Would you want to know?

If I were one of the daughters in that sit, I would definitely want to know. I would want to know my heritage, and most especially any medical information. I just found my birthdad 6 months ago and have learned that before I have kids, I need to be tested for Cystic Fibrosis, something both of my half brothers have. It's a miracle that they're even alive today. They need to know, and I think it would be easier on them to find out earlier rather than later. That's just my opinion.

My bio dad left when I was four yrs old. I was raised by my mom and her common law partner who I call and see as my dad. He is the one that was there for me and and clearly loves me. I don't recall a time that I didn't call him dad as he stepped in as dad when I was still only 4 yrs old. I have known he wasn't my bio dad and I do know who my bio dad is but he was never around. (I did live with him for a yr when I was 15). He has never been much of a dad. I could never thank my stepdad (even though never legally married to my mom - still with her 31 yrs later) enough. He is my dad and I love him dearly. Funny thing is I am really indifferent about my bio dad and my mom. (Mom was and is abusive.) My point is that it doesn't matter that your girls don't have your genes. As you said, they are still your girls and if you remain actively involved in their lives as a father, you will always remain their dad. (I am assuming that you have been their dad since day one given you didn't know until recently that they were not biologically your children.) I too would want to know but it wouldn't change my love for the man who has always acted like my dad and therefore is my dad. I am not sure when or how is the best time to tell the girls this information though. I would be really concerned that it is general knowledge in your community that you are not the girls bio dad. I would be concerned that some child says something to one of the girls. How would she react to hearing this news from a stranger rather then from her parents? I wouldn't want the whole community knowing something about me that even I didn't know. I think you and the girl's mom need to tell the girls before someone else does. As I said, the only problem would be figuring out the best time and way to do so. Your girls are already experiencing so much with the divorce and having this information come out at the same time would be alot. I don't know what to tell you about when or how to reveal this information but I think it needs to happen. Maybe in the presence of a good child therapist? Good luck. Shell

I would definately seek guidance on this since they are so very young and also may have been traumitized by the divorce. I think it is important for them to know, but definately seek guidance from a counselor or such to help everyone deal with this properly.. Keep us posted

I think they need to know also, and early is better than later, They will wonder why it was kept from them for so long. Better get it out in the open now!

I found out when I was 16/17 that my step-dad was not my biological father. No-one from the family told me. I was informed when I needed my birth certificate, informed by a letter from social services, just saying he wasn't my father, no details of who was. I was upset at first, partly because what I always thought was the truth, wasn't, but mostly because it had been kept from me so long, and was told to me by social services instead of family. I personally feel that your daughters will love you just the same, as you are the father that has taken care of them. Although, it will be a huge shock... I think you should tell them the truth. It will be hard for them to hear (especially since the divorce as well), but I am not sure if it is a good idea to wait until they are 16-18 or older, secrets always have a way of coming out, especially when lots of people in the community are aware. It would not be very nice if they come to you one day, and say "So and so just told me you are not my real father", and they hear it second hand, better to hear it from you to start with. Keep us posted with what you decide, and best wishes to you and your daughters. Collette

I also feel they should know the truth and they should hear it from you and their Mother. You state that the identity of their biological father's is "common knowledge" in your small community. If the girls don't learn the truth from you and their Mother, they WILL learn it from someone else. I'm actually surprised the 9 year old hasn't already heard people gossiping. It's a shock and leaves one feeling deceived when it's discovered that parents were not truthful. I read posts by others that were adopted that were never told by their parents that they were adopted. They were older when they learned the truth and many are angry. My parents told me the truth before I could even really understand adoption, thus I've always known I was adopted and it's never been any big deal to me. Better to honestly deal with reality than to deal with the consequences of deceit, IMO. As you were deceived for many years by your ex-wife you know first hand how that feels. By not wanting to tell the girls the truth, their Mother is, IMO, attempting to protect herself ~ not the girls ~ by keeping her behavior secret. You're right ~ they should know the truth. I also think it's wonderful that you are continuing to be the girl's Father. Being a Father is so much more than just biology! Good Luck ~dl :)

Very well said, dl!! :D I couldn't have said it any better, myself.....and I agree 100%! Hugs, Sally