Adoption question...

Pip, Thank you so much. I am speaking from the heart as an adoptee. Janet

But to throw this in, the point being made here (since I too was offended by Janet's post until i researched her profile, etc) is that it might be wise to explain your position, and understand that for every adoptee that regrets being given up, there is another one that is very happy and grateful for the opportunity for the life they were given. I have several friends from school, and current friends and family who are proud adoptees. (My kids were adopted after an abusive birthmom, so their situation is very different). If you know that you are going to be living hand to mouth, dependent on the govt (which can change provisions in a heartbeat- you don't have the RIGHT to govt assistance, it is merely a current benefit), or on charity, it might be the best decision to give your baby a chance with a family that can easily provide for every need, and most wants. IMO an open adoption is the best of both worlds- continued contact with the birth mom, and the baby has safety and good opportunities that may not have been available for just the b-mom. Truthfully, every adoptee that I have met says that how they were raised to think about their adoption experience and b-mom determines how well adjusted they are today. The ones that are grieving or angry may have not had parents truly prepared to adopt, or who were selfish in not wanting to share their child's heart with a non-seen b-mom. The ones who aren't probably had open, honest parents who shared what a sacrifice the b-mom made just to give birth, and how much she loved the baby to give him to someone who wanted him so badly, and who could give them so much. Adoption isn't for everyone. Neither is parenthood. Take a look at the majority of the troubled kids in public schools today. Go to a major city website (or No Kids Left Behind) and see how many kids are on the free lunch program (have you ever eaten that nasty school food?). Do those kids have the emotional, financial, or physical preparedness or support to be happy or well adjusted? Having worked in a lower income elementary school, I can tell you NO! these kids come to school stressed and hungry, wearing ragged clothes, angry at having to be poor in a society that values monetary assets. Is that the life you want to wish on your child? To be called "welfare baby"? or to have other kids make jokes about your momma waitin til the 3rd for her "govenmt check"? How about hearing "who's yo daddy?" from kids who really mean it? How loving and kind are you going to feel after a long day in the heat working your rump off for minimum wage because you couldn't finish college when your child comes rompin in wanting to do something? Are you prepared to tutor him in math or to pay someone to do it? Will you be able to be cheerful and loving when dealing with the problems this child may face, as you watch friends who made other choices out having fun? You're right- there are resources out there for those in need. It is an option. However, many expectant moms choose another option, and no matter which choice you make, you'll eventually feel the consequences. Not to sound harsh, but if you want white picket fences and chirping birds and beautiful flowers kind of life, then wait until you're in a stable, committed relationship where both parties desire the responsibilities AND joys of parenting. A good friend said it like this: "It's easy for me as a b-mom to say 'I would have done this' or 'I would have been fine' now, since my child has been raised by someone else. Hindsight and criticism of others is easy. I do have regrets, about missing my child. But what if I had kept her? Would she be having regrets? Would she have ever made it to college or would she have ended up 16 and pregnant like me? Or on drugs or drinking because she hated her life, poor and fatherless. Better me have regrets for my mistake (of not use protection/birth control) rather than us both having regrets forever" Everyone here has their right to their own opinion. I just don't like seeing someone come in here asking a very well thought out, sensitive question about technical procedures of adoption to only be blown away by someone's apparently bitter words about their own bad experience or resentment, without any explanation. Trying to persuade someone into not placing their child isn't kind. Present your side, and let the person judge that experience. GUILT TRIPS are WRONG!!! Out of curiousity, Janet, would you advise a schizophrenic b-mom to keep her child, if she got on here saying she wanted to know if someone would adopt him/her? Because kids of schizophrenics (and I can give you the data from NAMI and other reputable organizations) have it rough a lot of the time. tending to a mentally ill parent, espcially if that parent is a single parent, forces the child to be the adult. How is that fair to the child? To deal with mood swings, unsafe behavior, and out of control rages, medicine changes, refusal to take meds, etc? Is it fair for a child to have to wonder if the power will be cut off again and again? To know their only real meal is at school? Their are 2 sides to everything. Blue Jean Baby, there are tons of people who would love to love your baby regardless of how it looks or smells or acts. Do what your heart leads you on that. don't be afraid to be honest with the a-parents if you choose that route. Better to decide to parent before you place than after, when the a-parents have already bonded. But let's please remember, it isn't kind to jump into every forum and GUILT TRIP potential parents into avoiding adoption. Let everyone share their OPINION and the potential parents evaluate that as such. Sorry for the long post, but good grief. Had this thread been started as "what services are out there to help me parent my child?" it would be different, but Blue Jean Baby, I apologize if you feel bad because of anything that anyone here said. You do what's right for you and many prayers for you. And to note- I am the proud adoptive momma of a schizophrenic child born to a schizophrenic b-mom who was removed from her care too late. the doctors said had he not lived with her, he might not have developed it, but due to the abuse level that she inflicted due to her illness, he struggles to want to live today. ADOPTION IS A WONDERFUL, LOVING CHOICE!

