If I was your birthmother, would you forgive me?

I am a adoptee and I am still searching. First off you shouldn't feel guilt. Please don't. You did what you felt in your heart was best for your son.Some people have told you that you have nothing to need forgiveness about. But I think that alot of that depends on personal views. I myself do not want to hear my mother say I am sorry. What I need to hear from her when I find her is. I loved you so much more then anyone could imagine. That is why I had to do what I did. I have known about my adoption as long as I can remember. As a little baby my parents told me a bedtime story about a little girls whose mother loved her very much but just couldn't take care of her so she found some very loving people to take care of her since she couldn't and as I got older the little girl became me and the loving people became my adoptive parents. Through out my childhood I often wondered about my mother. But I was happy b/c I knew the kind of life she had when I was born and I knew I was having a better life.When my adoptive father ran out I went through a resentment phase. I felt like there must be something horribly wrong with me for my mom to just give me away then my daddy to walk away too.In time I have learned that my dad leaving had nothing to do with me. And my mother did what she felt in her heart was right and best for me.So to answer your question will your son forgive you? I don't know that is it a matter of forgiveness or really just telling him you loved him and it was what was best for him. I don't think that people really have as much rage about adoption as they do wonder. And I know that my big question is did you give me up because you didn't want me or because you thought it was best. Even if she were to tell me I hadn't planned on having you.. I wasn't ready to be a mother I did love you. I think I would not have a second thought about it. I believe being a mother myself that it isn't possible to give birth to a child and not love them. But please if you go on with you life and marry and have children don't keep them in the dark. Tell them all about this beautiful little boy that you love so much. So that one day when and if he finds you he will be welcomed into a home that knows of him and has been longing for him and has been loving him. And he will feel like he belongs to you and your new family and be greeted with open arms.

This also may help a little:The legacy of an adopted child[font=Comic Sans MS]Once there were two women...Who never knew each other...One you do not remember...The other you call Mother...Two different lives...Shaped to make you one...One became your guiding star...The other became your sun...The first one gave you life...The second taught you to live it...The first gave you a need for love...The second was there to give it...One gave you a nationality...The other gave you a name...One gave you talent...The other gave you aim...One gave you emotion...The other calmed your fears...One saw your first sweet smile...The other dried your tears...One sought for you a home...That she could not provide...The other prayed for a child...And her hope was not denied...And now you ask me through your tears...The age-old question unanswered through the years...Heredity or environment...Which are you a product of?...Neither my darling, neither...Just two different kinds of Love...... Author Unknown ...[/font]

I also wanted to post this quickly. I was talking with my amother about your post. She said that as a amother that she loves my bmother very much even though they have never met. That the reason she raised me with the curiosity about her and about everything to do with my adoption was because she hoped that one day I would long to find her and in turn my amother would be able to thank her for providing her with a gift the most wonderful give one can give. ME! :) She said that she knows that as a bmother placing a child up for adoption is one of the hardest things you will ever face in your life. Because you will feel a mix of emotions. You will feel relief happieness sadness and grief.But know that by placing your child up for adoption and giving him a good home and family you have done what was right if this wasn't the time in your life for you to raise a child. Was not only a very brave thing to do but you also made someones prayers be answered. There are so many people in this world who would love nothing more then a child and by giving your son life when you could have chosen to do otherwise you not only brought a life into this world but you answered someone's prayers.Best of wishes and I hope that peace will find you as you go on with your life.

HB -- You have a wonderful mother with a healthy attitude about your bmom. Best wishes in your search.

as an adoptee I will tell you that you have done the most unselfish thing possible. Your child will have more of a chance in life then a single mother could give. I am being honest. I have known too many girls who kept thier kids with all the good intentions in the world, and not one, not one has turned out ok. You gave your child a fighting chance, which is what any GOOD mother would do for thier child. You may not be raising your child, but that still makes you a good mother. The best thing you can do is work to your potential and fulfil your dreams.

I don't know if I would find it so easy to forgive my birth mother. I have two really good parents who adopted me, but I still had problems throughout my life. One of my parents (probably my father since he sounds like a jack***) graciously passed down muscular defects to me that weren't understood or taken well by my teachers, who blamed me for my problems and usually turned a deaf ear and blind eye to my classmates who in turn thought it was funny and exacted whatever abuse they could against me. I don't know how I can forgive someone for putting me through so much crap because she wanted a quick roll in the hay with a man who couldn't grow a pair and support her. What is the world coming to? People are screwing around all the time, and even if they "protect" themselves it doesn't make them better people, just selfish idiots thinking about their own immediate and temporal pleasure.I'm glad I have the parents I have now, but I often feel I am too much of a burden on them. I would have preferred it if my birth mother had the decency to not have sex at all until she at least knew my father well enough to know what he was like (my adoption records say he had to be tracked down for whatever information the agency needed), in which case she probably would have dumped him. It would have saved me the trouble of living and saved her from years of wondering where I am and what I'm doing.Maybe when I'm a bit older and have made something of myself I may be inclined to meet and possibly forgive my mother. It would be nice to see if I have any brothers or sisters, even if I do end up being my mother's bastard child because of it.

