Advertisements
Hi, am new here. I'm not sure where to even begin this. Its a long, long story, but i will break it down to basics. Over the last 5 yrs my life has been a joke. 5 yrs ago I was a single parent to one small child and became pregnant by a married man. Mistake #1 that I will suffer for for the rest of my life. The birth 'father' said to get rid of it and he was done.Seeing it as impossible to raise 2 children alone, I opted for open adoption. It was what I really thought was best, knowing I couldnt raise 2 kids alone, and I even thought I was doing a great thing for a child less couple out there. So the open adoption went thru. My immediate problems after the adoption werent with the AP's, and looking back on it now, my problems after the adoption were that I was just left all alone to deal with everything all by myself. The adoption agency was so 'kind' enough to do a couple of telephone counselling sessions with me. I had did what they wanted, I gave away my baby and they could have cared less if I was ok or not. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I went on a binge of self destruction, realizing that not one thing since the adoption had changed for the better. Constant thoughts and hatred for the birth 'father' consumed my life for months, as I asked myself and God over and over again, WHY did I deserve to be abandoned? Why did God bring this man into my life? How could I of been so stupid? Exactly what good did this adoption do? I was still poor, unemployed, 21 yrs old, only a high school diploma under my belt, single and raising my other kid alone. And on top of all that, the Amom I chose has the perfect husband, home, house, car, money etc, and my baby. Dont get me wrong, I dont hate my daughters Afamily. I just hated that they had everything I wanted in life. They have kept all of their promises and have never tried to push me away. But I had to be someone I wasnt when I had communication with them. I couldnt very well tell them that I hated myself and that my life was a total mess.I then began a man hating spree. I hated every single male I looked at and came in contact with. I loathed any woman who was married and had a baby or kids. All I could think to myself was, ' enjoy your happy life while you can. It will soon come to an end. That man will leave you and you'll end up hurt. " Not only did I honestly think that, I was so messed up in the head that I actually wished it would happen. After nearly 10 months of living in mental darkness, hating myself for the bad decisions I made and hating men, I slowly brought myself out of it and decided to do something with my life, and for the child I was raising. I went away to school. Mistake #2 I will suffer for for the rest of my life. I met a young man who totally swept me off my feet, showered me with love and attention, and showed me that not all men were bad. All of my man hating power then went out the window.When this man and I talked about having a future together outside of school, I very honestly told him about the child I placed for adoption, how difficult and painful it was, etc. And he had a 2 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. And I honestly told him that if we were to have a life together, I could not on my good conscience care for someone else's child when I could not care for my own. Well while we were in school, he said I didnt need to worry about that because his kid lives 200 miles away with its mother.So we left school and moved to my hometown, where we got pregnant and married. All was good, and after about 8 mos,we had some financial problems, thats about it. The financial problems got out of hand, and we were practically forced out of our home only 3 weeks after our new baby was born. We had no where to go, so his mother 200 miles away offered to take us in. That meant caring for that child I didnt want anything to do with. But my husband promised things would be ok, we would take things slowly with the kid. Only that didnt happen at all. When we moved there, we stayed with his mother for a month, and so did the kid. My life was miserable, my husband and his mother forced this child on me with everything they had. My husband did a complete turn around personality, he became physically and verbally abusive to me, ( like my head wasnt messed up enough, I deserved to be abused as well) his mother was very verbally abusive to me and my other daughter. They both completely ignored the new baby we had, all of their attention was on the child my husband had with someone else. From their actions and words, they were using that child to hurt me. It was like a punishment from them for placing my child for adoption and punishing me for not wanting that kid around.Over the next year things became worse. We ended up taking an apt in my MIL's complex, where she brought the child over anytime she wanted. When i would object, she would verbally attack me, she told me that the child I gave away was just a bs excuse for my problems. and my husband just condoned her behavior toward me. When the child would stay at MIL's home, My MIL would bang on my door all hours of the night, demanding that my husband go over there to spend time with her and the child, and he would just go. No questions asked.Well I