Open adoption, not for the weak of heart...

Thanks for sharing your true feelings. I'm a bmom and I thought that the amom felt totally okay and not insecure or worried at all. I thought I was the only one who felt like the outsider. Thanks for giving me a different perspective.

Thank you so much to you courageous amoms for being honest about your feelings. I am an amom too and I feel exactly the same way. I thought I was the only one! I have limited things to pictures and letters for now, with visits as he needs them (he's little yet), because I just can't breathe or think about anything else when we are in direct contact. Especially in the begining, when I was trying to bond with my son, it really interfered with that process, so I had to ask for a "time out" so that I could spend time with him alone. I still feel guilty about asking for some alone time then, (and it's three years later) but I do believe that it was important to our family. While my son's bmom is very important to me, and I guard her wellbeing as best as I can, to be a good mom to my son, I have to protect my own wellbeing too. Being wracked with guilt and anxiety, feeling like I robbed the bmom of all the special moments I have enjoyed (I didn't, she chose us weeks after he was born through our agency), feeling insecure about being his mom, spending all my time thinking of her and writing to her, etc. does not yield a good mother. And that DOES affect the child. Anyway, most people on this chat line, and my agency too, gave me the impression only total openness is allowed, OK, celebrated, or accepted these days, and I was really beginning to feel like a bad person. So thank you so much for expressing yourself. It really has helped me. I wish you and your children the best.

AMom (and all the moms here), No one ever tells us that Open Adoption can bring more than its share of challenges. All we ever hear is how wonderful it is, and for the majority of us, I believe that's true most of the time. But still...it's hard to share, isn't it? It's hard to be constantly reminded that someone else is related to our kids in a way we'll never be. This is true for both sides, I think. As a birthmother myself, sometimes I do get those twinges of sad realization especially now that K is nearly a teen, that I will not be the one who hears about her first kiss, plans her sweet 16, stands next to her for graduation pictures, or picks out her wedding gown. Undoubtedly, I will share in these moments in my own way, but the moments will not "belong" to me like they "belong" to her family. As a hopeful amom myself, I still get anxious over the very things you mention, and though being "on the other side" helps somewhat, I can't help but wonder: can I do this? Can I do the great job K's family has done? I hope I can, and I will always try. For the record, however, K isn't confused one bit by our open relationship. I will never feel the urge to "step in" and act like her Mama, because I'm not. I am her birthmother, and I am proud to be there. I know I'm healed from the loss of parenting her, though you really never forget. I'm glad to be able to know her and her family, and I think they feel the same way. I step in when I feel that my mom is overstaying her welcome or imposing. ;) Luckily not too often! One thing that I firmly believe about open adoption is that time is your friend on all sides. For birthparents, the pain can (though I know not all bmoms would agree) heal, there are no fantasies and no secrets, and the child grows up as you watch, instead of staying the "perfect baby" that the birthparents said goodbye to. The child grows up secure in the love of their family while still being able to connect where they came from. The adoptive family doesn't have to wonder if every petite brunette with the same type of smile as their wee one might be their child's birthmother. There's never a surprise phone call 15 years later that sends your heart through the floor. I understand that some members of the triad aren't comfortable with full openness, and I guess at least they're honest with what they can deal with, but it still makes me a little sad for them. After all, no matter what type of adoption you choose, your child will always have come to you though adoption. The birthfamily is always out there. There's always a chance, often a good chance, that your child will search for them, talk about them, miss them. Perhaps not now, but at some point. Isn't it easier to know each other and have contact from the start? Again, this isn't meant to berate anyone (and it obviously excludes those situations where safety's sake doesn't allow openness) for their choices. I'm just honestly curious. No matter what, though, if you've chosen open adoption, sometimes it's just hard. And if you ask me, that's OK too. Just "keep swimming" and making that effort! (I love Nemo, LOL) :D

