What do you say when people ask...

This is just my opinion, but to me, once they join your family, they ARE siblings, just like you ARE their mom. Their biological relationship is no one's business. If someone asks if they are twins, I would simply reply, "no, they are four (or however many) months apart" in a polite, but firm tone that implies that you will not elaborate. People's rudeness will never cease to amaze me... Kelly

I guess you could always go with "pretty much" or "just about" and just smile and wander off. That way you don't have to explain anything to anyone. Most people are to polite to turn around and say "how can you be just about twins" or even "huh?" and will just look a bit baffled while you make your getaway... ;)

Make it easy, people outside your immediate family don't need to know the whole story as it isn't any of their business. Just say "yes", smile and leave it at that. When people get intrusive about my children, I politely tell them, "That is my children's story to tell, they may tell whom they wish. But they don't talk to strangers." :)

I get this constantly as well-At first I used to go into the whole explanation- No they are not twins- they are one week apart- But you know- now if it is just a passerby someone whom we will never see again- Sometimes now I just say "yes" quickly to the twins question and move on. When ROsy and Jonathan were babies I did not mind so much all of the questions- Now I do not like it because people ask right in front of them and I think it is not so good at this age of three where they don't yet fully understand what "adopted" means anyway but are probably wondering why everyone is always asking questions about them- I just wish they would not ask me infront of them. To the question about are they "real brothers and sisters" I usually do reply "Well they are now!" And that usually ends it- I like that response but am not as comfortable with the twins question- When I answer that with correct answers I get so many follow-up questions which is what I do not like. I really don't mind talking about our adoption to anyone- but not in front of my children constantly- that is what I think is rough- Maybe I will feel more comfortable with them hearing it all when I think they fully understand. Good thread. Margie

Howdy, I agreed with almost all of what you said in your post, but I can't say I see the connection between an innocuous question about a child's general preferences (you used the food example) and someone asking for very personal information about the child, including adoption. Just as I would never casually mention that "our little one is a bed-wetter" to a stranger or acquaintance, so I would similarly tend to keep our family's other personal information private. They just don't need to know, if you ask me. On a similar note, I often do not choose to share that I am a birthmom. Not because I'm ashamed of my life or my choices, but because that fact is not my defining characteristic. It's a part of me and always will be, but there are so many other things that make me who I am. JMHO, of course.

Ok...I get all of these questions. I have 4 adopted kids...10yo ds and 8yo dd, ds, & dd. Yep, 3 8yos! March, May, & July. The 10yo and one of my 8yo daughters are the same size. The other 2 8yos are the same size. They are OBVIOUSLY not full biological siblings...one is cc, one is romany, one is african, and one is asian! And to top it off I am a single mom. Are they twins (triplets, quads)?...no, just close in age and size Are they siblings?...absolutely, just ask them. Are they your REAL children?...no, they are my pretend children. I only take the REAL ones out for Sunday services. By now, most people get the idea and either ask intelligent and relevant questions about adoption because they are interested or... No, I meant are you their REAL mother... OHHHH....you are trying to ask in a very obtuse way if I adopted or gave birth to my children. Yes, they are adopted. However, I have a 20yo daughter that I gave birth to. Would you like all the gorely details of her premature cesarian birth and my extremely diffucult pregnancy? Usually stems the tide of less than tactful questons!

I do not have any experience with adopting internationally, however I am a foster mom of 3 young children, all of which are under 3 years old. The oldest, Ethan, will be 3 next month and his adoption will be final in 10 days. The other 2 are sisters, the oldest (Jaz) is 6 months younger than Ethan and the youngest (Lily) is 18 months. Ethan is fair skinned and blonde and the girls are of American Indian/Mexican decent, so they are olive skinned and dark hair. Anyway, believe it or not, I get these same questions all the time. "Are they Tripplets?" "Are they all yours?" "Are they related?" I even get "You must run a daycare!" The girls look like they could be my bio children. I am also olive skinned and dark hair, so if I just have them with me, I don't get as many questions, but when I am by myself with all 3, it seems like everyone asks. My husband and I used to always tell people that they are all foster kids. People would always say how wonderful we are for taking them in, which always makes us fell uncomfortable. We wanted to have a family together and since I can't have children, we became foster parents to adopt. Ethan is our first adoption and we are hoping to adopt both girls and their 6 month old brother, too. After reading all of your posts about these questions, I think that we should be answering these questions differently. It really is none of thier business if they are foster, adopted, or whatever. We are taking care of them and are the only parents they know. So I think as long as we are all living in one house together we are a family and that makes them brothers and sisters!:)

