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My husband and I have a daughter who is 16 months old. Because I had a very difficult pregnancy and continuing medical issues for a year afterwards we are considering adoption for our second child. After reading so many of these posts I am truly scared that I will hurting a child by adopting them. My husband and I never even use the term bio-daughter or adopted child. We plan on just having "our children" grow up together in a home full of love and respect and unity. Everyday children are born or adopted into horrible situations...I think that is sad and awful and unfair!! But it seems like some many of the adoptees on this board are missing pieces of themselves and miserable over being adopted or feel that they can't keep long term relationships or have been robbed of their birth mothers/fathers/families. Are any of you just happy people who the adoption did not make feel different from others? How can I, has a mother, not have my child post these thoughts on a board someday? You know what I mean? And we plan on adopting from another country so that would make a search for a biological family near impossible so how will that effect my child's future? I was not adopted but my parents were not perfect at all. They both made a lot of mistakes and those mistakes effected the person that I am today. My goal as a mother is to not be perfect but to do my best and love my children everyday, no matter what. I can't promise that I will never make any mistakes.We have very close friends who adopted a child and their "gotcha day" is such a big celebration and important day yet after reading these posts it is as if they are doing something very wrong. They love their daughter SOOO much and this day is all about that love. I feel like I would do sooo many things that in the future my child will say "that made me feel like a posession".I am questioning my decision to adopt because I feel like there is no way that I can make my child not feel so many negative emotions. I am just a mother who wants to love her children. I do know a few things..I am hoping that these are 'correct"-WE are blessed to have a second child...it is NOT the child who is "lucky" to be adopted by us-The child will be treated NO differently than any other child in our family, extended family etc...-Our children will be taught to care about ALL people, regardless of race, religion, or any other factor-Our child will know the story of his adoption just as our daughter will know about my pregnancy. We will never hide the fact from him but we will not also make him feel that he is different because of it or focus on it all the time, just like we don't discuss my pregnancy all the time.-We are honest with our children. If you ask a question, you get a honest answer. We don't lie.I guess I am just looking to hear from people who don't considered themselves adopted but rather just children of 2 people who love them.
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Michelle: I'm so glad you got a link to that thread.
I think one of the most important things to remember is that things are so different now, with the advance of open adoption. There are books available that talk about adoptee grief, unresolved issues, and how to be a responsible adoptive parent in that regard.
For me, it was helpful to start off by acknowleding these facts:
1. Adoption is based on loss, for everyone involved. No matter what. It is a bittersweet event.
2. Pretending that there aren't problems won't make them go away. It will only decrease trust on the part of my child. How can I truly be her mother if I pretend that I'm the ONLY mother?
3. Although I'm not an adoptee, I am an incest/child sexual abuse survivor. I know what it's like to have the elephant in the room that nobody talks about, to live in denial, to pretend, to keep secrets. I refuse to raise my child the same way.
Keep reading! That's the important thing. The fact that you can go into adoption with your eyes open will go a long way to raising a healthy child. Read here, read Lois Melina's books, read read read.
Good luck to you.
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I am an adoptee who always wanted to search for my birth parents but this in no way took anything away from my adoptive parents. I loved my aparents with all of my heart. They are both gone now and I would give anything to be able to hug them again.
In searching for my birth parents there was never any thought given to finding my "real" parents. I already had them. But there was a longing to look like someone, to know "where" I came from, to find someone with similar traits, to know what health issues were lurking in my background. And yes finding my birth family has been one of the most awesome experiences of my life. There is an infinite capacity in our hearts to love. So there is room for everyone!
It sounds as though you plan to be very open with your children. I think that is one of the only things I would want to change about my relationship with my aparents. (And I also realize that never discussing adoption was also more common than not in the time I grew up in.)
My aparents couldn't understand why I was not more like them. I am very quiet they were very outgoing for example. But now knowing that our personalities are formed in the womb has made me realize that there was nothing "wrong" with me. It is just the way I was meant to be - no right or wrong about it. It is wonderful that there is so much more openness in adoption now and so much more info. available.
Just the fact that you posted here is a sign that you really want to do the best parenting job as you can! That is awesome
Snuffie
Thank everyone for their posting in this thread. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. We're looking into adoption and everywhere I looked I saw the negative information. Even in spite of the negative information, we registered with our state to enroll in the course pre-homestudy. I was digging in and preparing to invite hell into my home by adoption (according to the negative press) - yet still try and be a parent to our daughter and show her love, kindness, forgiveness, patience and whatever other assistance I could. I went from a 'dream' of adoption to accepting that it would be more like normandy on d-day. What didn't waiver was my determination to adopt. Given we're looking to adopt much older (10-14yr old), we get even worse press.This was a needed and important thread, thanks for restoring my hope that I'm not the bad guy for wanting to adopt and help a girl who is in foster care.
