Input needed for Birthparent(adoption)Grief book

Here are a few answers. I would like the opportunity to complete my thoughts and get them to you at a later date. You can e mail me at pedinrs22@bellsouth.net in the future.Lisa Questionaire 1) Where are you at post placement? As in how far out, 1 month, 2 months, 20 years, etc. I am 20 years post placement. 2) In around 2-4 pages describe your grief, as it is now and as it was in the beginning, in general? My grief in the beginning hurt like a knife cutting into me. I cried privately on a daily basis. It was the most painful thing I have had to deal with to date in my life. It still hurts, but the memories aren't as fresh in my mind. I could go on for pages so I would like to put it on paper and send it later. 3) Was/Is your adoption open, closed or semi-open? How do you think that influenced your grief? The adoption was a closed adoption. I received one update on her, how she liked cheese,etc. After that update that was it. I was always afraid to ask for more information for fear of disrupting her life. 4) How have you dealt with your grief so far? What have been the most effective ways you have found to deal with your grief thus bringing you healing? I wish that I have found a way to deal with my grief. This website has helped, but I am not even close to being healed. 5) What are some myths that you may have had to dispel or deal with before you could really grieve? Or perhaps myths that you had a hard time with? That it will get easier over time. Some day I could replace her when I am more able to care for a baby. 6) What questions do you have about Grief post placement? (I intend on giving a questionaire to counselors to get their perspective and input on this birthparent/adoption grief as well. I am planning on asking the counselors/professionals for input on your questions about grief to put in the book as well.) When will it stop hurting? It has been 20 years and I still hurt every time I think of her. 7) What do you wish you'd known about grief that you know now? I knew about grief before the placement of my daughter, at least I thought I did. I had lost family members and friends. I quickly learned that it was a different type of grief. There is only one thing I remember about her, the five minutes I had to hold her after she was born. She was perfect! I remember looking through tear filled eyes at her and wondering, "will there ever be a time when you will understand this?" I have yet to have closure. 8) What advice or pointers would you give those who are dealing with grief or going to be dealing with grief post placement? Take it one day at a time. Talk, talk, talk....to whoever you trust, a friend, the father, a family member, a couselor. Write down your thoughts. 9) What do you think others (the world) should know about a birthparent's grief? A birthparent's grief runs deeper than anyone can even explain. You give a child up in hopes of giving him/her a better life but you have all of this guilt connected with your decision. Guilt that you couldn't provide for them. Will they ever know that your decision was one of the most unselfish decisions of your life? Will they know that you love them more than you can explain? All of these questions and more are ones that you may never get answered. You never really get closure because you never know what has happened to your flesh and blood. I think that is what makes birthparents search for their adopted children and vice versa.

1) Where are you at post placement? As in how far out, 1 month, 2 months, 20 years, etc.Under two years. 2) In around 2-4 pages describe your grief, as it is now and as it was in the beginning, in general?2-4 pages? I don't have time for that. ;) I'll be brief but concise.The beginning was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. I would be sitting in our living room, watching television when a baby would come on the screen; I would cry for hours. I longed for my child. When I heard the neighbors baby cry, my heart would break. Again, over and over. My agencies lack of care in our adoption did not help as a mistake on their part caused me to re-sign relinquishment papers three months after the initial signing. I relived every emotion over again. Over the months, the pain didn't go away, but became manageable. I was able to work, live my life and discuss my emotion with those I held close to me. It's when I kept my feelings inside (or when I was forced to by surroundings) that my pain became too much. I learned that getting it "out" was the only way to continue to breathe. 3) Was/Is your adoption open, closed or semi-open? How do you think that influenced your grief?Fully open. Though, as has been said by a wise, wise woman, "Open adoption is not a band-aid for pain." I did not "have it easier" simply because I could "see" my birthdaughter. The first time I saw her post-placement, for my birthday weekend, was tumultuous at best. I returned to the hotel to break into a fit of tears. It is unbelievably hard to look into the eyes of a child, eyes of my own face, and know that, on paper and to the rest of the world, she is not my child. I do admit that knowing about her and fully KNOWING her have made certain day to day dealings of my life easier. Yet it doesn't make my grief or my pain any less real. 4) How have you dealt with your grief so far? What have been the most effective ways you have found to deal with your grief thus bringing you healing?Talking about it; writing about it; and the brief counseling stent. No counselors in my area have any experience with adoption and especially not open adoption grief and loss. I've worked through it on my own by having support forums such as this and reading books. 5) What are some myths that you may have had to dispel or deal with before you could really grieve? Or perhaps myths that you had a hard time with?I hate having to deal with people who assume that all birthparents are cold hearted. If I was cold-hearted, this wouldn't hurt so bad on a day to day basis. 6) What questions do you have about Grief post placement? (I intend on giving a questionaire to counselors to get their perspective and input on this birthparent/adoption grief as well. I am planning on asking the counselors/professionals for input on your questions about grief to put in the book as well.)My question is why no counselors in SE Ohio know ANYTHING about post-placement open adoption grief and loss. They looked at me like I was some kind of idiot. I was told by one "awesome" therapist that it would be easy to "get over" my pain. Why isn't this something that is being taught and discussed in their schooling? Open adoption birthparents aren't going to magically go away. We're here and we need help. 7) What do you wish you'd known about grief that you know now?That it is something that I will live with for the rest of my life. 8) What advice or pointers would you give those who are dealing with grief or going to be dealing with grief post placement?Surround yourself with people who can support you emotionally, even on your worst days, without judgement or feeling a need to compare their hurt and loss to your own. 9) What do you think others (the world) should know about a birthparent's grief?Birthparents are not cold-hearted; we think about and miss our children daily. Open Adoption doesn't make grief magically dissipate. And we are real people with real grief who deserve to be helped.

