Saying I Love You

Love is NOT a feeling. Love is an action. Love is a day by day process of parenting or being married to. If you only will tell your child that you love her on the days you FEEL like it -- there will be a GREAT many days down the road you wont be able to say it. The best advice someone said to when we adopted our two is that our job as parents (especially of older adopted children) is not to "feel it" its to FAKE IT, and FAKE IT WELL!!!. The emotion or feeling will come - but it takes time. Sometimes months and months. And what a shame, that your child will have gone that long without being told that her mommy loves her. TELL YOUR DAUGHTER that she is the most amazing child on earth. That there has been room in your heart just for HER your whole life. That you will be with her FOREVER. Tell her its ok if she doesnt love you yet (thats not her job to love you) and its ok if she misses her foster mommy, but that you love her alot too. Love is a committment -- not an transient feeling!!! Jen

Loving your new child isn't always automatic. And....I've heard and read from moms who have biological children who have felt that way; as well as adoptive moms who have just brought home newborns who could say the same. Certainly, I think it can be more difficult to 'feel love' to an older child....especially if you have been through some failed situations, or have fostered---only to 'lose' a child you loved and cared for. Protecting your heart can be a tough wall to break through! That said, there is something to the 'faking it'.....though I hate to think of it in those terms. I know that it may help your dd to talk of future things.....what the future brings as far as 'being a daughter in our home'. So much of the time, and maybe even more so because she was quite attached to her foster mother.......talking about how you think she's wonderful, how she is part of your family now can help a lot. There is also help in allowing her to talk about her past (even if this bothers you).....so that she will feel she can 'vent' any fears or frustrations to you. She is very young.......and young or old, this fostering business is very scarey and uncertain---at best. Let her know that THIS family will be here for her, that even if she doubts this now, YOU know in your heart that you will be 'there' for her, KWIM? I think showing these kids that YOU will be the stabilizing force in their lives, often supercedes the 'Do we love each other at this point?' The dissolution of any long-term relationship to a child her age is a pretty tough thing to go through. Let her know that you and your family will be her 'soft spot to fall on', when she's scared or unsure. The philosophy runs something like this: 'The more you know about someone, the more they often open up to you. The more you learn about their experiences, the more you share of yourself, and care about their concerns. And the more care and sharing you can exchange-- the easier will come the emotions to care and love for each other.' It's often difficult to love a stranger....but if you know a lot about someone, it's often quite easy. Be easy on yourself. Make yourself available to this little one. Show that you care. Once she feels she can trust you with her intimate thoughts and fears, I daresay your love and concern as a momma will come out loud and clear!!!!! (We've BTDT) My best to you..... Sincerely, Linny

Linny and Jen, Thank you so much for your insite. I guess this whole situation came about when the fparents came to visit last Sunday. Despite telling my dh that the sw advised no visitations for at least a couple of months and warned us that we would have problems with fmom if we did continue contact, fmom pulled her famous guilt trip on my dh (long story regarding issues with fmom) and he caved in and told them to come over for a bbq. Well, the moment she stepped out of the vehicle, she was all over dd with hugs, kisses, telling her how much she missed her, loved her and wished she didn't have to leave her. As you can expect, this is not the best thing to tell anyone, let alone a 4 year old when they have just joined their forever family. dd regressed right away and started calling fmom mommy. This caused all kinds of confusion, as when she said mommy, I responded. Unfortunatly, so did fmom. We asked the fmom politely to remind her that she is just H now. Of course, she did, once, and then started back responding to mommy. She was all over dd and didn't give her a moments peace, telling her contantly how much she loved her and missed her. dd regressed so much, that she started calling fmom mommy and me Monica after a while. We were at our wits end after an hour of this, but held our cool and didn't say a word. After fparents left (on the insistance of the fdad, who could no longer handle the situation with his wife), dd wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I was her world for 4 weeks and we were doing so great as a family... then this. It broke my heart. Despite my feelings, I tryed to ignore it and go on. DD seemed to be quite fine and "back to normal" on Monday morning. I was her world again. Go figure... She does seem to be a little shy with verbal "love", but shows her feelings physically, as we do. We are always hugging her, kissing her, etc. and she really enjoys this, as do we. We were just unsure if we should be taking it to the next step with telling her we love her. I think you are all right though, in just staying on track and telling her how special she is to us, which she is. I also agree that if we do not tell her we love her all the time, this might cause her to second guess things. We are more physically loving than verballing loving, so I think we should just stick to what feels natural to us all.