I was in the same situation, I was really shaken up when I first started coming here about how many people felt pain about their adoption. so I did what I do when I'm confused, read, read, read. From personal experience of my own and people I love, I know that not all adoptees feel the same about their adoption, just the same as you cannot generalize any group of people really. We now have our 2nd daughter and couldn't be happier. My hopes are that she knows how loved she is and how much her bmom wanted her to have us as parents, that she grows with a strong racial identity. All we can do is try our best. I hope you aren't too dissuaded, I think adoption can be a very powerful and positive experience.
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Michele,
I hope you do make it through the thread that was given (and thanks for doing that Kelli!!). It was helpful for me. We have 2 bio and 2 achildren. Remember, too, that often people distinguish between bio and adoptive on the boards because we don't all know each other, and it is a place to go for support/discussion related to adoption.
Hi It sounds like you will be a great mother to YOUR children. I am an adoptee that is very lucky also to have been placed in a loving secure home. I have always told people that I was not my parents gift but they were mine. And I mean that with all my heart. I am 36 and have a family of my own. I have lost my father to cancer about 4 years ago. He had been sick with numerous health issues so we thought it was any of those that were making him tired and weak. When he died I took care of all the arrangements, and my mom who was in shock because we found out on a tuesday that he had a huge tumor in his kidney and the following tuesday he passed away. Before he died I always told people that when he died I would die to. that I would be found hiding in my closet not knowing how to go on. He was my best freind. He loved me more then anything in his life. He was a open ear to any of my problems. When knowone else would listen with a open mind. He gave me advice in a gentle way that I would not get defensive to. I am convinced that god put us together because he had a huge lesson to teach me. One that I didn't get untell he died. When he died all of our family and all of our freinds thought I had been in some state of shock. My mom was yes but not me. I stayed by his bedside and took care of him untell he left us. And then took care of everything after. This is what I told everyone I talked to. "I can't cry right know and don't know when I will. I am to busy celebrating his life and thanking god for giving him to me." What made me so special that god would give him to me. You know people like him. The kind of person who is really interested in who you are. Kind beyond words. There were so many people at his funeral. He touched poeple when he met them. They always remembered him. He was always fair and loving. So I would also say " I could have had a horrible father for 32 years and instead because of the gift of adoption I had the best father that a girl could be given. What is there to cry about when you are given something like that."I was just so gratefull and didn't want to seem selfish or ungratefull by being angry that god took him back. He was one of gods special angels and he wanted him home. Could I blame him. Your children have been given the gift of you. And even though i am really curious about my birthparents and when I was little I guess I did feel a little abandoned by them, I grew up, and didn't feel like that anymore. I knew that it was selfless act and it was what was meant to be for me. If babys didn't have people willing to take on all the issues of adoption kids like me wouldn't get the option of a loving family and we wouldn't be able to tell good stories like this one God bless and enjoy your children they will be ok. In loving thanks Andi
I am an adoptee who adopted a little girl from China, and I would love to do it again. There was a part of me who was scared that I would not feel complete. She is her own person and I will always treat her that way. Some come into the world and are adopted, some come into abusive situations, poverty, etc. But by reading your thread, I believe you have your act together and will make wonderful parents. Things have changed over the years, it isn't a dirty little secret anymore. I had parents that were always open and honest and never treated me like the "adopted daughter". Now, I want to know more about my story. But as I begin the search, I am only more sure about who my family was; imperfect, disfunctional, and all. Lee
lee, You brought up some things that has been heavy on my mind. I have just started my search also and I have to say that the reason I didn't do it sooner was that I was so afraid of opening acan of worms. I have been so secure in my adoptive family and am so afraid of bringing problems in my life. I guess that I have always believed that there is good in everyone and that anyone who puts up a child for a beter life has to be good deep down. I just know that if I did it, I would pay in the mental health area heavily. It would tear me apart to give away one of my children. Even if I knew it was best. My point in this post is that I am so lucky to have a great adoptive family and if things don't look stable or safe for me to pursue then I will only appritiate the stable loving home my parents provided for me. Just another reason to love them more. I might not feel like I lost to much. BUT from reading others posts I have learned that you should never say never , and I really might not know untell I am there. Good luck to you and if you need someone to talk to I would love to hear from you. Andi
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From personal experience, I would say that in order to raise a well-adjusted child that you have adopted, you need to do 2 things: 1) Form a strong bond with your adopted child. There is a natural bond that exists between a mother and her natural child that doesn't automatically exist with an adopted child. I think you have to work extra hard to make sure you have a strong relationship, because when they grow up, if they don't have a the natural "blood" tie and they don't really have a familial tie to you, then there is really no connection at all. That's how I feel with my adoptive mother, who, though I consider her to be my mother and all that that term contains, we don't have any sort of mother-daughter relationship. My adoptive father has always tried really hard to bond with me, and it shows, because we are very close. 2) Don't ever try to cover up where your child came from, or stifle any desire that they may have to know more. The worst thing you can do is insist that they are just like you, and that they are no different. Though you mean well when you say this, and hope that by insisting that they are no different you are including them in your family, it is hurtful for the child not to be allowed to know about where they came from. They lose a part of their identity when where they came from is kept a secret, and especially when they find out they are adopted and it feels like pieces of the puzzle are missing.
