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This is my third year being reunited with my almost 28 year old daughter. For the first 2 1/2 years, she was attached to me to the point that she was almost smothering. She expected me to spend every day of the weekend with her. She called me several times every day and was worried that I would leave her. She even posted on this website stating that she was worried I would leave her and was told that she was too smothering and to back off. The whole time, she said bad things about her family. How they only cared about her brother (also adopted) and that they never listened to her... I was there for her. Even though sometimes I was busy, I always made time for her.
Six months ago, she met a guy. She immediately fell in love and everything changed. She all the sudden had "plans" with him and his family. She became close again with her family and had lots of plans with them. Of course, they like him??? I really don't and she knows it. The first time I met him, he made rude comments about all the sex they had, the second time, we were having a Christmas celebration together. She and I were talking and planning a trip together. She walked over by him and he told her that he had to talk to her and wanted to leave. There really wasn't anything important to talk about--apparently their sex life. She then immediately needed to leave. So needless to say, I'm not crazy about him. I should have kept my feelings to myself but I didn't.
My birthday came and she e-mailed me and said that they had "all these plans" and wouldn't be able to celebrate with me until three weeks after my birthday. She sent me a card and flowers as a gift. (I felt insulted-she always wants to look good to her family and goes out of her way to make sure she buys them gifts. For example, she and her boyfriend went on e-bay and bought a baseball jersey of her brother's favorite player for him for his birthday--she used to at least take time to do something more than send flowers and a card for me too.) Now all the sudden, I'm unimportant. I'm really feeling hurt.
She already has plans for getting married to this guy. She has her sister-in-law, cousin, and two friends planned for her bridesmaids. I'm sure I will get invited but placed at a table in the corner and forgotten. I don't even know if I would go to the reception, maybe just the wedding.
Her birthday is Friday. We have spent every birthday together since we have been reunited. We were not getting along for a while (because of things I said that were wrong, since I was feeling hurt), but we are trying to get our relationship back together. We had discussed going out to dinner for her birthday alone. She will be spending the morning and afternoon with her parents and her boyfriend. (They both took the day off.) She has now decided that she must spend the entire day with this guy. So, if I want to spend any of her birthday with her, I will have to go out to dinner with him too. This will be an extremely uncomfortable evening. Everything I say will be looked at and thought of as negative-I was told I was negative towards him. I decided to continue to try to build our relationship back. I'm afraid that going out with him will create too much tension and "ruin her birthday" so I said I'd rather not go out with them. I told her I don't really feel comfortable being alone with her yet much less adding her boyfriend too. It would be just too uncomfortable.
She lives with her boyfriend-although her parents think she doesn't-because he has his own condo-and they won't pay for her wedding if she lives with him. She will be spending the whole day with him, and he was planning to take her out for her birthday on Sat. Besides that, she will be spending the whole day with him. I can't believe that she is being like this. The people who she said were so mean to her and her boyfriend are now much more important to her than the person who actually gave birth to her and was there for her both emotionally and financially for the past few years.
Oh yes, stupid me, I paid her rent 3 different times and paid some of the debt she had because she had lawyers coming after her to get the money she owed. Her credit is now good because of me. I gave her a few thousand dollars all totalled. I didn't mind at the time but now I'm feeling like I was used--now that she has something better in her life, I don't really matter any more.
She is coming over tonight to spend the evening with my husband and me. I will send her a birthday card and I got her a little Easter candy but I really don't feel like getting her a birthday present. I'm tired of feeling used. My husband and I are moving and will be making two house payments for a while so we can work on the house we are currently living in before we sell it. I think I will just tell her things are tight and I really wasn't able to get her anything. Hope she understands. I'm cooking dinner for her which is more than she did for me.
Thanks for listening to me babble. I'm just feeling like I've lost her all over again. I gave her up once, we were reunited and became very close. Now, I'm losing her all over again--to her parents, her boyfriend, and his family. I'm grieving the loss all over again, 28 years later. It sucks!!!
