My story

I was only 16 when I had my first son. I tried to raise him for a bit, but I was so young, so poor, and had been abused for quite some time so I was in no position to raise a child. My mother was very against my placing my son for adoption. Her fear was that I would change my mind later. The truth of the matter was that I loved my son enough to let him go. I knew I could not be the mother he needed. He also needed a father and his father denied even knowing me at first. I think it all started when I went to feed Ray one night and he was very lethargic so I took him to the ER. That was on a Friday night. After they had poked at him and run all their tests, they took me into the roomӔ. The one where they take families to tell them that a loved one is going to die or just did die. They told me that he had spinal meningitis and that in children under a year was almost certain death. He was only two months old at this time. After being in the hospital with my son all weekend trying my best to deal with it alone as my family wanted nothing to do with me, his doctor came in on Monday morning and told me that he only had a viral infection and that he would be fine. A week later at his pediatricians office I broke down crying. As I told the doctor that I was more than overwhelmed he asked if I had considered adoption. My son was still young enough that he would not remember me so it would not be as bad as if I waited and then did it. I gave him to a couple and he was there about two weeks and I did change my mind. I could not do it at first, I still feel bad for that couple. I was just a kid, I know that now. After I got my son back he only cried he did not know me anymore. In the end it was when I had to steal money to feed him that I made my choice. His aunt and uncle, (his fatherҒs brother and sister in law) came to me and wanted to adopt him. They promised me I could still be in his life. He needed a family and I had a much harder road ahead of me and had almost a foresight of it. I knew that my life was going to be hard and I didnt want to drag him through hell with me. It was the hardest thing IҒve ever done but when they brought him back to me after a visit I told them that I would let them adopt. They were overjoyed, my son had a home, but I was empty. In the 12 years that have followed they have not allowed me to contact him as they said they would. I know where he is, but out of respect for him I dont contact him in any way. I had gone back when my son was almost a year old to sign the final adoption papers and I saw him so happy. It was very hard to hear him call another woman mommy but I knew that even in my pain I had made the right choice. I have not seen him since then, the pictures stopped a long time ago. Today I wait, wait for a call, a letter, an email. I donҒt know even if my son will know that hes adopted. All I know today is that my son is safe, warm, loved, happy, and healthy. That is what mattered most to me. There have been many bad days in my life but I try to remember the good days, and I look forward to the day when I am with my children again. Having come from an abusive home I looked for love almost anywhere I could find it, and like most women found it in the arms of a man. About a month or so after I moved to Tennessee I was pregnant for the second time. Distraught I did not know what to do. After all I was only 17 and had already lost one child. I had the foresight of knowing that I would have a very rough life. I changed my mind a million times before he was born. In the end I knew what I had to do only I didnҒt want to which made it that much harder for me. Looking back on it now I have no clue how I was able to be so strong in the midst of so much pain. I had not picked out a family yet by the time he was born. While I was in the hospital Debbie, the wonderful woman from the adoption agency here came and held my hand and was like a mom to me when mine had turned her back. After Wesley was born (we named him Paul, they named him Wesley Karl Paul), Debbie brought me a pile of letters from prospective adoptive parents. While the father and I sat and held him and rocked him for the two days we had with him while we were in the hospital the papers just sat there. I couldnt look at them, not yet anyway. I only had a very small amount of time with him and I wanted to spend it holding him. As we were leaving the hospital, the father dropped the papers on the floor he picked them back up in no particular order. When we got home and I sat down on the couch the very first letter I read I knew. I knew that they would be the ones I wanted to adopt him. In the most unusual way I invited them over, all of them, including my son. The adoption agency brought him to me and I kept him for one night and one night only. The same night I had the couple come over so I could see how they interacted with each other and with my son. By the time that they left we had asked them if they wanted to adopt. Somewhat hesitant they said they needed to think about it. By 7am the next morning they had called Debbie and told her that they wanted to adopt. A couple of weeks later after the papers were signed we had a ceremony where I placed my son in the adoptive motherҒs arms. The strangest thing happened then, they were crying the father was crying, but I didnt cry. Not because I didnҒt love him, but because it felt so right that how could I? I knew that the choice I had made was the right one. Of course I spent plenty of time crying, just not then. I saw him many times since he was born, and have gotten to watch him grow up from the outside. He is happy, healthy, well adjusted little boy. He has an eye condition that makes him legally blind and they have been so wonderful about helping him learn to adjust with it. He is such a happy little boy today, and he knows he is loved. I could not ask for more than that. It was about a year or so after Wesley was born that I got married to a different man. I ended up pregnant again, (I swear Im fertile LOL), at any rate, this time it was a girl. She is mine though, I did not place her. I went through hell to have her, I almost died several times while pregnant and giving birth. I raised her for two years before my husband I and I separated. After we split I ended up pregnant again. Unable to believe what was happening, I wept so hard that I could barely control it. I called Debbie again and told her, she was very supportive for me. I got back together with my ex-husband for a while and we tried to make things work. I think though too much had happened by that time. When I was about 6 months pregnant I left my husband and moved to Louisiana to have my son. Knowing full well that I could not care for both by myself I found myself in the position again. My heart broke; it was like going through the motions at that point. I picked a good family for him but unlike Wesley this was to be a closed adoption. After he was born I had my tubes tied and they took me to a different part of the hospital than most mothers. I did not want to be on the maternity ward. It made it too hard for me. I spent two days trying to write him a letter. I couldnҒt find the words through my tears. I would go to the nursery and hold him and feed him. The day I left the hospital I stopped by the nursery before I left to tell him goodbye. It **** near killed me; I kissed him on top of the head and told him that I loved him. I placed him back in his crib and called for a nurse. As soon as I saw the nurse coming to get him I turned and walked out the door knowing if I didnt do it then that I wouldnҒt make it out the door. As soon as the door closed behind me I feel to my knees with my face to the floor and wept. My heart broke that day and breaks more every time I tell that story. I have not seen my son since that day. I got pictures for the first year and after that nothing. Its been 6 years now and all I can do today is cry and wait and hope. Nothing in my life has ever really been ok, and there are times that I wonder if anything ever will. I donҒt know why I had to go through all this, I dont know if I made things easier or harder for my kids, I know I made things harder for me. I am trying today to rebuild my life; I spent a few years destroying after that happened. My ex ran off with my daughter and I have not seen her in four years. So I sit here a mother with empty arms. I have told my story to a few people but I always cry, and I always ache deep in my heart. I hope today, that is all I have now. The hope that one day my kids will try to find me and that they might forgive me for the mistakes I made in my past. I love them, which is why I knew I was not the best choice for them. Today I try to focus my energy on helping other girls who have been or are in the same or similar position as I was. I have also found that I can be of help to adoptive children who want to understand a bit better about their birthmother and how she might have felt. Today I work through my pain by helping another if I can. Sometimes however itҒs all I can do to breath in and out, but it is getting easier to deal with. In time my kids will come to look for me. I hope.