Discipline for Lying

February 10, 2005

I have a 5-yr. old (about to be 6) pre-adoptive child. She has been with me for almost 6 months now. She has a problem with lying. I first noticed it when she lied to a teacher at school about some coloring pictures she took from the teacher. The teacher got her to tell the truth and talked to her about it. I also had a talk with her and told her it wasn't good to lie and the more she did it people would not believe anything she said. Of course I said other things too, but nothing seems to help.

She has been lying at home also. She will do something and say she didn't do it, but most of the time her sister will tell on her so I will know she did it. She will also bother things that don't belong to her and say she didn't break them or move them, but I will know she did because it wasn't like that until she bothered it. When she is caught in a lie she will cry. I have to ask her at least 2 or 3 times before I get the truth and sometimes I still don't get the truth, but know that she is lying.

The foster mother she previously lived with had told me she lies to get out of things and will always say "I didn't do it." She told me you can be looking straight at her doing something and you ask her why she did it and she will lie and say she didn't, even when you saw her do it.

Not watching TV is not a discipline because she doesn't watch a lot of TV. I was told by the agency that she was diagnosed in 2003 with Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

I have tried putting her to bed early when she lies, but that doesn't do any good, she still continues to lie. Is there some other discipline I could use to get her to stop lying? I do not want her to grow up lying. I'm hoping I can break her out of this now while she is young. Any advice you can give would be helpful.

mrsred

February 11, 2005

We have a pre-adopt 5 year old son that also has the problem of lying, and blaming others for things he has done. We went through a quick phase where we blamed everything he did wrong on the ghost. After the ghost locked one of our cats in a very confined space it got thrown out of the house. So then when he would say the ghost did it I said No, that couldn't be, because Mommy threw the ghost out of the house, remember? The he would say "Then its all my fault?" I think with ours there are two main factors. One is that in his foster home he was not held accountable for anything. There were two other foster boys, but he was quite obviously the favored one and the other two were made his scape goats. the other is that he is afraid that if I know that he did the bad thing I won't love him anymore. So, when he does something wrong and tries to blame it on someone else (like the cat) I calmy say "No, I know that the cat did not write on the wall, you did. Now you can come and help Mommy clean it up." I try not to make a big deal out of the lie itself, just let him know that I know the truth. I figure if I know the truth, and he obviously knows the truth there is no point in making a big deal out of lying. Its like when a child swears. If you make a big deal about it you know they are going to do it again just to get the rise out of you. So, when she lies, and you know that she is lying try just saying "No, this is what happened.......", then deal with the issue. If she made a mess, she cleans it up, if she broke something she deals with the consequecne. Trying to get her to admit to the truth, especially if she is oppositional defiant is jsut going to make he deny it more.

Here is a good example. Today our pre-a son wasat the table doing his preschool "homework". He wrote on the table with a pencil, and when I walked into the kitchen said "Look Joseph (bio son) wrote on the table". I said "No, Joseph is at school. You wrote on the table. Here is the wash cloth, you can clean it off." Then he tried to say that the cat wrote on the table! I said "No, cats can't write with pencils. Go ahead and clean up your mess." If lying doesn't achieve anything, because they can't fool you, make you mad or get someone else in trouble they will stop because there is no pay off. When E first moved in with us he lied several times a day about things like this. Now it is really pretty rare.