michele31mom
My husband and I have a daughter who is 16 months old. Because I had a very difficult pregnancy and continuing medical issues for a year afterwards we are considering adoption for our second child. After reading so many of these posts I am truly scared that I will hurting a child by adopting them. My husband and I never even use the term bio-daughter or adopted child. We plan on just having "our children" grow up together in a home full of love and respect and unity. Everyday children are born or adopted into horrible situations...I think that is sad and awful and unfair!! But it seems like some many of the adoptees on this board are missing pieces of themselves and miserable over being adopted or feel that they can't keep long term relationships or have been robbed of their birth mothers/fathers/families. Are any of you just happy people who the adoption did not make feel different from others? How can I, has a mother, not have my child post these thoughts on a board someday? You know what I mean? And we plan on adopting from another country so that would make a search for a biological family near impossible so how will that effect my child's future? I was not adopted but my parents were not perfect at all. They both made a lot of mistakes and those mistakes effected the person that I am today. My goal as a mother is to not be perfect but to do my best and love my children everyday, no matter what. I can't promise that I will never make any mistakes.We have very close friends who adopted a child and their "gotcha day" is such a big celebration and important day yet after reading these posts it is as if they are doing something very wrong. They love their daughter SOOO much and this day is all about that love. I feel like I would do sooo many things that in the future my child will say "that made me feel like a posession".I am questioning my decision to adopt because I feel like there is no way that I can make my child not feel so many negative emotions. I am just a mother who wants to love her children. I do know a few things..I am hoping that these are 'correct"-WE are blessed to have a second child...it is NOT the child who is "lucky" to be adopted by us-The child will be treated NO differently than any other child in our family, extended family etc...-Our children will be taught to care about ALL people, regardless of race, religion, or any other factor-Our child will know the story of his adoption just as our daughter will know about my pregnancy. We will never hide the fact from him but we will not also make him feel that he is different because of it or focus on it all the time, just like we don't discuss my pregnancy all the time.-We are honest with our children. If you ask a question, you get a honest answer. We don't lie.I guess I am just looking to hear from people who don't considered themselves adopted but rather just children of 2 people who love them.
Just always be honest with your children.
My husband is an adoptee. I would like medical information for my children. He isn't so conerned. He knows this board exists but really feels no need to use it.
But his mom (which he refuses the term adopted mom) adore him. He adored her. Don't worry. I think the fact that you are concerned will make you even that much more of a great parent to your children.
I wanted to write you as an adoptee. I do feel that a piece of myself is missing....and I long to reconnect with my b-mom, but I have never, not even for a second wished my life had been different. I have awsome adoptive parents, they treat me like their own, nobody would know I was adopted if I didn't tell them. I am glad I was adopted. I do not think my a-parents did me any harm by adopting me. My b-mom had her reasons for giving me up and I know she wanted the best life possible for me, and I got it......so I say if you want to adopt....got for it. There is a child out there who needs a mommy like you and a b-mom who wants something better for her child than she can offer. God Bless and Good Luck
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Congratulations for wanting to adopt an older child. We did get lucky with a "perfect" daughter who I am sure I am screwing up somehow now.I just started a blog about her [url]www.adoptingemma.blogspot.com[/url] and have had a couple of negative posters and have got into a negative back and forth with them.Anyone who is a good parent and willing to take on an adopted kid or a special needs kid should be applauded not questioned or nitpicked for changing the kids name! sheesshhh
I bonded within about a week with our adopted 6 week old daughter. Not bad for a guy!!! i.e. stay at home dad. It has taken my wife longer because she didn't have the "time" that I did. It just takes time of staring in that babies eyes. They are pretty good at getting you attached to them if you've got the time :) Emma is awesome! [url]www.adoptingemma.blogspot.com[/url]Congratulations!