What's Legal and What's Not

It wasn't any legal challenges that resulted in our decision to go to China. We had several failed adoption attempts. No papers had been signed, but we spent several thousand dollars in travel expenses and quite frankly, were treated like the bad guys in the situations. We were the "baby stealers". We were the ones who were going to take the baby from them. We were interrogated again by extended family members of the mother. We were tired of jumping through even more hoops to prove, yet again, that we could be good parents. We decided that if we were going to jump through hoops, we wanted a better chance of having a baby. Our decision was a good one. Our daughter fits into our family beautifully and we quickly realized that we were also rescuing her from a very uncertain future. If she were to age out of the Chinese system, she would probably have little education, no money, and no family and would probably end trying to survive on the streets. Children in the US foster care system have all the advantages of further education, in fact they must be enrolled in school through high school. They have the blessing of living in the United States and all the advantages that come with it. They have a family that they are living with and not institutionalized in an orphanage. Yes, permanance would be the best for them and having a family to adopt them is important, but for girls in China and children in other orphanages, it is a very sad existence with no future. I would not change our decision at all.

"Children in the US foster care system have all the advantages of further education, in fact they must be enrolled in school through high school. They have the blessing of living in the United States and all the advantages that come with it. They have a family that they are living with and not institutionalized in an orphanage." im sorry, i have to disagree. I would bet that ALL infants in the united states foster care system do get adopted, and quickly. im assuming your talking about Older kids in the system who were severly abused and neglected. the problem with your post, is that you are assuming kids who were abused and neglected have not been affected by it. there are many problems with the foster care system. Consistancy is being one of them. Some foster parents who cannot handle the child that came to them, do have an option to remove them from their home, and so does the next one, and the next one and the next one. there are no advantages of this. these kids cannot attach to any adults because adults cant be trusted, all they learn is people just throw them out like garbage becauase they cant handle their behaviors. so, finishing high school, going to college...all very nice....and a wonderful idea...all those advantages... but alot of kids who go through the foster care system, wont finish high school. check your facts before you say that kids in the US foster care system has its benifits....it doesnt. yes, only the strong survive. infants are in high demand, and im pretty certain that if an infant comes into the foster care system, there will be a line out the door by couples who would want to adopt the baby....these babies do not make it in the foster care system for any long period of time. im not saying an orphanage is better then a foster home, both have its draw backs...but please dont assume kids in the foster care system have alot of benifits.... on paper it looks good, but how many actually can use all those 'benefits' when they are just trying to survive and learn how to heal...... it was a very broad statement.....alot of kids in the foster care system have been severly damaged...

I do understand there are problems with the foster care system and am completely sympathetic to them. I have the greatest admiration for those parents who open their hearts and lives to those damaged in our foster care system. In my opinion, they are heroes even if they don't believe they are. I am saying that for my family, we grew tired of jumping through hoops for 4 years and having too many failures. When we looked into the adopting through the state foster care we asked about adoption and were told, "You mean foster care" I said, "No, I mean adoption." I was informed then that we would have to prepare for a child being given back to parents who were trying to get their life together. I did not want to subject myself and my 5 year old to this. We had already chased children around the country and held 2 babies and had to give them back. It was too much. As I stated, permanence for our foster children is the best for them. One would have to be stupid to believe that kids who have been abused and neglected have not been affected by it. Of course they have! However, these children need to be told about the benefits available to them so they can take advantage of them and I would happily give my tax dollars to support that. I also support any comprehensive therapy for them as they certainly need it to heal from the damage they have received. I agree that the state doesn't provide as well as private family insurance would, but compared to what children in orphanages receive, it is gold. I wish we didn't have children in our foster care system at all. If only people would have to jump through hoops like adoptive parents do to prove they can parent BEFORE they have children, we wouldn't have this problem. My good friend became a ward of the state when he went to prison at 15. When he was released, he took complete advantage of the educational opportunities available to him for little or no cost and is now a married, tenured college professor who regularly visits juvenile prisons to educate them about their options and uses his own life as an example. Of course, when they see his gorgeous and talented wife, they certainly take notice!

I was overly optimistic when we first began the process for a domestic adoption of an infant beginning in early 2003. Then I joined the forums and was sad to see so many domestic adoptions fall through, many while the padoptive parents had cared for the child, only to have to return the baby to their parents (which, of course, they should have). But I often wondered about those situations and how it could have been avoided. I have learned so much from being a member here and after match after match in which we were chosen and then the parents decided to parent, we became a little disheartened. Fast forward to now and I have also been heartbroken after learnign some devastating statistics about older children in the foster care system. While any infants "waiting" will do so for short periods of time, I learned that the average older child in the system will wait an average of 2 years even before they may be considered for adoption, and most of those are in the younger age ranges, the majority will "age out" of the system. When I learned that 80% of prison inmates had at one time or another been in the foster care system, then this seriously bothered me. Either we will pay when they are young or we'll pay later (as a society). We have since decided to take a leap of faith and work with an agency that will match us with up to 2 children currently in the system. I am nervous but hopeful and will continue to educate myself. I have already learned a ton here and am open to so much more. It will not be an easy road but we're willing to remain optimistic. I don't remember the actual statistics quoted in the intake meeting but I was alarmed to find that a large percentage of the children int he system do not complete high school, so who is going to be there to help them. It's usually, you're 18, here's a small sum of money, have a good life! Most end up on the street and quickly learn survival skills that often lead them down a road of crime, drugs, etc. Who is there to ensure that they get their GED, apply for college (without a perm. address, app. fees, etc.)? WHo will let them know that their state college will pay for their education? Who will mentor them through this time? I know that I still needed adult guidance when I was 18. A lot of things in the domestic arena could be avoided but I guess we are dealing with human emotions. I can understand padoptive parents willing to take the risk, a parent changing their mind, a couple seeking international adoption and the ills that face the foster care system. At the center of it all are the children. Who will love them? Hopefully, we will! :)

