Worried about how mother will treat AA child....

What you have to decide is IF you are willing to eliminate your mother from your life for the sake of your child. It is NEVER fair to purposefully bring a child into a life where they will be talked down to / resented / not loved by the people who are supposed to support and love them the most - their family. But to consciously make that choice through adoption does a huge disservice to the child, and the child's birthfamily who is making a LARGE sacrifice for the hope of a "better" life for their child. Lots of times we can say (and its true) that racist people will change their views "once they get to know the child". And your mother may very well fall head over heels in love with her grandchild. Or it could be the community in general that is non-accepting, but may come to accept your child - but is it fair to the child to be forced to become a one person ambassador for their race? Its a VERY heavy burden for an adult to carry - how much harder for a child? So, if you are prepared to protect, nurture and support your child NO MATTER WHAT THE COST (including terminating all contact with your mom) then go for it. And to be honest, I wouldnt want ANY child exposed to those views - white, black or otherwise. Jen

Absolutely. I've often said that if a couple has to 'talk themselves into adopting transracially, then they shouldn't do so. What Jensboys mentions is very true. Four of our children are transracial adoptions. Two are Asian, two are AA. Two are grown; two are toddlers. Before we ventured into transracial adoption, we pretty much knew where everyone was going to stand....and considered that anyone else we might know, who would otherwise think negatively(which would have surprised us)...just wouldn't have been a part of our lives. We did not/do not live in an extremely racially diverse place. We lived/ and do now live, on a farm which has been a great place to raise all of the kids. However, the nearest little tiny town-- a few miles away, is a rotten little place, to say the least. We knew all along that full acceptance of our kids might be questionable. But.......a few miles farther, is a college town with more diversity. It is there that we have basically 'made our home'.....where we go to church, shop, have our friends, for the most part. For the two children who are already grown, the rotten little town did accept them----at least for the most part, and thus far, what little we've experienced with our younger two, has been pretty favorable. However, as I stated, our main interests do not lie with that population.....so we have basically taken it out of our lives. That has been much easier to do, than if we would have had to separate ourselves from our families.......but we knew 'what the score was' before adopting our first. It is a huge consideration...and shouldn't be taken lightly, IMO. Sincerely, Linny

I agree with Linny and Jensboys on this topic. I had a few family members say some dumb things when they found out I was going to be adopting an AA child. One being..."Why don't you adopt a cute little Chinese baby?" And..."People are going to think you slept with a black man." But after telling them what lousy things to say...they were fine with my adopting an AA child. It was adopting as a single person that they were not thrilled about at first. But I KNEW that if anyone if my family was going to look at or talk to my child differently because of his skin color...then that person would be out of my life. Family means a lot to me but my son's well being is first and foremost. If you mom is truley a racist, I would not go forward with a transracial adoption unless you are willing to exclude her from you life. I know that would be a hard thing to do, but it wouldn't be fair to your child to be exposed to a person with such beliefs. Good luck in your decision.

Hi ChickPea, I think it is essential that these familial issues be examined closely and discussed long before a child arrives, and I commend you for doing so. I can only echo what Jensboys, Linny and Bethany have said. If you proceed, you must be ready and willing, to sever all ties with those who could potentially damage your child's confidence and spirit, including your mother. Words are powerful, as are the subtle expressions of feelings and views. Everytime I read on these boards that someone has chosen to adopt transracially and they hope that their racist family member will accept and love their child upon arrival, I cringe. It is naive and unfair to the child. If "the offender" has not already found the impetus to get with the program and judge others based on their character, it is unlikely to happen now. If one is truly worried about this issue and another's response then there is probably good reason, and the reaction may not be an affirmative one, ever. Further, it makes me even more fearful when a discussion arises about the acceptance of the child without a change in views and expressions; that tells me that the "offender" has separated that child from his race and believes that "he" is okay, but as a whole "they" are not. This is particularly disturbing, as it will ultimately affect a child's sense of self, strength and pride. I think you have to search your heart and determine your own strength. When and if you decide to proceed, I think you must confront your mother and tell her how things will be, what you expect and that you will tolerate nothing less. You can only give her the benefit of the doubt and fully expect that she will love your child; if she doesn't, you will have to be prepared. Wishing you peace.

Chick, I reread your post and it dawned on me that maybe you are fully prepared to sever ties with your mother if she is unable to change and that your concern is a child having a grandparent that does not accept him. Well, it is not ideal, but pretty common I think and really not that devastating if handled properly. I have shared this story before but will again. Several years ago I watched a program with Richard Dreyfus. He talked about his son and his marriage and shared how he had to explain to his young son who inquired about why he (the son) did not know his mother's (Richard's wife's) parents. Apparently Richard's parents were very very close and visited regularly; the son knew that his mother's parents were living and was confounded by this difference of relationship. Richard explained that when he met his wife that her parents said that he was not acceptable to them and not welcome in their home because he was Jewish. She told them she intended to marry Richard; they said that if she did, she was no longer welcome in their home. He explained, age appropriately, that it was sad that they had made such a decision, especially for "mom" (his dw) but that some people have a hard time growing and seeing the world outside of their own personal experience. He made it very clear that it was not his son's fault and talked about the many other people who loved them. It was a great discussion and showed how one can acknowledge the loss while continuing to place the responsibility of acceptance on the parents. I agree with Jen; I would not permit any child of mine, regardless of race, to be exposed to views of hate and toxicity, regardless from whom they came.

Thank you for the responses. I appreciate the advice. I did speak with my mother briefly today to let her know we are moving forward with adoption. I also mentioned "broke the news" that we are open to any race. She reacted how I expected. She thinks it is a bad idea. I told her we are excited to adopt a child, and to us it did not matter the race. She thinks I am naive, and there are too many cultural differences. It didn't seem to matter to her that I have researched the differences, and read many stories on here, and know where I need to go for information and support. I am saddened about this. Rehedded you are correct in your assumption that I would be willing to sever ties with my mother. We actually had not spoken for 3 years after the death of my father, and are just in the rebuilding stages of our relationship now. I really don't know how to sit down and discuss this with her at this point.Hubby and I still have some time to sort things out and to decide what is best. I just do not want to close the door to a child because someone in my family refuses to change with the times. :(But what I want even less is to open my home to a child and have them feel discriminated against within their own family. :(