i need help,please

Hi! I am a bmom of a boy who is 10 mos old now and in an open adoption. I don't know any bmom who didn't fall apart after placement. It is torture for all of us. The part you wrote that really jumped out at me was that you want to be around when your daughter comes looking for you. There is the reason why you have to be strong and not use. What will she find when she comes looking? Maybe you dead or "alive" but not the person you would want her to see. You will want her to be proud. If you wait to change your habits it will only get harder. You can't become the person you want your daughter to find if you are using. Believe me, as a bmom, I know you don't want to feel. Cause it hurts like hell those first months. It still hurts me now but not as bad or as often. It is the women who don't allow themselves to feel the pain and use drugs or "stuff" their feelings who end up with greater difficulties down the road. Does your counsellor know about your drug use? Can you tell her about that and ask her to help you get the help you need? I worry for your daughter as it is concerning that the aparents don't know about your drug use before your pregnancy. Drug use before pregnancy can still have a negative effect on a baby. If she has problems, I am sure you would want them to know what to do for her. They may not know what the problem is or how to help her if they don't know your history. That is what you "owe" your daughter - the right to be treated appropriately for any medical issues she may encounter. I am assuming since you said "when she comes looking for you" that the adoption is closed? Please help yourself so you can be there for her. If you can't help yourself then get your counsellor to do what needs to be done to get you hooked up with services. Sending cyber hugs to you. Shell

Shell's advice of "please help yourself so you can help her" is key here. Your pain is real. Your addiction is real. Your life, however, is also real. If you want to be around to assure her that she was always loved and always wanted, you need to get straight and clean. There are local resources, no matter where you live, that can help you detox and stay clean. Many programs are run by people who have been there and remember what it is like. It makes me sad to know that you are hurting so much. If you ever want to talk, PM me. You daughter was born one year and two days after my daughter. I left the hospital, alone, a year before to the day that your daughter was born. *hugs*

I agree with the others and the most important thing is to remember is to get strong for yourself first as you have your whole life ahead of yourself. It is easier said than done but by admitting you don't want your bdaughter knowing about the drugs you take/have taken is a good base to build on to get professional help. If your daughter does look for you in the future she will want to find you because you are the one who gave her life and can answer those all important questions so it would be sad if you died of an overdose. I also know it hurts having your child adopted but it does get easier with time to deal with although I found it never completely went away I just coped. Like the others I'm a bmum but my bson was born over 23 years ago and I coped but 'shutting a door' on the whole adoption issue. We are now 5 months into a good (finally) reunion but it has been a bumpy road and those questions seemed never ending at first. I thought he would hate me just because he was adopted but he didn't. You are a young woman who deserves to have a good life as you have admitted having problems so the best thing is to take a deep breath and speak to someone like your counsellor. She should be able to point you in the right direction to get help. Good luck! Montraviatommygun

my adopton is open, and i am waiting for my first letter. no one knows about my problem, not even my family. i guess since i stayed clean for my whole pregnancy i figured it wasn't that big of a problem. i am not "shuting out the pain" ,more like wallowing in the **** of my life well i go to work i will write more later

Bell-- I can totaly relate to your pain and I'm sorry that you are in that place right now. :( Trust me when i say that you can't do this alone. Facing an addiction and getting out the other side takes the help of others. The first step toward recovery is admitting that you have a problem, and that you can't get out of it alone. Until you are ready to say "That's It" I can't do this anymore. Until you want to live a little bit more than you want to die. Things aren't going to change. Unfortunately sweetie it will get worse :( I know what it feels like to have a huge gapping void in the center of your being with no idea how to fill it up. I know what it feels like when you wake up wondering how you got there after promising yourself you wouldn't do it again. I know what it feels like to hate being in your own skin. Looking at other people and wondering why can't I just be like them. Why can't I just be "normal". There is only one way out of addiction and that is a COMPLETE psychic change. By that I mean you have to be willing to change EVERYTHING about yourself and your life. You have to be willing to go to any lengths to be sober. That sometimes means changing your friends, job, family connections. It means seeking help from others who have overcome the same problem and live happy and productive lives today. Getting sober is not easy. Sobriety is for people who WANT it not need it. You can get off the addiction elevator at any floor, it's just a matter of how far down do you really want to go. Here are some promises that will come true in your life should you decide to do the work. "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be AMAZED before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddley realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves." Pages 83-84 Big Book of Alcoholics Annoymous

I hope that you will consider going to a 12 step meeting to see how others have overcome this. You can find listings for AA (Alcoholics Annoymous) or NA (Narcotics Annoymous) in your local phone book. It can be done, you have to do it for you though and no one else.

