Son cries when departing bmom visit - help!

This may not help, but I'm going to tell you what my sis did. Not adoption though, but broken family. Her son cried every time she tried to take him from his dads house or every time his dad dropped him off, he'd scream for his dad and tell her he hated her. My sis used to get frustrated about this, but then decided to give him 15 minutes of undivided attention upon returning home rather than unloading the car or taking care of the baby (she has a 4 month old). I'm sure you give your child undivided attention frequently throughout the day, but maybe right after these visits there is a special thing the two of you can do together? Maybe just a board game or something he enjoys. My sis and her ex exchange their son a couple times a week and her son stopped being angry and upset about going to her house after just a week or two.

To a child..it isn't really going to matter if she is "unsteady" or any reason that makes sense to adults. To him..it's his mother and he loves her, he has an attachment and by crying he is expressing his loss. It is unrealitic to expect a child to just accept it as "better" even if in every other way it is better. Children do form great bonds with their parents..even if they are abusive..and by four a bond is definatly there. They can't separate the two emotions..and apply the logic. The paperwork changes nothing in his heart. While it might make you uncomfortable, probably the best thing you can do for him is allow him to express his pain and loss and to acknowledge it as normal and healthy. Hold him and allow him to cry, tell him you understand how much he misses his mom, and that you wish he was able to live with her too, but right now it is better for him to be with you guys. You don't have to rip her apart and give him all the details of why she can't get it togther, but you can still see it from his point of view..and for him...no matter how great you guys are..it still stinks. He has lost his mother and it hurts. Allow him to express it and be ok and comfortable with that loss. This would have been a great case for guardenship from the sounds of it. Then, at least, they could have had the hope of eventually having a chance to be together. What would you do if she got it together and turned her life around down the road? Adoption is so permenant. I know it gets alot of bad press here, but you might want to look into "The Primal Wound"..it goes into greater detail of what he could be feeling and how to make it easier for him. Good luck for your little guy.

I think you have done a wonderful thing for this little boy by adopting him and providing a loving home for him to overcome his problems and not be pushed away to a ranch. You have also given him the opportunity to have continued contact with his birthmom. You have done everything right and he is so lucky to have you as a mother. There may come a time when you need to limit his contact with his birth mother for his sake. Right now it doesn't sound like that's what he needs. He needs to understand that you are now his forever mom. He needs to know why and how he came to you(the truth). He needs to know that while his birthmom will always love him, you are now his forever family. He needs to understand that he is not just visiting your family until he goes home to his mom. He is home with his family. I would make sure to limit his visits to only supervised visits and for short periods of time as often as you feel comfortable with. He needs to know that while he goes to visit her, and she was his first mother. Your are now his forever mother. You won't take her place, you just are two special people in his life, one that visits him the other is one that is his mommy forever. He can't keep believing that he will go back to live with her. She gave up her rights. That is no longer a possibility. You are his forever family. It's ok for him to be sad and cry. It's ok for him to love his birthmom and miss her and want to be with her. he has a right to those feelings. If he only acts like that before& after the visits then that is one thing. If he want's to be with her and cries for her all the time... to go live with her. That's when i would consider limiting visits or putting them on hold for a while until he is older, settled in his family and can understand the whole situation. You both need to bond together and I think it would be unhealthy for him to feel as though he were constantly going to visit her and go live with her. That would not do him any good. I would also watch what his birthmom is saying to him. If she is hinting at the fact that he can live with her or be back with her you need to confront her. You might also talk to her about it and have her talk to him expalining that she couldn't take care of him and give him the life that you could give him. That while she will always be his first mom she has picked out his forever mom for him. That they will have visits but that he can't live with her or come back to her, that he's in his forever home now and that is where he belongs and where she wants him to be. Maybe by having her explain what is going he will understand and not cry for it to happen. That being said. My mom and Dad got divorced when I was 6. My mom got remarried that same year and I remember crying and praying all the time that MY MOM & DAD would get back together. My mom kept confirming to me it wasn't going to happen and why. but those were my feelings and it wasn't till years later that I understood what i wanted wasn't going to ever happen and I just had to deal with it. She let me say what i wanted. She let me cry and beg for it to happen. But, all she could do was talk to me truthfully about the situation and listen to my feelings and understand my pain. It was me that eventually had to realize and understand the situation and now many many years later I am so grateful she did get divorced and was able to provide a different life for me. Also after years and years of seeing what my Dad was like...and seeing that he didn't really make an effort to keep in contact with me very often when he was fully capable. Made me realize who he was, why my parents got divorced and why i was in a better place now. Your childs birthmom might be unstable. She might live a lifestyle that is not very good for him to see. He may not understand it all right now. He may fight it and beg for what he wants. But, later as he is older he will thank you for always being there for him. Always allowing him to feel what he felt and to be able to express it. He will see the person his birthmom is and understand why he was better off in your home. He will thank you for allowing him to have these answers and not just go through life wondering Why. I think limiting contact has to be done according to your childs needs at the moment. That changes and just because he was ok with frequent visits at first doesn't mean it's ok now. Or it can be the opposite. Maybe more frequent visits will lessen the pain he has and help him realize that she will always be there for him even though they are not living together. I guess you just have to try and see what works for your son and go with your gut feelings as his mom.

