How Much Secrecy Still Exists in Adoption?

Nancy: I am a b/mother in reunion,a very happy,successful reunion.Should children be told they are adopted IMO yes. Why? My daughter grew up feeling as if she were different then the folks around her,not looking like any of them for one but also their actions and the wonder of where did I come from.Surely now we realize that as human beings we all deserve to know our true heritage and also there are health issues to think on. Adopted parents who do not allow or want their child to seek their birth parents are IMO putting their own insecurities on the children they adopt.If they truly loved the child they would want that child to be all that he/she could be.If they have raised the child with plenty of care & love, danger of the child moving away from them or forgetting them would not even be an issue. As a b/mother I would like to be able to thank them for what they had done when I could not.Also what is wrong with a/parents allowing the adult adoptee sharing in their childs adult life.More care/more love & also in most cases the adoptee know would know that they were not given away but placed out of love so they would have a much better chance in life.My daughter's parents had passed before we had contact so we did not have to deal with issues of a/parents/bparent issues.But I do know that our daughter held back from searching as she felt obligated to her a/parents.Why should any child ever have to feel obligated? They did not ask the a/parents to adopt them,they were innocent children. I made the mistake of not telling our daughter's siblings on her as back in the 60s we were told to move on as we would never see our child again.Yes,I went on to marry the b/dad and we had three more children who did not know they had another sister out there.Wrong on my part as they had every right to know.They sure did know when she contacted us,they knew immediately! Why did I never search partly because of the way b/parents of the 60s were made to feel,partly because of the scoiety we lived in.Are secrets still kept? Yes they are,and it is wrong,so wrong! Those that have judged us b/mothers were doing the same thing we were only they did not get pregnant and bring a beautiful child into this world.I did and my only regret is that I did not have the joy of raising her.The a/parents did and should have felt so grateful they had a beautiful daughter to raise.They were and are the ones who should be grateful not the adoptee.These are my opinions.

I know parents who have not told their child he is adopted. It makes no sense to me. People cannot start a life long trusting relationship based on a lie. If the child learns of the lie, I would think they would question everything the parents had ever told them and likely feel their whole life had been a lie.

lucyjoy: I agree!!!Honesty is the only way.My daughter was very hurt when she found out her siblings did not know of her. She was right,they most certainly should have been told.If I had walked in her shoes I would have felt the same way.She had every right to be angry! The fact she was so hurt will go to my grave with me as she was the last person on this earth that I would ever want to hurt.I will wear that hat and take it to my grave.

Both of our daughters ( bio sibs) were high risk foster/adopt. We have always been honest with them about thier birth family issues and the reasons "why" they were placed. They are pre-adolescents and we have begun to get into the details, due to drugs and alcohol issues with both bio parents. They understand the complications of using. They also understand the their disabilities are due to drug use. They are very mature and ask questions that sometimes throw me for a loop! Unfortunately, the CW wasn't totally honest with us BEFORE our adoption ( 5 yrs ago) and we learned the truth about our oldest through many behavior/educational/social troubles. IF they would've been honest with us, we could've gotten her mental health help earlier and maybe her suffering would'nt have been so great. They were fully aware of her issues and problems when she was placed, and subsequently moved multiple times before she came to us. They chose to hide it, and deny there were problems. This only led to her and our family suffering through some very hard times.[/

Thanks for your post. There are so many kinds of secrecy, aren't there? When information is withheld from adopting parents, it limits their ability to help a child and, as in your case, can increase a child's and family's suffering. I find it hard to imagine any reasons why this should happen. All best Nancy

I am very grateful as an adoptive mother of three beautiful children. (all open adoptions with letters, calls & visits with some b-family members). First of all grateful to God whose miracle created their lives and secondly to their birth parents who loved & nurtured them into the world sharing of themselves the things (time,talents, traits, features) they were able & then finding us (in this big world of people)to continue what they had helped begin. I think our children will grow up very secure in the fact that we love them as parents & that they also have parents who loved them enough to bring them into the world & then share their future with us. Our children see this on going love when we all (b-family & extended family) get together. We are very grateful indeed, because we gained more than just children to parent. We have learned first hand as you said, there can never be enough love for a child & they deserve every bit of it!

