I don't know what to do

Hugs hun! I am sure deep down your mom thinks of you as her baby and wants the best for you. But only you can decide that. I would recommend seeking out local support, a OB GYN should be able to recommend resources for you. Or a minister. Hugs Diane

Hi Kathy,

I am sorry that you are in a situation where you arent getting support from your family.

There are many people on this board who will share their journeys and advice. The thing to keep in mind is that this is your life and you must do what is best for you.

First and foremost this is your baby there is nothing that his family nor your family can do to prevent an adoption. THEY JUST DONҔT HAVE ANY LEGAL RIGHTS.

That being said if the birthfather is in support of you placing the baby in a good home then by all means do what you need to do to take care of you and your daughter, if that means placing her for adoption then by all means do so.

As an adoptive mother I know for a fact that anyone who places their baby in the arms of another family is doing so out of love. If anyone tells you any different feel free to have them contact me.

It is very possible that your mom may be thinking that she may never see this baby again which is why she may giving you so much resistance.

Have you considered what type of adoption you might want?

I am very big advocate of bmoms. If you decide that is the route that you would like to go I would like to help you establish a list of questions so that you can screen adoptive families and agencies.

I am sure that by know you have heard how wonderful adoption can be. If you choose open adoption you can continue to have a relationship with your childs adoptive family. Granted with everything there are some risks and sometimes the adoptive families close the door in most instances the adoptive family keeps their promises.

We have a great relationship with our daughters birth mom as a matter of fact I took our daughter to see her Bmom in Houston last Friday. H is a college student and this next semester is going to be a bear. She is president of the National Honor Society, she has an internship with a Senator, will work and do volunteer work.

H has told us that open adoption has been the perfect solution for her because she can follow her dreams and still enjoy occasional visits with our daughter along with a monthly update informing her of what Star is up to. We have a couple of different web sites so H can see what our daughter Star is up to any time day or night. Not all adoptive families will agree to do this but you can certainly ask.

I am sure that right now your head is spinning. Take your time making your decision.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND IT IS YOUR DECISION TO MAKE.

I want you to know that I have no motive other than to help you gain as much information possible so that you can make the best decision possible for yourself. I want to be the soft spot that you might need to lean on as you make your decision.

I want to be here to give you some support and help you so that you won't feel so alone. You are probably under alot of pressure and feeling like everyone around you wants something or wants to tell you what to do with your life.

I am a neutral party with big ears and lots of hugs. If my daughter were in your situation I would want someone to reach out to her.

Please take care and know that you are not alone.

If you click on Big Dreamer then you can send me a private message. We can talk off line about anything that you want to talk about and I will send you my e-mail address so we can stay in touch.

Kiss that sweet baby and tell her that a lady in Texas is thinking of her.

By the way what day in April was your daughter born? Mine was April 08, 2003.

Take care and lots of hugs,

Maria

HI Kathy :) I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this stress. I am 22 and think that is a ton of stress. It sounds like you are doing whats best for the baby, and like others have said you are the ones that make that decision. I also think an open adoption is the best. I would like to be a kinda sounding board for you you can IM me or PM me. Hugs to you both. Jaim'e

Hi there, I've been in what would be considered a good open adoption with plenty of contact for 14 years. But in all honesty my only advice is: - keep hold of your baby and don't go down the adoption road. The pain of the my child's loss has never gone away and you have to deal with the aparents who may not want to be so open years down the track. (even though they will promise you the world but even they don't know how they will feel in five or 10 years. ) In most country's the aparents can close the adoption if they choose - they have total legal control. It's tough to parent but it is tougher to live with the pain of losing a child. Yes the child is not dead but there will always be a huge hole in your heart that nothing can fill....hang in there and parent - it is a great experience and make sure you get as much as help possible from social service etc to help you parent. lol banjo

I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru.. but know that many of us are here to help you.. As other posters have said, it is up to you and the bio dad to decide what is best.. your mom may want you to keep the baby, but it is not her choice.. I would look at all avenues if I were you.. look at what is available in your area to help you raise the baby.. see if any of those things make you feel comfortable enough with raising the baby.. if not and you are sure about adoption then start talking with families and finding one that you really connect with. Find a family that you believe has the values you want and will provide the kind of life you want for your child.. I know that some that have placed a child have said not to.. but again.. this is YOUR choice and not all circumstances or feelings are the same.. We happen to be adoptive parents that were very belssed to find bio parents that not only wanted more for thier son, but are also a couple that we love very much and have a fully open adoption with. They were 28 and 33 when they palced thier son.. they had some family supportive of the plan and others that wanted them to keep the baby.. but they felt in the end that they wanted to place him for many of the reasons you said.. I would encourage you also to start looking for families now.. that way you will have time to bond with them, get to know them etc.. I know that with "j" she said that she needed to find the perfect family in order to be comfortable with her plan.. I have heard this from many other bio families and so starting soon may help.. it may also help you to fully realize if adoption is really what you want.. before we matched with "J" we had been talking with another bio mom (we were actually matched with her for a few months) and although we really got along well and we were her main support system.. they closer it got and the more she thought about placing the more she realized she needed to parent.. we also supported that decision and it really was the best on for her.. Please feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to.. good luck Mandy