finally got sick of all the bs and left. It was obvious the only thing my husband cared about was his mother and that kid. The day I left, my husband took our baby who was only a year old over to his mothers house. The police wouldnt do anything, they said we were still married and I needed to get a lawyer and get custody.They kept my baby for 3 mos before I could get a lawyer and file for custody and divorce. We are now divorced and this man has joint custody of my baby, he fought it sooo hard just so that he wont have a child support bill.Now I am raising 2 kids alone, living alone, working full time sometimes over time, no help with child support, no foodstamps because my fast food job indicates that I make too much money to qualify, while my ex husband lives rent and bill free with his mother. And I again ask the universal question... WHY did God bring this man into my life? I will tell you why. Adoption utterly and totally destroyed my life. Had I kept the child I placed, I never would have made the decision to go away to school and met this man. Now I am in the same exact position I didnt want to be in. Raising 2 kids alone, with next to nothing. I think it should be a written law that adoption agencies pay for face to face counselling sessions for birthmothers, and an action plan for the birthmothers life after the adoption. Its a **** shame when a woman feels its best to place her child, then is left to pick up the shattered pieces all alone. Adoption, in my experience, is nothing but a tragedy. I am sure there are good stories out there, but I'm sure there are probably more bad than good, whatever the reasons be.My advice to women who place their children. Do not tell your future mate about your child. If you have an open adoption, keep it descreet. It has gotten so bad that not only do I wish I never told my husband of the adoption, but I wish I would have taken the birth 'fathers' advice and just 'gotten rid of it'......bad , I know...
Like
Share
Brenda I agree with you completely. I went through the stage of hating the bdad too, but then I realized, oh yeah I jumped in the sack too. I made the choice to have sex just as much as he did. I am now sad that the bdad has no contact whatsoever with the baby. Even pictures don't happen. We all need to take responsibility in our lives and for our own actions. Pain is part of life, it is what you get and learn from the pain that shows what kind of person you are.
Advertisements
As an adoptee, your post saddens me. I must tell you that I've not had the best life once I decided I was old enough to make my own decisions. I got pregnant when I was 19, left home, stayed with her abusive father, then left, got back together with him, had another baby...finally decided to leave him for good as he was going to end up killing me. Met someone else, had another baby, stayed with him for about 11 years and he left me about 5 years ago. My oldest daughter is a recovering drug addict and has an eating disorder, my middle child hates me (but that could be her age right now...16!) and my youngest just is so sweet. I have never blamed anyone else for the trauma that I've gone through in my life and you should definitely not blame the adoption on the decisions that you continue to make throughout your life. You must remember that you gave your baby a better life! That baby is loved by the adopted family. And please, never wish that you had "just gotten rid of it"! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[[HUGS TO YOU}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm very sorry for your troubles. I'm with the majority in here, I really think you should get some professional help.You DO deserve better and some professional help will only help you out of this dark black hole you are in.My God bless you and may you find the strength to go get some professional help.dmca
l-thompson
As an adoptee who has reunited with a complete birthfamily, I am deeply saddened to read your post. I wish you well and truly hope that one day you are able to find some sense of peace in your life. Take Care.
Advertisements
I know this post is old...but since it's been kept active and responded to recently, just adding my reply in case you check back. I guess I'm a little sad in my heart that you think adoption is a tragedy because it led you to the wrong guy afterwards. I mean, I would understand if you said that because you miss your baby. I feel that too. But who's to say you wouldn't have fell for a guy that bad or worse even if you had kept your baby? I understand fully not wanting to raise a step-child. I knew this about myself as well, which is why before I was married to a wonderful man with no children, I never accepted even one date with any men who did have previous children. No matter how nice because I just knew I couldn't be mom to a step-child. Now you know this about yourself too and it's so important to know what we cannot do. It's perfectly ok for you to say you won't date men with previous children and that's what I would suggest going forward. There's plenty of men with no children who will be willing to love you and accept the children you have, whenever you're ready of course. I hope these last several month have been gentle to you and that you feel some healing.