Hi BlueJean, I noticed this thread took a turn and can easily get off topic... Did you get the support you needed from the folks that were answering your question? I'm sure it's scary to look at all the paperwork and feel like you are being judged. You're not sweetie. Take your time, and follow your heart. The right family will love you and baby regardless of family history or health issues, and whether you chose to parent or not. The operative word being the "right" family.

yes thank you very much for caring and asking. Due in about a week and I have been lucky to find an amazing family that everytime I speak with them I am reminded and reasured that I made the right choice.

Hi Blue Jean Baby, I am sooo sorry that your original question got side tracked. I am an adoptive mom of a beautiful and well adjusted baby girl. H found us on Parent Profiles when she was three weeks along. We went through the entire pregnancy with her. In about her seventh month the doctor said her Amniotic fluid was low and the babies kidneys were enlarged which could have been markers for a Down Syndrome baby. Though I was scared out of my mind I knew that no matter what this baby was meant to be in my home. We made it clear to H that no matter what the outcome WE WOULD NOT walk away and we made it clear that we were committed to our adoption plan. Lets face it if I had given birth I couldnҒt control what health issues our baby might have had any more than I could change the weather on the moon. Low and behold our baby was born healthy and happy. Her birth family has a history of Asthma, Heart Condition (Hs sister had an emergency Heart operation at age 3 or 4), Cancer, Diabetes and a whole lot more. None of that stopped us from adopting. Though we have a great relationship with H we feel we are more prepared to handle anything that might come up. When Star was around 18 months old her Pediatrician was concerned that she might be showing some signs of possible heart problems. Since we knew her Biological Aunts history we took her to a specialist. She was checked out and her heart and other organs are all fine. She does have severe allergies and childhood Asthma but those are all treatable. Though it is scary the medical information is simply another tool to help us be the best parents that we can be. The medical info gives us some insight so that we can watch for possible symptoms and take action if necessary. Best of luck on the rest of your journey and remember that we are here to give you the support that you need regardless of which path you choose for you and your baby. I was happy to read that you found a family for your baby... Keep us posted҅. Joyfulmomma, YOU go girl! Thanks for sharing with us I can tell your passion runs deep you made some great points. As you said some parents choose to parent others choose to place, in the end its all about quality of life for everyone. This journey can have ups and downs for Birthparents, Adoptive parents and the children that we all love. Everyone has a right to express their opinion but in the end we must all follow our hearts and do what is best for our individual situations. Your little boy is soo lucky to have you for his Champion! For those of you who are just joining us please remember that Love is a two way street filled with compromises and sacrifices along the way. The great news is that these boards are here to help us as we explore some of our options and learn from those who have endured the journey. Those journeys can range from pleasant to unpleasant, non-the less it is a learning experience that we can all learn from. You are the only one who can decide what is Best for you and your loved ones҅KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! Hugs to all and May All Your Dreams Come True Maria

Due in a week OMG... Nothing like being 9-months pregnant the first week of AUGUST, huh? Just a little warm :). God Bless you and keep you and the baby in His care these coming weeks and all the years to come. I'm so happy you're feeling good about your plan and the family you've met. All of us out here will be thinking of you...

im an adoptee and ifeel like you really dont know if your child will be acepted by other people i felt like my odpted parents didnt accept me very well i think its alot like gambling you may win you may not in my case i didnt win

<quote/> If you know that you are going to be living hand to mouth, dependent on the govt (which can change provisions in a heartbeat- you don't have the RIGHT to govt assistance, it is merely a current benefit), or on charity, it might be the best decision to give your baby a chance with a family that can easily provide for every need, and most wants.</quote> Thanks for those words, because i am going to be giving up my daughter in september to a good family whom with i have already given a daughter, and my family is not supportive in the least. I already have 2 children and unfortunatley I can barely pay my bills as it is. My Mom seems to think that there is nothing wrong with living off the government, everyone else does! Sadly enough she had me thinking, "Well if I get this public assistance, or that, than maybe I can". In the end I knew that the decision was mine to make and everyone in the world will tell you they will be there to help and babysit when you are ready to pull your hair out, but in the end they all have a life of own and eventually (right when you need it the most sometimes) all your resources will disapeer. I also have bi-polar an d manic depression, schizophrenia, and many other genetic disorders in my family, but it never seemed like I had to disclose these things until afterI had chosen the family. Now of course my Daugther who is two and is with her Amom, is going to have a little sister, and they know all about the wild things in the medical history and they dont care. They are just ready to have a baby. If a family truly decided not to adopt because there is a slim chance they may have the same illnesses as other people in your family, well then that is their loss!!