klee4 what a great post. Just a few points to make you feel more comfortable adopting domestic...older kids...and that means..not an infant. yes, all these kids will test, but most do come around. Its a little crazy at the beginning, but after a while, you really get to know them and what makes them tick...just like with everyone else. My younger son, who was almost 5 when he came to us, in all accounts is now a 'normal' kid, with 'normal' behaviors. i actually think he is easier then most kids at this point.... :rolleyes: dont be to worried, alot of these kids just need some love and structure. when you find the kids you might be interested in, let us know on the special needs section...thats where we can let you know if they might have some major issues. be forwarned, DSS will sugar coat behaviors, and thats where we can come in and help you the best way we can, even though we are only internet people. alot of us has had experinece and sometimes there are red flags in their profiles that you might need to know about. anyway, your post was beautiful.

Thanks, dadfor2! It has taken a lot of soul searching to get to this point and so many factors have led us to this decision. Classes don't begin until July and after our homestudy is completed, our search should begin in late September. We have been instructed to begin searching informally in order to become familiar with the children currently waiting for families. While I realize that the descriptions cannot go into great detail, I have noticed that some of them seem to be leaving some things open. Like something isn't being said or said in a way that could mean other things. I am being open and optimistic. Our boys are excited and being open to a child from age 1 to 8 is a big plus. We would go up in age but our youngest in 9 and we do not want to disrupt the current birth order (our boys are 15, 12, 10, and 9). Interested in at least one girl, preferably 2, preferably bio sisters (for the bond) but we are certainly open and I think that's most important. It's funny, but earlier in this journey, I couldn't see myself with any other child than an infant but had to do some serious soul searching. That let me down this current path. I believe it's the best one! SOmetimes, the children we envision may not come in the package that we envisioned. The spirit of the child will be the same, though (I believe). Thanks again! :)

Hi! I was reading your posts about the advantages and disadvantages of children in the foster care system and wanted to share with you my sister-n-laws experience. She and her three younger sisters were placed in foster care when she was 15 or 16 because of her mother and step fathers drug addict lifestyles. My sister in law (i'll call her T) actually turned them in because the situation had become too much for her to bear. Her mom would actually make her steal to her support her habit and step dad was constantly beating mom to a pulp. The first disadvantage she experienced was that they were split up. Of course it would have been very difficult to find someone to take all four at once. They sent the two oldest to one family and the two youngest to another. T said it wouldn't have been so bad if they would have paired them up older and younger, older and younger. Because she was the oldest and had taken care of her sisters she was really worried about the younger ones being afraid. The next bad thing to happen was that the son (in his twenties)of the foster parents was making passes at her sister who was with her I think she was only about 12 or 13 at the time so they had to be moved to another home. Sometime later the court decided that it would be okay to send back her sisters because they were the biological children of the step dad and they didn't feel that he posed a risk to them. They did not let T go back because they feared that he may hurt her because she wasn't his and she had turned them in. At this time she was with a family that she really liked. The had other foster girls her age and she said that they treated her real good. She said they spent every dime of support on them and then some. She said it was the best year of her life. Then they found T's paternal grandmother and she was willing to take her in. She went during spring break for a "trial" and everything went pretty well. Even though T loved her foster family she was excited about going to live with her real family. When she got back to her grandmothers everything had changed. Her grandmother was awful to her. After the first day she called her foster family and begged them to let her come back. Of course there was nothing they could do. Her grandmother lived in another state and had custody of her. Within a couple of months T got pregnant and her grandparents threw her out. The boyfriend ran off and T went and lived with some distant relatives. She never went back to school after she moved. She met my brother soon after that. When she was 7 pregnant she lost the baby and the only ones that came to the hospital were my mom and brother. She really felt very alone. She told me later that she really believes that if she would have stayed with her foster family she would have never gotten pregnant and would have finished school. She experienced some of the bad things that sometimes happen but for her it was more of a positive experience. She had a very troubled past and alot of people would have been leary of taking in a teenage girl that had been through the things she had but her foster family was willing and they really did make a difference in her life. I think they really showed her that some people can be trusted. :)Donna