Do You Ever REGRET Searching?

I think boys have a problem with showing feelings. I think in time if we just be happy for what we got our reward will be wonderful

MomintheSpiritHow old is your son?All human relationships are difficult. I know of few marriages that are ALWAYS smooth and without any problems.Reunions are particulalry difficult for many reasons. We are strangers and yet we are family suddenly thrown together with varrying expectations. One party may expect instant love, the other may want to go more slowly and get to know the person slowly. There are feelings of anger and rejection. Some - bms and adoptees - are expecting the reunion to heal the past. Some are expecting to be supported, emotionally or even financially. There are all kinds of expectations. They need to be naveigated and worked through. There will be ups and downs. But I strongly encourage you to do your best to do what ever it takes not to reject your child a second time.If you need to step back for a while be clear that you are stpping BACK but not OUT of his life.I see reunion as a second chance for birthmothers - a blessing, even when thorny.Good luck,Mirah

Reunions are difficult. But..... they can be wonderful also. I went into my reunion with my bson with no expectations. I didn't have time to read books, or search online for support. We met only 17 hours after he called me on the phone. I can say this, I was a wreck the night before. I cried, sobbed at my kitchen table. Every insecurity I had surfaced. Every emotion that had been burried since his placement came to the surface. My husband wrapped his arms around me, and told me that it would be fine. Of course that consoled me, but did not take away any of the feelings. Thus began the rollercoaster ride, that will last forever. There have been wonderful times, and there have been hightened emotions of fear when he doesn't call. There is the questions of:Did I say someting wrongAm I expecting too muchAm I being to needyDoes he not need meWill this lastShould I ask that question These are all things that I have thought of, and there are too many to write. I have only known his since Aug of this year (2005) and the one thing that my son and I know for sure, is that we are blessed. We know each other. We are committed to being incredible close friends. And most importantly, we take it one day at a time. If we have a thought we share it, if we have a question we ask it. HONESTY! I don't think I have ever been so honest with someone in my entire life. I have said this many times before; I AM WHO I AM TODAY BECAUSE OF MY SON. I AM CONFIDENT WITH WHO I AM BECAUSE I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICES. I AM HEALING THE PAINS AND DARK HOLES OF THE PAST BECAUSE HE LOVES ME. That healing process began with my sons words to me at our face to face meeting "I love you, because you gave me life" The most healing words this birthmom could ever hear. Please don't think that this experience has not been difficult. It is a challenge for all involved. But staying in control of your emotions and taking it one day at a time is what has helped me. I know that at any moment I can begin a spiral decent that could put me in a state of depression that effects all around me. I could dwell on the past, and I could dwell on the future and cause myself pain that is uneccessary. THAT SELF PITY PARTY, sometimes we need to cry and let our anger, and worry; but... make sure you can bring yourself back to reality. Trials are not suposed to be easy, if they were we would have nothing to learn and grow from. Im such a better person now, Im whole, Im grateful, Im loved unconditinally by my son and Im ME. "What I have today, are the things I had only hoped for in the past" Susan1987

I am new to this forum but would very much like to recv. your questionaire. I am an adoptee that had the oportunity to meet my biological family. Answering questions must surely be easier. Rose

Do I regret searching??? Not for one minute. I spent the better part of 22 years looking for my bmother and finally found her the day before my 40th birthday with a little help from a good friend. What a birthday gift I received!It took 3 months for me to contact her and the day we first spoke was her birthday. We have spent the past 4 months getting to know each other and being HONEST with each other about our feelings. I think that is key with any relationship...has it been easy? No, but most things in life are not. Has it been worth it? YES... every step we take together makes me realize just what I had been missing all along. I feel complete for the first time in my life. I did not have a great relationship with my amother growing up and still don't so having found my bmother means even more to me. We feel like we have been given a second chance and we are enjoying every minute we can spend together. Sure, we have missed so many important milestones over the years but we will just have to make new ones together. My ONLY regret is that I waited 3 months for the first contact ....if I had only known I would have called that first day. My advice to others is to take each day one step at a time and to keep the lines of communication open. Good Luck to all!!

Ladies, I found my birth-daughter almost two years ago. We were both looking, so it made finding her so much easier. At first, I was thrilled, I had found the child I had missed so much, for so long. I had never forgiven myself for losing her in the first place, as I was only 15 at the time of her birth, my father was in control of the situation, not me. I felt like I had lost everything, and continued to feel that way for 27 years. When I found her, I was so afraid, that I would say the wrong thing, that she would not find me good enough, that I could never compare to the mother who rasied her. It is very difficult, even today, to express myself to her. The fact that she has not told her a-mom about me, has also put a strain on our relationship. I sometimes feel like a dark secret. Since our reunion, we have had some great times, and some not so great times. She has a way of pulling back, for no reason, sometimes I don't hear from her for months. I never know if it is something I said, or did that causes this, but it makes it very hard for me to fit in her life. She never explains, she just all of a sudden starts e-mailing again. I have never been invited to her home, nor has she offered to come to mine, even though her full blooded brother lives here with me. I can not call her, as she says she is not a phone person, so I e-mail, and somethimes I get a reply, sometimes not. She has two full blooded sister too, which she really never contacts. She came to my daughters baby shower, and our family reunion, so I always have hope, but then, she cuts me off again. Do I regret finding her, never, I would do it all again, even knowing this is how it would be. Finding her has filled an empty hole in my heart, one that would have never healed without her. Do I wish we could be closer, always, but just knowing she is safe and well is enough, it is far more than I had before. I have always felt that actions speak louder than words, so don't ever give up looking, the effort you put in to finding these kids will mean something, even if it takes awhile for them to realize that you care. Best of luck to you who are still searching, and keep your chins up to those who have already been found. Never give up faith that your blood run through thier veins, and that one day, everything will work out. Robinsmom

