If you could turn back time???

[QUOTE=newlyorphaned] I can tell you that I honestly feel a pull towards them, there's some kind of bond there that I can't describe. I am so confused anymore about adoption. I go back and forth as to whether adoption is a good thing. In my youngest two girls I think adoption was a good thing because they came from very abusive homes and yet they have that strong desire to reconnect for the reason you stated above even though my youngest loves us with all her heart and can't stop telling me! My oldest moved back with her birthfamily. She claims we are her parents and they can't take our place but she is drawn to them obsessively. We hardly see her. They come first. Adoption doesn't appear to be a good thing for her. Then there is my 26 year old who cherishes us and wouldn't dream of reuniting. She just graduated with a degree in dental surgery. I am proud and just had to mention that! I raised my girls with love and a joy I cannot explain. Being a mom was and is all I ever wanted to be. I feel so blessed to be a mom..............but I am a mom with children who have holes in their hearts. I will never be able to fill that void no matter how much love is given. They will never feel the bond with me that they feel with their birthparents. Why should I be called mom when I feel like such a babysitter since my daughter moved out of my life and in with her birthparents? Did I fill the mom's role or am I the caregiver until there is reconnection? Maybe I don't understand the definition of a mom?

In reading the words of your posts and feeling the hurt and compassion that bleeds through, I would say you have quite a realistic definition of what a "mom" is. It sounds to me like you did all you could do to offer love and nurturing, security and safety. You certainly "filled the mom's role," IMO.What you have been through must be the ultimate feeling of rejection. I can only imagine how deep the hurt must go. And maybe I don't understand the definition of a "biological bond." I met my biological father and a half-sis when I was in my 40's. Throughout my life, I had wondered about him. During the turmoil of my teen years, this biological stranger was even raised to the level of a hero in my mind. Once I did locate and meet him (and my sis)just a few years ago, they both had open arms and tears galore to greet me. Within the first 10 hours of our meeting, they acted as though I had always been a part of their world...and always would be. I did not feel the "connection" that I always thought I would. Even though these were very nice, accepting people and I enjoyed getting them to know them, I felt nothing more toward either of them than I would a new person in the neighborhood. My "daddy" was the man who raised me...the one who taught me how to change my own tire, catch fish, throw a shrimp net and a left hook, reason through a problem, etc. No man, no matter how tall, how powerful, how much he looked like me,could ever fill Daddy's shoes...or the place I have for him in my heart. Sure, I wanted to feel this great "bond" I so often read about...but it wasn't/isn't there. Having experienced this, I have no expectations whatsoever with my own birthdaughter. In fact, if we ever met and she quickly decided to abandon her life as she knows it and move near me, I would most likely freak out. In my mind, I see her as strong and well-grounded in who she is. Sure, there is a biological link, but that is no guarantee that she will feel anything more for me than I did for my own bio family. We are all different...and we all have our own ways of handling emotions. What makes sense to me might just baffle the next guy. Life is an enigma... ~Deb

As a natural mom who lost her firstborn to adoption in 1964... I wish I had trusted my initital female/mother gut instincts, that of giving birth and raising my own child, even if I was sans the MRS in front of my last name. But I made a mistake, not in getting pregnant,( I was never ashamed of that, but forever regretted losing my baby) rather from listening to a doctor that determined it was absolutely necessary for me to visit the SW down the hall at the clinic. This Doc did not tell me WHY I had to visit the SW, I just assumed it was the normal thing to do when one was pg. That was the beginning of when I would be talked 'out of' keeping my own baby.. What I would have done differently, I would not have walked down the hall to that SW, my daughter and I would have been together as we were meant to be. I am in reunion now since 1999, and have met my very angry & unforgiving now adult daughter. Her pain causes me much pain, not just about me, but how the anger/unforgiveness towards me is affecting her life.. I cannot change the hands of time or the past... But I so hope in the future my daughter will be able to heal, within or without reunion. Older & Wiser

Shadowdove, I too hope your daughter can heal just as I wish my angry daughter will heal also. I wish things could have been different for you. Your story is sad. I am sorry. Deb, You mentioned my feelings of rejection. Through all this I learned that just as the physical body can heal from a severe trauma, I can heal emotionally from the trauma of rejection. I can survive. The deep hole I feel CAN be filled by those around me who love and nurture me. My 26 year old adopted daughter allowed those around her to fill the emptiness she felt. She allowed us to love and nurture her and she feels no emptiness. She feels blessed. My oldest daughter doesn't understand how she can feel so content. For me it is a choice. I choose to be filled and content. I have been comforted by those who love me. I can't make my oldest daughter love me. I can choose to accept those who do. I am on a slow healing journey. Someday my oldest daughter may walk with me. I hope so.

