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Three months ago we adopted a 2 and 3 year old sibling set from foster care. We were always warned about the "honeymoon" phase and what follows after. We thought we were through it because they had perfect behavior for a couple weeks, then started challenging us more. However, it didn't seem to be more than biological kids and it was definitely something we could deal with. Now, three months later our daughter is really starting to challenge us on EVERYTHING!!! If I turn off a light and she wanted to do it, I get sulking or a possible tantrum. Has this last three months been a honeymoon and now things are going to get worse, or is this just a phase? Please tell me about your honeymoon phase or what you know that to mean! Thank you!!!
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Some "honeymoon" phases can be short lived while others last longer ... most of the kids that come to us have baggage and memories (many suppressed) and the warning from social workers - they need to be on their best behavior to be able to stay ... Sounds like your daughter has done very well - with a few things here and there until recently ... this escalation may be many things - finally feeling secure enough to know it is ok to have a temper tantrum or feeling secure while afraid that it will disappear so she is testing (and none of us will every understand but very common!) or that she has been there long enough and life is in a routine where she's not getting the extra "new kid" attention and is looking for some (again - no one every understands how negative can be better than none but to kids ... life's mysteries!). Sounds very normal ... hope this helps.
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What you are experiencing can be that the honeymoon IS over and now the testing begins. These kids have been so hurt by adults that should have cared for them and protected them. They aren't able to understand that you're committed to them, to them you're just another home right now. In time (and this may very well be what's happening now although I think she's too young) she will become more comfortable to be herself around you. I have 2-2 y/o's and a 3 y/o and things have to be their way too so her behavior can also be typical. To most 2 and 3 year olds the world revolves around them and, with our kids (kids we've adopted through the foster care system) it seems they need this to be true even more because they were never babied, or loved the way they should be, perhaps no one took the time to read a book to them or sing them a song. When you talk to the kids look into their eyes so they can feel the love from you. Sit them on your lap and play games together that require interaction. Lucyjoy, another member on here, told me to be conscience of my facial expressions and that no matter how I'm feeling not to show anger or that I'm anything but in control. This is the hardest thing to do but it certainly does work! Best of luck. Just tell yourself what I tell myself every day (actually many times a day lol): Enjoy all this craziness now because they grow up so quickly. ;) Michelle
Every honeymoon period is different. The other challenge is trying to determine if it is a tantrum or a panic attack. A panic attack occurs when "something" triggers an unpleasant memory or fear. The fact that they are acting out some means they are comfortable they feel "safe " to do so. Believe it or not, that is good. :o I wish you well with your little ones. Teralyn
Just to add to what Teralyn said, I agree that the acting out is probably a good thing! 3 year olds can be challenging...at this age they are really developing their own autonomy. Truely understanding their own "power" so to speak. People talk a lot about the terrible twos....I think 3 is much more challenging in my opinion. Why? because they tend to challenge EVERYTHING and aren't terribly rational making "arugements" very circular at best. So, add this to what every past they brought with them and it could be bumpy for awhile. The fact that she is acting out is good! It is normal, it shows that she has built some trust in you and that she is now treating you the way many 3 year olds treat their parents. Hang tough, be consistent and someday you will reap the rewards! Kathy
We have found that our daughter's triggers can vary widely. Because it has been foster to adopt (while we get our paperwork done), seeing her workers REALLY sets her off, and she's got 5. Man, do I hate being bitten! Also, holidays seem to really stress her out. A lot of times it's taking some guessing to figure out what the trigger is. While the severity has definitely decreased, consistency is so key. It helps her to feel secure. Have to admit, though, while it started out as frustrating it's now hard not to laugh when she's yelling things like "you're a stupid big headed baby". I am so glad she doesn't know how to curse! BTW, she's 5 and we've had her for just over 6 months. Also just got through a honeymoon phase!
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allana how do you keep a straight face when she's yelling that at you? LMAO I'd have to leave the room I'd be laughing so hard. You are a great parent if you've already been able to identify some of her triggers. Poor baby probably thinks she's getting moved when she sees her worker! I've only had little ones but I've been told that the holidays can be really rough on the older kids. I hope things settle down for you soon too! Michelle
Michelle, it's soooo hard to keep a straight face when she's yelling! "big headed baby" is very common, as is "you're ugly you stupid head". Somehow I thought I would be more upset when my child told me she hates me, but now I just say "That's okay, I love you enough for both of us". That makes her even angrier! One of her workers was the one who actually delivered her, so it caused such terror in her. Luckily, we finalize sometime in the next couple of months, so we'll be done with them!
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honeymoon period.... :D ...those were the days... :( and i mean DAYS.....lol the honeymoon period is such a nice part...thats usually when the child is on their best behavior. THey are so pleasant and compliant. some honeymoon periods last 1 day, others 2 weeks, and others 3 months and the sad fact, for some kids, they never leave that honeymoon period. it sounds like your honeymoon period is over and now comes the testing.....this is actual a good sign. they are starting to feel a little safer with the rountine and structure, but now you have to pass THEIR test... (hold on, this will be the worst experience, they will take you on the ride of your life.... :rolleyes: ) as betty davis said "buckle your seatbelt, its going to be bumpy ride" the most important thing, is to let them know YOU are in control. im not sure if you and your husband had this talk yet, but for the kids, you should: discuss what the discipline is going to be, ex: time outs, removing toys, or whatever you decide. you both need to be very consistant when carrying these disciplines out. the children need to know what to expect when they are doing something that they are not suppose too (testing). This is the testing......'are u really going to keep me safe? are u really going to love me forever?" remember, some of our kids who have been through the system really dont want to get close to us because they believe we will move them and that will hurt, so they do build up walls to protect themselves...(who can blame them) our job is to be consistant, show no emotion when they are doing something wrong, carry out the consequences we agree to, and follow through. sooner or later, our kids will stop testing.... my younger son, who is now 7 (he came to us when he was 4) tested tested tested...he still is testing, but finally he is actually starting to believe we are not going anywhere dont want to scare you...some say it takes how many years your child is when you get them to feel totall settled, some say it takes two years before they feel settled... i say it takes as long as it takes...i dont think there really is any majic number. hang in there...it does get easier... allana, my kids have done the same thing when the workers come.....all of a sudden they get defiant, hyper, testing us, and i usually just finish telling the worker how wonderful he was doing.... there will be triggers.....holidays, birthdays, the time of year they removed from birthmom, etc. alot of it they are not even aware of it themselves...could be a smell, time of year, a holiday decoration,..... anyway, i posted more then i thought i would...
Our son came to us through adoption when he was 5 weeks old. Though you may never know whether your children's actions are due to their past history in foster care, please consider that their behavior sounds quite typical for their age. As a matter of fact it sounds an awful lot like my now 3 year old who as I mentioned earlier, has been with us practically since birth. As one of the earlier posters said....the terrible twos for us has been nothing like the trying threes......most of what we've seen is an attempt to test boundaries and establish independence. They're very self-centered and you do have to be consistent with establishing boundaries and making them understand that their actions involve other people for whom they have to take into consideration. Two weeks before my son turned 3 my son became very honary. He had no respect for authority and insisted everything go his way. It's taken him 6 months but we're finally beginning to see some change in him. It requires a lot of work but there is light....I think! With any luck, since both children are so close in age....maybe this phase won't be as bad when the 2 yr old turns 3. If you're short on patience.....you're going to have to find some from somewhere. Angeluv