Questionaire 1)Where are you at post placement? As in how far out, 1 month, 2 months, 20 years, etc. My goodness.. I am post placement forty years in August.. 1965 to 2005 2) In around 2-4 pages describe your grief, as it is now and as it was in the beginning, in general? Shut down grief.. No grief.. No hugging no love no.. nothing.. Just shhhh.. I did not know I was supposed to grieve.. A therapist told me about it over twenty years after the fact.. In1985. It used to come out in funny ways.. My daughter born in 1975 said she hated having a permanently depressed mom. But heck.. How can a person grieve if they dont know about it.. My son was alive.. He was safe.. till I sorted he might not be safe.. No tears.. I got my palms read.. I finally told.. I told a palm reader.. I had three kids I said.. three.. She started telling me crap but that does not matter I had told a stranger.. I felt sick.. I honestly felt sick.. I told my husband I had to go home.. I needed to sort how to work through all those hidden emotions.. I had to tell people.. and I did.. I went to twelve step meeting and when I wanted to.. I shared about my son.. I stood on a stage in front of a auditorium of people and told about my son.. and folks came up and gave me a hug.. That was very healing.. And it comes in stages.. not all at once.. Little break through's.. and all of the sudden the pain is not as bad.. ItҒs the work.. at hand.. I told myself.. The only way out is through.. And that is the act of loving the self doing the work of standing in front of an audience and tell the story of your life.. A big deal when all was secrecy.. This is what a funeral is about isnŒt it.. People come together and share the pain.. Support one another.. Say I understand what you are going through.. Shame..That is the grief stopper.. The shame that keeps a person quiet.. I did wrong.. I had to make it better.. I had to keep the secret.. Make myself and my emotions disappear.. 3) Was/Is your adoption open, closed or semi-open? How do you think that influenced your grief? I did not have grief.. not for a long long time.. It just stayed inside of me and as I said before came out weird.. When I had my daughter ten years later.. I went through some very intense emotions.. And thats another thing of this disenfranchised grief.. its about shutting down emotions.. If you cant cry you cant be happy or laugh or let go or act silly.. take a chance.. feel love.. One has to work at feeling an emotion.. 4) How have you dealt with your grief so far? What have been the most effective ways you have found to deal with your grief thus bringing you healing? Telling the telling.. Sorting my emotions out loud with someone.. Telling my husband when I am sad or into some hard stuff.. Or telling a friend.. Finding people that are able to listen.. Sorting who I can share this with.. Some people can not handle it and just give an answer that has nothing to do with me.. Nothing to do with my experience.. 5) What are some myths that you may have had to dispel or deal with before you could really grieve? Or perhaps myths that you had a hard time with? The myth that I am not okay.. The myth that I am not good enough.. The myth that I have to listen to my loved ones and do as they wish me to do.. Do it their way.. cause my way is not good enough..(<my belief and or crazy thinking) I believed that I was less than.. A bad person.. an ugly person.. not love able.. Darn those myths.. 6) What questions do you have about Grief post placement? (I intend on giving a questionnaire to counselors to get their perspective and input on this birthparent/adoption grief as well. I am planning on asking the counselors/professionals for input on your questions about grief to put in the book as well.) 7) What do you wish you'd known about grief that you know now? That it was allowed.. 8) What advice or pointers would you give those who are dealing with grief or going to be dealing with grief post placement? You get to put yourself first.. Giving a baby up for adoption is a big deal.. 9) What do you think others (the world) should know about a birthparent's grief? Honour her.. Honour her journey. And give her all the time she needs to get her needs met.. Or the birthfather.. I have read some very painful messages posted here by birthfathers.. I give permission for you to use my words.. and my name.. in your book.. Jackie

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your input. I appreciate all of your input and I'll keep you all updated when anything new happens in this book writing process. I'm currently focusing on finals and finishing the semester this next week, but then I'll be putting more time into working on putting together this book. God Bless. Anne :)

hi there... it's so good you're writing a book! let me know how it's going... i know i haven't posted here much.. yet... i just started a book of my own... mostly about my story... but i'd love to read yours...