Foster Care and Infertility Treatment

We went through 2 years of infertility. I only wish knew what I know now then. Clomid was the absolutely WORST thing in the world. Just my experience with it. And it's been 2 years since I've taken it, but I still suffer from it. I suggest you do all the research before even considering it. As it may not be the end all/solve all infertility problems. I also suugest seeing a Reproductive Endochronologist and not just using an OBGYN for a clomid prescription. Anyway IF treatment was really a difficult point in my marriage. I'm so glad we're beyond that and have adopted 2 wonderful sons. IF is a GIANT rollercoaster, emotional, time consuming monster. Fostercare is also an emotional time consuming monster. We decided to adopt through fostercare when IF treatments didn't work for us/appeal to us/etc. Anyway I don't think I could have done both of them at the same time. It was so draining. There are couples who do fostercare and IF at the same time. But it just wasn't for us. You may want to look up some past posts about the whole infertility and adoption issue on the forums. I know there are a lot of posts out there. For us, adoption is the way we really want to go. I no longer look at pregnant women and cry. And when I hear one of my friend's is pregnant I am genuinely happy for her. Honestly I used to think why not me, afterall we tried and tried and tried and in the 2 years of trying over 14 women I know got pregnant and some of them twice. Making it to the goal line so to speak in adoption brings with it a sense of peace, joy and happiness. Good luck with what ever you decide. LeenaB

We did both at the same time. I also tried Clomid for a while by itself then in combination with Metforman. It never worked well enough for me to even have one egg that was big enough to be released. I maxed out on the clomid and my next step was $$$Injections and $$$$surgery, so we decided to put all that on hold for now and just foster adopt. We now have had 36 kids in our home in 3 years. 2 children we adopted last year and one we will be adopting in a week. We have been so blessed through adoption. Yet I still feel that earnest desire to be pregnant and have at least one bio-child. Whenever I see a pregnant woman around(all the time) I still wish that could be me. We will start infertility stuff when our youngest is a little older. Until then we are still hoping and not preventing(that things will happen naturally). That being said....fostering in general was a very emotional roller coaster. Mainly because you did have the children in your home..you grew attatched to them and then had to let them go...sometimes at a moments notice. It was also a blessing because it filled that whole in our hearts and home...just having an infant to take care of. It continued to give us hope and experience in parenting. We have been blessed with 3 beautiful children during this time...yet at the same time...fostering is very difficult emotionally. You learn to protect your heart by not allowing yourself to trully fall in love with the child as your own....always keeping in your mind that they might leave. So when we did get our adoptive kids it was very difficult to get past that protective layer in our hearts and really allow ourselves to love them as our own...believing they would stay forever. It wasn't until the adoptions were finalized before we could really relax and have peace of mind that they were truly ours. Also the first baby you have.....does get all the excitement. With the first baby we had...it was so exciting to see all the first things....then with baby after baby after baby...those special moments were still neat...but didn't have that flash of excitment that we had with our first foster baby. I do wish the first baby we had could have been our forever child and not one that we had to say goodbye to after 6 months of bonding and watching her grow. I'm not trying to discourage you from fostering....it has been a life changing wonderful experience for us. I would just take things slow. We got so busy that at times we would have 5 kids under the age of 4. It was so much fun but also so time consuming and draining. It was just so hard to say no(for me) because I always would wonder...."what if this child is meant to be mine...If I say no I might miss out on that opportunity". Ultimately it is up to you. I'm glad I didn't waist all that time doing the infertility stuff before fostering because I would have missed out on my 3 kids I do have.

We are in our 8th year of infertility with 3 miscarriages. It's been a terrible rollercoaster. Foster care hasn't been any easier!!!!As Jessica said, it's very hard to have a child in your home for a long time and then have to say good-bye. We recently had 2 foster kids. A 4 years old boy and 1 year old girl. We had them for almost 7 months. Saying good-bye was just as painful and hard as any one of our miscarriages. Do take the time to really really consider doing only one at a time. It's a road you cannot imagine, treatments and foster care, wow! Hats off too you!

I am the type of IF'er that some people have a problem with .I am a secondary IF'er. with that being said: We did clomid,we did nothing,we did IVF and i could not imagine doing that and fostering! We TTC for 6 1/2 years we have only been fostering for 1 1/2 months and have had 4 children in our home 2 are with us now and hope to adopt our 21m fs. The hormones you are on drive you (me ) crazy then to have placement calling telling you they have a child that needs you when you have to go to Dr. or blood work etc. I do not think I could handle it.But only you know what you can handle!! I wish we would have started fostering after our first m/c and not waited 5 more years,we might already have our forever child and not" hopeing" Rely on what you know about yourself.If you are starting clomid cycle now you will be finished with it before you finish your foster classes etc. so you will know how the clomid will affect you. I also agree that you need to see an RE in stead of an ob/gyn. Good Luck!!!! Deb

Wow, y'all gave me a lot to think about. I keep thinking of all these reasons I don't want to get started with the Clomid right away. My family is coming for a week long visit and then this summer we'll be going to my sister's wedding. If it's as horrible as it sounds I might be a bear through all of that. But then, if we do go ahead with FC in the fall, it would be really nice to be through the first run of Clomid and we could see if we want to pursue anything more (next step: RE) or wait for awhile. Decisions, decisions!

