A question from a Birthmother. Please answer.

Hello,I am an amom of a 19 month year old and have a very open adoption with my daughters biological family. For the very first Mother's Day I didn't know what to do for my daughter's bmom. I was concerned that by sending her a letter or card I would upset her. I didn't know how she would feel. My daughter was born in October so by May she was 7 months old. I thought it would be better for me to just leave it be and I chose not to send her anything. Then I heard that bmom's have their own special day, Birthmom Day, which is the Saturday before Mother's Day. So this year I send her a card made especially for bmom's and some pictures of our daughter. I think as an amom you are concerned about hurting the bmom's feelings and doing something that may cause them more pain, especially the first year. If I were you I would not think that she is pulling away from you, just that it was her first Mother's Day and that she didn't know what to do for you. I maybe would email her and just see how her Mother's Day was and see if she asks you how you are doing or how it was for you? Then you can mention your feelings and then that way she will know that you would have been ok with getting a card. She may not know that there is a special day for bmom's. Hope this helps.

While I would hate to find out I'd hurt my child's birthmother, I'd also hate for her to feel she couldn't talk to me. Before birth, we talked about acknowledgements on Mother's Day, and I'm so glad we did. I can imagine if we hadn't that I would have second guessed sending something, that I might have even chosen not to send her something. Like I said, the idea of hurting her pains me. Reach out to her, be honest that you don't want to offend, but you need to know if they are pulling away. It reasonable to want to know where you stand. I'm not sure I'd address the question of Mother's Day so soon after the date. Rather I'd open up a general dialogue about your relationship, and then once the ground work is layed speak with her about next Mother's Day.

You guys have helped me tremendously! You just don't know what a relief it is to think that there could be another reason for not acknowledging me on Mother's Day. That maybe the amom was afraid I might be hurt or something. I don't know what it is yet, but I am so grateful to have a glimpse of what she "might" be thinking. God bless you all!

Hi Alexandra. I can't tell you what the amom was thinking, but can let you know what I was thinking. I am an amom of a 10-month-old boy whom I adopted at two days. I was not sure how to proceed with mother's day, whether I should or shouldn't call or send a card. I thought that since it was so early, that I would not, that it would possibly be too painful. I do know that my nephew (b-dad) gave his ex-girlfriend (b-mom) flowers and a card for mother's day. I have recently given both b-parents a birthparent's book of memories for their birthdays from our son so that they would have a book of memories to share with them. Our adoption is a very open adoption being that my nephew is the biological father. Another reason I was unsure how to proceed was that the b-mom's and my relationship has been strained lately, although getting somewhat better now. She asks for a lot of contact with Jayden and asks when we're going to be in town (she lives a few blocks from my sister and nephew) so that she can visit (we go to California every 1-1/2 to 2 months to visit). She then only spends about 15-30 minutes at most during the whole time we are there (sometimes 7 days). When asking her about it she said that she is uncomfortable at my sister's (also her the home of her ex-boyfriend/bdad). I have given her the choice of me coming to her house or even picking her up and going ot the park. She doesn't want either of these options because she is afraid that maybe a friend from school (they're now 16) might see her. Hopefully, our communication will improve as she gets older. I want to try and broach the subject of visitations sometime around when Jayden reaches about a year of age (which will be in the middle of June). It sounds as if she was just concerned about your feelings. Maybe you can have a talk with her (not specifically about this alone) and see what you both want in the relationship, i.e., how much contact, what to do on holidays, etc., and at that time maybe let her know that it would be fine with your if in the future she decided to include you in mother's day. Debbie

Hi, I agree with what others have said. My son is three and this was the first year I sent a mother's day card to his bmom. I didn't even know there was a bmom day until a couple of weeks ago! I also didn't send a mother's day card the first day because I thought it would hurt her too much. And I didn't send one the second year for a variety of reasons, worries about not having sent one the year before, still worried about hurting her. But if I am honest, that second year it was also because I was going through a phase where I needed to claim the title of mom. I know that sounds awful, but I'm trying to give you some input into the psyche of at least one amom, anyway. When my son arrived, I really did not feel like his mom for the longest time. My pediatrician would not call him the name I gave him until the finalization hearing, when he was almost a year old. (They kept calling him his bname, which his middle name now, calling me the bmom's name accidentally, and telling me that "that was the way it would be" until it was finalized). Everyone I knew kept asking me what his "real mother" was like. Even his bmom kept referring to him as "her baby" whenever she talked about him. (I can totally understand that now, but it really stung back then). So, I felt really insecure for a long time and just needed that day to myself. Having said that, I had absolutely no intention of hurting her by witholding that recognition from her, and I sincerely hope that I did not. I feel totally different now, having had another year to grow and mature, and am very comfortable now appreciating her unique role in who he is and acknowledging her motherhood as well as my own. It just took a little time. I don't know what your amom has experienced, and it may be entirely just not wanting to hurt you, but even if she may be pulling away a bit for real, don't assume that it is because she doesn't care about you, or that it will be forever, or that she has not considered your feelings. Sometimes to be a good mom to that beautiful child you created, she might need to cocoon herself a bit from time to time. She might need it to feel secure enough in her own motherhood to embrace you. It takes a big heart on your part to absorb the pain that this might cause, so my prayers are with you. Hope this helps.