Bell HUGS to you honey! It is very natural to feel how you feel!! The hust does run deep and some times to much to bear... I place my son in oct.2004. I use to be a drug user never used iv drugs but I did drugs. I quite when I got pregnant to and thankfully I have not started to use again, by the total grace of God ! It can be done but of course it is hard to go cold turkey so to speak. I go to a recovery program. It takes me one step at a time. I go to celebrate recovery at a local church. I dont know if you would even be interested in looking into one where you live but they have helped me in a termendous way and they really do care !! Understanding that falling apart is apart of the whole process what you have done is not not a natural course of action but it is something that God has created not to hurt anyone but he created it when he did it with his own son. Your feelings are normal honey and there are so many women including me who feel the same thing and who will be here to talk to you. I will keep you in my prayers !!! God bless Jess birthmother to Zachary born oct.5,2004

thank you all for your advise. it was all positive. i am going to speak with my theripst about it all on thur. i went to work on saturday when i realized it had been one month exectly. i was crushed then a girl i worked with who was pregnant when i was, came in withh her 5 week old baby. i totally broke down and had to be sent home. i sent her pic. to my best frend. she is in the marine corps and i leaving to do her 2nd tour in irac. more sadness :( but i havent gotin high in 3 days, but i know it won't last long. i try hard but then i just have a dumb moment when i think i can get high and not think about doing it again. yall are right. i know it is a long road. i have been using drugs for5 of my 19 years on this earth,yuck! i sould be geting a letter from M@T(adoptive parents)soon :) i am almost scared they wont write. what would i do AAAAHHHHH!!!! it is so much to think of it all. i don't thimk i could really get trough this without in patint program. well i hate to talk to much. thank you all so much.... much love sisters

Keep on keepin' on, honey. I know you can make it through the dark days; I did it myself. If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to drop me a PM or look at my profile for my contact information. Any time. :)

You haven't got high in 3 days! :D That is wonderful news. Good for you. What can you do when you get the urge to use so that you won't? When that urge comes on, pick up the phone and call someone who doesn't like that you use. Tell them how you are feeling and ask for their support. As someone else aleady posted, you cannot do this alone. You are not talking too much! That is what you need, people who can help you along. Keep coming back here and talk all you want! We are here. Shell

Hi, my name is Chris and I am a birthmother. My daughter found me in Feb 04. It is great to have her back in my life. But, if she had found me 4 years ago, it would not have been a pretty reunion for either of us, as I was drinking then everyday. If you think an inpatient program is what you need to get you on the right road to recovery, then go for it. What do you have to lose at this point? Join a 12 step meeting, as was suggested earilier, they do help, but you have to WANT it. Also, something that might help, is, just take it one day at a time. You can stay sober if its only one day at a time. Don't think about, I'll never beable to drink or drug again, thats too much, just think, I can make it through this one day without doing it. Pray to God too help you, He will. PM me if you want, we are all here for you. I know getting high seems to make it better, for the moment, but then you come down, and its still the same. Please keep writing to us and do the next right thing. Chris

(((((HUGS))))) Bell :) Three days is HUGE! Sending prayers your way sweetie, we are here for you anytime you need to talk :D

Bell that is GREAT that you have been clean 3 days ( 4 if you include today ) keep on keeping on girl ! I know that it is hard but dont give up .... I agree with calling some one when you feel like using ( some one who doesnt use and doesnt like the fact that you do ) and ask for support. Maybe call that person up and see if they want to go do something ... It is very important to keep people involed in this because it is a process and it wont happen over night ... be patient with your self. I will be praying for you !!! Feel free to PM me any time you need !! Jess Birthmother to Zachary Stephen born oct.5,2004