Love4 I just re-read your posts and something hit me. I have two recently grown children both biological and I've had my problems with both of them. My son has started to come around but my daughter.... well I guess my point is I'm going through similar things with my daughter and she's biological ~ maybe some of this has nothing to do with adoption? I went to a 12-step meeting recently any they were all talking about a "hole" inside of them that only negative things seemed to fill and I don't think that they were adopted. Maybe some of this is just the human condition so to speak. They called it a "a God sized hole." Maybe that's why you and I can't fill the hole in our children's souls. Just a though!

newlyorphaned, It hurts not to be able to fill the hole in our kids lives, doesn't it? I agree that there are many different kinds of holes people feel. Some are related to adoption and others struggle with another kind of emptiness. I had periods of lonliness many years ago and it left an emptiness in my heart. We may find ways to fill that emptiness but it is only temporary. Only God can fill our most deepest needs and it is everlasting. I pray for you and your daughter. It's a hard thing to go through. It hurts to be a mom to a hurting child no matter what their age. Thanks for your thoughts. Hugs

Wow, this is a really interesting thread. It seems like there are a lot of people here who would really like to make changes in their pasts, so I guess I am in the minority here. I placed my daughter for adoption 10 years ago. It is a completely open adoption. I would not change my getting pregnant, would not change her parents and would not change anything about the adoption. The only thing that I would change is that I would have spent one or two more days with her when she was born. I only spent 26 hours with her after she was born and would have liked to slow down and just look at her for a little longer before saying that first goodbye. Happily for me, that is only one day out of 10 years that I would change. I am pretty certain that she is well adjusted and not holding onto a lot of anger toward me for making this decision about her. She seems like a happy-go-lucky, typical 10 year old. Really, I wouldn't change a thing about that.

Free to be me, How would another day or two of being with your daughter make a difference for you? It's nice to know you are happy with your choices. It's nice to hear you are happy with your child's parents and feel your child is happy and well adjusted. There seems to be no missing pieces in your life. A good thing.

hi, If i could turn back time I would be grateful to be fortunate to be blessed with a pregancy and a healthy baby, i would raise my bdaughter and save myself a lot of pain and agony. BTW my daughter's parents are great and i am fortunate to have seen her grow up. I am grateful that she is alive. I am pleased with myself that did not give into bfather's demands to have an abortion. But I wish I was her "real" mom. lol banjo

I certainly hope this does not sound crass, but it almost sounds like the same pain, grief, loss etc... that many birthmothers (like myself) go through after placing a child. We aren't allowed any of the joys of raising the child. Every birthday, every christmas and the list goes on and on. I recently reuinited with my daughter and I can tell you that I personally have/had no intention of taking over her amom's place. I simply wanted to know her and I waited to make contact until she was searching for me. I felt that if she needed me... even if it were just for basic info... that I would be there. In my case she sought me out because she was hooked on drugs ... I hope I can help her through this. I have hoped that her aparents would want a relationship with me, but I've only gotten one email from them which took a few weeks for them to write after being told of our first contact. Although it was well written it had the feeling of a form letter of sorts ... giving no real info and stating things like "we did the best we could". I believe there can not be enough love in the world ... do not allow your insecurity, fears, resentment or bitterness destroy the relationships you have built with your adopted child or children if they search and/or find their birthfamily. They will love you even more for this.