I am a single mom with an almost 4 year old adopted daughter. She is olive skinned, brown hair and big brown eyes. I, on the other hand am extremely pale, bolnde and blue eyes. When I get the "Is she your daughter" questions, I always respond yes. When they then comment that she looks nothing like me, I always respond with "Yes, but boy she acts just like me!" It is a quick, poilte, funny way to end the conversation. Kay Mom to Anna B 4/1/01 A 4/8/03 and waiting for #2!

I absolutely love that answer!!!!

NewMommy, I love that you see yourself, your husband and all your children (foster and otherwise) as a family. Our youngest son was in a fosterhome in Guatemala with one other baby before we brought him home. We were fortunate enough to meet the other baby's mother here in the state we live in! I love that he has that connection to his life in Guatemala. And we always tell him that she is his fostersister. It's just refreshing to hear that you feel the same way! Thanks for your comments! Kim

When people ask me if my youngest are "mine" I reply with yes, they are. When asked if they are brothers and sisters and if they share the same birthmom and birth father, I reply with yes, they do. They are full siblings. All my kids are!! :) I guess it all depends on how deep you want to get into it with people about your adoption. In our case, even my adopted children look like us, which was truly an accident...we asked for mixed race..<shrug>

Hi, I have a daughter and a son who are three months apart. When they were little I would get the "are they twins?" alot. I just said, "no, just close in age" Sometimes I would explain a bit more, but I don't think it's healthy for my kids to hear "no, this one is adopted" They are mine and they are not twins. I know it is hard to find a good response to this question.

We are adopting a sibling group of 3 children, ages 6, 7, and 9. They were placed with us 3 months ago. Our children are Mexican-American, so people always ask where they are from (Chicago), do they speak English (yes), do I speak Spanish (yes), and then are they siblings. They have a very strong identity as siblings, so I just say yes to that. Then come the amazing questions. "Are they full siblings?" "What do you know about their parents?" etc. I find either a breezy or a clipped (depending on the situation), "Oh, I don't discuss that sort of thing with people," gets people in line, but nicely. Since we're adopting from foster care, we also get the "Oh, you must be saints," line of rhetoric, which I know people mean kindly and sincerely. It just is so not true. Thank goodness, no one has said that in front of our children.

Hi, I am one of three kids, all of us are adopted. The eldest is Caucasian while my sister and I are Asian, I am mixed race. There is only 3 months difference between my sister and I and we were adopted in the 70's. From the beginning my parents were open about our adoption, not just with us kids, but people in general. Up until my sister and I were about 7 yrs it was constantly asked "are they twins", my parents response was no, I can remember times when we would answer ourselves saying no. Additional information was not always added, just left at no. In my experience this has not had any negative effect on our relationship. She's my sister. Adoption has always been openly discussed in our family, our parents told us everything they knew about where we came from etc, but at the end of the day we knew we were a family. For me, age difference/race has not had any bearing on how I relate to my sister because we were raised as sisters, we werent disciplined or loved with distinction, it was equal, taking into account of course our very different personalities :). IҒm glad my parents were open about my being adopted, for me I found reassurance in it. Had my parents not done so, I think then I would have had some issues, but thats only my perspective which can only be based on my experience and the circumstances resulting in my being adopted.

Hollis, Thanks so much for your reply! I benefit so much as an adoptive parent each time I read a response from an adoptee. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever do a good job raising our children and it is often time responses like yours that help me to see that it can be done! Thank you! Kim