I'm already a single parent...

cnelson I to already have a daughter. She is two. 3 months ago I placed my son for adoption. I had so many of the same thoughts that you did .... I am already raising one why cant I take care of another , I can do it but by the skin of my teeth. I finally had to look at it this way .... If I ever wanted to get complete on my feet and be able to give my daughter and my son every thing the need and desirve I would have to place my son. Hard descion for me to make ( I do already have one child ) thoughs thoughts of why cant I raise another one filled my head all the time ! I dont reget my descion to place cause I know my son and one day my daughter will have all that they need and all that they desire. Things are finally falling into place I am getting a job ( if had keeped my son I would not have been able to do all of this, well I could have but it would have been 10 times harder and seeming ever so impossible ) I am going back to school , I am going somewhere with my life.What I am trying to say is do what you know will be best for all your children and yourself. Weither it be parenting or adoption . You do what you know will be best ! Jess birthmother to Zachary Stephen born oct.5,2004

I'm so glad you came here for support!! I love this board and even though I have "support" at home I don't have anyone that really UNDERSTANDS. These ladies do. I do not have any other children so I can't give you a ton of advice except to say that if you are not 100% sure that adoption is the right choice for you than don't blind yourself into thinking it is for the sake of another. Don't do it to "please" the birthfather. You know in your heart what is right for you and if you don't know quite yet, that is okay. You can even make the decision after you have the baby and there is nothing wrong with that. Take your time because this is a LIFETIME decision. If you decide to place then please come back here anytime for support. We are all here for you no matter what. Also, take into consideration Jess's great advice. She knows where you are coming from. Vanda

Hi, I am so glad that you are reaching out there are alot of people on these boards who have probably been where you are. You definitely have your hands full since you are already a single parent; you know how difficult it can be to care for young children. My daughter is 21 months so I truly understand what your challenges are. On the flip side as an adoptive mom I can tell you that there is no greater joy in my life then having a child to love and honor. I am not sure how far along you are in your pregnancy however you may want to create a Pros vs Cons list with the following questions: What do I want to accomplish in the next 5 years? Can I accomplish those goals if I have a third child to raise? Look at the woman in the mirror and share what you think she should do. It is really important that you do what you want to do. You will be the one getting up at night with the feedings and diaper changes. If that is a challenge that you are up to then by all means keep your baby. Can you get some state assistance to help you with your children? I am very big advocate of potential bmoms and bmoms and I want you to know that I am here day or night if you want to talk. I will PM you with my e-mail and you can send me your phone number if you would like. If you decide to go the adoption route. I would be glad to help you establish a list of questions so that you can screen adoptive families and agencies. I am sure that by now you have heard how wonderful adoption can be. If you choose open adoption you can continue to have a relationship with your childs adoptive family. Granted with everything there are some risks and sometimes the adoptive families close the door however most adoptive families keep their promises. For us, we have a great relationship with our daughters birth mom, as a matter of fact she and her entire family came for an all day visit in July and we are taking Star to see her this weekend because she is sooo busy. H is a college student and this next semester is going to be a bear. H is president of the National Honor Society, she has an internship with a Senator, will work and do volunteer work. H has told us that open adoption has been the perfect solution for her because she can follow her dreams and still enjoy occasional visits with our daughter along with updates informing her of what Star is up to. We have a couple of different web sites so H can see what our daughter Star is up to any time day or night. Not all adoptive families will agree to do this but you can certainly ask. If you choose open adoption you may want to get a Contact Agreement unfortunately in most states this agreement will not hold up in court however it spells out very clearly what you need from the adoptive family. I have counseled several young women who didnҒt have a contact agreement prior to the birth of the baby and now they are very unhappy because they want more pictures or more visitations. However in these situations the adoptive families didnŒt want to budge because the birth moms requests werent put in the contact agreement. In some instances the birth moms went through agencies in others they were private adoptions. For many of these women they just didnҒt realize how much their feelings would change once the baby was here. I am sure that right now your head is spinning and several people have probably offered to adopt your baby. Take your time making your decision just because you talk to an agency does not mean that you have to commit to them.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND IT IS YOUR DECISION TO MAKE. I want you to know that I have no motive other than to help you gain as much information possible so that you can make the best decision possible for yourself. I want to be the soft spot that you might need to lean on as you make your decision. I want to be here to give you some support and help you so that you won't feel so alone. You are probably under alot of pressure and feeling like everyone around you wants something or wants to tell you what to do with your life. I am a neutral party with big ears and lots of hugs. If my daughter were in your situation I would want someone to reach out to her. Heres a hug for you and please give your children a hug from the lady in Texas. Please take care and know that you are not alone. Maria

