question regarding setting boundaries?

Hi - bmom in a very open adoption here. I just want to start this post with telling you a little about me. I am in my mid 30's and a single mom to a teenage boy whom I have raised alone. I have a bson who is now 10 months old. His adoption is open and we are all very comfortable with each other. I selected the aparents when I was 4.5 months pregnant and we met in person for the first time when I was 5 months along. I have come to love them dearly. They were even both in the delivery room. I give you this background as I want you to see that my situation is very different then this bmoms in that I am a grown woman who would be quite cable of caring for my bson for the day. Having said that, I would never ask for OR want such a thing. I see my bson regulary (monthly but it was weekly the first couple months). My older son and I visit him in his home with his parents or they visit us in our home. The "alone" time that I get with my bson is in their home for very short periods when I take him to his bedroom alone to rock him in the rocking chair that is in his bedroom. I am really uncomfortable doing this as visits are not just about us but about building a relationship with him and his parents. I don't have alone time when he visits with his parents to my home only bc my home is so small. The time I do have him "alone" in his bedroom is short for 2 reasons. I don't want to make his parents uncomfortable and I want to maintain a strong relationship with them which means spending time with them too. I don't want to take away from them but to add to my bson's life. I don't think it is even appropriate at such a young age for a bchild to go with bparents without aparents around. I would never dream of asking for such a thing and I would surely expect to be told "no" if I did venture there. I hope with time, years down the road, that I can take my bson out for an ice cream or something little without it being an issue. However that would develop with trust. I think it will hard for you though because you have already allowed her to spend time with your son without you in the picture. If I was given that once, I would expect that it would continue. Why give it once to only then take it away? Know what I mean? As for she doesn't see you as your child's mom, she can only come to do that by seeing you in that mothering role every time she is with her bson. As I said, I am the mom to another older child too. I personally didn't allow anyone to take my 7 month old out without me. I think that is just normal for a mom of such a young child. Setting boundaries is a good thing but they shouldn't be confusing which they will be when you offer such contact (without you) and then take it away. I would not be surprised if she will be very upset by this. However with time she will adjust. Shell

Hi, my main reason for making the "pound on the chest and hear me roar" comment was because sometimes I think it's the knee jerk response to go in the totally opposite direction when we feel we aren't seen as mom. You know what I mean? I read it a lot on these forums and on other groups I belong to. When someone begins feeling threatened they go way over board in the opposite direction and become more strident, or picky, or whatever. I'm not suggesting you are, not at all, I was just saying we (I inlcude myself here too) need only be as we are, we should only be as we are, we shouldn't make ourselves "more" or "less." I hope that makes sense. Like I said, I struggle too, I have had to find my own help to be able to recognize what I was doing. The dynamics of our adoption are much more straight forward than yours, and we had a counselor help us when our relationship was forming. Have you considered contacting an open adoption agency in your area and inquiring if you could set up counseling only appointments for yourself and your husband? It might help you to navigate and provide you with some more persectives on openness. You mentioned you spoke with a psychologist, and it couldn't hurt to that again if you feel you need to. Have you read any books on open adoption? Would you be willing to? There are some books that would be good to pass on to other family. Take care

Debbie, You might want to check out "Adoption is a Family Affair: What Friends and Family Must Know" by Patricia Irwin Johnston. It's probably at your local library, or if not in the bookstores, on Amazon, Tapestry, etc. Read it first and see if it applies. We sent it to all our family & close friends as this is our 'first adoption' too (though since then my cousin adopted a sibling group) and everyone said it helped. Since yours is a relative adoption, the dynamics are different tho. HTH hang in there. Regina