Hmmm,,,, has been a bit of time since a post has had me interested in responding. I believe very deeply that when I was concieved my very purpose at that moment, was to be placed in my adoptive fathers arms. I was HIS! child. My creator, who ever, or what ever, he might be, had a genuine purpose for my place here. That place was for me to be a major aspect of this mans life. And I was. I can't think of one thinkg that meant more to him then me. Well, my mom of course, but that is a different kind of love. I allow myself to brag,, it is my right because I loved him in the same way. With out going into my life story and my entire upbringing, I will just say that our life together was very special because of the spiritual similaritys, and connections we shared. This person shared so much with me that we should have been biological, but were not. I believe everything happens for a reason. There are no accidents in this universe. Every human being touches another for a reason, for a purpose. For my father and I, we were together to serve a purpose in each others lives. For this I am sure. This is the only purpose in my life that does not cause me great confusion, and I know completly that I have served it the way it was meant to be. Let me try to explain, so you all do not think I am a total wacko! lololol I love my mother and feel that the bond we share is also very special but the bond with my father is somewhat different. Very different. It is scary how much alike we are. After I turned 30 I became interested in finding info on my bfamily (which I have recently found) I started to believe that poss. a relative had given me to my father,,,, maybe one of his sisters. That is not the case. Many of the older members know my story and I am not going to repeat it here. Alot of it is in my jounal. I will say this again, and again, for new members to read. My post has really just one main point. My father passed when I was 32, I am 36 now. When he died I did not cry for months. I took care of my mother, arranged for the funeral, picked out the mass, the hymns, ect ect, made all the calls to the hundreds of friends. During this time I celebrated my fathers life. When people asked if I was ok and why I would not cry I told them " I could have had a horrible father for a lifetime and instead I had the best father God could have ever given a child,,, and I am to busy celebrating to cry, I would rather give thanks then cry. I am to overwhelmed with joy ." Three weeks ago I found out that my bfather could have cared less about me when I was concieved. He had other children he could have cared less about already. Do you think he wanted to add one more, unwanted, throw away kid?? No!!,,, I WAS RIGHT ALL THOSE YEARS AGO WHEN i SAID THAT!!I WAS RIGHT!! I knew it then, and I know it now,, adoption was the best thing that has ever happened to me and I would have nothing that I have today without it. That includes my 4 beautifull children, my husband, my brother, my mother, my friends. I would have none of it, if she had talked him into marrying her. And what if she moved in with him like he wanted her to. I guess he thought he could pacify her. She knew back in the 60s what it meant to live unmarried, with a child. She wanted a better chance for me, that is what it said in my file. I deserved to be with a married couple, ready for a family.!!!! I did deserve that, and that is what I got, At least she had some morals, and did not believe it was right to live with a man she was not married to. He would not have changed his mind. He didn't change his mind about the other 2 children he had prior to me. What would my life be like, if this man who is now living god knows where ( can not keep track of which trailor he is living in, found ten or so adresses on him) had been talked into keeping me around. One day I will thank my bmom,, I know where she is. She sounds wonderfull. She sounds happy. She sounds like life has been fair and good to her. She has the children that my file said she always wanted, the husband she has stayed married to for 36 years. (not my bfather, a better man) Not everyone is lucky to have a happy ending, and mine has not been perfect,,, I giggle because actually mine has been far from it but would I change it NO WAY. Primal wound?? no not me! I am not wounded I am BiPolar and it is a tuff desease,,,,, just got out of the hospital again but it will not beat me. I have four kids, a great family, tons of friends, a husband who adores me, lots of friends here who care about me, a Dad in the second life watching over me from the heavens. And even though I do cry buckets for him now and I miss him with all my heart I love my life and the choice adoption has offered me, like I said change it NO WAY !! ani

hi, one of the things about adoption in the 21st century is that it's a different entity than the adoptions earlier. first I have to say that I've learned soooo much from these boards, from listening to adoptees, birthmothers and potential birthmothers, paparents and aparents. This has made me much better informed, so along with the huge pile of books i've read, I'm hoping that dd will have fewer issues with her adoption. We're also in a very open adoption, which I'm hoping will make her feel better about herself, her past, present and future. She's only 15.5 months, but I talk about her adoption, she has pictures of her birthfamily in her room, along with pictures of us, and one with all of us together with her. She has her own photobook that she carries around, and we "read" it to her every day: full of pictures of all the relatives (arelatives and brelatives) holding her and we go thru the names. Yes it's a loss and it's sometimes hard to understand, but much depends on her temperment. From what i can see she's a bit of a control freak and we'll see how that plays out. if she's an optimist she'll see the good points, and if she's a pessimist (like me) she'll focus on the less than spectacular points. And that's okay, that's what her family's here for. would I change anything? maybe that her birthmother didn't become pregnant at such a young age. That does leave a mark on a person, regardless of age, but I think it's particularly tragic when young girls become pregnant. I firmly believe dd would arrive here on earth regardless (very determined soul). It would mean that dd wouldn't be in our arms, and knowing what I know now I'd miss that, but I'm also confident that when she showed up, she's change the world to fit her needs and she's be quite happy elsewhere :) . still, since I can't change anything I'll look at the positives: dd's birth has brought three families together, something that is a miracle in and of itself. She's rather lucky to have so many people who love her-that's got to be a major plus for her growing up.