wow. there is alot i agree with and disagree with here. First off i agree with the fact that you make a child your world needs to revolve around that child from then on out. And thats the way it needs to be. Its my own opinion and morals, and the fact that everyone thinks differently, this may offend a few. But, i am living proof it can be done. I have done it. I made the mistake of gettting pregnant unplanned, and with someone i didnt want to be with. But i realized my child at that point needed to be my focus for the rest of my living life, and i was able to change my self and have the strength to be a single mom with no education. The thing is there are too many resources out there to that there is NO way Not to make it. And i also agree that if you would "do anything including die for your son" then why arent you doing it? From here on out i think the best thing is not making excuses, and facing EVERYTHING head on. I also agree that you did nothing wrong, (yes that sounds hypocritical) But, you have feelings too, and need to work through so much now that you have made and gone through with your decision. I have my point of view but i also have compassion, for both sides (you and your son) Being an adoptee who has hated my bmom my whole life (mainly because i couldnt grasp and understand how someone gives up someone they love) Its hard. Being the adoptee is probably as hard for bparentsas adoptees and i realize this. (though not true in all cases as they are all differnt) I would have to say personally i think i could forgive you, if i was your son.the fact that you think of him and regret not being able to care for him is a truly genuine thing. It is a tough thing, you are going through and will go through until reunion one day and i wish you the best of luck through it all! Keep your head up, and i hope you dont take offense to what i have said. You asked for opinions and i can only tell the truth. :flower:

V - I want to respond as an adoptive mother to a 6 month old. I plan to always talk to our son about how much his birthmother loved him to be able to choose us to be his parents! You are so right that he and your child aren't unwanted. Unfortunately, we have no idea how his birthmother feels. I feel that you're very fortunate to have contact with your son and his family. That will be a huge bonus if he every does struggle with how he feels about you. If he has supportive parents who help him realize just how much you loved him, I hope he'll have an easier time understanding your reasons for placing him for adoption. He may never feel the need to forgive you if he doesn't think you did anything wrong. I don't feel you "gave him up" or gave up on him - you did an incredible thing - the hardest thing any mother can do for her child. I don't mean to sound patronizing when I say that. I just wish I could say some of the same things to our son's birthmother to reassure her that we will always encourage him to think of her with love and acceptance and gratititude for giving him life. I wish you a wonderful relationship with your son and his family!

i would be happier if my afolks were in an open adoption. My birthmom has always thought of me...she told every on of her husbands/blyfriends...people who came into her life that she had a baby that she gave away.i think i would resent her if she just forgot about me...you did the best thing for your son.. you are fortuanate enough to be friends with the afolks...

[QUOTE=VKH]I I just reunited with my birthdaughter after 40 years. NO, you will most likely have the guilt your whole life. I gave up my daughter so she would have the BEST. Parents, a home, and everything I could not provide for her.Although, Thank God, that is what she got, I still feel shame and guilt. However, I DID believe I made the right choice. I still do, to this day.Try to concentrate on that. We can't know what the future will bring, if the child will hate us, blame us, etc, so concentrate on the NOW. BELIEVE that you made the right choice NOT FOR YOU, but, for the child.Later ? who knows. Don't borrow trouble. It will find you all by itself.Surely as an adult ( when he/she seeks you out, if ever) they know it wasn't just a whim, to give your own child away, that the motive was the wellbeing and love for the child.Hugs, been there, know the feelings , still do.dmca

Ditto! I understand "wanting the best for your child", but being a mother myself to my biological daughter, nothing would allow me to give her up. I'm not flaming anyone, but it's hard for me to comprehend how someone could give their child up. :confused:

Hi i also would like to respond as an adoptive mother to a wonderful beautiful 13 mnth old little girl,,, i personally think that it is great that you seem at peace with your decision to place your son for adoption,,,, you have no need to feel guilty for this as it must help to know where he his what hes doing and that hes loved by his parents,,,,,,In my personal opinion,,,, i believe that our daughter was always meant to be our daughter,,, ( please dont anyone take that as desresectful as its not) this is her journey for life,,,, it was always meant to be that way.... this was always meant to be our journey and our bmothers journey as well.....I hope that you can let yourself feel happy for your decision as for everyone invovled ( with you ) it was obviously the right decision... as an amother i also need to thank you for being a birthmom as without you our wonderful children wouldnt be here...

Hi Vanda, When I found out my b-mom's story and how I came to be, I stopped crying for myself and started crying for her. It's easy to 'forgive' her, although I've never thought of it that way. Right or wrong, I simply see us as two souls who were together intimately, but weren't meant to stay together. It sounds as if you know this was the right decision for you. I wonder if the doubts you express are coming from that little tape recorder many of us seem to have labeled "Mom", or "Dad", or "society". I still struggle with mine, and it's really hard to distinguish what I want from what the voice on tape says I should want. I judge myself too often and too harshly rather than listening to my heart. You did what you thought best, for both of you. I'm trying to figure out how to say this without sounding bossy <smile> umm...try to stop second-guessing yourself, find your peace within, and go on to be the best person you can be. I believe we all have journeys - this is yours, he's on his, and that's ok. Warmly, heartbeat

Dear Vanda,My bmom died many years before I found my birth family. Since I will never have the opportunity to talk with her I can honestly tell you that I believe you did what you felt was best for everyone and that needs no forgiveness. If my mom asked me if I did forgive her, I would say yes--without a doubt. I would want nothing more than for her to be happy. I would also say that I love you more than you could know and not a day goes by for me without thinking about you. Be happy, live life to the fullest and live in peace. Know that you are loved.Bob

I would be happy to know you loved me and wanted me here on this earth...I would not be at peace to hear how glad you were I was with another family... My b-mom once said it was nice to be able to finish school and be a teenager without a baby on her hip...Yes, I am glad she got that chance...No I was not all happy inside to hear it was better without me... Just my feelings...I think what is important though is only your child in 18 yrs. or so will have the real answer...All this is just speculation....