Thank you for your replies. I will definetly apply your suggestions. Undivided attention is something I have strived to do since he came to live with us. The drugs he was on at first were for bedwetting, depression, and ADD. The phychiatrist said ADD was his problem. The psychologist disagreed. He didn't think the problems were internal that they were external (enviromental). The first book I bought and read was Adopting the Hurt Child in this book it discussed R.A.D. (Reactive Attachment Disorder). The way his bmom discribed his behavior when he lived with her matched the symptoms 98%. I saw small signs, but nothing compared to what she described. I searched out someone trained in RAD and had him start seeing her. She did diagnose him with RAD, but the little symptoms I saw in him at first have faded away over the past year. I explain this because it explains why he has not expressed any concern for his bmom in the past year. With RAD, a child doesn't form a bond and becomes unhealthyly independent and self-reliant at a young age. When his bmom and I were discussing him being adopted to me, one of the things she told me was that she never bonded with him when he was born that she didn't have much to do with him the first year of his life (her mom and boyfriend cared for him). I discovered RAD before the adoption was final and explained it to her and had her meet the psychologist. Even though I had spent time and money and emotion into this adoption, I told her that stuff didn't matter & it wasn't to late to stop it if she wanted to be the one to help him through RAD now that we had a better understanding of his behavior. She didn't want the responsiblity and she wanted me to care for him. So in a way, it is actually a good sign that he is beginning to miss her. We live 20 miles apart. Some of her visits have been here, but usually I take him to her or his bgrandmother (my aunt) because they always have an excuse why they can't come to my house. They either don't have gas money or don't have insurance on the car. Those are mostly unsupervised. I leave him with them for anywhere from one to five hours. What makes it uncomfortable is when I pick him up, they always have an incident to tell me about - that he has acted or said something in line with his old behavior. I'm not sure how to do a supervised visit at their home. Do you just sit on the couch while they interact? Read a book? Or should I only have visits in my home so that he doesn't feel like I am taking him away from her. Maybe I should try this. The only problem is getting them here. He started T-ball and I gave bmom & bgrandmother a schedule and told them that my mom would be driving over for his games and if they needed a ride just to call my mom and ride with her. They came to the first game and haven't come to another one. I ask my mom if they have called for a ride and nope they haven't. On the phone last week, bmom told my son that she couldn't find anyone to bring her to the games. I feel I put forth the effort to advise her of the games and even arranged transportation if she wanted it. I don't feel I'm obligated to call her before each game and remind her and tell her to come. Another Aunt told me last week that I need to keep the lines of communication open better than I have been. That really upset me and I should have stood up for myself, but instead I turned to my mother for support and she called up her sister to tell her to stay out of it. Anyways, would changing the visits to supervised in my home be too much to ask? I think after reading more on this forum that it would make it easier on him to still feel like he is at home but still get to see her also. I do appreciate you responses so much. I don't personally know anyone who has adopted - let alone an open adoption relationship. I do understand jessicagarner's comment about being divorced. My parent's also divorced when I was about 6. My mother never bad mouthed my father. Even when he wouldn't visit or pay child support, she just told us that he had a drinking problem (alcoholic) and was not a responsible person. I heard that same phrase over and over as a child. As I got older and had a few visits from him through the years, I understood it better and now as an adult I don't have any anger toward him. I feel sorry for him that he missed out knowing me and my brothers. I will never bad mouth my son's bmom. I too will find a way to simply explain it until he is old enough to understand. Thank you again for your responses. It is tough walking through this uncharted territory without a map or guide. What you share with me is comforting.