What about treating her the same way you do the rest of the family? Whenever I get pictures or update the grandparents, I send the birthparents the same. Whenever he does something new and spectacular, I call the grandparents, L, K, and daddy if he is at work. My point was, the more contact there is, the easier it is. 18 months ago, I was terrified to meet the birthparents for the first time. Next week, the birthfather and his parents are coming to stay for an extended weekend. They stay in the guest room. K came to visit after Christmas and actually took over the care of Michael since the whole family was sick. My family was scared to get around us, K was glad to come. He held a nebulizer to his birthson's face 4 times a day, he got up with him and rocked him in the middle of the night when congestion woke him up and he was miserable. I got to sleep more than 2 hours in a row for the first time in 6 weeks and was able to throw off the virus I caught from the kids. (Or one of them anyway.) Knowing that the birthfamily is there for the special moments or gets a call ASAP has helped me know that I have NOT robbed them of these times. L, K, K's parents, the foster parents, my parents and brother, DH's mom and sister, and her kids were all at Michael's baptism. L and K were on the front row with us. Michael rolled over back to front the afternoon of his baptism for the first time. I was in the kitchen and missed it. L, K, and K's parents were on the floor playing with him. Michael crawled for the first time at L's house to her mom. They are there for the special moments because we have such frequent contact. You are right that the way you feel about the birthfamily will affect your child. You need to feel like a mom; like your child's mom. You do need to follow any agreements you have made with the birthparents without fail. What I was trying to say is that no matter how scared I was in the beginning, the more contact we have, the easier it is and the more they become part of our family. Yes, it is normal to be afraid. Yes, it can be overcome. You don't have to live with the knots in your stomach forever. You are your child's mother. Give yourself permission to be that. The thing that has helped me the most is to think about what Michael would think about my actions in 20 years. If he grows up knowing his birthfamily, they will not be strangers to him that he will have to learn about. He will know them. If he sees me including his birthparents in his life, he will feel that respect and love. If I cut back on contact, or cut off contact, how do I explain that to him when he's 20? That he had a chance to grow up knowing his birthfamily, but I cut back on contact? I hope things get to be more comfortable for you in the future. Peggy

I am so glad to know that I'm not the only one who experiences these moments of uncertainty. It's nice to know that we can talk about them without this being seen bad or insecure of us amom's. I'm aware of how similar our feelings can be, yet different for bmoms and amom's. It's kind of strange, both mothers and fathers being friends and seeing each other thru out the child's life. Where is the blue print for this type of relationship? Where are the books that tell us how to do this? I also feel good in knowing that I did not rob my children of their birth roots. I have done everything humanly possible to promote those connections in a healthy way. I feel that her bmom and I can become very close and I wonder how that would affect her? I wonder how that will affect me in my feelings as her mom. Can I handle it? Will I still feel comfortable in my shoe's? Will time make the butterflies go away? I assume they will. I assume she has them too right now. I forgot to mention that when we were at the Walmart, dd thru a temper fit. She wanted me to buy her two items that had Strawberry Shortcake on them and she knows that she could only have one. I could see it coming too and I felt anxious about how I would handle it in front of bmom. Well, I told her no again and she got mad, started crying, screaming, laid down on the floor for about 30 seconds kicking. :eek: I looked at bmom and she was smiling. I told bmom, that is your Irish temper and we both laughed. Our daughter did not like us laughing. She probably thought we were laughing at her and stopped behaving badly. I told her again, only one and she put one item back. Also for the first time in four years her bmom told me that this is getting much easier on her. It felt so good to hear that, freeing as if I could somehow not feel so guilty for being the one who gets the joy of raising this child. I'm glad there are others who shared their stories. Thank you for doing so! It has helped me to know that I am not alone. :)

