Concerns about adopting within the family

[font=Garamond]I know this is a difficult situation from personal experience. The only thing you can do at this time is listen to what your wife has to say and then share your concerns with her. This decision not only affects the two of you, but the entire family as well. Perhaps you should get some input from them. And since the cousin has not even had up her mind as to what she wants to do with this child, there is no need to get too stressed over anything yet. I am learning that with a little faith and a lot of patience, things work out best for everyone in the end.[/font]

We recently had the exact same situation happen to us. It was a really hard decision to make since we have been waiting for adoption for awhile now. We felt a lot of the same concerns and decided that it was best for us and the baby to help my cousin find another family to place her child with. You and your wife must be in total agreement for this to work. Pray about it and if one of you is still not comfortable with the situation than you should not do it. Adopting within the family can be very hard. You need to evaluate your level of comfort in regards to the amount of contact you have with the cousin. What kind of role does the cousin plan on having in the adoption and are you comfortable with that? There are so many things to take into account. I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make.

Hi. I agree with the other posts. My family has a within family adoption and it has been very difficult for all involved, mostly the sweet child. The poor child knows who her birthmother is and struggles with seeing her have other children. "Why didn't she want me?" Even though a lot of time is spent with this poor sweet girl to try to help her understand (she is my adoptive sister), my heart often breaks for her. I love her so much and am so grateful to have been a part of her life, as does the rest of my siblings and parents, however, I am not sure it was the correct decision to place her within the family.Should you decide to adopt this sweet little one, you really have to set up boundaries and be very careful. I have spent a lot of time with the birthmom of my sister, and she also struggles with seeing her daughter all the time. My sister is now a young teenager, but the emotional strain has been difficult for her and her birthmother. I am sure there are many examples of when a situation like this will work out. I am sure you and your wife have spent much time in prayer about this and this is really only the way to to know for sure what you should do. Good luck....

Hi my name is Julie. I have adopted little boy who I love and would do anything for him. But his b-mother has not been apart of his life to much. But I think open is better then closed because they grow up knowing that they were loved both ways. That eveyone did what was best for him. This is off the suject but I was adopted by my step father and after that happen I never got to see my real father again. So when I was 18 years old I had to start to look for him all over. That was very hard and sad at times when month and year would go by and no luck. Now I would like to adopted a other one but you are right before you adopted pray and ask God because he always has the best for you not you your esls

My neice gave her son up for adoption to a cousin. It has created so problems and blessings. For one, my sister has a grandson she cant see & has to treat like a cousin. My Cousin is always on guard... hoping no one will rock the boat. On the other hand... we know where he is... we know he is ok & EVERYONE knows their place. It is like someone said... it will take everyone working together. It will take a lot of prayer & patience. My daughter is adopted. I dont know how I would feel about the b- mother being around all the time. For the short time she was around I was a nervous wreck. Talk to your bishop and pray about it. No decision worth making will be easy... trust me. My daughter was the best decision I ever made!!!

the advice you've been given is great. What worried me about your post was that you said you know nothing about adoption. Before you adopt, within the family or not you need to educate yourself about the issues surrounding adoption and parenting an adopted child. Where I live you have to do a course as part of your homestudy. You need to decide and agree on how open or closed it will be. Parenting an adopted child is mostly the same as parenting a bio child but there are issues that can arise about loss, grief, identity, etc and you need to be aware of them. Get some books and get reading. Talk to other adoptive parents. Prayer and advice from church leaders is important but so is the practical stuff.

Hi... I think you got me confused with someone else. There are some post as to what you are referring to. I went throught the entire adoption process... ALL OF IT!!! We went through classes, read books, searched the internet & talked to many adoptive parents & grown children that have been placed. I also talked with couples that have adopted children that have are diff. races. (my adopted daughter is hispanic) I do consider myself educated on the topic of adoption and I seem to know what I am doing. I know I am a good mother and I am a little offended by your comment. Like I said, there are several situations in my family alone not to mention the numerous friends that have adopted. Thank you for your time... Julie

Juliehf, I believe that Gabsdot was replying to the origional poster, SDS. Gabsdod was refering to SDS posting "Hi, I know virtually nothing about adoption." not to your post. Gabsdot also said "the advice you've been given is great." I think that was more in reference to what you and other posters have written. I just noticed that this was probably just a misunderstanding, I hope that I didn't overstep my bounds :) . Good luck to all! Rachel

Yes I was responding to the origional post

Hello, I am an adoptee who was adopted from within the family. My birth family are my uncle, aunt and brother. I was thirteen when I found out by myself in boarding school because everyone constantly told me how alike my cousin and I looked. I didnt tell my family for four months that I knew. During my winter holidays, my principal phoned my mother and told her that I knew. My mother came and spoke to me about it that night. I didnt have a problem with being adopted. I was alright. My birth family had always been a part of my life. I have always considered them a close aunt and uncle...but never a second set of parents. My birth mother spoke to me about it and said that they loved me and all of that. That I wasnt given away because they didnt want me. She knew I would be a part of her family, so she thought it was alright. Everything was fine. I was fine. Untill my adopteive father died. My birth mother felt horrible that she landed u giving me to a family where I sufferede parental bereavement. I was alright with it. You know life has no certainty in these matters. It happened, so it happened. But she was'nt alright. Feelings of guilt clouded her too much. My birth family was moving away to a different counrty. Trouble in the adoption triad started when she wanted to have me go with her to the new counrty. Leave my mother and go. This was unacceptable to me. I didnt say anything...bevause i knew I'd break her heart if I said anything more. So I waited till she left. I have been distressed many times whith some of the issues arising, but with the help of counselling (I am currently a peron-centred trainee counsellor), I'm feeling better, drawing boundaries with her. She coming down to meet me after 5 years, and I feel alright with it. As long as she doesnt try to take over, which she wont, I'll be alright. She's an aunt and always will be a close aunt of mine. My point is, problems arise, But if we a re willing to reflect on ourselves and being aware of our own motives, then things can be worked out. One of things that i am aware of has been how much my adoptive mother has been through in her own way, but through out she has been the only one who has looked out for me...sacrificed her own sanity to and well being, to keep me happy. Put my feelings befor e hers and I cant tell you honourable and noble I think she has been. I love her to bits. Moreover, after my father's death, over these 7 years, our relationshi has blossomed so beautifully. We look out for each other and are each other's comapnions. If you want to talk about any issues regarding famiy adoption, Let me know..I'll be glad to help. Hope its all going well.. And dont worry..challenges will come, lost of them, but also remember that you will get through them, you will.!!