help me repair relationship

Please know that while the birthday party may seem like a totally no pressure kind of event for you, Or even for your daughter, it can be a horrible time for birthparents. No privacy. Feeling out of place in the midst all kinds of family and friends they have little contact with. dealing with all the emotions birthdays bring to birthparents. Can I ask you why you felt it to be so ideal? I think it might be a really good idea to get a mediator. It just seems that there is so much hurt and misunderstanding that it really might take an objective professional to sort this out.

It really does seem to me that these chatrooms are mostly pro-bparents. I agree that aparents are "fried crispy" as a general rule. Note that here, all the bparents jumped to the conclusion that the door was "slammed in her face," etc., when more details revealed that the aparents were always honest and direct about their discomfort with that many visits, and were acting for the best of their child. I don't think appologies by the aparents were in order at all. That being said, the advice here is good advice. Try sending letters from your daughter and see what happens. This just confirms for me again that I will not agree to more openness, even for a trial run, because you will always hurt the bparents if it doesn't work out.

Thanks for clarifying your situation. I think it shows that you were definately forthright and honest from the very beginning with your view on how open you wanted the adoption to be. Your decision to reduce the visits was based on your daughter and her well being. No one can fault you for that. As a birthmother I can tell you that the emotions are wide and varied. What makes sense in our heads doesn't always make sense in our hearts. Sometimes I want to close my adoption simply because the pain is so great and at times unbearable. And sometimes I want to close it because the aparents might say something in an email that *sounds* wierd or that irks me even though if a 3rd party read what I read they would not see that at all. Is this selfish...you betcha. And that is why every time I start to feel like that I literally have to STOP what I"m doing and think of my son. My pain and hurt is tolerable. If I caused HIM that pain and hurt...that is INTOLERABLE to me. Please be patient and gracious to them. (which it sounds to me like you are being) They are hurting and they are using the coping mechanism of "shutting down". Brenda had a great idea of suggesting a mediator. I'm not sure what will change their minds or if anything will. Which is incredibly sad because really the one that is losing out the most is your daughter. Also, wanted to respond to a comment that was made earlier. In the beginning when I chose open adoption I chose it for me, NOT necessarily for my son. Yes that's right. You can all start throwing stones at my selfishness :rolleyes: . I wanted to know my son and to watch him grow, etc. At this point...I STAY with open adoption because I want what's best for HIM. Trust me...this open adoption thing is not easy. The easy thing would be to slam the door and walk away but again...the child's needs come first. Vanda

Perception is more important than truth. That's why different people can read your post and, viewing things through their experience, have vastly different views of what happened. I would bet if your child's bparents posted here their story would read 100% different than yours. Not that either of you are lying but the way you see things are different. This causes a problem since you are trying to repair a relationship and in all honesty you don't know exactly what it is that they are so upset about. Are they upset because the changed visitation made them feel like you were phasing them out? Are they upset because they feel that they were lied to since the begining about visitation (not that you did lie to them but that is how they feel)? Are they angry because by limiting visitation in the "best interest" of the child they felt as if you were saying they didn't have her best interest at heart? Do they feel like you don't really care about them as people? Are they just angry about making the adoption plan at all and blame you for it? Did temporarily limiting visitation make them realize they didn't have any real control over the relationship except to decide to close it first? You don't really know what the real hurt is and so you can't know how to fix it. And we can spend all day speculating but it's just all a guess. Try to get into mediation so that you can all figure out what to do. Keep apologizing until they finally feel safe enough to join you to talk everything out. Instead of apologizing for a specific action be general, "I'm sorry that you're hurting. I'm sorry that I caused that. But right now OUR daughter needs all of us." This is time to be humble even if it's hard but it's for the best interest of the child. What I mean is that you will want to defend yourself. You want to remind them that theu were the ones who chose to close things completely or who decided to go along with an adoption even though you all weren't on the same page about visits. This is not the time to do that. You may be totally right but being right isn't going to fix this relationship. Try to get into mediation or group therapy to work out the past. Hopefully that can happen. And then you guys can negotiate something for the future. Of course that is the time to stand up for yourself. It sort of sounds like at the start both sides were so focused on making the adoption work that things got out of control. I think it is great that you want to repair this relationship. It is not going to be easy but I really think that all the pain will be worth it for your daughter.