I don't know if it was the provera(to make me start my period) or if it was the Clomid, but it really had my emotions all crazy. I lost all my patience and it was very difficult for me to be a good mother/wife while I was on it. It was like the worst case of PMS I've every had. Each time I'd start the new cycle of trying. My heair also started thinning out with the medication. It wouldn't just break it would catually come out from the root. I've heard that the medication can be very successful in acheiving pregnancy. I just wasn't onwe of those fortunate ones. Rather than jump up to...the injections or the surgery to put holes in my ovaries I decided to wait. The Dr said if I got down to my recommended weight the clomid may have a better effect on me.....(and our insurance covers it 100%) so that was my plan....for now. Enjoy my kids...try and get in the best shape I can be in(a good thing for me anyways) then go back on clomid and see if it might work this time. Even with the hormonal stuff and side effects....I would still try it again..when I'm ready to in the future. So I don't want to scare you away from it....it is still something worth trying. I will just make sure to simplify my life next time and not have 5 little ones to care for...during my treatment. Next time it will just be my 3 kids and husband...and hopefully they will put up with my moodiness and short temper and forgive me for it. What ever you do...I wouldn't put it off any longer. Either take the plunge and do both..or pick one and go with it. One way or another you will hav your baby.

Also, just a quick point. In our situation with clomid going very wrong: my obgyn read Dh's sperm analysis incorrectly and then put me on clomid even although all of my test were in the normal range. I am still furious with this OBGYN, obviously I no longer am a patient of hers. The RE we went to caught this error and I was LIVID! And no one can seem to figure out why I was given clomid in the first place, why the obgyn misread results, and no one can seem to stop the side effects. There is a reason why reproductive endochronologists are out there, because OBGYNs arent' experts in matters of reproduction. I still cringe at the idea of obgyns being allowed to write prescriptions for fertility drugs.

Whoah, that would be upsetting to be put on a med with ugly side effects and find out later you never needed it. I know I'm not ovulating, so I do need something to make that happen. I'm going to be vulnerable here... I've dreamed since I was a young girl of being able to help children who come from families with difficulties. I so badly want to become a foster mom that I would almost rather proceed with FC than deal with infertility treatments. Am I completely abnormal? I know that if I would actually become pg, I'd be inexpressively excited, maybe I'm just afraid of the risk of hoping again. ???

Honestly I find that being a foster & adoptive parent is easier than going through infertility treatments. The amount of tears I've cried each month that I didn't get pregnant would easily flood a bathtub. It was extremely emotionally draining on me. Fostercare is somewhat less emotionally draining, because in the mean time you're a mother and so busy with your children and their issues. There is really little time to get sad and cry because you don't have bios. I know it has been difficult for us to have children return to biofamily. But we knew they wouldn't stay forever. But with infertility it was always, hmmm maybe this month we did it. it worked only to have month after month of failure. I think the hardest part of fostercare has been when my son's biomom had a baby, it was supposed to come to us and went elsewhere. (Really long messy story where there was a lack of communication among people within the state agency). Anyway I felt like I lost a baby. It's been the only child that I really felt like should ahve been mine, other than the 2 sons we've adopted.

I am doing very well with my desire to be pg since we got our fs. I'm not gonna lie though, I still do think about it, but only occasionally. It's no longer an obsession which feel great. My very dear friend is ttc right now and I know I could get a call anytime saying "I'm pg" but for once in my life I'm actually not dreading that phone call! It feels really good. I do think one day I'll go back and try ivf but no for a loooong time. :-)

I did 6 months of infertility treaments-- including 2 months of clomid, lap surgery, and 2 months of femora w/IUI. None of it was successful. I got so frustrated with all of the tests, meds, bloodwork etc. Even with our insurance we're still paying off over $1500 in bills. The moodswings were terrible and I felt like I was living by the calendar. We had discussed foster/adoption as a possiblity even before we were married. I finally had a peace about stopping the medical stuff and just going for it! The day I did my last IUI I called the social worker to get registered for the classes. Our last class is tonite! We're not going to foster right away though. We 'have' to have 'our' child first. I know I could not go through the heartache of having them, loving them and letting them go back. Good luck!

I've done the fc thing while ttc...it's rough. Dealing with mood swings, miscarriages, etc...it ain't easy, but it's doable!

Twofus, I hear you! I pretty much feel the same way, about wanting to help out kids and preferring that to fertility treatments, etc. I feel that the best and most useful thing to do in this life is to raise your children well. That's the biggest way to have a positive impact on the world. However, is it not even more useful to help raise children who may not otherwise receive the love and boundaries that will help them become charitable citizens of the world. I know that my mind is at rest as my DH and I finish up the approval process for foster care. I no longer stress about getting pg. Each person feels different and you need to trust your own gut feelings, but you're not the only one to feel this way.

