Advice on how to talk to underage birth mom

Hi Roxanne! Welcome to the forums. I hope that they will be of great support to you on your adoption journey. I first want to say that I think it is great that you are desiring to be as supportive as possible towards this young lady. It sounds like you truly want her best interest at heart. You made this statement: You know way more about her situation than I do, but I just wanted to say that if you try and get that point across to her then she might not be very receptive. I suggest that rather than trying to point her in that direction yourself, to perhaps point her in the direction of an adoption agency that will be better equipped to help her weigh her options and provide her with counseling no matter what her final decision. You are coming from a difficult place because it sounds like she has not officially decided on adoption yet (and to be perfectly honest I don't think ANYONE decides OFFICIALLY on adoption til AFTER the birth of the child). This puts you both in awkward positions...she might feel like she is being persuaded to place the baby up for adoption and you in your strong desire to have another child might be unintentionally pushing her towards that decision...maybe without even knowing it! I don't believe that talking with her over the phone would be illegal in any way. Because of her young age you are definately dealing with more than just her. Her mother and grandmother sound like they both have their own motives pushing them. Honestly, when you talk to her on the phone, I would suggest that you encourage her to find an adoption agency. This young girl needs counseling and support desperately. I know this probably wasn't the answer you were looking for but I'm worried for her. Good Luck to you and your family!! You made the statement that you are a Christian woman and so you probably won't be offended at me saying that God has the perfect match for you out there somewhere. Trust in Him!!! Sincerely, Vanda

Thank you so much for your response! Actually, I do believe you are right. I had considered that it would be best for her to get in touch with an agency of some sort. I know the Crisis Pregnancy Center here in our small town is wonderful in counseling young women, and they have a great reputation for compassion. I didn't mention it in my post, but I certainly think that she is in dire need of counseling, no matter what her decision is...or isn't. Of course, getting her to a center is a challenge since she doesn't yet drive, but perhaps I can talk to her grandmother about that. I will do some research into local options for her. I would feel so much better if a professional was counseling her. You are right again when you said that I may be influencing her, and I don't want to do that. This has to be her decision right down the line, or she may regret it later. No doubt this is going to be a life changing situation for her, and I want her as prepared as she possibly can be. Thank you, thank you for your response!

Get her into some unbiased counseling - either through crisis pregnancy center, agency counselor, etc. Contact Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight (google it) and see if she has suggestions. The whole family needs counseling, IMHO. The only one who 'pays' for a 'mistake' of an unplanned pregnancy of a minor is the child. Most states 'emancipate' minors once they become pregnant, consult with your attorney on this. Regardless, it is not illegal to speak to a 14 year old without their parents' permission. This young lady is exploring her options, that is not only her right but her responsibility. Best of luck, Regina

Our son's birthmother was 14 when she conceived him and 15 when she gave birth. One of the first things I remember the birthmother counselor from our agency sharing with us was that our son's bmom (K) didn't want to talk much with her. We met at our son's birth and found that K was actually quite open, but not with some authority figures or people she perceived as telling her what she had to do. We found that having her mom on board and supportive has been the biggest part of our open and successful relationship. I agree with the previous post that supporting this young woman to get her family with her to be part of the decision will spell the possible success of adoption in this situation. Talking with her on the phone is clearly legal, but I'd be cautious to not come across as leading or guiding the situation so that you don't end up pitted against her mom in "what's right" for her daughter. I don't recall reading how far along this young woman is, but if you have time, a lot can change as the family gets to understand adoption, and possibly open adoption. Unbiased counseling with sufficient options presented is so important to them being able to sort out their hearts and minds. Best of luck! susan

I think that objective counseling is a great idea. There job is to hold up a mirror and help her see the reality of her particular situation. The choice of what to do about it is then up to her. BUt this is key as almost every state has a period of time for the bmom to change her mind-6 months in my state. If she has not worked all this out and made an informed decision ahead of time, she is more likely to change her mind later. As for the legality of talking to her without the mother's permission-do a web search on your state laws. In my state, an underage girl is considered an asult while she is pregnant. She has all the rights of someone that is of the age of majority.