I have to agree on making a pros vs. cons list . I did the same thing and it helps alot. My list changed to why I am choosing to place for adoption after to see the exact reason why I was placing written out on paper. That help alot too. The main thing that really helped me was to pray and seek God out through this process. He really showed me how to go and has never left my side through this and I have a peace to this day about doing what I did. So my suggestion would be ask the Lord seek him out he wont lead you in the wrong direction. Jess birthmother to Zachary Stephen born oct.5,2004

I have been through this situation before with my son. I had contacted an agency in the past and decided that I wanted to keep him. Since then I have gone back to college and am close to achieving an Associates Degree. It was a dream come true. Even though it was harder to do this with another child, I became a very strong person.I am already involved with an agency based in Nebraska... we (the birthfather and I) work with them every month in determining if this is really what we want. Big Dreamer--> I do recieve government assistance for my two children now since their fathers can not take responsibility for them. I believe what scares the birthfather of my third child is that he hears horror stories of the way the government is charging dad's for child support. Thank you for all of your support.

Thanks for letting us know how things are going. Have you made any decsions yet? By the way congratulations on working on your Associates Degree. Way to go...whooo hooo! :) I think of you and your little ones often. Keep us posted, Maria

:) As a birth mother who's son was adopted almost 3 years ago, I am currenty married and financially ready to have a child, however I can honestly say that my decision for adoption did involve financial issues as well as being a single parent. I know that my son was placed in a family that was not rich but who I felt could provide a loving, finacially stable and secure future for my son! I could not allow myself to be dependent on the gov't to pay our way or the birth father. I felt that a family who could not have a child deserved the opportunity to be parents and I am now pregnant for the first time with my husband (who was adopted) and we agreed that had we not been financially stable or in a healthy relationship it would be a choice we would both make for our child! I have an open adoption with my son and the parents alwways keep me up to date as well as check on me to see how I am doing! We talk a lot and the amom calls when ever she has biological questions from the doctor! I could have struggled and my son could have struggled but instead we get to live with out that extra stress as well as know that the love we have in hearts helped a family that could not have their own biological child. I have never regreted my choice and seeing my son smile reminds me that I made the right choice! I wish you the best!

There are a lot of places out there that will help you go through your options, help you find resources (although it sounds like you already know about those). Sometimes just talking through it with someone helps you see what you know in your heart. If you have an open adoption, you will still have contact with your child. That's a postive...the negative is that you aren't doing the parenting. PM if you would like some help talking through it. Pam

My wife and I have been married 15 years and are waiting to adopt. She is a Special Ed school teacher of childern with Autism/Aspergers. I am a CPA that works 6-3PM. I wish we could meet and have a birth mother become part of our family. Pray for us. Bill

[font=Fixedsys]well I am a single mother of twins. There dad left when they were 3 weeks old and I haven't heard from him since. they are going to be 10 in May. It has been VERY hard raising, supporting them by myself. Then I met someone and got pregnant. He didn't want to take responsibility and told me I must have cheated, cuz it couldn't be his. I didn't want to raise another baby by myself. I saw what my kids were going through with no father. So I was thinking of adoption, when my sister called and said she wanted the baby. Mind you she was 20 and getting ready to get married to her highschool sweetheart. I knew I would never be able to give the baby up to a family and never be able to see how she grew up and etc. I had finally decided that they could adopt her, but it wasn't intill the day I had her that i finally was able to say yes. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and it has taken me 4 yrs to even start forgiving myself. but I get to see her ALL the time, and I couldn't have given her 2 better parents then my sister and her husband. [/font]