hello I was adopted and I would like to tell you that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Not all adoption stories are bad or good for that matter.Maybe you should see a psycatrist for help with your guilty feelings, after all you did what you had to do,and what if you had kept the baby the chances are you would have went to school and it would have still turned out the same except that instead of 2 kids you would have had 3 to try to support. I just want you to know that you are a good person for giving your child to someone who can give her the life she deserves,and you did the right thing.Someday she will tell you this herself. I hope you will find the closure you need.
Maybe you should tell her your story on the email perhaps she will talk to you once she hears it. and maybe she is afraid to hear it in person,as an adopted person I know if she was looking for you then she wants to know try the email maybe it will let her see you did the best you could for her. If she still doesn't contact you give her some time because she will.
Well said Brenda Hopkins, and KUDOS!! for your honesty. Its hard to hear the truth, and easier for us to hug and tell each other it will be okay. But the reality is sometimes we need to just snap out of it, and look at ourselves in the mirror. I admit to throwing a pity part for myself from time to time, and it doesnt help. I make everyone miserable, and then I feel worse. Im glad I have people around like you, who set me straight and make me rationalize and accept that only I can make my life change. Well done Brenda!! Thankyou for you honesty! Lisasue
Advertisements
I hope by the time you read this things will have gotten better for you. As an adopted adult who thinks life is pretty crappy I wonder if I am not , in some ways, better off. Know matter what my moms curcumstance I would like to know her. Let's be honest. It seems to me you think your life would be so much better with another child in it. In order for you to raise a child you need to know what to teach him or her. I only hope your first child has a chance.God bless!
From what I just read, YOU made bad choices and you want to blame them on anybody and everybody else! The way you acted towards your step daughter was cruel and shows just how much therapy you need. You can change your life when you change your mind and stop playing victim to take responsibilty for your choices. Trust me, you have more control over your life than you are giving yourself credit for.
I also have to agree with Brenda... I just went through this with my brother and his girlfriend putting my niece up for adoption... Don't blame everyone else for your problems... You make choices in life and, good or bad, you have to deal with them. If you don't like the choices that you have made in the past, don't repeat them in the future, it IS that simple. I heard so many excuses from my bro's gf that it made my head spin, bottom line is, if you don't want to get pregnant, don't have unprotected sex. There are so many single mothers in the world who struggle to get by daily and they do it without complaining. A friend of mine is 30 years old with 5 kids and a single mother and she will tell you straight that she doesn't complain because she has nobody to blame for her situation but herself, but she also looks at the bright side, that through all of her sacrifices her kids will grow up knowing what she's done for them. I would also like to know what you thought was going to come out of getting pregnant by a married man, did you really think he was going to stick around?
Advertisements
I would have to agree with you that adoption can be a tragedy for birthmothers, but not that you wish you would have just gotten "rid" of anything. All things in life happen for a reason and god does not give us what we can not handle and although right now you do not believe that is true later down the road you will see that you have grown and your three children will love you for all that you will teach them from your experiences. I am a birthmother and would love nothing more than to be able to erase what I done 17 years ago but i can not and It was the best thing for my daughter and in the end that is the most important thing.....right.....yes. I wish I could see your face as you read this, because I have been as upset as you are right now and I just have to think a minute and Im not religious. God Why and he says Because you can handle this. Just listen you'll hear it. From one broken birthmother to another I love you and God and I are on your side so smile and know that one day 3 children will be saying thank you for all that U have done. contact me if you would like my email is walshmisty@yahoo.com I am also on messenger
RiverGal
Wow! Talk about manipulating someone's words into something that was never even implied!
Nobody "deserves" to be mistreated. You are old enough that you could leave the situation. I still say the "kid" (as you refer to him/her) was the real victim in the whole scenario.
~D