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Le Soliel,
I imagine this is a very difficult time for you and am glad you are reaching out.
I have no advice persay as I've not been in your shoes but I wanted to let you know I think you've taken a good step forward. You might consider contacting a counselor at your school rather then the clinic?
I hope others with more experience will read here and reply soon. And there are some great resources here!
Take Care,
Crick
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Le soleil
Thank you again for all of your wonderfully supportive posts, and even for the ones not so supportive. I have been working hard to find the perfect fit, and I think I finally have. They are flying out later today so we can meet face to face and spend the weekend together. Weve talked on the phone a couple of times, and its been great! I just wanted to let everyone know that IҒve found what I was looking for, I feel comfortable in my decision and I am doing ok right now. Yes, I know that I wont always feel this confident in my decision and that I may go through some serious depression, but I am ready to face that, if I have to. Again, thank you everyone for your overwhelming support and kindness. Le Soleil
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Thank you for your kind words everyone.
Ryan is still in the agency foster care, because I have been unable to find a family I am happy with. Ive met with four families, and all four times, it just felt like something wasnҒt there, like something was missing.
The agency has said I can take as long as I need, but I really feel like I need to do this, for Ryan, in the next few weeks.
This has been very hard; I never dreamed I would have such a hard time finding someone that I could connect with. I just want the best for my daughter
If I havenŒt found a family for Ryan in the next week and a half or so, I plan to pick her up and bring her home. While I feel that I am not ready to be her mom, I also dont feel its right to leave her in limbo like IҒve done. Her needs outweigh mineeven though I donŒt feel ready to be a mom, for far more reasons than I could ever list here, I feel like its the only option open to me, unless something happens between now and then.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I move forward.
Le soleil
Le,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
This is a tough decision to make, and I think you're doing what's right for you and Ryan by taking your time about it. Hopefully, you'll be able to find the right family soon, but if not, it really seems only natural (just IMO :) ) to bring her home while you decide what's next for you both.
I wish you the best, as always.
Dear le Soliel, Don't beat up on yourself for denial - that's perfectly normal. No one want's to think about painful decisions that have to be made. I suspected that my 22-year old daughter was pregnant for 2 months before I could finally get her to admit it. She was also afraid of disappointing us. Have you told your parents? Can they offer you financial and emotional support? Is there anyone who can support you emotionally after the baby is born? Don't let anyone soft-sell the pain of chosing adoption OR the hardship of raising a child. Has your agency advised you to make a backup plan to parent in case you change your mind after your baby is born? Many parents change their minds about adoption after they see and hold their baby but are totally unprepared to take the baby home with them. Our daughter had serious doubts about parting with her baby so we advised to her to decide after the baby was born. He is 3-months old and we are a happy multi-generational family. It sounds like you have a lot going for yourself. Be good to yourself and don't let anyone make you feel bad about your decision. With best wishes, Happy G'Ma
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1st, congratulations. I am an adoptive mother with a Semi-Open adoption...maybe more than just semi, but as of yet, no visits. We are open to them and our daughter's birth mom has expressed an interest, but my guess is given her age and various other circumstances, it just isn't something that is working out for her. We are letting her lead in many areas of this relationship. We met on several occasions before the birth and spoke by phone. We stay in regular contact with email and I send her TONS of pictures with letters, cards, video, foot and hand prints, clips of hair from the 1st hair cut, pictures that were colored by her birth daughter etc. I basically feel we had a relationship with her 1st and I try to do what I would appreciate if our roles were reversed. We did not use an agency. This was a private placement adoption with attornies between states...we are not from the same state. We did have an agency do our homestudy, which I have heard some say is a hassle (and it is by no means easy!) but I think it is a wonderful idea to check out these families and to be able to offer some added assurance to the potential birth mother.
You expressed concern about having a more difficult time finding a family since you have not had prenatal care. Personally, I do not think this will be an issue. There are families for everyone and you will find the one that is just the perfect fit should you decide adoption is the way you want to go. Our daughter's birth mom was 13, a victim of rape, had been given an STD, and didn't start prenatal care till late in the 2nd trimester. Her baby was also bi-racial...all reasons why she was told she needed to have an abortion. At 20 weeks, she was taken for an abortion and they began to dilate her manually with metal rods (as opposed to lamenaria which can take 24-48 hours). She was awake, scared, and in pain so they had to stop and reschedule. She didn't keep that 2nd appointment and decided on adoption shortly after. We do not know what effects these factors could have had on our daughter, but we welcomed her into our family with open arms. Her race and potential health concerns were only important to us in as far as we would know how best to help her deal with potential "issues" that could arise. There is no guarantee with biological children that they will arrive without some "problem", so why would we not want the daughter who we had already fallen in love with should she have arrived with a "problem"? As her parents, we would strive to help her in any way we could...just like we would do for our biological children. These are babies...children...human being and we don't look at them as "damaged" or needing to be returned for a refund or exchanged. She was our daughter in our hearts before she was ever born and even if her birth mom had chosen to maintain custody, I would still feel as if I had a daughter out there somewhere that I never got to know. I think you will find a family who will love and accept you, the role you want to play, and your child with so much love...it will be a perfect fit. You will, as others mentioned, need to take plenty of time to research how this works and the families that are seeking to adopt. You will know them when you find them.
If you decide to parent, there are lots of options available to you. In your researching, please don't neglect to get info on the parenting option...just in case!
Take care!
I just wanted to show support and congratulate you on Ryan Grace's birth. That is such a lovely name.
After reading this entire thread I am so impressed with your strength and commitment to do what you feel is right for Ryan and yourself. I can confidently say that whether you decide to parent or follow through with adoption, Ryan will have a wonderful and very nurturing life with you advocating for her best interests. I am also impressed that you turned down 4 families knowing that it just wasn't right for Ryan rather than making a hasty decision. Kudos and much love to you Le. >>>HUGS<<<
I hope you are doing well. Take care. I will be thinking of you.