Well, the Sh** hit the fan. I emailed the bmom to let her know that I was uncomfortable with DS going somewhere without us at this age and explained why, as well as it wouldn't be forever (she'd be able to take him for outings when he's older and she's older). I told her that if she wanted DS to go to the restaurant on her birthday that we would arrange our schedule for us to be there if that's what she wanted. Nope, she wants him w/o us there and told us that we were being unfair and that since she "gave birth to him" we really should have no right to deny her taking him for "just 4-5 hours". She really got nasty in the letter. I emailed her back to address this, that we were not being unfair, that we had discussed all this prior to her going through with the adoption, about visitations and alone visitations when he's a few years old (and he wants to go). I also was upset at her response and told her that we adopted Jayden. We're not just "babysitting him for her." I told her regardless of whether I gave birth to him or not, he was our son, and I had to do what was best for him and I also told her that I was upset that she told us that we had no right to decide what was right for our son and asked her why she didn't want us there, did she want to pretend that we didn't exist. I then spoke to her later today and asked her what she wanted to do on her birthday, did she want us there and if so we needed to make arrangements. She said right now she didn't know. I also spoke with my sister, who said that both her son (bdad) and bmom regret relinquishing their rights and are upset because they can't be "mom and dad" to him even though he's adopted. One of my AOL screen names is Jaydensmommy. I haven't even used it for email, but bmom has a screen name on my account and when she went to switch names Jaydensmommy came up as a choice. She got very upset, called my nephew, he got pissed off and went off on my sister saying I had "no right" to do that. She told him, well, he is her mom and my DH is his dad, that he was daddy too, but that we were also. My sister also can't understand why I won't just let bmom take him for 4-5 hours, it shouldn't be any big deal. I asked her if she would feel the same if I gave birth to him or if I adopted from outside the family. She didn't answer. I told her that she's too close to the situation, being her son is involved, and I have to decide what's right for me and DS. I also told her it's an extremely open adoption, they can come up and visit whenever they want (parents said they would get plane tickets for them) and I go down there at least every two months and I felt that she was being unreasonable to her son and the bmom. I really appreciated all your comments on this board. It really helped me to see things more clearly from both sides and to make the decision for the right reasons. I realize it's going to be a hard road ahead, especially in the near future, but that boundaries have to be set now or things will probably get way out of control. I may lose a family member over this. I hope not. The good thing is that pretty much the rest of our extended family finally understand and agree with me and think I am doing what is best for DS right now, even though it's going be hard on my sister, her son and the bmom. BTW, my sister is finally taking her son for counseling after him failing in school, leaving out all night, and making threats (she tends to ignore things until they get really out of hand). She says she feels bad that he gave up his rights and that he should have kept DS. Right now, both bparents hate me and DH and we'll have to live with that. Hopefully, we'll all be able to work this out and be stronger for it. Debbie

I am sorry you had to go through that. Relative adoption must be so hard. I think they will get over it. They are young, Jayden is young. I wanted my son back too at first. Lay the groundwork now, like you are doing, and it will make the long road better.

((((HUGS))))) I can tell from your post that all of these conversations were difficult, but also get the sense that you're feeling a measure of relief too... As hard as it is, all the cards are now on the table. Hopefully, you will be able to build from here. Even if it takes awhile, you will always know that you're doing what's best for your son. Please let us know how things go. Warm wishes heading your way...

My what a day. I am so glad that some of your extended family is more understanding. I hear more strength in your voice. Thank heavens your nephew is going to go to counseling, hopefully being able to talk with someone not emotionally involved will help him. Maybe the bmom will follow. Gosh they are at such a hard age, everything is about them, any remark, any look, as far as they are concerned is about them. The wonderful thing is we (if all goes well) only get older. Boy, you couldn't pay me to be fifteen again, yew. take care

The good news is that things are out in the open now. Also that you understand where they are in their grieving process. It's important for everyone's mental health that they not 'pretend' that this didn't happen. Denial is more than a river in Egypt, it can be very damaging to relationships long-term. Now for you, remember it's OK and natural for them to be angry, anger is fear of loss and they fear they have lost something (though it might or might not be what is obvious to you). Alos remember that anger is transient, this too shall pass. So be compassionate, while remaining firm. Yes, it's hard on everyone. In the long view, it will make things easier for everyone b/c you all understand where each other 'stands'. Hang in there. Regina

Didn't think it could get worse. Bmom is calling my other sister's kids (not the bfather's mom) (ages 16 and 14) and are telling them lies, saying I put Jaydensmommy on my AOL screen name just to get back at her (it was done a long time ago and I never even wanted her to know about it), saying I'm not living up to what I agreed to do, that I won't let her see Jayden. My sister (the one who agrees with me) told them that bmom is lying and told her how I was bending over backwards to try to accommodate them all these months. My niece didn't want to hear it (she's best friends with bmom) and thinks that I'm just being mean. My nephew told my sister that I'm not the mom (bmom - insert name) is the mom and he's gonna let Jayden know that I"m not his him. My other niece, whom I have up here due to some problems with the family, IM'd the bmom and asked her why she was saying stuff about me and she said she isn't badmouthing me. At least this niece understands that I won't lie and keep my word. I have cared for her on and off since she was 2 years old and her dad died (she doesn't get along with her stepfather). I knew I'd probably havep roblems with bfather and that sister, but not my other sister's children. I let the sister of the 16 and 14 year old know that if they are going to talk like that around Jayden it's not going to be acceptable and that if they want a relationship with Jayden they are going to have to accept the adoption and that I am his mom. I really hope all this blows over. It's really nice though to have this forum and get feedback from everyone. I really appreciate it. I'm probably just rambling now, just had to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening. Debbie