Peanut: Thank you for your reply! You know the meaning of unconditional love & that is where the difference comes.In life none of us can have to much care,to much love,and that is what makes this big world keep spinning. It is what makes the world go around.Great post!!! Sandra :)

I've been debating my answer for this topic for quite some time. As much as I want to say that there is no secrecy in adoption in this enlightened day of age (slight sarcasm there), we all know that secrets follow adoption.Thankfully, my birthdaughter will have no secrets from either side. Our adoption is fully open and we work hard to make sure that all sides are on the same page regarding the truth. However, it is not with my daughter that I see the secrecy. I have no problem telling her how she was conceived (minus 'intimate' detail, of course), why I wasn't able to parent at the time and how my love for her has never waivered. My problem lies in the response of others to my title of Birthmother. I have found this to be even more of an issue now that I am facing another (planned) pregnancy. People are busy giving me advice as though this is my first pregnancy. So as not to create confusion, I just play along. Granted, I don't have to tell ever Tom, **** and Harry my life story regarding the placement of my child, but it still makes me feel shamed that I can't come out and say, "But this is my second child." Beyond that, some extended members of my family who haven't been physically present to witness the relationship that the adoptive family and I have forged, feel as though I should "forget" the adoption and just move on. I asked this relative if he could forget any of his children and move on. When he tried to tell me it was 'different,' I asked how. No answer was available.So, beyond the secrecy that could possibly surround the child, I also see secrecy in the lives of birthparents (and adoptive parents) who don't feel the need to shout the details of the adoption from a mountaintop. Secrecy and privacy are often intertwined. Finding the balance is a difficulty but an important necessity.

I found my bmom in June 2004. She had never told anyone about me (her mother and brother knew) for several reasons, long story. She has chosen to keep me a "secret" which is very difficult but I have come to accept. For her the shame and stigma of almost 40 years ago cannot be faced. Mary

Jenna, Why should you feel ashamed? You should be able to say, "This is my second child" because it is. It is not anyone's business the why and how of your answer. As an adoptive mom I run into times when people make judgements about my family based on assumptions. My son is obviously different from us (he is black we are white) yet some people will still ask (even when he is out with both my husband & I) "Did you adopt him?" If I feel like I do not wish to discuss his adoption (we might be eating our dinner!) I simply reply "Why do you ask?" Most times turning the questioning back on them is enough to let them know I am not interested in having to justify my family to anyone. It has taken me time to get to a place when I share info when I wish to (opposed to when others want me to), but now I have pat several answers for most situations. As for that relative of yours, maybe the fact that you were so selfless when faced with an unplanned pregnancy scares him. He probably realizes he does not posess the courage to make a decision like yours & therefore he feels better if he lessens it's value (in his eyes). Don't worry about him, keep your focus on helping you first born understand how much you care and that you did make a plan for their life that simply includes others to love and care for them (adoptive family). Keep you chin high. The choices you have made might be difficult at times, the experience can either bring you down, or help mold your soul into something even more exceptional than most. Be Exceptional! I wish you well with the birth of your second child! Peanut

I too am a birthmom and I have other children and can understand not talking about it as much, I guess you could say. At first I think it was more open but now its the looks and stares as if they are questioning it. Or maybe they just dont know what to say. I think it is easier to some extent for aparents to be a little more open as they are more look on as savoirs by others as bmoms are look as what went so wrong you had to do this although they smile at you and say thats great, It was the right thing to do etc. I have learn why bmoms dont talk about it much and etc. compare to aparents. Now I dont at all instead of saying I have 4 children I always have to say 3 to avoid the extra min long stare or question in their eyes. Yeah its easy to say just say it but, its not always that simple or easy. I just want you to know you are not alone in that area. misery

Well,I have 4 children and what other think or say I could care less.Our first born daughter is very precious to us and I am proud to tell people so. Peanut good on you with that response.Sandra

I think, like Jenna said, secrecy is still alive and well in adoption. Just recently there was a thread started where the birthmother encouraged others to keep adoption secret...especially from the people closest to us. I disagreed. My birthdaughter is 34. It is still not known if she was ever told that she is adopted. Both her mother and I share similar physical characteristics, so appearance would not raise any big question... The adoption was supposed to be semi-open, but adoptive family disappeared shortly after papers were signed. I located her last year, sent a contact letter, and the only response I received was from her mom...assuring me that Jennifer was aware of the adoption. The letter was to my 33 year old birthdaughter! Why would she ask mom to email me and not do it herself? Too many other things point back to the adoption NOT being disclosed to her. It seems my contact started a panic and I got a curt letter from the aunt basically telling me to "check my motivations" in searching for her. It has made for a sticky situation. Part of me wants to go directly to her, the other part says no. She has a great life, I have a great life, and I can't help wondering (if the adoption is a secret kept from her) if I would do more harm than good by spilling it in her lap. My hope is that the future will continue to erase the old adoption stigmas. While great strides are being made, there are still quite a few laps to go, IMO. ~Deb

Great post deb as always.You are a very strong person and imo...i do not think your daughter ever got your letter.If I was in yur shoes I would call,e-mail her or just go and bring that journal to her yourself.If it was to be a semi-open adoption then you most certainly have every right to do so. I also agree that secrets are still kept but slowly opening.I am guilty of secrets myself and willstand up and say so.Time for more openness as Deb has said. Good on you DEB!!! Sandra

Ontario birth mothers trying to stop government from opening files.They say it will ruin their lives. So sad to think here we are in 2005...Sandra