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[font=Times New Roman]Why did it seem like every birthday and every milestone something was missing? Like someone who I loved so dearly didnt show up once again. It was almost like clock work. I would expect her to show up. I would build myself up that maybe she would come this time. But she never would come. I couldnҒt understand why she would miss such things in her own daughters life. I mean in my head I sent out a message to her hoping she would get it and come. Every birthday, holiday, and milestone I would wonder after I realized she wouldnҒt come and after I shed my tears what she would have been like if she was here. Would she have been happy, sad, and proud? I use to do things that would make her proud just so that maybe she would come to see me. I know it was wishful thinking. I know that she wont know of such things until I actually talked to her about it. (Which I now can do) but every time something big happened I looked around saw all my friends hugging and kissing there mother and here I was hugging a stranger I called mother. She wasnҒt my mother and I didnt care if she knew that. No one could replace my mom. When I saw my friends happy with them I would cry thinking how I would long to have my mother by my side. Now it just finally might happen. She might finally come to the biggest milestone in my life. I will no longer have to look around the crowd hopping to find her. I will know that she is there this time. Finally after 13 years of looking for her she will be there congratulating me and hugging me. Like all my other friends.[/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]My birth mother celebrated our birthdays. As the birth of my nephew coming I'm so scared he might live threw the same thing my sister and I did. Mothers day is coming up and I am upset with the thought. I grew up without anyone I could call my mother. [/font][font=Wingdings][font=Wingdings]L[/font][/font][font=Times New Roman]. Now I have 2 great people I can call my mother. Then my sister being a mother for this day. I donҒt know why I still feel so scared and so alone.[/font]
So you found her on the 18th? I just celebrated my 1 year with mine ont he 20th. It does happen fast for the lucky ones. Found my birthfather 6 months ago and still getting to know him. I think it's gonna take awhile for it to truly sink in that you finally found her. I mean, it's been a year for me and occasionally it hits me that this lady, she's my MOM. She gave birth to me and tried to raise me. I don't know if you actually ever completely have it sink in.
When I read the opening post, there were tears in my eyes. So many people and their thoughts. I have come to relate to so many.
I too dreamed for many years, that my bmom would show up at events and holidays in my life. I always felt strange hugging my afamily. They would congratulate me and cry. I would shed tears as well, but not for the same reasons. I wanted my real blood family there. I wanted them to share in my special time. Don't get me wrong, my afamily are wonderful people, but they are just not my blood. I recently told my amom that I have always felt a little sad and a little jeleous, that not a drop of their blood flowed in my veins. I always felt a little like an outcast. No matter what happens in my life from here on, I know my bmom will be part of it. That thought is always good to reflect on when I need a boost.
I do hope your fantasies are realised. Try to remember that your original mother is just an ordinary person - same as your amother. I also hope that your original mother felt like me. That is, that I missed my child terribly and wished things had been different. Every birthday & Christmas, every family celebration just reminded me that some other lucky couple were sharing that with my child. I just hoped that he was happy - I was always sure he was loved. Now he is an adult. I will never have the joy of sharing his excitement at opening Christmas presents or of stuffing himself with chocolate eggs at Easter time. I will never get flowers for Mother's Day. All things that I never got to share with him - all lost for ever. HOWEVER, if he WAS happy at those times, then I am glad. All I have ever wanted for my child was for him to grow up happy. I sincerely hope that this was true for him.
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