What do I do???

We're grieving 2 months ago by pure accident, I met this woman online who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. The family at that time she was going with wanted closed, however, the birth mom decided she wanted to do an open adoption, which Kevin and I discussed we'd like to do too. We wanted whatever a mom whom is pregnant wanted. We would do a closed adoption if a birthmom wanted to. After a couple of weeks of talking to her and convincing Kevin this would be a great thing (we chose to do older children) we met with her, went to every doc. Appt., did all the shopping. She was induced on January 20th; however, the baby just wasnt coming so they went in and did a c-section. These next three days turned our lives upside down. Because it was a c-section, only one of us was allowed in the delivery room. James and I waited patiently, but excitedly for 45 minutes. Kevin was in the room waiting for the birth of our new son. Baby was born a gorgeous 6 lbs, 20 inches long. He screamed like any other baby which was a good sign of no drugs (sheҒs an NA) her placenta was drying up, which caused him to loose nutrients and weight while he was inside of her. We went to the hospital the following day so mom and baby could rest. When we arrived the following day, he was hooked up to tubes and monitors. I panicked. Whats wrong with my son I asked? He just has slow breaths, nothing to worry about. We left the hospital and came back to Phoenix on the 21st. We needed to give mom time to say goodbye to baby. We went to the hospital on Sunday to check out mom and baby. Mom was telling us that baby woke up Friday night at midnight screaming and she couldnҒt do anything to stop him. He was having complications. His lungs were not fully developed, they had a chopper ready to air vac him to another hospital. I was furious that I wasnt informed of this. However, the hospital canҒt tell us anything because were not legally his parents yet. She said as they got him ready to go, something happened. He did a whole 180 and was now breathing better and on his own! What a miracle baby he is!! Baby was doing much better. When I went to his room that first morning when he was on machines, his heart rate was dropping, but whenever I talked to him it went very high! Mom even put him on the phone so we could talk to him when we came back home and he smiled! J We were supposed to sign papers that night, but mom informed us that she would like to take a couple of days to say her goodbyes. As chocked up as we were, we had no choice. ArizonaҒs law is that they cant sign for at least 72 hours, and yes, it was 72 hours, she has the right to keep him until she is ready. So, we let them go and we went home. Monday afternoon the agency calls. They say that they want her to see a psychologist before she signs the papers to make sure that she is fully aware of what sheҒs doing because she has bi-polar. I actually suggested this to them a couple of weeks prior but they didnt do anything about it. I was really just looking out for momҒs best interest, not ours. We couldnt find one to take her on Tuesday which put off our signing. Kevin was gone and when he came home, I was in the office. He walks in asks me for a hug (nothing unusual, weҒve been consoling each other a lot these past few days) but the moment I stood up, my knees started to shake my stomach felt ill. I had to sit down. I knew something wasnt right. Mom called Kevin and said sheҒs keeping the baby! Their phone call was about 2 minutes long. She wasted no time to say so! The agency went to her house last week to work out a parenting plan. We hoped this would have changed her mind, but it didnt. She has NO support from her family! They are all furious with her decision! Her reason was because things just got too complicated and maybe it wasnҒt meant to be. Funny because thats what IҒm always saying, but Ive heard that a few times this week and I want to smack every person that says that. I just lost my son! ItҒs not meant to be!! She has a 5 year old daughter in Texas and shes been promising her that sheҒs moving to be with her. She gave custody a few years ago to her aunt. Shes on probation for selling drugs. SheҒs ordered to stay in a rehab house and her transfer may not go through for 6 months. She has to pay the house $500.00 a month off of her $600.00 a month job and still try to provide for Ian. She has no vehicle, nothing! She doesnt qualify for food stamps or anything because sheҒs a felon, however, Ian does qualify for wic and ahcess. The rehab house is for children too, and they help each other out with day care and other things. Im wondering how sheҒs going to tell her daughter that shes not going to Texas. Her sweet little girl already blames herself that she has to give her son up. Where she lives, there are not many jobs she can get with her probation, let alone make a lot. How will she pay for diapers, clothing and all the things he needs? What if he has bi-polar too? What happens when heҒs not a new born anymore? Im so concerned! Her mom says the rehab house is like totally GEHTTO- lol those are their words. Mom was very careful in interviewing and shopping with us. Her son had to be with wealthy parents and have only the best! Well, she got her wish, but why she changed her mind, we donҒt know. It hurts so much because mom and I became close. Close like friends. We trusted each other completely! What makes us so mad is that we went this far with her, we brought our 10 year old son into this (btw, we havent told him yet, weҒre telling him on Sunday night after he gets back from his dads) Kevin and I are grieving so badly right now. Weve discussed our feelings and have become so close these past few days. Part of us feels like weҒre the birth parents because we know hell be calling someone else mom and dad, someone else will see his first step and everything! The other part of us feels like heҒs dead. We feel we need to have a proper burial for him, and lay him to rest. There has not been a night that I havent cried. I can get through some days okay. Writing this is me starting to let go. If she comes to us at anytime, weҒll take him with no questions asked! We love him like he is our own son and thats what makes this all hurt so much! IҒm still wearing the bracelet that allows me to go into the nursery. I wrote her an email letting her know that were not mad at her. Angry and hurt, which I hope she understands and we want to remain in contact with her, but itҒll just hurt too much. We hope that well be the first one she contacts if she canҒt do it anymore! Now, were trying to move on and will be searching for another child. Newborn, toddler, older. Boy, girl, siblings. Open, Closed, semi.. We donҒt mind, we just want to have more children. Were returning what we can tomorrow and Sunday night weҒll sit down with James and tell him. Hes going to hurt so badly! HeҒs been waiting and so excited for him to come home! At least 3 times a day he asks when hes coming home. He didnҒt leave the nursery window; he fed him, made his bedroom into a nursery and wow! So much more!! Well be saying goodbye to the son that was never really ours. ______________