about unsupervised visits... I wouldnt do it in your place at this time. I'd just stay and visit along with your son :). No need to hide in a corner, just be there and involoved in the visit. It might be uncomfortable at first, but I'm willing to bet it will be more comfortable than leaving him there unsupervised. With it being in the family, it is a different situation, since you've known them beforehand, so hopefully they will see it as a visit with family while you stay along for the visits. I hope the immediate after visit attention works to help with some of the being reluctant to want to be home. It is healthy for him to miss her tho, so you're right on with that. Sounds like you are trying very hard to make this a good situation for every one else, but dont be afraid to make this better for you, too. Let others worry about their feelings sometimes. Cant make everyone happy, so start with you and your boy :).

My son had RAd as well. He came wne tform living an unstable life with his mother for 2 years then coming into fostercare and living with one family for a week then another family for almost 2 years then an adoptive family for 3 months (that failed) and then to us. At first our sone would not talk abotu his foster family or anyone from his past at all. When he would make one little comment like(Kathy bought me this train) he would immediatly be quiet and change the subject. He was like this for eseveral months. But the therapy helped and all of a sudden he wouldn't stop talking about his past(almost to the point I wished I could have said ok...now stop talking about it...but of course I didn't). There are many therapies you can do to help him with the RAD. Having continued contact is good for a child with RAD. They need to know that people just don't dissapear. Even though he is adopted, they are still there and still love him. I would not have any unsupervised visits. I would want to know everything that was being done and said. Having him over hear the bmom taling about old behaviors is not healthy for him. He will associated his behavior as the reason why he is not with his bmom. Liek it is his fault and he is not good enough. That should never be the case. Yes, he may have had behaviors but that was not his fault and he shouldn't be made to feel it was. You need to p[rotect him from that. If they can't say positive things around him then they should not visit him. If they'd like to talk to you about stuff like that it should be over the phone or when he is not present. My daughter has a semi-open adoption. I will not go to her bmom's house. That is to confusing for (my child). She is 3. We usually have visits at chuck-cheese or the zoo or places like that(public places). Going to her house or families house my be more than he is ready for. It may be to confusing as to why he can not stay when he used to be able to. I would either invite them to your home, where he can understand they are visiting him(not the other way around). He knows they don't live there. And if he know she can't go to their house, then he will begin to understand what kind of relationship they have with him now. He can be proud to show off HIS new house and HIS new room. If his family comes up with excuses then that it their choice. All you can do is offer the kind of visits you feel are most appropriate for him and your family. If they don't come or make up excuses then tuff luck for them. Your child will someday understand that they had the opportunity yet choose not to come. IF you have offered rides for the games and given them a schedule and your number then, that's all you can do. You shouldn't force the issue. If they really want to be their that is their choice. If they promise him to coem and never show that's another story(then I would have to un-invite them to the games, Or tell my son they aren't coming....then if they do come....it will be a happy thing instead of a sad thing). I guess my point is, this is your child now. You need to do what you feel is best for him and not try so hard to make his family happy. You didn't adopt him so his family could be happy. You did it for your son, to give him a better life and be his mother. That may mean, havign peope angry at you, or dissapointed, or sad. The only one you have to think about right now is your son. Even if your whole family starts calling you saying how mean you are....or what ever. Your son is at a critcal point right now. He finally trusts you enough to share his history with you and his pain. You need to be there for him...and allow him to feel what he feels, yet protect him from those who may delay that process or make him feel bad...or like he's trouble and it's his fault. He nees you his loving forever mommy to help protect him and help him grow and your relationship grow. I know the struggle you have with wanting to please everyone or not hurt their feelings. I'm the same way. But, I have come to understand I am the MOMMY now and have to do what is best for my children even if it means hurting their birth families or making them angry.