NO one could ever tell us birthmoms what to expect. It is all so individual. I feel the same way same way as you Robinsmom. There is a part of me that is now whole. My son and I have a wonderful relationship, we are nearing 5.5 months in our reunion and it has its ups and downs. Im happy to say that there seem to be more ups than downs.Im so grateful that he found me, and that he wants to know me and love me. Im so blessed Being grateful for what we have is the lesson that I am learning, when I read so many different posts. Susan1987

I don't know how long it has been since your reunion with your son, but I searched for my son also. I found him in 2001. After 9 months of what I thought was a good reunion, he pulled away and we've had little contact since. Now for your question... I am glad I found him. It ended a lot of questioning and worry. It also brought yp a ton of unresolved grief. But I do think that HE

I found my son in 2001 when he was 38. We had a good relationship for 9 months, then he pulled away. We've had little contact since. I am glad I looked for him, so glad I know him, but I wonder if I should have waited for him to find me. What if he waited too long? Although we don't have an ongoing relationship, I know for certain that I answered a lot of questions he had about his birth and adoption and helped him deal in some way with his insecurities because of the adoption. Perhaps he wasn't ready, or maybe his loyalty to his adoptive family prevents him from coming back to me. Despite all the disenfranchised grief I have had to go through, I can say I am glad I searched.

Katydid, I also made the mistake of being needy, but I didn't realize I was doing it. I tried to be "normal" but finding him brought on an obsession. It took hold of me, and he didn't know what to do with it. I bared my soul to him, like he was my new soulmate. I have tried in letters to explain this, but I don't get anywhere. So I am just waiting. Things do change, so I am not willing to give up hope. People grow up and they change, so perhaps he will change his mind about me.

Mom2Chris My heart goes out to you Mom2Chris. That must have hurt terribly. Is there any contact at all? Do you send birthday cards, maybe a gift, or have you sent a quick e-mails saying Hi..just thinking of you and wanting you to know that I will always be here, should you need to talk. Love..... It may, one day, be just the sort of thing he needs to hear - like leaving the door open for later. Mom - reunion isn't easy, and I know that "needy" and "impatient" are the sins of reunion. But sometimes what we are and how we are feeling just can't be hidden.....it's an obvious sign of what we have been through and how we have held our secrets instead of sharing them, and working on our insecurities. Are you reading good books like The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide - or The Other Mother - or even articles on the web. My suggestion to you is to use this Step Back time wisely - use your local library and read as much as you can. It certainly helped me prepare for what was to come, and also assured me that what I was going through was normal and healthy. Good luck - and keep posting - I would like to keep in touch. Ann :flower:

If I had to do it all over again...I would have let her come looking for me.I can't say exactly why I went looking for my daughter. Was I looking for answers,was I looking for a piece of myself that had been missing for 20 years? No matter the reason as to why I searched, I did it. Was it what I had hoped for? definately not. Would I do it all over again?.....I am not sure. Maybe if I knew the outcome would be different I would but at this time I would have to say a resounding "NO". I never ment to cause any harm I never ment to hurt anyone either. But from where I stand it seems I did both. I believe that I hurt my daughter's aparents by firstly contacting them and than again by going around them and contacting my daughter directly. Do I care? Yes and No. Yes because that was not what my intentions were. No because my daughter is an adult and can decide for herself if she wants contact with me. Even if I was to never meet my daughter, I hope that she knows how much I love her and always wanted her to be a part of my life. That the decision to place her was made for me and that that decision wasn't something I ever accepted. There has never been a day that I didn't think of her or wonder where she was.Was she happy,healthy and did she ever think about me. The women who gave her life who carried her for 9 months and cared for her to the best of my ability for 13 months. My life was a whirlwind for 8 wonderful weeks in 2003. The contact we had warmed my heart even though I was not learning too much about my daughter I knew from what she told me that she had had a good life. She wanted for nothing and was/is loved by her adoptive family. She had experianced things in life that I would never had been able to give her the opportunity to do. So what happened? why did contact end? Your guess is as good as mine. People say "Give her time she will come around" others say "shes young and is finding herself". No matter what her reasons are I am not going anywhere. I will wait till the end of the world for her to come around and contact me again. But I also will not sit back and not pursue finding her myself. Some day, some way I will find her. I just do not know when or how.

My oldest daughter searched and found my bdaughter. I do not regret her being found but I do regret the rapidness of how everything went after re-union. We both deserved and should have taken time to digest everything before moving forward so quickly. This caused much pain to our relationship and now, it may be too late.

I found my birthmother almost a year ago and I can honestly say from the first time we met that there has not been any regrets. Has it been easy?? No, there are days when it is difficult because I let my insecurities and doubts creep into my mind yet I do know deep in my heart that our reunion was meant to be. I was 40 when we first had contact so I think that made it easier. We live only a few miles away from each other and talk every day yet it just never seems to be enough for me. We are so alike in so many ways. It makes me feel somewhat cheated since I did not get to grow up with a mother who loved me. My amother is a very cold and uncaring woman who wanted to have kids because it was what everyone else was doing. But now I have a wonderful relationship with a very special woman and there are no regrets!

wow .....nice to hear reunions ......the good and bad......