Umm..morning after the Halloween parties and I am just now having my coffee, so I hope I make sense. It's hard sometimes to think about the big IF, because I know that if I had taken the other path in that HUGE crossroad of life, then I would not be where I am now. Would I still be the same person....esentially yes, but wih different experiences, without the loss, different joys. I think it is easy sometimes to say "Well if I had kept my first, then I would not have the children I have now", but I don't think that is necessarily true. I firmly believe that souls do come though..and we tend to walk though life / lives with the same souls again and again. We find each other, we are born to each other, we learn, we give and take. It's not quite a "It was ment to be" view, becaus ethat takes away personal choice and such. It's bigger than "fate" and I don't think that we find every soul that is looking for us each lifetime..sometimes we miss each other and, hence, got to do it all over again. It makes me nervous applying that to adoption because I don't think it's as easy as saying "you were born in the wrong tummy", but upon hearing Antifish's testiment to her father I have to think "yeah, that was a deep connection....it was good that they found each other this time" I feel a great connection to my lost son..even though techinically I do not "know" him. Was he ment to be with me, or with his parents...can't say for sure. Maybe the path that we had to walk this time had to be about separation, forgiveness, loss...or maybe I did just choose the wrong thing and we will have to do it again to get it right. I think regardless of what has happened with him, my other kids would have found their way to me. Maybe with different fathers, maybe they would be diffferent ages, different looks...and maybe all of them are not ment for "me"...My daughter, as much as I adore her, is her father all over. She is my maternal line, my connection, the thread from my grandmother, my mother, me, to her, but I could see her being her father's "soul". Now, my youngest..OMG..I know I know him. There is a comfort in him that reaches back beyond our few years together, more than a mother-son. I am comforted by his presence here..and I know he fought to come though to me. I had been pregnant the month before he was concieved..bad timing, his sister was still so young, bad moment in the marrige, in life..and I did not want the pregnancy at all. I ended up having an early misscarrige and only then, did I feel the loss, the promise. So when, the next month again, he tried...I relented completely, ignored all logic and embraced the pregnancy. There is no question in my heart that he was ment to be here for me. My second son, I think, must have been a very good dear friend not so long ago. He has always been my buddy, such support, and great understanding. It's like the residuals from our last relationship cast a "feel" on this one. And now, before you all start shaking your heads and thinking "oh, she really is nuts"..think to when you have met someone who turned out to be a major player in your life...a great love, a great friend, or someone that just efected you on a great level..think back to the moment in time when you first met them. I know there are people who have touched me, and when I have first met them there was the instant recognition..."Oh, there you are!" Like you didn't know they were missing, but deep inside you rejoiced at finding them again. I think it works with "love at first sight"..when you met someone you "know", but you don't, but you do, you have walked though a life together before, and this time you are man and woman at this place, at this time. And it all fits. I want to say that adoption is all too random of a selection. The choices are made on this plane of existance and have little to do with steering us together on a deeper, previous level, but I do know that it is not impossible and the connections are strong. So who is to say that though my oldest was sent to me, he has not found some that he was meant to share time with, journey and learn. He'll find those for himself as we all do, and hopefully we can walk together again too. Anyway, I need more coffee, but I am very, obvouiously, intriqued by the thought of souls and connections. Now I need to take my freaky self to the kitchen. I definatly had a pervious connection to Juan Valdez.

claud, I am one soul brought where I was by my creator and not all of us are delivered the same way but yes I understand completly what you are saying. I get myself into alot of trouble with my thinking. Now if I could just figure out the rest of my purpose then everything would just be great,,,, so much confusion for me lately. seems since my dad has passed I really am confused at alot of things religion being the biggest. My father teaching me Christianity and now I am questioning it all. I do believe that everything happens for a reason,, just that why does it happen and why do we have to feel so much pain to learn our lessons. Adoption falls so clearly for some of us here. I read your story for instance, and what if my bmom is like you and has been waiting. So many chances we take and I am so afraid of hurting her but if I do not contact her and she has been waiting all this time I am still hurting her.. see how this is. I am so afraid. I just do not want to make the wrong decision. and to be totally honest I am not sure I want to be turned away. So my life is full and I for now choose to keep it the way it is. The confusion of the future will never leave it lingers and I feel th void will remain always. I feel like it just belongs,,,gosh did any of this make sense I reread it and am not sure,, we are getting pretty deep ani

I just had to add that maybe it just is not our time yet and I am not feeling it is ready yet,, and I will know when it is,,, now I know people are thinking I am a wacko!!!!and the jaun valdez thing ws really funny good idea ani