I Have A Few Questions

Being a birthparent has got to be stressful, in particular those visits with bchild. as an aparent, my feeling is that I would love bmom/bdad and families to remain in contact, however, I can't force them to. I know that dd's bmom will need time and our relationship will ebb and flow-there will be time she needs to withdraw and that's fine for us. It's my job to explain that do dd when/if it happens. one thing we've really tried to do is remain connected with dd's bfamily: bgrandparents, baunts, etc. My feeling is that bgrandparents will probably be more consistent in their contact-they have different emotions involved and are older. I want dd to feel a part of a larger family, not so much just bmom and bdad. if for some reason the entire family wanted no contact, aside from trying to find out why, I'd send the materials to their agency and let them keep them, along with keeping a copy with me just in case. Hard to think about the hypothetical. since your adoption is within the family it becomes more complicated, but then again easier. you have her family all around her and a relationship already established. good luck! Lisa

We haven't heard from DD's Bmom since DD was about 2 months old so I struggle with determining when enough is enough. We knew going in that bmom was unsure about future contact but we made sure to let her know that we were open to more (b/c we are!). We never established a regular schedule for contact either, again because bmom wasn't sure whether she wanted any contact at all, but I had hoped that she'd come to want to communicate with us at least once or twice a year but that has not materialized. A few days ago, a poster mentioned how she'd waited four years, dutifully sending letters and photos, before Bmom responded. I'm not sure that I can maintain the same regularity of emails for four years with no response but I'll go on sending my periodic updates as long as I can feel good about it. It does hurt to constantly feel like you're shouting into the wind and at some point, I think you just gotta take a hint. That point may be different for everyone, tho.

I'm facing similiar questions. Except the bmom wanted so much more contact by way of visits/phone calls than I was ready for....yet never wrote her letters(which is what I asked for over and over again) Never was really willing to answer any questions about her birth/medical/family history and circumstances around why she choose to relinquish her rights(adopted through fostercare). I felt like it was so one sided, becoming resentful of sharing things with her since we weren't getting what we needed and wanted in the realtionship as well. The thing was.....I wouldn't have minded it if we were both getting something....especially our child. But, we felt like the things we really wanted for our child....were just being ignored. We've had to take a step back and try and discuss these things before having more visits/phone calls. We have seen some progress...but still not close to what we had hoped. It's very frustrating. When you feel like you have shared everything...your heart and soul and fears...and joys and all you get back in return are comments that are very brief...or unemotional...kinda detached. I'm trying to be understanding and to put myself in her shoes....but it's so hard sometimes. I guess I don't really have any answers to your questions....maybe just more things for you to think about. But maybe this will help...... Even though we've had our issues....even if she choose never to give us any info or answers....I have so much love in my heart for her...and so much love for my daughter that I would continue to write her at least once a year and send pictures....even if i never got anything in return. Infact in my sons case.....I have written and sent pictures to his birthmom and she has not responded....I never met her....but I intend on writing/sending pictures every year..... until hopefully she finally chooses to respond....I make copies of the letters I've sent so my son will always know what effort i have made and it will be up to him to decide what to do when he grows up...even if she never responds. In my youngest daughters case hers was more a closed adoption and all I have is a name and picture of her birthmom and that was kind of by accident and coincidence. I intend on writing her every year as well and placing it in a box...so if the day ever does come that we get her address or make contact everything will be ready to give her. So, I guess to me.... it doesn't really matter if the birthparent drops out..... My child will know I love them FOREVER and will always be there for them to support them.... I don't want my child to ever look back and point the finger at me....that I deprived them of that opportunity or that relationship. It actually kills me to know that my youngest daughter won't have any answers growing up..... I wish so badly to find her birthfamily and at least offer contact to them...once that door is shut....it's hard to know where to look....to open it back up....or in her case...to open it to begin with. My daughter is only 18months right now....you'd think it would be easy to find someone....but....maybe I just don't know how to look????

Since ours is a fully open adoption, I'd get on a plane, stand on their doorstep and demand reasons why. That's just us, and our relationship. Because we all made a commitment to this child. This is not about them or about us, it's about him. Honestly, if it were the opposite - we decided we couldn't keep it up - they would be on our doorstep just as quick. We love them for that. Having said that, there are times when his bparents are in closer contact and times when they're not. We continue to hold the door open, sending pictures, letters, artwork, and keeping in contact with extended family members until they're ready to come back to the table, per se. JMHO Regina

Since ours is a fully open adoption, I'd get on a plane, stand on their doorstep and demand reasons why. That's just us, and our relationship. Because we all made a commitment to this child. This is not about them or about us, it's about him. Honestly, if it were the opposite - we decided we couldn't keep it up - they would be on our doorstep just as quick. LOL, I was thinking the very same thing!

Our daughter's Other Mother has tried on several occasions to stop all contact. She has a history of drug abuse and mental illness that plays a role in this. She periodically tells us she can't take it anymore and doesn't want to hear from us. I tried to keep in mind how hard this must be for her and simply said, "I can't imagine how hard this is for you but we made a promise to E and we are both going to follow through with this. Parenting isn't always fun and we will get through this together." Usually she screams and yells about how everyone is against her and I just calmly explain, "I am here for you if you need me, I will call you tomorrow and check up on you. We are in this together, Love you Bye!". She had these outbursts regualrly in the beginning and we asked her for months if she needed to change her mind about the adoption, she insisted no every time. SHe even came to live with us shortly after we received the baby b/c I wasn't sure she really wanted to do the adoption regardless of what she said. That was probably the best thing for all of us, we got to know each other and build a relationship that will last. She has asked us several times (as a joke) to adopt her. Last month she asked my husband to give her away at her wedding even though she has a Father and her family will be upset. She claims to all that will listen, we are her chosen family b/c we follow through with everything we say and won't give up on her no matter how bad it gets. My suggestion to you is be respectful of their feelings, be there when they need you, and know that sometimes you will give more than you receive and that is your duty to your child and her family. It is not always nice and pretty but neither is a marriage. It is hard work but it is rewarding. Good Luck. Rachel

With our daughter's birthmom V, we signed a contact agreement. We agreed to send pics once a month for one year and have to 2 visits. Although she is only 4 months old, V has made no attempt to contact us. I continue sending pictures and a note each month. When she is ready to see our daughter I feel she will contact us. Every situation is different. At first V wanted a closed adoption and at 2 months she changed her mind and asked to meet us. Best of luck to you.