Clueless Relatives/Friends

I think it is a kind of un-educated point of view. I know that we adopted because I could not have children, and I don't think peopel who CAN have their own children understand just how much you will agree to in order to have that love. Did I make myself clear??? Or did I talk myself into a corner?? I think these people who never had to "share" their children or hope that YOU would be the chosen one for this baby can really comprehend. I know I have several relatives that can get PG just by sneezing on them. Some were even teen mothers or had abortions...they just don't understand the true gift they are given. Not only that, but your child will have SO much more respect for you as they grow to knwo that no matter what ** ever did...YOU tried!

What I do when people ask me why I want to do an open adoption vs. closed or international adoption is I tell them that I try to put myself in the shoes of the child. It would drive me nuts not to know who I looked like, where I came from, and who my whole family was. Then I tried to put myself in the position of the bfamily. I can't imagine having a baby and then not knowing what happened to him/her. Every time I heard about a child abuse case or something happening to a child around the age of my child, I would be sick with worry. Then, in my case...when I adopt my baby, I want to know his/her bfamily too. Otherwise I'd be looking at every stranger that went by that remotely resemebled my child wondering if they were part of his/her bfamily. There are so many wonderful benefits of knowing the truth. I don't know about you but I have a very active imagination... Open adoption is the only way I can do it. We've been waiting a while, and I have to admit that I'm getting a little impatient...but I know this is the way I'll be a mom someday.

[font=Comic Sans MS]bdad's stepfather told us that we were doing a terrible thing because we would still be in her life. He said that a closed adoption would be better and that we would be able to heal. I told him that I didn't want her to grow up not knowing who we are and that we loved her enough that since we knew that we wouldn't be able to raise her we chose who her family would be and that she would always know who we were.[/font]

I think many people who don't get it are thinking about themselves and what's best for the adults-what is perceived as "easiest". I do get the comment "oh I could never do that", rarely do they question what this might be like for the child. Those that think the child will be confused-I ask them about all the blended families we have today, the different permutations of family. That usually shuts most up and gives them something to think about. It will take them a while to get the idea of committment-most people don't really know the meaning of the word.

[font=Century Gothic]My family has been very supportive, but my dad surprised me the other day. We were talking about J and how she wants to see us sometime soon. My dad got a look on his face and said,"she doesn't need to come up here. Don't you send her pictures and call her?" [/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]:grr: I got upset inside, but only said, "when I lived in PA for 3 months, and we talked on the phone and I sent you pics, was that the same as seeing me in person? And I was 23."[/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]He didn't say anything, but he got the point.[/font][font=Century Gothic]----[/font][font=Century Gothic]A friend, who has been there throughout our entire journey, said the other day,"I couldn't just GIVE UP my child like that. I guess I don't have that kind of love."[/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]Was she not listening to anything we've been telling her? Or comprehending nothing she's read? :grr: <SIGH>[/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]I said,"she doesn't have that type of love either, since she didn't "just give her up". J has told us many times that she, with great deliberation and love PLACED her with us. It was a life-altering decision that she did not make lightly.[/font][font=Century Gothic]THAT is the type of love she has."[/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]She hugged me and apologized, but I do not expect that to be the normal reaction. LOL All we can do is educate.[/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic][/font]

For me, I came to realize that they couldn't understand it as well as I do because they haven't been there. It's just like those who couldn't possibly understand infertility or miscarriage if they haven't been there. THey probably won't ever truly understand the bond with your child's birthmother... I know for me, my love for her is unexplainable. I've only seen her a couple times since DD's birth, and have little contact at this point (her choice), but I am drawn to that relnship. I can't explain it. I think that you just have to gently speak positively about your position on it. Alot of the negativity I have experienced has been because they can't imagine the experience of "sharing" with another person the love of a mother. They can't fathom it... but you know... you know it is multiplied, not "split". We know what is best for our kids, and that includes a relnship with birth family as much as it is possible. We know it's a part of what she needs to grow up... we know that, they don't have to understand.

I get it!!! :grouphug: I have been in your shoe's. In the end, the only thing that really worked... was earplugs!!!! Follow your heart. :flower:

Been there! My sister and I are SO close I think she is about the ONLY family member that really gets it! My BIL said the other day "that relationship you have with C's birthmom is just weird".... coming from someone that just doesn't "get it". I think there will always be people that do have a heart and really understand and then there are more of those that just don't understand the bond we have with our children's birth parents and what is truely best for our children.

My mother thinks that T should disappear. ( My mother is an adoptee) My step mother in law thinks T should disappear. ( my step mother in law is an adoptee) My cousin thinks T should disappear. ( My cousin has 2 children who he adopted) I'm not sure if the open adoption is a factor or the fact that T is a drug addict and a career criminal. To be very honest, I am not really sure what we will do when she gets out. But they dont understand why I write so much and send pics. I try to tell them that even if we don't allow contact, I will still send letters and pics.

I also feel like no one understands how I truly feel towards my daughters bmom, heck, i don't even understand. But i know it has something to do with the fact that I have seen the same love in her eyes that she feels towards her daughter as I do towards my daughter.....and the confusing part is that it is the same child and we are both her mother. I don't think anyone can truly understand or even have any idea what it feels like to be in the postion, unless you have experienced it. Even though her bmom and I are so different.....I could not ever imagine thinking that either one of us LOVES her anymore or anyless than the other. That gives me a special connection to her that regardless of how different we are, we are so much a like in the way that really matters for our daughter.

I can honestly say that NO ONE that I know(in person...not talking about the forums) believes that open adoption is best. Everyone thinks it is either a terrible idea, or just plane not a good idea. My husband feels completely closed is best. I'm still on the fence, I've seen the good and the bad and have come to realize that semi-open is probably best for our daughter and our family.....fully open just becomes way to comlicated for everyone.