I know exactly what you are talking about with obcessing about writing the birthmom letters. I would stay up every single night trying to write her, trying to word things correctly. Trying to figure out how to share my own feelings with out hurting hers or causing her more pain. It really did help me in the long run...to really understand my own feelings. I did have my sister proof read one of my letters that I had kinda created by editing a whole bunch of letters I had written her, yet never sent her (before I finally mailed her something). I'm glad I did because she helped me realize on some parts of it that I needed to be more firm and less...asking her permission or help with some parenting choices I had made. So I did one last revision that I finally felt comfortable with. Once I finally sent that letter off...that burden or guilt...and worryng left my mind. I no longer stayed up all hours of the night writing her. I finally found a way to put into words what I really wanted to say...and for the first time I wasn't really worried how she would responded to it. I knew that what I had wrote was my true honest feelings and I hoped she would understand and accept it. I finally was able to be my childs mother and put her first, before worring about what her birthmom might feel about the subject. When I finally did get a chance to talk to her over the phone about the subject and asked how she felt about it. She gave me her honest feelings....saying she wasn't happy about it....but she would accept what ever choice I made. That was exactly the answer that I needed. I needed to know that she would respect me as her birthchilds mother ...to make those decisions.. . even though I knew she wouldn't like it herself. Since that awkward scarry bit of time is over and was handled well...I feel more confident to act as my childs mother and not just her foster parent. We will be finalizing our adoption 9 days. I think once everything is final, my heart will finally be able to relax. To know that she is ours forever and we don't have to worry about her being taken away from us(by DHS) or anything like that. I think my relationship with her birthmom will feel more secure then as well. I know she can't get her back right now anyways or change her mind.....but then I will finally make the switch from foster/adoptive mom to MOM. I am so excited...I can't believe that day is almost here!!!!!!!!

First of all, very insightful post.Secondly, I have a Walmart-esque type story. I always worry when D, Munchkin and I go to a store-slash-out-in-general during a visit that people are assuming that I am the "Mom." Munchkin has my eyes; my exact eyes. D is a pale, beautiful little sprite, but in all honesty, Munchkin looks like me. I try to let D push her in the stroller or carry her, but at the same time, D is being her kind and considerate self, letting me spend as much time with the Munchkin as possible. So, at times, I find myself with the exact same (but vice versa) anxiety that you're going through. Strange, isn't it? I want D to be recognized as her Mom. I feel bad that people are probably assuming that I am the Mom. Your daughter will understand and, I would venture to say, be quite grateful that you and her Dad are such compassionate people. Don't ever doubt your place in her life. You ARE her Mom. *hugs* You're not insecure. You're just dealing with emotions... in a rather positive and proactive manner, I might add.Oh, and just one note for your Husband, while I wouldn't say it OUT LOUD (so, shh) it pains me sometimes to see Munchkin giggle and laugh with J (her Dad) during our visits; as in, why can't I make her do that.Thank you for sharing and enlightening us all. Seriously.

Whoa, at first I thought this thread was just crazy because as a birth mom, I thought only birth Mom's feel these sensations, and nervousness. I stay awake for two nights before I am about to see my daughter, and we have had an open adoption for almost 14 years! I am pretty comfortable around my daughters parents, but there are always a bit of butterflies before you see them. The older our daughter becomes, the more she is a spitting image of me. My daugher's mom often tells me that she is see's me in her every day and thinks of me often. It feels nice that she thinks of me, but I had no idea that the feelings are how you all described here. I am so sad now.....

Don't feel sad. Know that both sides feel nervous and that it's normal to feel that way. Nothing wrong with being normal! Peggy

while I fully accept that many amoms feel this way, some of us probably don't, so Momof2 and others, please think of these as windows to possible amom feelings. we just spent a week with bfamilies this june and I have to say I wasn't nervous seeing bmom, bdad and assorted family members. I really just wanted dd to not freak when she saw them-that was my worry :D . turns out she was just fine and loved them all (except bdad, who is a guy. she's a bit nervous around men). Dd looks exactly like her bmom (and baunts) and I think of them daily, but they're really good, positive thoughts. I get hives over going to visit people and I didn't get hives-a sign that i really viewed them as family. I can understand folks being nervous like others have listed here-that's normal too. Just know that amoms are all over the spectrum and may be worrying over some other things. heck, my major concern is that bmom especially comes to terms with her decision (she's under 18, and definitely a teenager :D ). i'll probably always carry that with me. lisa

I guess I would feel nervous if we did see each other so often. I wonder if y'all who have very limited contact would feel more at ease if it was more regular. If it was just a normal part of your life. We have veryf requent contact with our ds' birth mom and it is really no bif deal but dd's birth mom doesn't really keep in touch and the relationship is not nearly as easy going. lisa