:(
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I poured my heart out to her and cried my eyes out explaining how I'm reliving the grief I felt when I gave her up and that I feel like that is happening all over again. We are trying to build our relationship back now. It just doesn't matter though. As long as she gets her needs met. Her boyfriend has now replaced me. She was obsessed with me and blew everyone else off to spend time with me. Now that is how she is with him. Although, now that she has someone, her family has spent more time talking to her and so now she feels validated by them and so now they are all a happy family. I'm now just a person in her life.
Oh ya, I forgot to mention-when I asked if she could spend her birthday evening with me since she was spending the day with her boyfriend and her parents and he would be taking her out on Sat., she told me that she wanted to spend her birthday with her boyfriend because "people want to spend their birthday with their loved ones". O.K., what am I. Also, what about my birthday? I would have appreciated spending my birthday with her-my loved one...we still haven't done anything for my birthday which was at the beginning of Feb.
Maybe it is your turn to back off just a bit. I know it may be tough but as your post goes on I read a lot of anger as to who she is paying more attention to. And please keep in mind some of the issues that are normal for adoptees, has she truely delt with the fear of abondonment? It doesn't sound like she has from what you wrote.
Know that you showed her your love, and she did you as well. And please try not to compare gifts. The time spent I can understand, it sounds like she is maybe too hooked on a guy and until that turns bad, she may not really see it.
Backing away right now might be so painful, but maybe the best way for you to take care of yourself.
I am sorry you are having to feel this pain all over again.
Nugget,
Thanks for your reply. Yes there is a lot of anger, pain, and sadness. I don't really care what she gets me, that's not the point. The point is that I just want her to show some of the love and care that she used to have for me. I have backed off. Since Christmas, I have seen her two times. The first time, we planned to spend the day together. I went to her house. We went out to lunch, then sat and watched T.V. I asked her if she wanted to go do something, if not, I would probably just leave-had the flu but wanted to spend time with her but didn't want to just sit in front of the T.V. all day. She asked if I minded leaving (after being together for two hours and having not seen or spoken to each other for about 2 months). Well, that was another stab in the heart and salt rubbed in the wound. I didn't really talk to her again until we planned to spend the day together again a couple of weeks ago. We did have a good day together. Things will never be the same. It will take a long time before things will ever be close to where they were before.
I'm sure she will be getting engaged on Friday (after a 6 month relationship with a man who just got divorced, and her first real relationship). Every month, they make special plans to celebrate-for six months, they went out of town, for one year, they are going on a cruise. (I wonder what they will do at five years or ten years of marriage?) Maybe it will work out but chances are that when the excitement and newness wears off and her family doesn't continue to be so excited about her having a boyfriend any more. When she is no longer the center of attention and life gets back to normal, she will probably realize what a mistake she made jumping into a relationship with someone she met on the internet. Someone she gave her key to less than a month after they met. I'll be there for her to pick up the pieces if she wants but in the meantime, I continue to feel hurt and rejected.
I have decided that I need to stop expecting anything from her. I tried to back away when she first met him and I didn't agree with the speed of her involvement in the relationship. She wouldn't let me (or she made me feel like it would hurt her too much if I did). Not being able to be away from my feelings caused me to let them be known and caused lots of problems. I don't think it is fair or right that she expects everything to go the way that she wants it to and has little regard for my feelings. (When she had nobody else, she expected me to be her life, then when someone else came along, I was pushed off to the side.) I'm sure that if anything happens to her relationship with her family or her boyfriend, she will expect me to be there for her and I will.
It is just so sad and disappointing that we were separated, got so close, and then I lost her again. It bothers my husband, my mom, and my sisters too. They all knew how close we were and it hurts that things have turned out the way they have. :(
I'm just so sorry for the pain involved. And it sounds like there is bound to be more, her coming and going.
Maybe, when she comes for you to pick up the pieces, then you should say something to her about this pattern and how it is not healthy for you.
Bottom line is you can't change her, only tell her what you see and feel. And, you need to tkae care of you.
Hugs to you,
Wendy
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