Thanks for the thoughts on what you went through. It is really helping me to not take the silence so personally and also it gives me insight into what may be going through the amom's mind. I can't believe the pediatrician didn't recognize your child's name until the adoption was finalized. That must have been really hard for you. When I talk to the amom it is hard for me not to call the boys "my boys" but I don't for her sake. I'm afraid of offending her. Before I delivered the twins she called them "our boys". I want to call them that now when I talk to her but I'm kind of scared. As a bmom I walk on eggshells ALL THE TIME! I'm so afraid that she will take my boys away from me forever and so I try to do EVERYTHING RIGHT. It feels very hard because I don't get to express myself and how I feel at all. For instance, in November I called and asked her if I could come for a visit for the twins' first birthday in August. (She lives in Texas and I live in New Jersey) That was eight months away. After about a week of thinking and praying about it she said I could. So I made the flight arrangements and bought the ticket. Then, about 3 months ago she told me that they were going out of town the day after the boys' birthday and I needed to see if I could change my plane ticket. She didn't even apologize about this. And she knew that I was on disability and didn't have much money in the first place - one of the reasons I couldn't keep my boys. I cried for over a week. I would only get to see them once a year and here she just cut my visit short without any appearance of empathy. I wanted to express how upset I was but I was afraid to. I just hate the position I am in. I'm so afraid that if I do something wrong she will take our boys away from me. I'm starting to cry about this all over again and it happened three months ago. I just wish I could feel like I could be myself. I hope this doesn't upset any of you amoms. I wish the amom to my boys would read these message boards. Sometimes I feel like she just really doesn't care.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad and like she does not care. Not knowing her I cannot say one way or the other.. if it were me, and I had to ask yoi to change your ticket I would have offered to pay for any change in fee's.. I know that recently our son's bio mom asked on very short notice to come for a visit (she also wanted to stay with us) and it happened to be a weekend where we had 9 people staying with us already.. I had to say no and she was very dissapointed and I felt awful.. I too feel on eggsshells many times. In the end though you guys have to communicate and try to let her know how you are feeling.. but in a positive way.. maybe she just does not know how she is making you feel and she might be a bit overwhelmed.. Mandy

Alexandra.....(((((HUGS))))). As an amom, I agree with what everyone else said about not wanting to hurt you. I wasn't able to send a Mother's Day card to our kid's birthmom because they moved the week before and haven't yet contacted me with a new address (and have no phone). It really bothered me, but I think maybe she wasn't ready. The youngest of our 2 (full sibs) was due last year on Mother's Day and born a few days before, so I know she had a rough week with dealing with both events. Both her and birthdad have been in my prayers alot lately. I think what your kids aparents did about the vacation was insensitive. I, personally, would never do that without offering to help make other arrangements for you. Have you considered either writing or email? Then you can get all your thoughts down, revise as many times as you need, and then send it. Sometimes I think I open my big fat mouth and what comes out will never fit back in....KWIM?! I did send a letter to our kids birthmom and told her it feels wierd, and I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing and for her to tell me if I offend her. I think your fear is that you have so much to lose (and you do) if things go wrong, but hopefully they see that they (and more importantly the 2 babies that you share) have just as much to lose if you are no longer in their lives.

Thanks for the replies and understanding. I really love to communicate via email but she doesn't really check her mail. I don't think she really uses the computer at all. I have been thinking about writing her a letter but I keep putting it off. A part of me is scared that I will write how I feel and wait and wait for her to reply or call and she won't do it. I think I feel this way because my mother sent both the twins and her other adopted son a $50 savings bond each for Christmas and she never said thank you to my mom or me. She also never thanked me for the present I got her other son. I don't want him to feel left out. He was adopted from Romania and has no idea who his bparents are. Well, at least I get to get all the hard feelings out here so that I will be better prepared to talk to her without so much emotion. Thanks again for all the support. God bless you all!

Alexandra, that was such a nice thing to send a bond for her other son who is from Romania. That was so thoughtful! I know just what you mean about eggshells. It really goes both ways. I feel like I'm going to blurt something out that will hurt her, or sound ridiculous. I already have once or twice, so I'm terrified of opening up my mouth. It sounds like your amom is feeling a little threatened at the moment. I can't believe that anyone would be that insensitive to your feelings. All I can think is that she is trying to carve out her space in those kids' lives. Every amom has to come to terms with her place in children's lives, and the place of their bmom too. There should be enough room in there for everyone, but sometimes, especially in the beginning, it feels a bit crowded, from the amom's perspective. That being said, I would write her a letter. You have feelings too, it might be that she just doesn't know that she has hurt them. But maybe emphasize that she is their mommy now, and that you are glad you chose her. Hopefully, she will respond like she should, and affirm that you are the one who gave them life, and how important you are to them. What gives me comfort these days is knowing that there is one person out there on this earth who loves my son as much as I do. I hope this helps. I always find it ironic that the amom and the bmom both suffer in the same way, thinking that their child will love the other one more, or forget them at some point in their lives. There has to be a way to get past all that. Best of luck.