(((((Jaysensmommy))))) That's what we're here for. Sometimes you have to vent before you can broach the issues calmly in life... This is the perfect place. I really have no advice, but want you to know you have lots of support. I can tell that you have only the best intentions for everyone... I really hope that all works out, but know it may take some time...

jaydensmommy, I am glad to hear that you have the backbone to stand up for your son and do what is right even though it may not be popular. When we adopted our first son, I let my sil's take him places before I should have and it took twice as long for him to form a secure attachment. Even then they didn't understand how my situation was different from their birth children. It has taken almost 10 years for this to become a non-issue. My son was 2 1/2. I can't imagine a 7 month old being away from his mom like that. Imo children need a strong loving Mom who will take care of them and keep them safe until they trust to feel safe with other people. You are entitled to be his Mom and you are doing just that. He is the one you are obligated to, not bmom and not nephew. They have their Moms to help them. Jayden has you. Keep on with what you know is right and it will work out in the end. The birth parents are kids also and that is why you are the one raising Jayden. I hope you have some support to make the road easier within your family. If not, we are here for you.

Is there anyway to find an (open adoption) agency that will be willing to do mediation? One in their town perhaps that all of you could visit the next time you come to town. I'm sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom.

Debbie, They're teenagers, all of them. At these ages they're all 'into the drama' of things and how all adults are 'against' them. Since Jaden's bmom can't find much support amongst the adults, she's going to go wherever people will say "Omygod, I can't believe they're doing that to you it's so wrong how can you endure?" Notice the only ones she can find who will 'buy' into this are her peers. They're not sophisticated, cause-and-effect, multiple angle rational thinkers. So here's the thing. Treat them all like the children they are. When nephew says 'you're not the real mom' just smile and say 'I can understand you're confused. Maybe some day when you're older you'll undrerstand.' or similar expressions. Same for the 'unfair' comments - gee, I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe when you're older you'll understand. Or my mom's favorite comeback 'life's unfair. Deal with it.' :) Whatever you do, don't let them get a rise out of you. Don't defend on their level, arguing that you are doing what you said, even above and beyond, or who Jaden's mommy is, etc. They want to think you're mean? Good for them. If they want to argue, simply say "I love you too much to argue with you." Period. The more confident, controlled, and immaleable you are (as much as it may hurt your heart) the quicker it'll resolve and blow over. I realize this is draining. I think though like with most teen-manufactured-drama it will blow over, especially if you don't feed the drama in any way. Hang in there. Regina

Hi, Jaydensmommy. I am also going through a very very similar situation. My DS was 4 years old when I adopted him from my cousin. We did not have a counselor either (actually I have done the couseling sortof and have been asked by other family members to help her through this). I have been searching my area for a counselor familiar with open adoptions to no avail. I feel like we need a mediator. I fear that if I say things that need to be said it can be turned around to make me out to be a bad guy. Our situations sound identical except for the child's age. My DS knows who his bmom is. It is complicated, but I've really needed some support here lately. I am so glad I found this forum. I've had no one to talk to.

Hi. Just wanted to update everyone. Things are going somewhat better now. My nephew (birthfather) has gotten some counseling and continues to see his counselor who is helping him, especially dealing with his regretting the decision to put his child up for adoption. His ex-girlfriend (b-mom) is another story. She complains that she cannot see Jayden often enough yet when we are down in California (for maybe 5-7 days at a time) she will see him 15-30 minutes during the whole 5-7 days we are down in California. The lines of communication are at least open again and I have suggested that she get counseling. SHe said she will look into it but hasn't so far. Also, my other nieces and nephew (cousins of b-dad and friends of b-mom) have come around to accepting the adoption and realize that I am doing what I can to continue contact if b-mom chooses. I am probably going to visit the subject of visitations around Jayden's first birthday to revisit visitation consistency let her know that I want consistency in Jayden's life and that I don't want her bouncing in and out of his life over the years, wanting some type of commitment one way or the other and we'll hopefully go from there. Debbie