As an adoptive mom I would like to know these things just so we can keep an eye out for any changes. It would not stop us from adopting a child. But, like other posters are saying, if this is stopping a family from adopting then they are not the right family for your baby. Good luck in your journey

:) Hello every one and please as I am new to this board, I sure do not want to do something and get banned but I am offering to be a friend to any one of you or all of you, I am a Retired Social Worker and I would love to offer my hand and support in what ever degree of help that I might could assist you on, weather you need help locating a councler, or getting wic or helping with insurance, I would love to help you. If any one need my assistant please email. Thanks:flower:

We adopted a child who ended up having special needs. We only knew some of the maternal medical history and only as far back as the onset of prenatal care around 23 wks. We have zero paternal information. We knew that the guy who raped my daughter's birth mother had given her chlamydia, which, if untreated, could have caused blindness. We also knew my daughter was nearly aborted at 20 weeks. Her birth mother was on the table, in the stirrups, and the abortionist was inserting metal rods to manually dilate her cervix. We do not know what effect that had on her current condition. Bottom line, ALL parents take a risk. We never know for sure when we have biological children or adopt children if that child will have medical problems. For that matter, we never know if we have a child WITHOUT medical problems whether or not problems will develope or whether that child will have an accident or injury that will result in medical problems. All I do know is, REGARDLESS of what we are facing with our daughter, we LOVE her and ADORE her and are happy we can help her through this. She may have CP. She does have epilepsy. She has many other "issues" and has been in PT, OT and speech since age 1. She has come a long way, but has a long way to go. We are glad to be at her side every step of the way. We feel honored and priviledged that God trusts us with a child who has special needs. I think many people think they cannot handle it. I have 4 children and I can tell you honestly I might have thought it would have been "too much"...but I am stronger than I realized! My husband and I figured, when we knew there was a possibility of health problems, that we already loved her. We wanted to be her parents and we wanted to help her as best we can. Your baby...every baby...is precious, regardless of possible or potential or even inevidable health problems. What you need to know is, the PERFECT parents are out there. Give honest information without fear because God will provide the family that YOU will feel and know is right for your baby. They will not care about all the things you are worried about. They will offere UNCONDITIONAL love...that is what being a parent REALLY is all about. You are offering unconditional love and the people you pick will do the same. Take care...it will all work out.

As an adoptive family it wouldn't matter to us and your agency will be able to find a family who won't care either (our son's entire birthfamily had addiction issues.) Most families just want a baby to love. All families have some issues, medical or emotional, and most kids do too whether we adopt them or give birth to them - so don't be so hard on yourself! The agency just asks so if your child shows any signs of either mental illness or addiction the adoptive parents have the knowledge that there is a family history and know the early signs to be able to help the child as soon as possible. So please don't be embarassed or worried. Just be honest because that is what is best for the baby. Good luck to you! Jess

CP, alcoholism, and depression are some very minor things when you think about...you have babies testing positive for drugs, alcohol, found on steps of hospitals, and worse...IN MY OPINON (and thats all it is) I feel that the things you listed (CP, alcoholism, depression) are all very minor and wont make the right adoptive family think twice :) Hugs!!

Seriously, does anyone here NOT know someone...even family members that are NOT on Wellbutrin, Zoloft, or some other anti-depressant? It seems today if you are NOT depressed, you are unique. I agree that knowing the history is good for the a-parents to be able to watch for signs of potential problems that might exist. We have very little knowledge of my daughter's maternal history (only during pregnancy...nothing before) and zero paternal history. She began showing significant delays at 6 months and may have CP, has epilepsy, and a variety of other medical problems but the doctors do not know why. Some think it could be genetic, although the tests have come back negative. Others think the abortion attempt she survived at 20 weeks may have had an effect, but this they cannot prove. So many unknowns... If we knew more medical history, we may understand what is going on and get some direction. Knowing PRIOR to her adoption would not have caused us to not welcome her into our family. We didn't know she had special needs when we adopted, but we could just as easily have a biological child who had or developed special needs...we certainly don't feel any different towards her! We LOVE and ADORE her. In fact, we feel priviledged to be trusted with a child with special needs and blessed to be able to get her the help she needs. That may sound weird, but it is how we feel. We know we are doing our very best in regards to therapies, doctors, tests, medications, education, etc...and it is helping. We are glad we can help her and that her birth mom, who was very young, doesn't have to deal with these extraordinary issues that are beyond "normal" parenting responsibilities. IE...parenting is difficult anyway without being the 13 year old mother of a child with special needs and medical bills. I hope that doesn't sound bad... ACK. Anyway, I know from her that she is happy and thankful that she can have her childhood to enjoy (we are thrilled!!! We wanted that for her so badly! We love this young woman!!!) and she knows how much we love her daughter and that she is well cared for. I hope it is a weight off her mind. I know I do my best to make her proud and always to feel secure in her decision to honor us and trust us to be the parents of her precious daughter. Knowing the medical history would make it easier to diagnose (maybe)...currently it is like trying to find the proverbial needle in a haystack.

bluejeanbaby, rest your worries. no ones baby is turned down, they just want to know how to help the baby if he gets sick. good luck