things to consider

Sorry you feel that way. And I am sorry that you are having to take care of one of them.. Some of us don't have a choice in when we will become parents. I tried having children with my husband when I was 30. I didn't become a mom until I was 36. I am 39, don't look my age and I am in great shape and have alot of energy. I have more energy than alot of people in their 20's. Please don't be upset with my post. Just wanted to give my side since I will be 40 next year... Take care, Cathy

I understand that your personal experiences led you to your feelings on this issue. However, I don't think it's right to "warn" or "caution" anyone of any age against having children. For instance, I think 17 is too young to have a family and yet you did it and seemed to work just fine for you. So who am I to warn anyone against having a family at such a young age? Goes both ways, you know? Maybe your kids will grow up thinking "gosh, I wish my parents were older and "looked" more like "real parents" do. I'm not saying they will, just making the same point that you have made but flip flopping it basically. No one's life is guaranteed. My parents were young when I was born. And they both died in my 20's. I'm just thankful I had the time I did with them and was able to take care of them. Wouldn't have mattered if they were 50 or 80. My peers weren't dealing with that at the same time I was but some of them are now. I don't see what difference it makes when you lose a parent because it's horrible at any age. I wouldn't have grieved less had I been 40 when my parents died. JMO, Crick

Nowadays most expectant mothers who voluntarily relinquish their children to adoption carefully select the parents that they want for their children, probably parents who are in a situation the birthparents would like to be in when they (bps) hope to actually parent in the future. I have two good friends who are the "babies" of sibling groups of nine... their parents are much older, in fact, their oldest siblings are old enough to be their parents, technically. These people wouldn't change anything about their family situations. I had a boyfriend in high school who was ashamed because his parent were "old" (he was the youngest and there was a ten year age gap between his next older sibling). His parents were active and healthy and involved in his schooling- I don't think that today he harbours bad feelings toward his parents - they certainly gave him everything, including attention and love -- my mom was relatively young (23 when she had me) and I was ashamed because we were poor and lived in public housing -- many kids have issues with their parents because that is the nature of some people, especially when they are school age. I am sorry for your pain, and I think "older" parents need to consider their own health and lifestyle needs when choosing to adopt (as should all ages of parents)... but most adoptive parents today do consider these questions. Even if it doesn't occur to them, they are often forced to face these questions in their homestudy. It is sad that your parents may die before your children get to know them. My favorite uncle died very young - in his forties -- when he was in a horrible car accident - not his fault. Unfortunately, he had very little life insurance or other savings to assist his wife and children after his death. He didn't really think he needed it, because he was so young. Crick is right - anything can happen to anyone at any time. The best parents try their best to meet the needs of their children and to limit their children's pain. That is probably what most birthmothers are doing when they choose to place their children (and also when they choose to parent their children). I do think it is especially hard to deal with young ones while caring for unhealthy or elderly parents... actually, that is often the situation that "older parents" find THEMSELVES in, so maybe you and your mother can find some common ground on which to empathize with one another. At least you have the gift of SIBLINGS, so that maybe you can share the burden of caring for your mother and grieve together when you need to. As far as your children remembering their grandparents in a certain way, maybe YOU can help with that. You can't turn back time, but you can bring out pictures and stories from when your parents were young and help them construct a more complete portrait of the person your mother was/is. This is the kind of thing I am going to have to do for my children so they can know about MY grandparents, who are gone but who I was very close to and had a great influence on my life. Are you searching for your birth family? Do you have an extended family in your community (church members, coworkers/mentors, neighbors) that can also be in your life for love and support? While no one can change the past and replace the love you feel for your parents, no one can experience too much love in thier lives, so maybe your children will have other chances to build positive grandparent/grandchild relationships. Good luck to you, and thank you for sharing your perspective. D.

Hi I guess my story is a lot different. I am the oldest of five, my mom had me when she was 16. My grandmother gave birth to my mother when she was 15. My grandmother had 10 kids. So she was still having babies after I was born, imagine that, haha! My grandmother was only 31 years old when I was born. I am now 41 years old, my mom is 57, and grandmother is 72 I believe. I am adopting a 15 month old baby girl in the very near future. I had all my kids young also, and I had a rough time financially raising them for a lot of years. Now I am much better off financially, and I am very much settled and more patient. I believe I will be a better parent this time around because I have had plenty of experience. I have four bio children and one step son. Actually this is the first child I have really prepared for in advance! My mom and grandmother are still young enough to be around for a long time too! I don't look or act my age either, I am a big kid at heart, haha! My favorite thing is to get down on a child's level and play right along with them. I love coloring books, play dough and tea parties. I hope my baby girl won't be embarrased because of my age, most kids find something to become embarrased about regardless. Your friend in Jesus! Kelly