need advice from a bparent about open adoption

Mana, Would you allow ANYONE, birthparent or not, who was making bad life choices, to have contact with your daughter? I suspect not. Birthparents shouldnt be held to a lower standard. Birthmom has to WANT to do what she has to do in order to facilitate visits҅if shes not willing to do that, then you shouldnҒt feel forced to move forward with visitation. If I were in your shoes, Id write birthmom a letter outlining what is and what is no acceptable behavior if she wants visits. Be clear҅if drug use is an issue, then make sure she knows if she shows up on your door step for a visit stoned/highthat you will ask her to leave. If she does it frequently, she wont be asked to come anymore. DonŒt expose your child to something you wouldnt feel comfortable exposing her to with any other friend/relative. There arenҒt two sets of rules, one for birthparents and one for everyone else YOU have to do whatŒs best for your daughterif that means disallowing visits because birthmom is making bad life choices, then thatŒs what you have to do.

Mana, As long as bmom is obviously using drugs at visits, she is not safe to trust with visiting your daughter. IMO, the thing to do is to either write to her or e-mail her (a phone call may work, but I'd avoid it unless you're sure you can remain calm and she'll be able to listen) and tell her straight up that you will not tolerate her being around your daughter when she's under the influence of ANY substance. If she wants visits, she needs to show up sober. If she violates that, cancel the visit; end it immediately; do it quietly and calmly, but firmly. It's possible to talk to your daughter in an age-appropriate way about her bmom's drug usage, and it's also important NOT to make any kind of disparaging remarks about her to your child or anyone else, no matter how angry you may feel. There was another thread that was discussing this very topic I read through today... [url]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=195461[/url] Good points were made that can help you discuss/deal with this type of situation while still honoring your daughter's connection to bmom (Brandy made some of the best ones, IMO :) ). My heart goes out to you.

Thank you all for your advice. I was thinking of writing a letter to the bmom to explain the terms of what I will allow and not allow. I hear about what the birth mom is doing second hand throw the family. My daughter's older sister who is 24 thinks that my daughter will resent me if I keep her from her bmom but what I don't understand is that if she doesn't want her child around that life then why should my daughter need to be. I was thinking of writing to both them my daughter mother and sister. And explain that as long as she is using drugs or drinking I will not allow visits. And also explain when I will allow visits and what kind. Does this sound harsh. mana

Its sounds respectful and perfect with good boundaries that honor your daughter :) Well Done! Jen

I don't think itsounds respectable if the information you have is all "second-hand."

I am writing this as a child who was not raised by my birthfather. My mom and (step)dad got married when I was six months old. My mom and (bio)father got divorced while she was pregnant with me. In general, my Biofa (that is really the name I use for him 75% of the time) was pretty much a jerk at that time. He was inconsistant about calling or visiting, did not provide child support for me or my brother, and was incredibly undependable. The divorce happened because he was mentally and physically abusive to my mom. (I found this out MUCH later.) Anyways, as a baby, I didn't know or miss my biofa at all. I had my dad. He was the one I lived with. Occasionally I was a little upset that Biofa didn't visit very often, but didn't really think about it that much. My brother, on the other hand, was 6 years old at the time of the divorce. He had a really hard time with it. I remember him having a really hard time with Biofa not showing up when he said he would, etc. Generally, he was pretty appropriate when he did visit, but mom always made sure that she was present at the entire visit. She did it very unobtrusively. One really important thing that my mom and dad did was they NEVER talked bad about Biofa. They really didn't talk about him very much (can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all) unless my brother or I asked about him. Then, they would answer honestly, even if the answer was "I really don't know why he says he will do things and then doesn't do them." "I don't know" can be an acceptable answer and a good lead in to talking about the child's feelings. My parents also never prevented my brother from seeing his biological father. They knew it would cause a lot of resentment and that it would not be right to break that tie. My brother and I learned for ourselves that he was not a great guy and not a great father. We figured it out and our mom supported us and helped us process our feelings and discoveries about reality as we went through them. I guess what I am saying is that completely closing the adoption could very easily cause a lot of resentment and damage to your relationship with your child. Since she was 5 when she was removed from her birthmom, I presume she remembers her and loves her. It is not possible (or healthy) to keep a child in a bubble and protect them from every bad thing in the world. It would be better, in my opinion, to help her deal with her feelings and help her understand that the birthmom's actions are not a reflection on her (the child). This will help her slowly develop knowledge and (hopefully)acceptance of her life circumstances and enable her to deal with some of the negative aspects of reality as she goes through life.

I don't think it's okay to close an open adoption except in the most extreme of cases. It looks like you CAN have some contact with your daughter's birthmother- and that is probably a good thing considering the adoption is relatively close to the family and your daughter was placed with you at a time that she could remember the placement, her birthmother and the circumstances. You don't, however, have to let someone into your home that you aren't comfortable with. You can meet at a restaraunt or you can set up boundaries. For instance, have a seperate party or visit with the birthmother but stipulate things like "You must be clean and sober to come" or "No, you cannot bring a boyfriend to the visit." Also, make sure that your expectations of her are realistic and clear. Of course she is not going to graduate college, make 100 grand a year and drop any vice she might have overnight...but she could be expected to have showered, be sober, not smell like cigarette smoke and be making an attempt in the right direction to start off with. One thing that could help (besides sharing your concerns with her face-to-face) is joint and individual counsling. Finding a 3rd party that has everyone's best interest in mind (and has an adoption background) can help immensely. For my daughter's adoption the adoptive parents and I each had seperate counselors from the same agency. We would voice our concerns to the counselors, talk about them then all come together. It was nice to have someone there that could help you get out what you were feeling in a way that everyone could understand (and it makes you braver too)! We resolved a lot of issues on both sides this way and I would reccomend it to anyone. Maybe for each positive step she takes your relationship with her will grow and deepen and the adoption can remain or grow in openness. Good luck and God bless.