I wouldn't do unsupervised visits right now, if the day comes and your son requests this and it works for all involved that's a different story. Like Michelle said, when you visit you needn't sit in the corner or read a book, visit as you would with anyone that you and your son go to see. Suggesting visits in your home as well as their home is a good idea. This is a two way street, and I highly advise you talk with your son's birthmother about this. Let her know again about the offer of a ride to his games, let her know you can even meet closer to her home at a park sometimes. Variety is good, we all benefit from it. I'd also let her know that you respect her as an adult and that you are the two primary persons so anything that needs airing should be discussed between the two of you- not your moms. Back to my first comment, I was ordered by the court ot go on unspervised monthly visits with my paternal biological family. I did not like feeling left by my parents, it didn't matter that they were ordered to do this. When I reached the age where I could "supposedly" decide for myself, enough time had past that I was afraid to speak up, I was afraid to go against the status quo. So I continued to see them. They were nice people who provided me with opportunities, gifts, fed me well etc. but their emotional manipulations and trickery (that the court failed to recognize as disruptive and distructive) caused havoc in my family, well into adulthood. I would have liked to have seen them growing up, I would even have liked ot vacation with them, but I didn't like feeling thrown into the lion's den every month involuntarily. Yes, yes, all kids visit relatives they don't like. I have plenty of relatives I couldn't wait to get away from as a kid, who I couldn't stand to be in the same room with. The difference, my parents were always part of those relationships and visits, I had them on my side and I didn't feel left alone to deal with them. Whereas with my biological paternal family I was left all alone to figure things out, my parents weren't there as my safe haven. An added note, my visits were anywhere from 5 hours to 24 hours. Your son needs you to validate his sadness, he needs to know no matter what he feels you love him. He needs to know he doesn't have to be perfect, or happy all the time, just as he is he is loveable. Interestingly, not having experience directly with RAD, I would have attritbuted his recent behavior to grief, and to his age. He is reaching an age where he is beginning to piece things, like familial relationships, together. He's puting it together that if he is with you then he must have been "taken from" his first mother, and since you are in line of fire you are the obvious target of this question of WHY. The questions he's asking and the statements he's making are not unique to RAD, many chldren who were adopted express these thoughts, and many begin around age 5-7. Good luck, I can only imagine how complicated infamily adoption can be.

Thank you again so much! I found a counselor and support group yesterday. They technically are only supposed to help people who adopt within their agency, which I have heard before. But she said she would visit with me anytime I needed it also that I could attend the support group meetings. She couldn't offer me all of their resources but could keep me involved. That really means a lot. She shared one word with me that she said should be the beginning of every thought concerning situations involving my son. As an adoptee herself and now an adoption counselor, "safety" was one thing she always wanted. As a child she wanted to feel and be "SAFE". Sugarbabysmommy said basically the same thing in her post. An open family adoption can be complicated, this seems to help simplify the way I look at it. Your posts over the past couple of days has given me more confidence in standing up for my son & myself than I've put together on my own in the past year. I've had a gut feeling, an uneasy feeling about the way we've handled the visits, but I would tell myself that I knew they wouldn't harm him so what could it hurt. I've learned the past couple of days how to express this feeling in how the visits affect my son. It's not a matter of whether they'll hurt him, but of how he feels and handles the situation. Again thank you for your support.

