Staying at home with children?

We adopted 2 children from Guatemala (brought home at 17 mo and 6 mo). Our toddler has had some attachment/transition issues. He attached (albeit rather insecurely) to my dh and would not acknowledge me at all. He wouldn't look at me, and if he did, it was out of the corner of his eye...as if he hoped I would disappear. His attachment to my dh was instant, but Ed could not leave his "grip"...even to move several inches away at the table would result in an incessant whine (EEEEEE) and if Ed so much as paid any attention to anyone else, it resulted in the heartbroken "how could you do this to me" sobbing that went on until affection was returned to Alex, and then the sobbing shut off like a switch. We finally had to go tough love with Alex and Ed...Alex is learning to live with Ed not paying constant attention to him. I stay home with Alex full-time, so he's finally had to acknowledge me - and things are getting better and better. We have been home almost 3 months now. The first two months were the worst...we've come a long distance with attachment to Alex, but we still have days when he reverts back to how he acted when we first came home. Read lots...get help if you need it... As for staying home...I knew that was our option all along, I would suspect that attachment will eventually happen...it just may take a lot longer. But, it all depends on the child as well...you may get two very easy going kids... Hope your adoption journey is smooth!

Certainly, in an ideal world, it might be great if every adoptive Mom and/or Dad could stay home with newly adopted children for six months or more. However, if that "ideal" was turned into a law, there would be a lot of children who would never find permanent loving homes. Many, many parents, both single and married, just can't stay home for six months. And, interestingly, the vast majority of children will do just fine, even if one of their married parents or their single Mom or Dad must return to work after a fairly short period at home. Many children figure out, after only a relatively brief time of intense bonding, that they have a "forever parent" who "always comes back." And many parents master the art of giving their kids 110% during the non-working hours, so that their child have plenty of time and attention. My suggestion to you is to go forward with the adoption of two children. You will have time to bond with them while you are still in Kazakhstan, as well as once you arrive home. In most cases, by the time you have to return to work, they will be on an even keel and pretty secure. However, you should be prepared for the fact that some kids MAY have attachment issues, just as you should be prepared for the fact that some kids will have previously unknown or undisclosed medical problems. If one of your children turned out to have a medical issue that would require frequent doctors' appointments, I'm sure that you would either reduce your work hours or quit your job, so that you could meet his/her needs. You wouldn't simply say, "Well, I have to work, so this child isn't going to get the treatment he/she needs." In the same way, when you get to know your new children, you will see whether they have any significant emotional issues, especially attachment issues, that require treatment. This treatment may involve professional intervention or simply very intense parenting. If you feel that one or both of the children will do poorly if placed into day care, or even with a nanny, I'm sure that you will make the decision to cut expenses somewhere, so that you can reduce your hours or stay home. None of us can predict what our children -- bio or adopted -- will need. It is reasonable to proceed with adoption, or with having a biological child, if we recognize that there is no certainty that we will receive a totally healthy child. Yes, most adopted children will be pretty healthy, once we get them over minor bugs and the shock of being taken from their old way of life. And most children are very resilient. But we also have to recognize that some circumstances may require more of us in terms of time and cost. If those circumstances arise, we have to be willing to do what it takes to help our children heal and optimize their development. Sharon