I'm sory that you have this stress. I'm sure that your mother is just doing this out of love, but she doesn't realize that the more louder she screams the more you won't listen to her. I'm so sorry she kicked you out. To me kicking out a child because they choose adoption is on par with kicking out a person who chooses to keep the child. She should be trying to support you and if she disagrees with your decision then she should try to convince you through love instead of intimidation. As others have said, it is up to you. But I want to make clear that whatever decision you make is going to change your life. I once heard a great speaker talking about crisis pregnancies who said that once that test turns positive things are going to be different. If you choose abortion, adoption or parenting your life will be different. There is no choice that is going to make things go back to the way they were. You are going to be a mother. Weather you parent or not is another issue. Only you can make that decision. I have no idea how old your mother is but it's likely she lived in a time where parents of single women who got pregnant threw them out. Adoption, back then, as seen as a way of hiding the secret. Thank goodness times have changed. But maybe your mother still has these negative views of adoption or is overcompensating to let you know you don't have to do this. Is there anyone in who can serve as a 3rd party mediator. Someone who can sit down between the two of you and let each of you speek your piece and come to a middle ground. Or at least come to a level of peace so that this doesn't destroy your relatioship. I will keep you two in my thoughts.

hi there, I forgot to add that your baby wants to be with you...don't forget that she/he does not want to be handed over to strangers. but it is your decision and if you feel you can't parent then be ready for an emotional rollercoaster future. It's hard think about and missing your bchild on a daily basis...best of luck

Kathy, First, I think what your mom is doing, as misguided as it may seem, is being done out of love. She doesn't want to see you hurt, or taken advantage of, and she doesn't want to 'lose' her grandchild-to-be. Adoption is scary, especially for those who were brought up in the old closed-adoption era. Having said that, she is right about some things. Ask any birthmom on this board if placing has been easy and they will tell you it is not. It is very painful, and the pain may or may not go away. Some will tell you they regret their decision, others will tell you they don't. That's based I think on their personal situations more than the specific act of choosing to not parent and placing. Your mother wishes to spare you that pain, and spare herself the loss that she will experience. I would suggest first that you and she consider some counseling from an unbiased source. Second, consider what level of openness you want in an adoption situation, if you do indeed still choose to make a plan, and introduce that to your mother as well. I'd talk with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight (google it) and ask her thoughts. She is an adoption educator and a birthmom in an open adoption. Legally, she, your father, any one other than yourself and this child's biological father have no rights. They cannot legally prevent you from placing your child with adoptive parents. It's tough though to not have their support for they are the people who love you most. HTH, best of luck. Regina

Kathy.. Even though legally your mother has no right to make this decision, it is still something that will affect your family very much. Yes, it is your baby, but it is her grandchild, your brother's neice..a part of your family. And some people do feel that family belongs with family and losing a part of the family is wrong and they do what ever they can to make it stop. I can't agree with her kicking you out as it makes you more vunerable to adoption, but it sounds like she is pretty desperate. Honestly, if there is a way to keep your baby, and it soundslike you would have family support, then I would strongly advise to do that. The things that you can't give your baby NOW are things that she does NOT care about and won't for many years. What she will care baout now is you, feeling you, smelling you, hearing you. Parenting is not about who can give a baby the best crib bedding and cool toys..really, those things don't matter. It's about loving, and being there, and accepting and nurturing..and if you even think you can do those things..then when that baby is placed in your arms..you will want nothing more than to be able to do that. And she will be the greatest influence for you to want to get all that great stuff that you feel your life is lacking now. And it won't matter if you don't have it all by the time she is 5, darn kids learn great life lessons about working hard and being responsible from seeing their parents do it everyday for years ..and are able to take those shills unto their own lifes as hardworking responsible adults. No matter what..once that little girl is born..your life is over as you know it. You are changed whether you keep her or not..you are a mother. And if you think you love her now...get ready for what it feels like after the birth. WHen you just want to hold her and stare at her little face forever..remember your mother wants it too..and give in to love and motherhood. You'll never look back and wish you hadn't. The same cannot be said about giving her up. There is much more joy from being up all night with a little one even if they are crying their fool heads off, then being up all night crying yourself and aching to hold that little one. There is much more joy having to miss out on fun since your home with a baby then being able to go out and feeling all hollow and empty inside, wondering why nothing is fun anymore, and wishing you were alone so you could just stop pretending to be OK and be able to sob in peace. Your mom is trying to save you from one of the worst pains around. Ask any of the new moms around her if the reality of it is anything like they imagined it would be. Ask how it feels to know that you really didn't have to place your baby, that you could have done it, but didn't for some reason. Don't deny yourself the joy of your child because you're locking heads with mom, or because you don't that the baby needs you, or that you feel unworthy to be a good mother. You don't have to be pefect, just willing..your daughter will never know the difference, but you will the rest of your life. Sorry..I'd just rather see moms keep their babies. Claud

Claud, I wish I'd found your posts before I placed my daughter. Nicole

Claud, I loved your post and wish I could have written it. Kitkat: Can you come to some agreement with your mother so that she is there to help you and also provides lots of free baby sitting so you can still have a life? I wish this forum existed when I was pregnant. I'd have never gone through with my adoption plan after reading posts from bmothers and adoptees.

Claud.. Absolutely beautiful :)

::Blushing:: Aww..thank you

Honestly, Claud.... You should print out your post and leave it outside adoption agencies, lawyer's offices, obstetrician practices, and maternity clothes stores. (Ha. Bet they'd all love that...) I can't tell you how I felt, reading it. That is the closest I've ever seen anyone capture the feelings of life post-placement in words. It was beautiful: beautifully written, but more than that, beautiful because it was so truthful. No one tells us these things. Thank you.