Heide, I was glad to read that you were able to place your baby with your sister. Please dont beat yourself up anymore, you made the best choice possible at that particular time in your life. The best part is that YOU and YOUR children will all know each other and you get to see your daughter all the time. I truly believe that children in Open Adoptions grow up to be very healthy, loving and understanding people because they know their biological parents and are able to get their questions answered. I believe it so much that our daughters bfamily is an extension of our family. We send pictures, phone calls and allow the bgrandparents, and cousins visitation. I truly believe that Open Adoption is a win, win situation for everyone and I believe that your daughter will understand why you made the choice that you did. Hold your head up high Ms Heide, everyone knows that when a bmom places her child in the arms of an adoptive family (even if it is a family member) they are doing it out of love for that child. Take care and thanks for sharing your story. I am here is you ever want to talk. Maria

Even though you feel ambivalent, consider the long term effects of placing a child up for adoption. Studies indicate high rates of depression, post traumatic stress, and decrease in daily living skills. It's up to you, but from a birthmother, really weigh out your life, her life, etc. It is so hard, I hate what I feel, I regret what I did, even though it was the right choice then. Blessed be.

Yes, it is important to truly weigh your options. It's important to have someone who is unbiased help you sort through it. As far as the "Studies indicate high rates of depression, post traumatic stress, and decrease in daily living skills" I'm sure if similar studies were done on children raised by young single moms, you will find similar results. Getting pregnant when you are not ready to parent leaves NO easy options. My sister placed 8 1/2 years ago. There are days when she says she should have kept him. Then there are other days when she realizes that if she had, there would have been so much stress between her and the father (they married after placing) that they would not be married now. It's been tough enough as it is. Her son has a good, loving stable home where they were able to give him what she could not at that time in her life. She is now a mom to a beautiful 6 year old girl. She is a great mom. She learned a lot in those 2 years in between that have made her a great mom. She would have been a good mom to T, but both of their lives would be totally different...and she even admits that it's better this way, even though she wishes she could have parented. It's very easy to look back from where you are and say "I could have done it", but would you be where you are if you had parented? I am not advocating adoption only. I believe there are many cases where parenting is the best option. But, hard as it is, adoption IS sometimes the best option. Pam

cnnelson-I understand your situation, because I was recently there. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that YOU MUST FOLLOW YOUR HEART, and not allow your fears to control you. If you feel you cannot love your baby, then give the baby up for adoption. If you feel you cannot mother another child, then give the baby up for adoption. If the only thing that causes you to want to give your baby up for adoption is the fear, "how will I do this?" then keep your baby. You know exactly what it will be like. You've already done it. Are you successful now? You will be successful with a third. Babies need to be loved and wanted much more than they need things, and financial circumstances are temporary. I put myself through college and am doing very well supporting my children. It isn't easy, but it is possible. I think that is the key- do you want to do this, but are afraid that there is just know way? Let go of that fear, because if you are strong and dedicated there is a way. Your heart must make this decision, not what you think the future will probably be. I can only say this was so much certainty because I have been exactly where you are. I never once regretted having my third, and was shocked at how easy it was to add her to our family with almost no additional stress. I was emotionally prepared. Another thing that really influenced my decision was the knowledge that I wasn't just making the decision for myself, but for my older two. I felt strongly that I could not separate them from their sister. I hope my experience helps.

Just remember that adoption is permanent. I placed my daughter in 1986, and when I die, I will say it is my biggest regret. I have reunited with her, but I regret it every day of my life. I was only 15 at the time, and my parents tried to make me have an abortion. I refused, so I was basically forced to place her for adoption. I was a scared confused girl, and the agency said that I could not be eligible for foster care and welfare. (the caseworker was a cousin and probably had family pressure. at 15, you don't see things like that until you get older) It is permanent and you will have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. I was depressed from the time I placed her until she got a hold of me. Eighteen years is an awful long time to be depressed, and even then, you will never be the parent. You will always be the outsider. I am only speaking of my experience. It did work out, but I am still bitter even though it has been almost twenty years now. My parents and sister refuse to speak to me now, because I did find out when I got a hold of the bfather that my father lied to him and told him that I didn't love him and not to come back. I find that out nineteen years later. In my case, it was the worst. Just remember that it is permanent. Open adoption, closed, it doesn't matter. You are no longer the child's mother. Period. Just think it over.