That is so wonderful. Isn't it empowering to realize you are his mom and you need to take action one way or another to do what you feel is best for him. The first time I felt that, with my daughter I instantly bridged the gap I had of going from foster mom to mommy. My connection to her seemed so much stronger and my confidence in myself as her mother grew by leaps and bounds. These forums helped me do that...I am so glad I was able to help someone else as well. Congradulations MOM!!! You are doing a great job!!!

We have adopted seven times. One of our children....the first 'older child adoption'......is severely RAD. (He was 6yrs old when he arrived, and is now 16yrs old.) First, I want to applaud you for taking the chance to help heal this little boy. At age four, you have a very good chance of doing this. Our son was not so lucky...and despite several therapies------as well as attachment therapy---by the time he came into our home and spent four years, it was 'too late'. He is dangerous to others and himself; and the chances of him healing are now on his own shoulders, in many ways, ie, 'he has to want to heal'. He lives in a residential facility where he will probably remain for the rest of his life. There is no conscience, no empathy....no care to make any connection to anything breathing within his personality. That said, while reading many of the previous posts, one thing came to mind. At four, this little boy surely cannot 'tell' the scope of his feelings. Your attachment counselor stating that 'safety' was the first thought for him, is very correct. Personally, I would not have any visits that were unsupervised. Despite him saying that he wants to stay with his birthmother and 'there'.....I would strongly wonder (though I would not express to him) that perhaps he is more scared to STAY there, or----in essence, LOSE YOU (aka 'love', affection and attachment) by shifting between visits. Can you imagine the 'difference' he must feel between the two? One has bonding, the other does not? Tough to deal with! I understand that open-ness can be fine in many situations....but reading what you have posted in regards to her attitudes in bonding with him---enough that he developed RAD, would make me seriously question the 'healthiness' in having the visits at all, but if need be,at least, supervised by you. Let's face it, he did not acquire the RAD on his own, from what you have written. One big element of RAD is the fear of having your heart broken again. This 'fear of loss' isn't necessarily because he and she were removed from each other---but because he has finally found something he can literally wrap his arms around---and his heart. What a joy this must be for him! (What a relief, though perhaps very deep down, this must be for his birthmother.) With your son, perhaps when he feels closeness and bonding (aka life and love)......he may allow himself to feel. (Evident from the improvements you have seen, I"m guessing.) But....when he is brought back into the 'life' that he once knew.......put into the realm of 'why he became RAD in the first place'.....this pushes him back into the 'scarey place' again. KWIM? That's REALLY heavy for a four year old. Really heavy. So, better to 'stay where he was emotionally, than to take the risk of 'losing you and the risk of breaking his heart and love' all over again. I hope this makes some sense? RAD is extremely hard to deal with. I hope to never have to deal with it again. But, I would certainly not take any chances that he might return back into that 'scarey place of 'cover' ' again. Therefore, if you must do visits, I'd have them within your own home. I'd be there---physically---to show him at ALL times, that YOU are not going to leave him, will be there for him, will not turn away from him. The "loss' element is what it's all about in RAD. This birthmother sounds as if she has been quite RAD herself. She is not able to commit to staying involved with his life---even though you have given her the 'tools' to do so (arranging rides and such). And, if RAD, to commit to anything is very fearful...and the older a RAD child (who is now an adult woman) is with no healing, the greater the chances she will not recover....or at least very much. You have to realize that to a RAD individual, to 'change and form any attachments' is VERY risky and scarey to them. There is nothing much you can do to help her possible RAD. It would have to come from her own desires to heal. But, so it is with your four year old son. He is improving, therefore, allowing the attachments to form, but----it's also VERY scarey for him too. But when he's faced with 'what it used to be like'...that's got to be incredibly confusing, scarey, and prehaps even painful for him! So, I would offer (as you have done) to help her out, to help her stay in touch with him. But, if she chooses not to, I would do nothing else. Again, have the visits if you think this is wise.......but make sure you stay close (both emotionally and physically) for him. The idea of a lot of attention after a visit is a good idea; but in light of the RAD issue, I'd daresay his behaviors after the visits are out of fear of losing the attachments he's found, rather than really what they may look like. Sincerely, Linny