You all have such great input. Last night my husband called and left a message on the phone of bmom to please check the e-mail we sent and reply...pleading more or less. But when he sent the e-mail it came back that the e-mail address was not valid. We will just keep trying to be patient and will pray that they will want to contact us again. It is interesting that someone mentioned reading too much into e-mails. I am begining to think that e-mail is really a bad idea when people are in this kind of situation. We forget how much of our communication is based on voice inflection and body language. It is so easy to misinterpret other's thoughts. Watch deaf folks as they communicate. When I am signing (ASL) to someone about 80% of the communication is based on facial expressions and movement of the body while signing and only 20% is the actual sign. Today at church I put this situation on my prayer card. It is in the hands of something greater than myself. I can only pray and hope they want to reconcile. My husband and I were talking about adoption in general yesterday and we are so blessed to have our daughter. Without adoption we probably would not be parents but I will tell you the pain I have seen and heard from birthparents has convinced me that if my daughter is ever in a situation where she is pregnant and has no where to turn she will always be able to turn to us. I never want her to hurt the way her birthmother has.

michpadams, There is pain, but there is joy. I truly feel like my son was MEANT for his parents. And that does ease the sadness that I feel. I hope that you hear from your daughter's bparents soon and that together you are able to reconnect and form a solid and stable relationship conducive to what's in the best interest for her. Vanda

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]I believe that we all look at any particular post/question from our own vantage point, even when we are trying to be objective. Consequently, in this instance bparents are more likely to be defensive of other bparents. Plenty of bparents in these forums feel like they are fried by the responses they get from aparents. I hope the original poster doesn't feel too much that way, as I don't think it has been the intent. We are trying to offer up options from a bparent view.

That said, there HAS been some good advice offered, from both views (can't remember if any adoptees have posted, not trying to leave you out).

As far as more open-ness, I can't address that from a bparent view. I am not the parent in the open adoption I am involved in. I can say that I think the bparents will be hurting one way or another, so I guess trying to look at it from the perspective of the best interest of the child IS the best way. [/FONT]

Well, I totally commend you for being upfront right from the beginning about contact. Even as a bmom myself, I think every month for 18 years is WAY WAY to much, although possible. I visit my parents at least once a month, and they're divorced, so multiply that by 2... Sometimes (okay most the time) its not fun, but I do it anyway. However birthparent visits ARE more emotional than visits with your parents, and though similar relationships, they are also very different. Being as up front as you were, they did have the opportunity to say no, we'll find other ap's who will be comfortable with that, but they continued to match with you. Now years later, there's issues. They may be hurt about the rules changing. Maybe they felt that since it was that wya for a year or four, that it would forever stay that way. When you decided on less contact, were they aware that it was coming? Did they have lots of warning and time to prepare themselves for that? If to them it was a sudden event, I then agree with Jenna and Brandy, that they may fear the door being shut again. If not, then I agree more with Regina that it's time for them to grow up. I think you should contact the agency social worker that works with bparents and see if she will, on your behalf, talk to the bp's. Maybe she will also have some advice for you on how to go about rebuilding the relationship after talking to the bmom. Good luck and best wishes.

