Throwing my voice out into the void

Thanks for all the support and ideas, everyone. You're helping to keep me somewhat sane.... Still scared of taking anti-depressants, even though logically I know you are all right, that it just lifts the fog enough for me to be able to work on the core issues. Had a long talk with my mom last night, and that helped me see something: I'm scared of healing from this. I'm scared to let my anger about the adoption go, because I'm afraid that then I'll be "selling out." I'm afraid the adoption industry will be able to point at me and say, "See, adoption IS a wonderful thing, she healed, her daughter got a great life, and her daughter's parents got a baby... Win, win, win." And honestly, I don't believe all that anymore. I believe adoption is happening too often and that many women are placing for the wrong reasons.... So if I let my anger go, if I heal from this, am I selling out? Is it possible to heal and still say, "I regret placing Marie, and it sucks that it happened, and there are things wrong with adoption practices today"???? Will I still have a voice, an effective message, to other women considering adoption, who really want to parent but won't admit it to themselves, if I heal? Or will they just look at me and say, "She healed, so I'll be fine, too"???? I'm not saying I'm becoming entirely anti-adoption--not intellectually--but at a gut level, I feel that at the very least, this is happening way, way too much........ (And isn't even one birthmother giving up her baby when she really wanted to parent, "too much"? Isn't even one birthmother placing her baby, without all the information about both options, "too much"?) So anyway... that's why I'm scared to heal... I don't wan to sell-out... On the other hand, the cost of me hanging onto this anger is becoming very high... Relationship with Matt suffering, relationship with Elise suffering... So last night it was clear to me that the cost of hanging on was too high.. that I at least needed to try to heal... and Mom told me that I can heal and still not sell-out.. that she thinks it is possible for me to heal (not go back to as if it never happened, but heal, build up some scar tissue so that this isn't crippling) and still say, "I regret placing Marie, and my adoption process wasn't right." IS that possible? I promised Matt I'd make steps towards it... that I didn't know HOW to heal yet, but I'd start trying... Because it seemed so clear to me that the price of not trying was too high... But this morning it's harder again--hard to imagine life changing, hard to imagine letting go of this feeling when it's all I've had for months. Anyway--there is my update. Still trying to work up the nerve to take that first step--calling the dr. about anti-depressants. Still not quite ready to let go, I guess. But at least now I know why I'm fighing letting go. N

You know, I am one of those who worked through it. Who came out on the other side. Who actually knows that adoption was right for me and my son. I deeply believe that there are too many women and men placing children for the wrong reasons, and I believe there are a majority of "adoption professionals" that have their own agenda and do not fully inform women of their options. I have not "lost" my anger over these things, but I have been able to direct it more efficiently since I have healed. Having done the "work" makes you more cridible because you are not speaking out of pure emotion, but logic and self knowledge. It is powerful. And you can make more of a difference.

For different reasons to you I held onto anger over my bson being adopted but when you do let go of your anger no way are you 'selling out'. My bson's adoption was closed, it was only mentioned three times in 23 years so I went through all those years carrying anger with me as I never worked through it. It took reunion with my bson for me to deal with it and then the sense of relief was overwhelming. Maybe ending up with a good reunion helped me deal with the anger but it's not something I would recommend living with anger as in many ways it left me personally feeling very bitter until I worked through this. You can heal and still say 'you regret placing Marie.....' as I have got to that point in my life. I will always regret having my bson adopted and the adoption system may have improved over the years but it will never be perfect. On the other hand I am at that point in my life I can also say I have never regretted having him, I have moved on but reunion has helped me to to heal - I am very fortunate to be where I am now. Montravia :)

Hey Nic - I identify with what Brenda says... you don't want to speak out of the emotions... You don't want to teach ppl from your anger and sorrow first... you want to teach as an educator. For one main thing, they will respect your words so much more. I took Lexapro for awhile. I mean, you know how hard it was to drive 180 rd trip commute while crying?! It made me feel so much more normal. As in, I was more able to handle my depression responsibly... I was able to drive home and think of dinner - and not all the awful adoption stuff. I was still depressed but it was more Sad then Deep Blackness. It lifted the anxiety that woke me at 3 and 4 am everyday. Unfortunately, the side effects were bad and I quit after a month... but I'd done some interior work in that month and could 'handle' life better. Now, I get angry at adoption. I completely agree with what you all say about adoption today. Profit seems to be key... But Nic, you gotta work on yourself first. You are a soldier who needs some R&R... We'll hold the front line ;) Hugs Maia

Nic, I just sent you a nutty long PM with my typical babbling, but in a nut shell.... NO..it's not selling out. It's becoming stonger. Healing does not mean that the wound is gone..it does not erase the past. You'll always have the scar no matter what, but the big open wound..just begging for an infection. Let it close. I totally agree with Brenda on the credibility issue...having a "successful adoption" and not being in a life of bitterness and misery makes you more able to be heard. So much harder to dismiss for " having a bad expereince". Enjoy what you do have..you do deserve it..live and be. Claud

Well... by way of an update... Things have been pretty bad lately. Typical symptoms: not much appetite, not sleeping, unable to concentrate, unproductive, stressed out... But I seem to have gotten a little reprieve today. Another long talk with parents last night from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. (Arg. I'm an adult--shouldn't I be past this needing to call them in the middle of the night, by now?) Talked about what went wrong in the adoption/parenting decision making process. At work now, taking a cigarette break.... and I am actually getting some stuff done today.... Sunny day, a little warmer... So... looks like I'll make it through today, anyway.

Glad you reached out again Nic. Still praying and glad you are getting some support. Call if you need to! Jen

Oh Nic, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Remember, we can still fight injustice without destroying ourselves with guilt and regret. We can forgive ourselves without forgetting. We can go on because we simply can't turn back time. And we can enjoy our blessings even when they come after we have done something we now regret. What matters is what we do now and tomorrow, yesterday is a closed book.

Warm fuzzies Nic.

Nic, I just turned 45 and I still need my parents. When you have good, caring parents that never goes away. I am glad they are a help to you instead of a hinderance. I hope things look up. Have you looked into the meds yet?

Yes, appointment next week for meds. Just trying to hang in until then. :o

Hi! I get it. M

OK, just letting you all know that I'm still breathing. Also now on Depakote and Zoloft for the depression. Doesn't seem to be relieving much yet, but guess I have to give it a few weeks, right? Thanks for the support, everyone. Nicole :(

A thousand thank you's Nicole for letting us know you are ok. And breathing. Jen

Oh Thank you!! another worried mother hen