I think it's normal to feel jealous or even a bit threatened when you see your child with his/her birthmom. The feeling never fully goes away...I guess it might just be human nature. To help me deal with this, I always try to put myself in my daughter's shoes. Is it wrong or threatening to me for her to love more than one person in her life? Grandma, Aunts, Caregivers, my husband, her brothers? Why is it wrong for her to love her birthfamily? There is no competitive territory between an amom and a birthmom. The birthmom gave life and gave her child a future. The amom nurtures and loves her child...sharing everything with them....in a sense, I think the amom is the "forever" mom, even though the birthmom always has a special and exclusive place in the child's heart. But, no matter what, a birthmom can never take the place of the amom and, importantly, the amom can never take the unique place of the birthmom. I guess my point is that there's room for both. What a lucky child to have birthparents and "forever" parents that all love them and wish the best for them. Can there ever be too much love? I don't think so. Knowing that my daughter has a growing relationship with her birthfamily helps me give her access to something she needs that I can't provide...a connection to her past and her biological heritage. Giving her this makes me love her more and, every time we reconnect with the birthfamily, I feel proud of my place as her mother.

I understand how you feel each adoption story is unique. My daughters have monthly visits with their birth mom. My 2 year old just started attending them this month and I don't kow what to call her. Although I want this for my daughters part of me hates them. They are so emotionally draining. I think with time it will get better

I was fortunate enough to have lots of visits very early on in the relationship....for several weeks it was once a week (and the AMom called every day for 2 weeks!) and now it has leveled off to 1-2 times a month or so when I'm in town and the times surrounding major holidays- and always my daughter's birthday and adoption day. Thankfully, they've made her birthday a special day for me to be welcome to just hang out with their kids without feeling obligated to anyone else-just the kids. We all have a great time watching my daughter steal the show away! I think the bombardment of visits at first really helped us get to know eachother. Boy, was there some frustration! No one knew their place or what was supposed to happen. When she would cry we both would turn around to go get her-instinctively. I always backed down unless specifically asked, but it was akward to react so naturally when it seemed like you were competing with someone else...which I did not want at all! We have always been civil and polite to eachother, but also very candid and honest. I think in doing so we've created a safe environment where we can share our concerns with eachother regarding the adoption, our individual plans and our combined plan for the children in this family as they grow. We also got a lot of individual counsel pre and post-placement. It helped us figure things out and learn to anticipate feelings, reactions and situations before they happened so we could cope better. Also, we managed to squeeze in a half dozen or so meetings with the agency to work things out like "what will my daughter call me?" or "I feel _____, I don't appreciate _____" and things like that. Sometimes (especially very early on in our relationship) it was really helpful to have an advocate there to help you say what you wanted to in a way that would be effective and kind. It sounds like you are still early in your relationship even though it's spanned 4 years. If you want to help your relationship grow really the only answer I've found is contact. It doesn't have to be face-to-face in as large of quantities as we had, but a gradual increase of written, verbal and person-to-person contact can help you feel at ease with your daughter's birthparents. Likewise, it could also help them to feel more at ease when they come to visit you (if they don't already). I know what you must be thinking: "Figure that- it's just like a birthmother to want more contact." ;) Maybe so, but I've found that it really does help and the adoptive parents and I have had the blessing of a great relationship where we've become friends and enjoy a comfort with eachother that wasn't there at the begining. Maybe talk to your daughter's Birthparents about how you're feeling and see if you can't come up with a solution to get to know eachother better. If that also makes you nervous try calling the agency you adopted from and see if they offer post-placement counseling that you could take advantage of...just to see if there's anything else that could help you as you develop this relationship. There are also a number of good books out there that helped me while forging onto this unknown territory...I'm partial to James L. Gritter's books: "Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption"

"The Spirit of Open Adoption" I sure hope some of this could help you get started. If not I hope you find what you need! Good luck!

My daughers bmom and I have become much closer since when I started this thread back in May. We have talked often about our feelings, our desires, what we need and what we don't need. We are both on the same page. I no longer feel uneasy about any visits and I look forward to our next visit later this month. I have planned a Halloween party so that the bmom's of my dd and my ds can meet. We will have a wicked good time :) and the photo's will be priceless. Everything is going very well. No more butterflies and now I look forward to the visits. My dd bmom has no desire to have frequent visits. She told me that would not work for her. One or two visits a year is all she will do. It is always I who arranges these visits because if I leave them up to her, she would just go on with her life and before we know it, another couple years would pass. We do talk often, and now we can email each other. This works well for both of us. Thank you all for your advice.