I did IVF for 2 years. What a world of misery that was! People talk about the physical pain of the shots, but that wasn't too bad. But going into a fertility clinic several times a week to get my blood checked, and feeling all the loss and longing and shame contained in that waiting room, the devastation of yet another period, the confinement to bed after an in vitro, the terrible mourning after round after round of embryos died--THAT was painful. You are sad and irritable, and a lot of that is the very serious drugs you're on, but a lot of that is the inherent sadness of infertility. I also gained 25 pounds (which I lost after I got my kids, thank God). You can't exercise for much of the IVF process, nor can you diet, because that would change your body chemistry, and you don't want that. I am an athlete, so giving up my exercise and watching my fit body turn into a weirdly bloated fat body was all the worse. Had I gotten pregnant, I probably would have said, oh, it was all worth it. It was worth it in the sense that it drove home the fact that we are an infertile couple, and it just ain't happening. We will be adoptive parents or not. Biological children are not coming out of this body. I also realized what my limitations were. We could have done another cycle, but first I would have to go on mega steroids, give myself a false menopause, then try again for a 30% shot at getting pregnant. No, thank you! I went through all of that IVF hell not because I was that invested in the experience of pregnancy, although it would have been nice to experience, or because I felt we needed a child that was biologically ours. I wanted a child that was 100% legally ours. I won't go into details, but let me just say that my experience as a legal aid attorney representing birth parents in fraudulent adoptions REALLY shook me, as did attending meetings of adoption attorneys. There are some very unsavory characters out there. That was out. Knowing as I did that the adoption industry in the U.S. is grossly underregulated (Adam Pertman's excellent book, Adoption Nation, does a great job of setting forth the issues), I was very concerned about international adoption from countries that barely pretended to be interested in the rule of law. I also knew there were kids here at home I could parent. I represented birth and foster parents in juvenile court, and knew the need for foster parents. I also knew how poorly foster parents are treated and how maddening the system is, so I was hesitant about jumping in. But I did. God had been nagging me about that for years. I feel like I am following the path God laid out for me, and we have been blessed with 3 kids, ages 6, 7, and 9, whom we hope to adopt by the end of the summer. It is an experience of enormous personal growth, to say the least. It is also HARD. 80% of the kids in care are there because of drug issues, so you can assume that the children you get will have been drug exposed, probably also alcohol exposed, and all have been very traumatized. They will have attachment issues, and possibly RAD. You will meet the most wonderful people through fostering, and you will also be confounded by the most idiotic bureaucracy. Your children will have very complex psychological issues and considerable medical ones after years of abuse and neglect. They should be seen by the most competent professionals available, but instead they will be seen by people just out of school who have no life experience, much less experience with traumatized kids, or they will be seen by ineffective placeholders. You might get some great providers who make a huge difference if you fight like a mother tiger against the idiotic bureaucracy mentioned above. You will have to educate your community, who will think you are a saint for taking "those children" into your home and heart, until their behaviors drive them or you crazy. Then you will be seen as overcontrolling and irritable. And you WILL be irritable, because foster kids are experts at finding what will irritate you, then doing that very thing in a million different ways. It is a hard path, but it is very rewarding and life changing. It is gross to hear non-foster parents say this, but among ourselves we can admit that we do save children's lives. It is all-consuming. I cannot imagine doing both IVF and fostering at the same time. It is all I can do to do therapeutic parenting, but trying to do that while pumped up on steroids? There is no way I could do that, but it doesn't mean you can't. Also, before I get massively flamed by parents who have adopted domestically or internationally, please understand I was going over why these options are not right for me. I believe God gave me the negative experiences with more traditional forms of adoption because He was determined that I fostered. It is a hard, hard road, and I don't know that I would have done it had there been some other reasonable alternative. So, He made the alternatives unreasonable FOR ME. Clearly, fostering was not right for most of you, and that's okay,too. I truly support adoption. I've started a foster and adoption group at my church, we've got all different types of adoptive families, and I love and respect them all. Good luck with your decision on the IVF/fostering question!

you don't have to foster to adopt a child from foster care...you can get a homestudy for free or low cost through you local social services or some agency doing special needs adoption...also if you are strong in your faith just about every major religon has a faith base program that is inexpensive for infant adoption....in the military? they have programs....If you are African American, they have programs in most states.... I lost foster kids I had for 14 months who were returned to a b-mom who always tested positive for cocain and was living in a motel and didn't do one thing or her reunification plan....and I can't imagin that loss being any less severe then loosing a birth child... On the up side, most foster kids are adopted by their foster parents....I foster adopted 2 of my kids.....and more kids are going up for adoption then ever before due to the Safe Families Act of 1997... Foster care isn't easy...it was hard to take kids on visit...see them leave and returned to bad places, etc...