And...could I add.....it would be a VERY long, long time before I would allow this foster family to be involved with my daughter again. Sorry, this may sound harsh.....but a foster family who continues to act like this---AFTER (I'm guessing) having the chance to adopt this child themselves....is not doing anything healthy for the child or the relationship. After time (and I mean a lot of it)....and should the foster family learn to allow this child to have her own family and life.....then you might consider having some sort of get-together. But....any foster mother or father who acts in the manner of which you speak...would not be welcomed to interact with my children. I hope for continued bonding between this new one and your family. Most Sincerely, Linny

Thanks Linny, I agree with your thoughts too. We spoke with our SW in regards to what happened and she told us that she did not want any visits at all for at least three months. If we felt like we wanted them to visit after that time, we would re-evaluate the situation, but not now. Children's services frown on fparents allowing the kids to call them mommy and daddy, and they are discouraged to do so. This family is a classic example of why that should not be done. Children really think that these people are their mommy and daddy and can't understand why they now need another pair. Well, dd is back to her usual self again. She is in good spirits and we spend quality time at night together reading and singing. This is our bonding time, even though there is no exchange of "I love you", it is definately felt. Thanks again for all your help.

Why is there no exchange of I love yous??? She is your daughter. Unless you tell her, she will not be sure.

I agree with Lorraine. When my daughter came home at 2 years old, for many months I felt like I was babysitting. But I always called her "The love of my life" "my bumskin" and all kinds of lovey pet names. I tell her I love her 5 - 10 times a day. I pick her up kiss her and say "Do you know how much mommy loves you!" "I love you so much" "You are the love of my life" etc. At first I was just saying these things, before long they were all true. My DD feels secured and loved. Good luck! Kay

Of our seven children (some adopted as babies, some adopted as older children....one was adopted as a toddler)......we've come to realize that the term, "I love you."...isn't always received in the same manner to each child...despite what we feel would be 'normal acceptance' of the term. A child as 'old' (and yes, in the foster care system......from our experience, 4.5yrs is an older child)......as 4.5yrs......who has possibly been in foster care for some time (more than one year)......often develops an 'apathy' to someone saying, 'I love you." It gets to the point that those words mean, essentially, nothing to them. To use pet names and such, as terms of endearment, often go 'farther' with children in this situation, because they are loving terms not used, or not often used to show affection. To say "I love you"....often has little effect; so to say this phrase, or to encourage the child to say this, is often doing little to build a bond, IMO...and only because of our experiences and those of others we've talked to at length in similar situations. I don't believe in consistently 'faking it'....because I think this is what many of these children have been faced with so much anyway. ie.......an abusive parent who abuses then states, "I love you."........or a neglectful parent who leaves often, doesn't physically or emotionally care for the child, but states, 'You know I love you.' Those phrases then, become basically, 'null and void'...and it forces us, as the now-real-feeling-parents' (sorry, but I think that's what we are at that point) to be forced to use imaginative ways to get our feelings across. One son, severely abused beyond our help (he's in residential now).......could only get genuinely close to me (mentally and cuddling) when I would sing to him at night before he went to sleep. To tell him, "I love you"...was a sure sign to him, that our relationship was going to go no where; was going to mean nothing; was....just like the seven or so other relationships he had ever known before us (not good). The same was basically true for our other two older child adoptions. Getting through to them, was in showing concern and care for their clothing; feeding them; encouraging them. To tell them over and over again that 'I love you'....was all too familiar a phrase they had heard put into a completely different context. While, in time, the 'I love yous' came genuinely and freely.......saying them in the beginning weeks was just too much of a carbon copy of where they had been; what they had been through--and something we knew we did not want them to relate to when having us as parents. I hope this explains; and certainly not all older child adoptions are this way---but many are. Sincerely, Linny

Just wanted to respond to this, no it's not instant, I promise! In fact there were times where I wondered if anyone would come get her and spare me her crying. I had issues attaching to my daughter after her birth. Lasted about 4 months. Adoptive parents are not alone in this feeling. I've heard also that the majority of women who give birth dont have the attachment issues I did quite so badly, but I've also heard that there are women who have had worse issues attaching. Seriously, you are not alone! As for saying it now, say it when it feels natural. Dont try to force it out, you'll be tense about it and your child may pick up on that. Best wishes.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement! It has been a while since my last post and I just wanted to update everybody. One day (a couple of weeks ago now) my dd yelled up to me on the second floor, "mommy, you love me right?" out of the blue (I have been telling her here or there). I of course reponded "yes, of course I love you very much!" Then she asked if daddy loved her and again I responded the same. Then she responded "and I love you too. I love you mommy and I love daddy too". Well, I almost fell off my chair. After that, it all came so natural. I tell her every night when I put her to bed that I love her and when i drop her off at school too. Don't know what I was so worried about! Nonetheless, the bonding is coming along. She is officially driving us crazy. LOL. Now, on to another issue I am having but I post that on a seperate post. Thanks again.

That made me smile! :)

That made me cry!! Thank God for kids and the quick and sometimes loud and abrupt way they break the ice!!