , what were you like at 14yr old, where were you emotionally? Then place yourself in her shoes and pregnant in 1955. Think "Happy Days", get Dad his slippers, bowling on Wed nite and so on and so forth. Good Luck and keep us posted!!!

scarlet, i really enjoyed yorr posting. i dont believe you were whinning at all. i am a birthmother of 2. allthougth our storys arent the same. i can say i can relate to the birth day part. there never easy. i could only imagine how you feel. i sympathize with you. i really hope he will find you some day. i wish you the best. keep your chin up and smile.