I am glad that I read more of your story :) ... At this point, you are doing all that you can do. Sorry that the email came back. I think the phone is the best thing that you can do at this point. Just keep trying and I will be praying for the birthparents. I am sure they are just going through a hard time right now. Bless their hearts... :( Vanda... You are an awesome birthmom.. I have been reading your posts the last few days. Just wanted you to know that... :D Cathy.. :)

I have thought a lot about this post over the last day as this post touches a personal note for me. I really do think that the only way you are going to get through to them is if you deal with their pain. Trying to convince the bparents that the child needs them is likely to fail. The bparents very likely knew the score before you wrote them. They most certainly want to see their child and they most certainly want what is best for their child deep down. That hasn't been enough to get them to contact you. Even if you get lucky and they contact your daughter - then what? As I said before, I think you need to approach them with a real understanding. It is a bit hard to describe, but it is almost as if you need to approach them as if your daughter didnt need them now. Apologizing rings hollows given you need them for your daughter. It can come off that you are simply using them for your daughter's sake and that might just push them farther away. It is really hard to read into your feelings towards the bparents based on a few paragraphs and your tone in your comments can simply be a reaction to the comments you have received. However, it doesn't appear that you understand yet (I could be wrong). There are things I didnt hear you say. Also, I see too much, "I did what I thought was in the best interest of the child and I am not going to apologize for that" attitude. If you can't connect to them and if you are just using them for your daughter's benefit then it might be best to just leave them alone because all you are going to do is cause them more pain. It is always said that the child comes first. However, a bparent's pain (or an aparents pain) is just as real as a child's as they are just as much of a person as a child. I know many will disagree with me, but I dont subscribe to the notion that the best interest of the child is the only consideration, it is just the primary one. Please let me ask you - would you have contacted them if your daughter didn't need them now? Would you have tried to ease their pain? Again, I am coming at this from a very personal angle and I could be very wrong because of it. However, I do know that if the aparents of my child had contacted me and let me know they understood and that they cared I would have contacted my son immediately. I know exactly what they would have had to say and it would have only taken a few lines. Note - they wouldn't have had to apologize for anything. They would have had to just understand. I hope I am making sense.

I totally agree with David on this one. It would be a very rare case indeed where placement was done purely for the sake of the child. Birth parents are just people, not saints, and some of us can barely be called grown ups, despite our age. Likewise, I cannot think of many adoptive families that have adopted because a child needs a home. They adopt because they want a child. There are definitely selfish elements to it, and to deny them and say it is all about the child is not beneficial to anyone. Frankly, if I was those birth parents, no way would I have placed with that family, knowing how they felt about the frequency of visits. Likewise, if I was trying to adopt, there is no way I would have matched with those birth parents, knowing that their needs were so much more than I was willing to fulfil. That situation was ripe for disaster from the get go. But, now it is what it is. One of the most frequent things I have read from unhappy birth mothers shortly after placement is "before placement the adoptive parents were so attentive, but now that they have my baby they do not care about me at all". My own wife said this, and we have a good relationship with our son's family. While the child is indeed the most important thing, the birth parents need validation as people and not just as a means to an end also. It is not a healthy start to a relationship, and needs to be addressed.

Cathy ....thank you so much! It is so funny because I was JUST about to go to the "I want to share" thread and post about what an AWESOME amom you are. Everything I read in your posts is so compassionate and caring you stick up for bparents AND aparents alike. In the "I want to share" thread, the way that you talked about your birthfamilies actually made me cry. I am in constant awe of how much most of the aparents I've come across LOVE their bfamilies and desperately desire contact with them. You are awesome Cathy!!!!!!! Thank you so much! Vanda

Vanda... Thank you so much...You made me cry... :( You seem like such a sweet women. I want my kids to always know they have their OTHER family... It is WAY too important to me... I am just in tears right now.. It feels so nice when a first mom thinks an Adoptive is doing something well... Thank you for your post... Cathy :D

I think you are truly reaching out to the bparents. Open adoption IS for the sake of the child NOT the bparents or aparents! You and your husband have gone above and be on in trying to establish and maintain a relationship with your daughters bperents-what you and your husband did WAS for the emotional safety of your child and IMHO they should have respected that decision. Knowing that you are trying to be open; and they are rejecting not only their relationship with you but with the child as well-is this an example of being a parent?? Ask yourself this question, and then be at peace with the effort that you've made and the CHOICE that they chose.

have you told you daughter that you cut her nmom off?